| Head Games...What is the reasoning?
Posted: 1/23/2006 8:32:09 AM | Before I get started on this topic, I know that both males and females play head games but what is the purpose of it. Why not be honest.
I met a guy last year on a different site and he was so sweet and nice and we had so much in common. A few months later, we decided to meet in person. He came to see me. We spent a couple of days hanging out and had a really good time. We got to know each other and it seemed as though it was really working. He left and we continued to converse, even decided that we were going to date (basically decided that we were not going to persue other people). The next time he came up to see me, again we had a good time. He continously told me basically everything a woman wants to hear. When I told him that I enjoy spending time with him and want to take another step further, he turned around and said that he isn't sure. I was fine with that. From then, it all went down hill. His job has him travelling alot and so it is hard to spend time with him, but I was patient. He still continued to tell me that he wanted to be with me in every way. Then one day when we were talking, he decided to throw the term "Friends with Benefits" at me. I had never been so insulted by that comment. This is someone who I thought wanted a relationship as much as I did. He said he just learned the term and really liked what it meant. Needless to say, he only wanted sex from me. It was a big disappointment. During his last visit, he left a note for me to find after he left. It was all about, how much he cherishes me and how great I supposedly am to him, but still does not want a relationship with me. During all this time, I still had it in my head that he wanted something more but is just confused.
Recently we were chatting and he felt the need to advise me that he finds it so hard to find a woman who doesn't smoke. I responded to his comment that he had already found one but gave her up. Kinda shot it back in his face.
I just don't understand why people play games. Okay so he told me that he wants to be "friends with Benefits", that is pretty straight forward, but then why tell me that I am everything he is looking for in a woman but doesn't want a relationship and then still continues to tell me that he is still looking.
Needless to say, we are no longer dating and as for friendship, well time will tell, I guess.
Personally, I am totally into honesty and if you are not into a person, tell them. Don't tell someone what you think they want to hear only to not mean it. | |
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| Head Games...What is the reasoning?
Posted: 1/23/2006 8:50:04 AM | | sorry you had to endure that most guys I know are not out there for the long haul but interested in the physical and that sucks for there are true people in this world who just need the chance to prove themselves. It sounds to me like this guy likes to play and if he has a job with lots of travel he needs someone where ever he is. You did right by ending it for you sound like someone who needs a committed relationship and you must not stop looking till you are satisfied. | |
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| Head Games...What is the reasoning?
Posted: 1/23/2006 9:32:02 AM | Sorry you had to deal with all that. I hope he learns his lesson, judging from your comments I believe you have.
I'm going to speculate and say that he is one those guys who subconciously can't commit to a serious relationship despite saying he looking for one. Maybe after he slept with you he had second thoughts about the whole thing. Couldn't be honest and tell you upfront. I'm not saying you're the cause of it, He obviously has issues.
Why he did a 180° on you could've been anything, I'm not even sure you want to find out, because it could be totally trivial. That would insult the whole relationship you had with him.
I'm not sure how long you both waited before you took things to the next level, but next time maybe you need to holdout abit longer and see if the guy is serious about you as person. I'm pretty sure you know this and thought it was in good judgement to fall for him. Besides even the best of us get played like fools.
This guy may have appeared sincere to you, but he obviously can't be honest with himself enough to communicate what the real issue was.
As for "friends with benefits", the only way I can see that working is there's complete honesty about it...from the beginning of a relationship, not after the fact. There's just too much baggage trying to backpedal the whole romance to friends and expect fringe benefits. I'm not saying it can't work, but either way there still needs to be complete honesty.
Thats my two cents about it. | |
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| Head Games...What is the reasoning?
Posted: 1/23/2006 11:19:23 AM | Well in response to Movie_guy's posting, you are right that there should be complete honesty either way.
In regards to changing his mind after sleeping with me, it is not that he did a whole 180 after being intimate with me, because it was more than once that we were together. I am thinking that he found more women that were interested in him and instead of settling for a good woman who was able to please him, he didn't want to settle. I think he wants to experience women falling all over him and not having to commit to one particular person. All I was asking for though was honesty. If it was not a relationship that he wanted, then he should have been straight forward about it and said what he really wanted. If at that point, it was only sex, well he would have been kicked to the curb! If I wanted only to be in a sexual relationship, I wouldn't be on these sites, because I live right around the corner from a popular pub and could just go there to get lucky, but that is not what I am looking for.
About the letter he wrote me (mentioned it in my original posting), when asked about a particular part in it, he responded with the fact that I should not take the letter seriously, because he was drinking when he wrote it...Talk about a slap across the face! | |
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| Head Games...What is the reasoning?
Posted: 1/23/2006 11:46:58 AM | I know what you mean. The I got a girl in every port kinda guy. I keep running into that too (uh gals not guys cause I am a guy). I am looking for friends only here. I know a dating site but trust me I tried the non dating sites and they are full of people looking to date... that and the immaturity sent me running.
So I come here, and I keep opening up these profiles POF sends me that supposedly match what I am looking for. I check it out and at first it looks good, woman looking for male friends. But then I read in the profile how they want an LTR and intimacy and so for. Um, isn't that dating?? Or have I been out of this so long I am the one lost? Gosh geee post what ya mean right?
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| Head Games...What is the reasoning?
Posted: 1/23/2006 12:42:02 PM | egh? he's playing games because you're allowing him to.
As long as you talk to him he will, because of course, if you REALLY weren't happy with him and the situation you wouldn't be in it now would you??? | |
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| Head Games...What is the reasoning?
Posted: 1/23/2006 2:11:30 PM | In response to Blu_eyed_gal.... I know that he is playing games with me and it is not the first time someone has told me that it is because I am allowing him to...I understand that part.
As far as talking to him, it is on very rare occasions now. I do not initiate conversations with him and when he decides to talk to me or chat, I do my best to keep it on a friendly level. I do not like blocking people unless I am feeling scared or threatened. Maybe I am too nice, actually many of my friends tell me that.
As for me REALLY not being happy, I am no longer in that situation because I have not seen him since the end of October. I have brought this to the attention of the forum because I wanted to know why people do what they do and why people can't be truthful. I have put my foot down regarding this issue and am standing my ground. I am just a bit worried that I will fall in his trap again with words like "I miss you" and "I want to see you". We had some good chemistry and it is hard to let that go when you find it. | |
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| Head Games...What is the reasoning?
Posted: 1/26/2006 1:04:23 AM | I wanted to add that I can understand the fear of falling in a trap with him. Considering how well you know yourself and how easier it would be for you to let it all happen anyway. All I can say is that if you choose to remain in touch with him, which I personally wouldn't do. You're going to have to remind yourself that his comments like "I miss you" and "I want to see you" need to be interpreted by either doing one of two things...
One) If he says anything like that you quickly yet very sincerely ask him what does that mean? obviously he's not going give you a straight answer. You would be best to responseto whatever lame excuse he gives is to suggest that he stop telling you he misses you or wants to see you. He should get the point your not falling for it.
Two) He says "I miss you" and "I want to see you", you tell yourself he's saying "I'm lonely" and "I need physical gratification now". and simply don't respond to those comments. Instead immediately change the subject to something that doesn't revolve around you & him. The weather, a recipe, or something in the news, even if its been brought up already. Just so he gets a clue that his loneliness is his problem not yours.
Again avoiding him would be your best course of action, but I stress that I completely understand it for wanting to remain online friends. | |
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| Head Games...What is the reasoning?
Posted: 1/26/2006 7:08:43 PM | Guys do not play games. Everytime I have been witness to a situation where the woman claims 'head games', 90% of the games were made up by her; they never happened. It is like when women say "I know what you said, but what you really mean is...", then their interpretation becomes the fact.
Guys are simple creatures with even more simple agendas. Don't give us credit for your misinterpretation of a situation. | |
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| Head Games...What is the reasoning?
Posted: 1/26/2006 7:37:44 PM | I don't agree that guys don't play games. I think there are a lot of guys who are smart enough to play, and some who are selfish enough to play, but, I agree, most men are pretty straight forward, and lots of women hear what they want to hear. I think lots of times people hedge their bets - stay as honest as they feel they need to, while still keeping their options open. But, of course, that goes both ways. If someone is giving you the message that they like to spend time with you, but it isn't going to be exclusive, you need to hear the words.
I think the hardest thing about honesty, is accepting where the other person is when they tell you, the best they can, what they're feeling. Trying to squeeze their words into our own value structure, always gets us in trouble. Maybe it isn't that they aren't telling the truth, but more that they aren't saying what you want to hear. Also, I don't think a relationship should be in perpetual forward motion unless both people feel really comfortable with it. Wouldn't you rather be out of it now, than have him still looking after you're married?
Smiles | |
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| Head Games...What is the reasoning?
Posted: 11/10/2007 1:18:28 PM | I hate the friends with benefit thing too.
So many people just don't want to be honest about what they actually want in a relationship.
I have learned it doesn't matter what age they are.
Sometimes people never grow up.
It isn't fun when someone tells you that later after you have been dating for awhile.
I believe in honesty too. | |
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| Head Games...What is the reasoning?
Posted: 11/12/2007 6:58:41 AM | First off both genders play head games. Why? I personally do NOT know.
First...I can only speculate that for some they cannot commit because the are waiting for something better to come along. Very common. The grass is not always greener, but if that is what they wish..let them figure it out on their own.
Second...simply a control issue. They are an insecure person and perhaps the only way they can feel better and empowered is to play head games with another person who truly cares about them. Seems sad though. When you have someone who cares...why mistreat them and play games? Just be honest. Say what you have to say and move on.
I think most of us know when someone is playing this type of game with us. It is a pretty transparent game in my opinion. I say don't let them play you and put an end to it ASAP. Don't allow them hurt you in order for them to feel better. We all deserve better treatment than that. Move on and find someone with only goodness in their heart.
~TLC | |
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| Head Games...What is the reasoning?
Posted: 11/12/2007 8:11:04 AM | | As for your subject title, there are a million reasons why people play head games with each other. Sometimes it is as simple as being a control issue or a matter of insecurity on the part of the player. This person you had the unlucky chance of meeting seems to have known what he wanted from the beginning, and obtained it. Once he obtained it he no longer felt the same amount of excitement or interest in you since you were already a conquest, but felt the need to keep you "hanging on" for awhile as a back-up or something similar. You did the right thing by kicking him to the curb and in my opinion it would be a mistake to remain friends with someone like that. In my twenties I was the type of person who played the field and promised the moon but never meant to deliver, only to maintain a hold on a female until someone else came along that I could manipulate or trick. In my thirties I have found myself on the other side of the field and now know what it feels like to be used and massed into a group of maybe's or could be's while being told I was the one. For me it is karma coming back to bite me in the arse. For you, as you seem to be a decent person from what I have read of your postings, taking a bit more time to get to know someone seems to be good advice. Unfortunately there are always going to be these people in the world and it is often hard to weed through them to find the gem within the rough. This is advice I have been given on this site and I have learned to take it slow and not let so much of myself go early on in a relationship/friendship. Do not lose faith in people, just be more cautious and wary of who you intend to put your trust and faith into. As President Reagan once said, "Trust but question". Best of luck with your future endeavors. Just my couple of wooden nickels on the subject. | |
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| Head Games...What is the reasoning?
Posted: 11/12/2007 9:02:00 AM | > Why not be honest.
Because people blow up, just like the OP did.
Duh.
It would only be fair to admit that men sometimes sculpture the truth to get women into bed. But then they have to, because they know what women want. Men are conscripted players in a game whose rules have been engineered by the female mind, and the playbook decrees that honesty will guarantee sure rejection. . .This is a program which females themselves have created and which they continue to promote. Then, with their usual circular thinking, they blame men for their obedience. - Matthew Fitzgerald | |
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| Head Games...What is the reasoning?
Posted: 11/13/2007 9:19:16 PM | I think this has to do with either their ego needing a boost due to low self-esteem, or they want their cake and eat it too type of thing...Perhaps narcissism?! Just try to remember that what goes around comes around. He'll get his! | |
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| Head Games...What is the reasoning?
Posted: 11/19/2007 7:12:14 PM | I've talked to a couple of guys on POF that are really good at head games. This one guy we sent messages to each other and then decided to talk on the phone and text each other...Well after we talked for about a month we decided to meet each other...a week before our meeting he started acting different...it's like the closer it came to the time to meet the less he talked. Came up with all kinds of excuses. I texted him and he wouldn't text back..i left voicemails he wouldn't call back. Then out of the blue he was like "oh i've been in the deer camp and couldn't pick up a signal". Funny to me we had talked the same day he went to the "deer camp" and he never mentioned he was going. So 3 days before meeting he decided he didn't want to meet. This is after I took vacation time from work and everything and he knew I was taking the vacation time to go and meet him. If that's not a head game I don't know what is!!  | |
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| Head Games...What is the reasoning?
Posted: 11/20/2007 3:27:52 AM | | He clearly was not where you wanted him to be....as for head games if any guy tries to play them then fold.... | |
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| Head Games...What is the reasoning?
Posted: 11/20/2007 5:54:36 AM | | i honestly think there are several reasons for head games and some are innocent, just part of learning each other in better ways, after all isnt a birthday a surprise a head game of sorts. not all head games are bad but some are. those ones are usually a control method, sounds horrible but its not always a conscious thing. as we know, with some it is though grrrr | |
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| Head Games...What is the reasoning?
Posted: 11/20/2007 4:45:52 PM | | Screwed up people play head games because they are cowards and tell you how they really feel. That or they lie like a fuggin rug. | |
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