| Friend interfering with Relationship....HELP
Posted: 1/26/2006 3:39:45 PM | Okay, I am in a fairly new (6months) relationship and things are going pretty good so far. The only problem is that my best friend seems to be trying to make me mad at him all the time. She picks out any little thing to try to make me have doubt in his trustworthyness. I have been lied to and cheated on in the past, so it's hard not to listen to this, but at the same time, I am trying to start fresh with him and give him a fair chance, without jumping to conclusions everytime she says something. Keep in mind that this is my best friend and of course the time i spend with him now, interferes with time i previously spent with her, so I can understand some of it, but I don't know what to do. I shouldn't have to choose and I don't know how to approach the situation without either ruining the friendship or the relationship.
HELP!!! | |
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| Friend interfering with Relationship....HELP
Posted: 1/26/2006 4:28:59 PM | Don't assume that she wants your man. Yes, it could be a possibility....but I don't know.
Question- Does she have a boyfriend?
Sounds to me like a lot of my old friends...who after I got married...pretty much dissappeared. I think that it's probably jealousy. But I could be wrong. It sounds a lot like it. My best friend at the time did the same thing with my now husband....but she didn't really hate on him to much, more like, hated on our relationship. It's going to be tough...but your going to have to ask her what her problem is. Take into consideration that she might not even realize she's doing it. That's often the case. Hopefully it gets better! | |
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| Friend interfering with Relationship....HELP
Posted: 1/26/2006 5:03:50 PM | I had a very close female friend who was jealous of any man I was in a relationship. She wasn't bi, it wasn't a sexual thing at all. A jealous of time and attention thing. Just as bad, jealousy is jealousy. I FINALLY figured out that she was sabotaging every relationship or every guy I dated. She soon became a former friend.
I'd say to the OP you may consider that this may be the case with your friend. I'd talk to her about it and if she can't accept that she needs to butt out of your seeing this guy then you may have to decide if she's worth being friends with. Just an observation. | |
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| Friend interfering with Relationship....HELP
Posted: 1/26/2006 6:28:23 PM | I dont agree with she wants your man either. Is she single too? If so, its more likely she doesnt want to lose her friend -you - to a permanent relationship. There are things you think about to determine this. Does she have many other friends, were you guys joined at the hip until he came along? Did you and her used to go out a lot together...now maybe she doesnt have anyone to go out and socialise with either
Unless she comes up with something real and concrete you have to tell her to back off but nicely. Tell her you appreciate her input but you want to stop talking about him when the two of you [ you and her] are together
Do you still make time for her? this could also help. Have a set time a week to do something together, movie, dinner drink whatever and stick with it.
Also thinka bout this, this happened to me. Do you complain about him? to her? Do you talk about him a lot or all the time, do you tell her your doubts and fears....she could simply be reacting to what you say...a friend of mine did that to me. Every single time we were together she complained about her b/f, he did this, did that...so I did the friend support thing and agreed with her. But then when all was well for about a week, I said something negative and she got upset with me and told me I wasnt giving him a chance. Arrrrgghhhh. I call this selective memory and its a bit on the selfish side. So we had a right away little discussion about that !! I told her she was always bagging him out and she needed to stop also. I mean what is a friend to say back to that? So we agreed we werent going to discuss him anymore. I said to her, leave me out of it, nicely of course. It worked.
If after all this and you dont do any of the above, she could just be jealous of you being happy and the fact shes not. This is not a good thing to have in a friend...and maybe you will need to take some time out from her. But at least try and talk to her first and let her know her behaviour is wearing thin. | |
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| Friend interfering with Relationship....HELP
Posted: 1/26/2006 6:55:00 PM | yeah tell her that you appreciate her concern but you really need to figure these things out for yourself, she might get all defensive, if she does get all silly then let her, give her space with it but just tell her that you'd like to be getting on with it, with your man.
I wouldn't tell a friend what I think unless the person was doing something they should really know about, you have to respect their choices and their interests, let them get on with it for themselves (she's not with him, you are) | |
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| Friend interfering with Relationship....HELP
Posted: 1/26/2006 7:05:19 PM | | i have three best friends they never get involved its none of her business when it comes to your new guy your with and dating well goodluck in your new found happiness ive been in your shoes before still searching for men i have not found one yet so i guess your bestfriend concern and overproective of you tell here you need your own space and you have your own life you make your choice tell her your okey and to move on in her life not to focus on yours | |
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| Friend interfering with Relationship....HELP
Posted: 1/28/2006 2:01:05 PM | Wow.....that was all GREAT advice....THANKS.
Okay....Does she have a man...not at the time, she's dating here and there, but nothing serious. We were both at that point for a while and then he came along.
Do I still make time for her. I actually do still spend alot of time with her and talk to her all the time. He really doesn't interfere with that at all and is very understanding about me having a life outside of him.
Do I complain about him to her....I haven't really had any complaints...I would talk to her about him before, but she would mostly bring the subject up by asking if i had talked to him or done anything with him, that sort of thing. But lately, when she asks, i'll just lie and say i hadn't talked to him, to avoid the "bashing session" that will most likely begin.
Were we joined at the hip before....yeah, you could say that. WE did alot of going out and doing the "single" stuff before, which of course slowed down quite a bit when things started getting more serious. But I still make time to do things she likes to do, just not as frequently.
Does she have other friends...yeah, but none that are really close or that she hangs out with much.
Update: I actually tried the suttle approach to telling her to back off. She emailed me yesterday to let me know that she had talked to his brother (who she has recently become "friends" with) She said she had started asking him questions about my man, like where he was the night before and basically tried to get info. from him about his whereabouts. I was very shocked....cause i certainly didn't ask her to do that and I felt like his brother would assume that I had her spying on him. I was upset and emailed her back and asked that she stop "investigating" through his brother. I said i appreciated the effort, but would rather her not ask him questions about him cause i really didn't want it to get back to my man and make him feel i didn't trust him, since i didn't initiate any of this.
Her response was, thats fine, if i find out anything, i just won't tell you!.....
I don't know what to think about it...I havent talked to her since then and didn't respond. So now what...I think she has crossed a line here...but I don't know how i'm supposed to proceed! | |
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| Friend interfering with Relationship....HELP
Posted: 1/28/2006 2:20:43 PM | Deb, Her response speaks loud and clear, she doesn't care how you feel! A true friend wouldn't have done that. I would talk to your man and let him know what's been going on so he if forewarnd. I would just move on,,,leave her be. May sound harsh; but intead of respecting you, your feelings and your relationship w/him, she has chosen to put her selfish interests ahead of everything else. Just my opinion. Be careful. Blessings, Patti | |
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| Friend interfering with Relationship....HELP
Posted: 1/28/2006 6:17:08 PM | | Yeah, that's what another friend of mine says about her, that she's selfish and only cares about her own needs. I really don't know why I haven't just moved on...I wish I could have a friend makeover, lol...it's just hard to make new friends these days, and hard to let go of old ones that aren't that great. In a way, I feel like if i let go of the friendship and then things don't work out between me and my b-friend, then I will regret letting this interfere. But at the same time, it might be the best thing to do either way! | |
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| Friend interfering with Relationship....HELP
Posted: 1/28/2006 6:22:42 PM | | HEY HEY HEY you dont have to break off your friendship with her just dont let your friendship with her involve your boyfriend and vice versa... if your hanging with her, hang with her.. if she starts telling you all kinds of shit that might not be true tell her your not interested in gossip and thats that if she is your friend she'll respect that... but if the shit keeps up i would say phase her out of your life so if you and your man break up you can phase her back in lol | |
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| Friend interfering with Relationship....HELP
Posted: 1/28/2006 6:28:12 PM | | you just stop calling them as much and then when they call you just make up plans and tell them ur busy... after awhile the calls will stop being so frequent and then finally she'll be calling like once every couple weeks... try and find another friend to hang out with that isn't really associated with her and one who isn't all gossipy as her | |
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| Friend interfering with Relationship....HELP
Posted: 1/28/2006 6:30:23 PM | Hi Deb, wow she really does have it in for him doesnt she? I mean you have to ask yourself, what is her point? why is she so determined to find dirt on him? even when you dont complain about him to her.
You are correct, she has most definitely crossed a line. She is investigating/spying/snooping on your boyfriend. One just has to ask the question: what has it got to do with her??
You sound like a fair and reasonable friend, eg spending time with her, still talking to her, but if you dont bring up the b/f and she just starts bashing him I would say she has issues of her own.
Two things, One ---: she has been cheated on badly in the past, and is projecting her issues onto your relationship. Eg the bitter and twisted female friend who is determined that all men are cheaters and liars and horrible because they have had bad experiences themselves and want everyone to go through the same thing to prove themselves right. Does she talk about guys this way? Maybe this guy she is seeing is playing around or she suspects and again is transferrring her issues onto your relationship. Two----: she really just wants to break the two of you up for whatever reasons she has. I dont think she is after him, she just could be selfish as you say, and wants all your time and attention to herself This new guy is a threat, she wants to get rid of him and really really digging to get something. She wants to make you scared and or insecure by using that line I just wont let you know if I find somethingout...well thast just nasty and a threat in my books no matter which way you look at it. Its a kind of emotional/insecurity manipulation and that sounds like that is what she is doing. Did you ask her outright WHY she is doing this stuff? Why did she ask his brother about him?
If she cant answer that, or refuses to, I would consider losing her.
You will make more friends, you made her and others in the first place right? so just be open to invitations to other people in your life, eg other women at work, maybe female friends of your new man...even if what they are suggesting to do is boring or not for you, you could still make a good friend out of it | |
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JWA
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Joined: 5/21/2005
Msg: 16 | |
| Friend interfering with Relationship....HELP
Posted: 1/28/2006 6:35:30 PM | This person is NOT a friend---she's simply someone you know and have spent a lot of time with. The problem is she's become more attached to you that you are to her, hence her constant interferring with your budding new boyfriend thing. Regardless of what the reasons or causes are for her behavior she needs to go out of your life. If it's not this then there will be other issues she creates in order to isolate you for her own needs.
A friend would be happy for you and understand she'd not be in your company as often as before BUT would also realize a true friendship doesn't need constant, 24/7 involvement in order to be a wonderful experience. Emails, hints, allusions to what's really on your mind is not the answer----you need to explain your feelings to her and NOT make it a dialog. Express yourself and your wishes towards her and as quickly as you can put distance between the two of you. It sounds harsh and probably is but this is not a normal situation---it therefore calls for actions out of the "normal".
Keeping in mind she is possibly out to sabotage your relationship should be all the incentive you need to take the action you know is required. Allowing her to remain in your life with behavior like this will bite YOU in the butt----and you'll kick yourself if you let her continue.
She's not a friend---keep THAT in mind!!
Best of luck
J W | |
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| Friend interfering with Relationship....HELP
Posted: 1/28/2006 6:41:47 PM | Thanks Angel....I am gonna start that process and at least take a break from her, she's wayyyy too much drama for me right now.
crystalise....your right on about the past experiences and current ones. She has had some major issues with men in the past cheating and in the present treating her like poop, so it makes sense that she might be doing it for that reason.
I didn't ask her why, i was so angry and shocked that I just responded with asking her to stay out of it and left it at that. At this point, I still haven't talked to her, so maybe if i do anytime soon, i will ask....but maybe not, cause i'm gonna start the phase out process...this would be a good opportunity to start. | |
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| Friend interfering with Relationship....HELP
Posted: 1/28/2006 6:45:03 PM | no problem... yeah if all she is doing is causing you drama phase the **** out until she realizes and grows up a little bit maybe then she'll give you a call with an apology...
anyways you dont need that strees... ur too good for that!!!!!!!!!!  | |
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| Friend interfering with Relationship....HELP
Posted: 1/28/2006 6:45:07 PM | Thanks JW....and your right, I have spent alot of time with her and still don't feel entirely that close to her. I mean, i should be able to trust that confiding in her about anything. Shouldnt have to pick and choose what i can and can't talk to her about, if she was a true friend, i guess i wouldn't have to.
Thanks | |
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Ainsel
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Joined: 2/20/2005
Msg: 20 | |
| Friend interfering with Relationship....HELP
Posted: 1/28/2006 6:59:05 PM | I'd like to be a voice of dissension here, just for a minute.
Sometimes, just sometimes, people like your friend, who are not emotionally involved in the relationship can see things that you don't see because you are too close to the picture to see the whole thing. Maybe, because she's been cheated on before, she can see the signs that you might be ignoring.
Instead of writing her out of your life, maybe you owe it to your friendship with her and to yourself, to sit down with her and ask her WHY she thinks he's not all that! Listen carefully and weigh for yourself what she says.
Just maybe, she's really a friend and is simply trying to protect you from getting hurt.
Don't be so fast to label her and her behavior as simply jealous and hurtful. | |
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JWA
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Joined: 5/21/2005
Msg: 21 | |
| Friend interfering with Relationship....HELP
Posted: 1/28/2006 7:57:29 PM | ^^^^^This is the very kind of advice you DON'T pay attention to-----only because it goes against your "gut feelings". The notion she's uninvolved and unemotional about your relationship therefore just MUST know more or have some magical insight you're missing is bunk!! You already know her behavior and how it makes you feel----again I repeat she is NOT a friend by any stretch of the imagination.
Delaying the process of moving her further from your relationship only puts it in jeopardy. It's hard to hear but some people are just not worth your time and effort to befriend and be lienient towards their boorish and eventual destructive behavior.
Let your instincts guide you and NOT "friends" on POF or anywhere else on the 'net----you know deep down what's needed here---trust THAT!!
Take care
J W | |
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| Friend interfering with Relationship....HELP
Posted: 1/28/2006 8:09:39 PM | | Question: Where is your friend getting her information that the guy isn't trust worthy? Sounds to me that she is jealous, because of the time you give to your new friend that used to be her time. One more question: Does your friend have anyone in her life right now? | |
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| Friend interfering with Relationship....HELP
Posted: 1/28/2006 8:45:15 PM | Who knows where she gets the info...I guess she just assumes stuff on her own. She recently started talking to my b/f's brother and that's where she is trying to get info from now, who knows why. At this time, she is just dating different people. Nothing serious or steady.
As for going with my gut, the thing is my gut is very confused. It's like she has two sides, the side i like and would consider befriending and then this hateful vindicitive side i could do without. My gut tells me that friends are hard to find, but at the same time with friends like that....you know the rest. At times, i am truly torn between how to feel about this. | |
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| Friend interfering with Relationship....HELP
Posted: 1/28/2006 8:58:31 PM | | Obviously, your friend doesn't have a stable relationship and as the saying goes "Misery loves Company. I don't know how well you and your new friend are doing or how you both feel about each other. I know that you are an intelligent woman, so I'm sure you can detect the 'signs' if something is amiss in your relationship. Your 'girlfriend' sounds somewhat bitter to me. One only knows why if this is the case. Better to follow your own heart and sense of judgement on this one. | |
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| Friend interfering with Relationship....HELP
Posted: 1/29/2006 6:46:56 PM | | Thanks Ron...and everyone else who offered their advice. I'm gonna kick back before i do anything and try to see what is at the root of this problem. Thanks again, all of the advice was great! | |
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