| Does being a young widower count against you.
Posted: 1/29/2006 8:11:04 PM | Does being a young widower count against someone?
Ive been looking for someone to have a relationship with and everytime we get to the "Have you been married before?" Q. That seems to be as far as it goes.
Is it creepy or something? I dont want to lie about it, its a part of who I am.
FYI - My wife passed from Leukemia | |
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| Does being a young widower count against you.
Posted: 1/29/2006 8:19:47 PM | | What kind of reaction do you get? I don't see why it would be creepy unless you are hanging onto everything and have pictures of her all over your home then it would be creepy. | |
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| Does being a young widower count against you.
Posted: 1/29/2006 8:23:24 PM | Nope dont have a ton of her stuff around or pictures on the walls.
The reaction? Kinda like they just swallowed something really bad but is still trying to smile. | |
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| Does being a young widower count against you.
Posted: 1/29/2006 8:36:14 PM | | Never should be counted against you. I am sorry for your loss but you know what true love feels like...that should be counted for you. Now you know what is real and what is not. Good luck and good wishes..a loving hearted woman with compassion and soul is where you should be. If she is truly swallowing bile..it is coming from within herself..not you. | |
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| Does being a young widower count against you.
Posted: 1/29/2006 9:09:50 PM | I'm sorry for your loss.
It shouldn't count against you. I have a friend, she's 33 years old. Her husband passed away in June 2005 from a heart attack at the ripe young age of 39. She finds that when she meets men, they don't know how to react.
I think if we're in our 20's; 30's; 40's and perhaps 50's, its more common to get divorced than become widowed. People are very akward when it comes to death, they are truly at a loss for words. Whatever you do, don't compare your new woman to your former wife, that would be a big mistake. You should never lie about being widowed, after all that is a part of your history. | |
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| Does being a young widower count against you.
Posted: 1/29/2006 10:02:07 PM | | Thats a tough one. I think I would feel a certain apprehention. I suppose it is a lack of information. You might base your thinking off the Hollywood tradgedy of it all. An ex can cause stress and problems, but she is usually no threat. A spouce that passes is no threat, but the feelings are genuine, real, and forever left in that place. I think it is beautiful when a widower holds that love... but it would be intimidating that as the new girl, you may never measure up. However... I don't think I would ever let it stop me if I liked someone. Its better than being divorced in alot of ways. | |
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| Does being a young widower count against you.
Posted: 1/30/2006 6:05:32 AM | Hi Dreamer -
Being a young widower should never count against you. The problem you are running into may the problem I ran into when I wanted to start dating after my husband died, and still run into today. The majority of people can deal with divorce, break-ups of long-term relationships, and all of the drama that goes with it. However, they find it hard to deal with someone who has lost a partner due to death. I don't know, maybe it reminds them of their own mortality, maybe they feel insecure because they know your spouse left you not because he/she wanted to, but because it was their time and that love is still there. In any event, I have found it seems to be awkward for them.
When I get asked out for a date now, I make sure that before I even say yes to the date, the gentleman knows I am widowed. I also make it clear that he does not talk about his ex and I do not talk about my husband. If down the line we decide to have a relationship, then we can discuss the important things about our past relationships that we feel we need to get out in the open. Since I have started these ground rules, things seem to me much more relaxed for my dates.
Hope this helps. Take care of yourself, things will get better.
Maddie | |
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| Does being a young widower count against you.
Posted: 1/30/2006 7:38:50 PM | | No it shouldn't count against you. Myself I would prefer widowed over divorce because she knows what it takes to make a marriage work, and there is no ex to deal with. Divorce is always a sad thing. Just my 2 cents | |
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| Does being a young widower count against you.
Posted: 2/2/2006 2:47:45 PM | I'm sorry for your loss. It is not you at all. Unfortunaltey there are some women out there as well as men that have set standards for themselves. Maybe being married before is not what they are looking for. It is a shame because it is there loss if they do not want to get to know you.
You will find one day the person you are looking for that can understand what you went through with your wife. The person will be loving and caring, and will appreciate and accept what you went through, and will be willing to start a relationship with you.
Good luck. | |
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| Does being a young widower count against you.
Posted: 2/2/2006 4:51:38 PM | I think they are afraid of not measuring up...
I mean in divorce and such, there are enough ill feelings for the ex that the "new partner" doesn't have to feel like she doesn't measure up.
to me i would be ok with it, to me if you wanted to spend time with me it would mean alot that you would want to be with me after what you've been though. | |
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| Does being a young widower count against you.
Posted: 2/3/2006 12:57:45 AM | like simbad wrote... if she was your true love, it does detract from someones perception of how they might fit into your life. Others seem to not want to 'hurt your feelings', but it's not being honest - a sad fact you see/read all too often. People choose to 'talk nice' instead of being truthfull. You've already experienced it ! It counts against you in the same way (possibly moreso) that experience counts against us in sheilding us from the risks we need to take in order to achieve our goals. We play it safe and hold back.
Just like someone who's been divorced or 'burned' by a loved one, unless you have dealt with the issues rather than seeking a replacement - you'll not get past that obstacle. When you can get past others reaction and 'know' them, you'll find that what you mention is only one of many obstacles to once again finding the love you lost.
Aloha.
ps.. on the otherhand, you have your youth as an advantage. | |
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| Does being a young widower count against you.
Posted: 2/6/2006 7:12:32 PM | | Dreamer..when I said that I wasn't trying to not hurt your feelings. What I said was true for me in how I feel about it. As a dreamer I am sure you know what I meant. As to others who forget how to dream. Maybe what you say is also true for you and how you view it. There are people who dare to dream and people who believe their dreams are over. Like a previous poster mentioned your too young to stop dreaming. Well, I added to his thoughts. Just don't stop believing. Your wife would not want you to stop dreaming, period. Or Sinbads either I am willing to bet. Guardian Angels might be what you all have now. | |
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| Does being a young widower count against you.
Posted: 2/6/2006 8:57:01 PM | 1) I am sorry about your loss
2) I think this is a testament to your faith in a) love, and, b) yourself.
3) I would have no problem dating a widow, as long as she was healed. Heck; I would probably help her heal; if needed.!! (In fact, I did date a widow). I talked to her husband every night to thank him for choosing me to make her happy in his absence, and promised him that she would be ok with me; and better for have knowing me. His reply: "I know that meathead; that's why I chose you".
This is akin to dating a girlfriend in highschool who had to go her way for school..while I had to go mine. Was the love deep, real and genuine? Oh yes. Was this a love that would disallow me to love another? No way. Your wife simply had a path she had to take, as you have yours.
I wish you well and happy sir. | |
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| Does being a young widower count against you.
Posted: 2/6/2006 9:09:16 PM | Wadreamer, I would be MORE attracted to you for being a widower, rather than a divorcee. It tells me that you didn't have any clear relationship issues in your marriage like someone who was divorced may have had. I personally have a greater appreciation for others who have gone through the pain and agony of love, life and living. It builds character and wisdom. I think losses make us all more sensitive and empathetic to others' trials and tribulations in life. Great big hugs, honey! | |
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ROBOC
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Joined: 10/18/2005
Msg: 18 | |
| Does being a young widower count against you.
Posted: 2/7/2006 1:27:50 PM | | You lost your wife to death, not through any inadequacies that either of you had in your relationship. I've learned in my short life span that there are two kinds of people, "grownups" (physically grown human beings) and adults (mature human beings). Most people that I've encountered are grownups, and unfortunately too few have been adults. Some of us are lucky and we mature early enough, but it rubs waiting for the rest to catch up. I'm sure that the fear of being compaired to your wife is a big factor, but still, an adult would work her way past that. My mom was a widow in her early 20's, her first husband was 26 an died of a heart attack, perfectly healthy, never smoked or drank, but he died nevertheless. My mom met my father with a child from her previous marriage, they've been married for 33 years. Take that for what it is worth. | |
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| Does being a young widower count against you.
Posted: 2/7/2006 3:23:13 PM | First I would like to give my deepest condolences to you. I don't know why anyone would find anything creepy about that. It must be very hard for you...
Take care and I hope you find what your looking for...
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| Does being a young widower count against you.
Posted: 2/7/2006 4:47:20 PM | | 1st off so sorry for your loss .... but i would hope that it' doesn't make a difference ... perhaps once you tell them it may make them a bit uncomfortable ... thay may not know how to respond ... | |
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| Does being a young widower count against you.
Posted: 2/7/2006 9:34:42 PM | My condolences to you on your wife's passing.
It would actually be a point in your favor. Oftentimes, divorces are the fault of both parties involved, and I would prefer to avoid getting caught in the middle of all that.
However, being a widower is NOT your fault, and also shows that you had a stable marriage until your wife's passing. I'd rather date a widower any day over a divorced guy, especially one whose divorce was bitter and nasty.
Wishing you the very best,
DW | |
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| Does being a young widower count against you.
Posted: 2/7/2006 10:40:24 PM | | Ya know I dated a woman who was a widow she lost her Husband a year ago more or less and I was the first man she "dated" since her husband .....I knew a woman who lost her husband she wanted to "date" me....but I couldn't. for the reason is......Living in thier shadow! Sure I'll play the Devils advocate.....but it is uncomfortable to be reminded of the life of someone who was thier life. We can console and be considerate but to live up to the memory of thier dead spouse is a daunting task especialy if you are reminded of it all the time. I don't believe in going out of my way and saying " I lost my loved one tragicaly pity me" type situation......Unless they ask me why even bother saying anything. Keep your memory your content times with that loved one but you have to live among the living.....I know it sux for me to say it....but I don't believe in taking the chance of missing out on the next best thing in life. These are just my opinions....but what do I know. | |
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| Does being a young widower count against you.
Posted: 2/8/2006 12:45:17 AM | | why would it count aginst you sadly death is apart of life. it happens if the ppl you attract are somehow offended by this well then thats there fault. losing a loved one sucks but it should never be seen like you have cheated on someone thats just insane. | |
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| Does being a young widower count against you.
Posted: 2/8/2006 7:08:40 AM | Wadreamer~ 1st of all... I'm sorry for your loss
2nd that wouldn't affect how I felt about someone.
Maybe some women feel that the couldn't compete for your love..... When someone is divorced there is usually a reason.... and feelings that ended the relationship.
When someone we love and cared about passes away.... we can become quite passionate when talking about them.
Not knowing the women you went out with or how things were discussed.... it's hard to answer this one. | |
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| Does being a young widower count against you.
Posted: 2/8/2006 10:11:10 AM | I am a young (29 years old) widow and I know the responses you're getting from people you meet. It can range from someone nearly coming to tears, to the nervous, foot-shuffling, mechanical, "I'm sorry". I do not generally tell people that I'm a widow right away as I know it's uncomfortable for them. When I do mention it, I change the subject immediately to remove the pressure.
As far as not talking about your spouse, that's ridiculous! I'm not referring to anything morose. I'm talking about sharing those sacred, beautiful, happy, silly memories that should never be lost. I'm not sure how it works but I do know that if I ever have another serious relationship, it will have to be one that can include Ian's memory. He deserves it and so do I. People are the sum of their memories and experiences. He's a huge part of my history and who I am.
Sorry folks, divorce is nowhere near the same. Even if your spouse left you heartbroken, he/she is still on the planet. You can see them, or hear about them. I would far prefer we had divorced and he was still alive somewhere. I would gladly have given him to another than to have lost him to death. Divorce is the end of a marriage, the end of a legal contract. Death is the end of a life and the end of hope. | |
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