| How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 2/6/2006 8:05:14 AM | I need y'alls advice. Since many of you have been divorced and or are currently separated, I thought it would help me make some tough decisions about my life and where its going. I filed for divorce 2 months ago after finally getting the courage to end a verbally, emotionally, and mentally abusive and controlling relationship that I had invested 24 years of my life in. HISTORY: We both met in college when we were 18 and married right after we got out. Altogether I have known this man 27 years. As I look back, I never really thought he cherished me, loved me, or had my best interests at heart the way I did him. He has always been a heavy drinker but when you are young and in college it seems everyone drinks and you don't think in your mind that it's alcohol abuse or excessive given the large amount consumed at that time b.c everyone else was doing it too. I went straight from living with mom and dad to begin married to someone I, at the time, adored. I forgave him many times for cheating on me while we dated, and while we were engaged I remember once throwing my ring at him and calling things off...but he came back asking for another chance and I gave it to him. I believe that marriage is a life long commitment and took it seriously. Of course, through the years, situations and circumstances arise that test our vows..as we all know. Nobody is protected from that. I have always been one who is forgiving, non-confrontational, a peacemaker...a pleaser. He has a strong Type A personality, very outgoing, controlling, dominate. Life is all about change and none of us stay the same because experiences help us grow to become better people..to ourselves and others. He seemed to hate seeing that in me. Having been shy and quiet most of my life, I began to show more individuality as well as my opinions as the years went by. The more I grew as a person, as a woman, the more he resisted. It was around 1995 that his resistence turned into control and increasing verbal abuse that little by little was his way of keeping me from personal growth...like someone puttingn their foot on your back to hold you down when you desperately need to get up! I have always worked..but he has always taken my entire paycheck. He travelled alot for his job. One night in 1997 he we went out for what I thought was a dinner to celebrate the night we first met in college. It was then that he "confessed" he had an affair in another state with some waitress who worked in the bar at the hotel he stayed often at. I asked the details and he said they didn't sleep with each other...but did everything else. At that moment I had a choice to make...stay or go. Because we lived 1,000 miles away from my family and had two young children at the time...I chose to forgive him and stay. I lost 25 pounds and cried for 4 months. Visions of what "they" did together consumed my mind morning, noon and night. I couldn't believe he would betray me like that. I am a very attractive woman and was still in great shape after two kids. I was faithful and good to him. When the fog lifted from that, I told him that I still needed counseling. It was then that he said "use your own money, but I will save you the time and money and let you know I really didn't have the affair, I lied so it would turn you back into the sweet 18 year old I met a long time ago that did everything for me". I was at work when he told me this. I remember hanging up the phone thinking...what kind of man did I marry! He saw me suffer and cry for 4 months yet didn't say anything! I never went to a counselor but instead started researching about the personality of a man who would do this. Words like narcissitic and controlling and verbal abuser were almost textbook explanations for him. After that things just got worse. He called me names that would make your skin crawl. I wanted to move back home and he refused. Finally, I left and the kids and came back to Texas. He soon followed with a job transfer promising he'd never treat me bad again. All was okay for a year..then it started again. The drinking, the name calling, the control. Three years ago I found a lawyer and handed over a retainer. The next morning I got so scared I called him and got back my money. I just had no courage to think I could ever make it on my own with two kids although I had a great paying job...and I still handed my paycheck over to him. I think I succombed to the fact that I this was God's will for me. I was married to him and I had to take the good with the bad....the very bad. As long as I do what he says, keep my opinions to myself, make his coffee every morning, keep the house clean, hand over my paycheck...he seems fine. But when I don't do those things...he makes me feel like a "worthless excuse for a wife and mother" and that is what he tells me. We are both Christians, but our religions are different. He makes me feel bad for wanting to practice my faith at my church...tells me I won't go to Heaven unless I go to church with him and that he has a "one way ticket" and I don't. I love God and believe that Jesus is the way, the truth, and the light! Why does the one who is supposed to love and protect me hurt me this way? Why do I keep enduring it? I have asked him to stop treating me badly but he say that he will as soon as the house is perfect, or the bills are paid off, etc. He refuses to go to counseling and says he's not an alcoholic because he can stop for 1 to 3 months at a time before having a beer again. Right now he is behaving like an angel but I know all too well that that will soon change. I have no passion for him, can't look lovingly into his face or eyes...he has hurt me so much. If anyone has left an abusive relationship like mine I would love to find out how you did it, what was your turning point, what gave you courage, how did you handle the religious and spiritual aspects of it? I just want to love and be loved...how can that be so complicated? How much more of me do I loose waiting for him to change? How do I get over the fear of being alone even though money won't be a problem? Thank you so much for any help you can give me!!  | |
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| How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 2/6/2006 8:26:50 AM | | I haven't been in that situation but here's my 2 cents: When I hear someone say they have a "fear" of being alone I think they don't love themselves or have much self-respect. Lack of self love causes so many problems and issues to be more complicated than they need to be. If you love yourself it's much simpler, you will know what your turning point is and no one else's opinion will matter. You'll take care of business and not give a crap what anyone else (person or religion) has to say. You asked how long should a woman stay married like that? My answer...less than 5 minutes for me. But a better answer is "As long as it takes for her to learn some life-lessons and get some self respect". | |
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| How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 2/6/2006 8:28:53 AM | Hmmmmm.
from your novel... It looks like you have condoned his actions for a long time.
that is basicly positive reinforcement for his stupidity.
I don't think you will be able to change that.
You may be hurt by him continuing these ways but in a way you hurt yourself by constantly saying it was ok from the time before you were married to now. I don't see him being able to change at the drop of a hat. Counceling may help but the abuse for years may make it impossible for you or the kids to get over it. And this you have to go to church and "Jesus" thing is bull do do... He obviously didn't understand what he read in the bible. Jesus didn't go to church... so why should we in his name... The world is church and you should be christian everywhere to everyone all the time if you actually do believe the scriptures.
His hypocrytical "one way ticket" is to pergatory and I think he is already there and trying to keep you with him. Just leave and tell him he can see you in counceling if he wants to talk you into coming back. | |
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| How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 2/6/2006 8:46:09 AM | | Alright...so I've been in this situation....you need to go to counselling....at least for yourself....and I'm not sure if you have children.....if you do...go to family counselling....yu need to get help and get your life under control and work on your self esteem.....I didn't think I would ever leave my husband....didn't think I could do it alone.....and he made me feel like no one would ever want me....I was lucky to have him cause no one in this world would ever want me....I went to family counselling for my boys and I also did individual counselling to work on me ..and before you know it...I did it....I moved out....with the children....and it was the best move I've ever made.....if I knew life was going to be this good.....I would've left him alot sooner than I did...I am happy....my children are happy and my ex-husband is also happy....and now I can say we are good friends.....which is as bonus...... | |
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liney
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Joined: 12/3/2005
Msg: 6 | |
| How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 2/6/2006 8:57:09 AM | no one should be made to live this way,my only advice is to be on your own for
awhile,find out who you are and what your worth make new friends ,and if another man comes along take your time and get to know him,
it can be fun just to get to know someone else and find new experiences with someone
new good luck | |
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| How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 2/6/2006 9:08:54 AM | | Worse than being alone, you're being hurt by the one you care for. You'd be better off without that b.s. and you know it. Being afraid of being alone is a sorry excuse for putting up with the sh*t you're putting up with. If you continue to take this abuse, I can't bring myself to feel sorry for you. Ultimately, if you don't lay down, he can't walk on you. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. So, stop allowing him to hurt you, unless you want to be, that is. | |
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| How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 2/6/2006 11:46:40 AM | Faithhopelove......You wrote the book on my past life. I look back now and know 20yrs. was totally wasted[except for a handsome son out of it].Did he love me-NO could'nt have and was just an abusive user. Everything you wrote "i've been there and done that'.I read some replies and NO..that won't help at all because he does'nt want it[going to counceling]. The only thing that helps is get out now before it's too late and start a NEW LIFE somewhere else.But 20yrs. later he will look back and realize what he's done ...beg you to come back and I hope you say no and stick to it. There is a better life out there even if it means living alone..at least it's peace of mind for you and your children. This is exactly how my life is..Alone and happy. Don't have to worry about someone coming in on me knocking me around ..taking my paychecks and woman after woman. Please ,please move on and DON"T LOOK BACK EVER..you owe him nothing. peace and love to you. ..You can take my advice and put it to good use OR...You Can Move On To A Better Life !!!!!!!! | |
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| How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 2/6/2006 11:54:50 AM | | My heart goes out to you..... my husband whom I loved deeply and still do love (the man I married and what he represented himself to be) as he was in the first few years of our marriage, before the alcohol became his crutch, and his violent temper revealed itself. It took several years for me to decide since I really did love him greatly, but I have to love myself more than to support and enable him to drink....... he really brought no income into the house, and there were no changes or consequenses. I paid the mortgages and bills, we just stopped going out to dinner and movies and such but the basics were there, finally I thought to myself if I am going down I may as well do it alone, he was sucking the joy out of my life, I never knew who was coming home the nice or the nasty one, we have been apart for years and just writing this makes my teeth clench. I felt peaceful the next morning after I "invited" him to leave... the first time I ever called the police to my home, and knew I had done the right thing. God will not abandon you, he never does, you are supposed to have a joyful and abundant life, as long as you speak life to your life and are not snared by the words of your mouth, watch carefully what you say. Long ago I promised myself I would always do my best for me, I have to spend my entire life with myself, what do I want to look back on, even if I were to fail at least I know I did my level best, was kind to others, and I try always to smile and bring some joy to others, I send you a big hug, be strong in God and in yourself, the situation developed over a long time so it does not resolve itself immediatly either, but persistance wins in the end. God love and help you. | |
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olio1
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Joined: 1/28/2006
Msg: 14 | |
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| How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 2/6/2006 1:11:55 PM | | Thank you all so much for taking time to offer your thoughts...feelings...suggestions...advice. I thought it important to add that I have always been a very spiritual person and think deeply about what God would say about my situation..what would He want me to do? It seems the deeper I read into it and the harder I look for a sign from God above telling me I don't have to endure this kind of treatment from my husband, much less anyone...the more discouraged I become! I think maybe more than fearing the abuse and its effects on me and the kids..is that I fear God will not protect me from unknown consequences that going through with the divorce will cause because I read over and over in the Bible that God hates...detests...divorce. I read that I would be committing adultery if I remarried again. I can't see spending the rest of my life alone. I'm too full of passion, promise, joy, and love that I so want to share with a wonderful man! I was raised Catholic so that seems to make it even harder for me to decide what the right thing is to do. I want to do the right thing...biblically and spritually. Marriage is a covenant not to be broken. Is God using me as an example of one who withstands longsuffering to change my husband into a loving man no matter how long I have to suffer, or is God allowing this to happen so that I in some way change from a weak person to a strong one and the results of that will come after I divorce him and start a new life? Thank you again sweet souls! | |
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| How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 2/6/2006 1:24:28 PM | Oh hunny, I am so glad that you have found yourself... the road is long but you will make the right decision......
My turning point was my son. I realized that I didn't want my son to grow looking up to this man. He was not who I wanted my son to be. It was hard on my little guy, beyond his comprehension-- but I didn't want to enable self destructive behaviour or let someone else go through the hell I was going through. Spiritually? You have to know for you. You are the only person who can decide, no on can tell you how to feel. All anyone can do is give you support-- and you have it!!! Millions of women and men perpetuate abusive relationships all over the world. You may not be able to change the world but you can change your own personal hell, and thats what this is. Don't let it eat you up- don't feel like a failure.... he and his addiction is what is causing this. It won't get better without help, and it seems as though you have done all you can.
Good luck, keep your friends, family and loved ones close by, they will give you the strength that you need to get by for alittle while, and when you are finally ready-- you will stand with a strength you have never known... you will know yourself better then you ever have, and you will have never have known such joy. | |
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