| Passionless Relationship
Posted: 2/6/2006 11:40:33 AM | These two questions are for both guys and girls. How many of you would stay in a relationship that started out full of passion, but after say ten years lost all signs of it? Lets say that everything else in the relationship was great except for that one thing.
Next, if you were dating someone, and you thought this person was perfect in all aspects except for their lack of interest in sex, would you consider marriage anyway? Explain | |
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| Passionless Relationship
Posted: 2/6/2006 11:56:01 AM | Sure i would stay..Sex is a big part of a relationship,but it's not everything...
Theres always a way too spice things up in the bedroom... | |
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| Passionless Relationship
Posted: 2/6/2006 11:58:36 AM | I think a relationship needs passion. Sure you can love someone and be happy but u cant be 100% happy if the passion is gone.
How can you call it making love if there is no passion? It is like making love to someone but not that someone.
Sex is an expression of our feelings, our thoughts and emotions.. | |
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| Passionless Relationship
Posted: 2/6/2006 12:23:11 PM | Hmmmm...
1. 10 years!!!???  ah...hmmmm...please see my answer to question #2:
2. Let's see, I was dating someone who was "perfect" for me in all aspects except for their lack of interest in sex...and I DID marry her. And I still am married to...but...well?
Explain? What's to explain? I loved (and still do love..) her so much that it made the dearth of sex seem insignificant.
But I would caution. That lack of interest in sex is quite possibly a symptom of some other "issue" that you might have to deal with later. If you think there's a "lack" now, you will most likely find it a larger issue later and one or both of you will need to deal with it.
Maybe it's not the other person's lack but "you're" overactive need? (not my personal belief, but...well that's what I'm personally trying to sort out now.) | |
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| Passionless Relationship
Posted: 2/6/2006 1:05:00 PM | hmmmmm...... lets see.....
1) Yes..... try to spice it back up.... look at the situation and correct the problem....
2) No..... simply because that I would be so sexually frustrated I would not be able to think of anything else... let alone plan / participate in a wedding ...... lol
But this would not just be passion for sex...... there is passion over a lot of things and it tends to go that if the passion for sex is gone, passion for other things slowly drips away.... | |
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| Passionless Relationship
Posted: 2/6/2006 1:23:01 PM | If I don't feel passion for someone then I wouldn't consider a relationship with them.
If I was in a relationship and the passion had died, if I wanted to save it I would seek counceling. | |
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| Passionless Relationship
Posted: 2/6/2006 1:48:08 PM | Good advice Shangrilah...
if the passion dies, there might be other factors behind it - that maybe councilling can help with...
And there are ways to get it back. I suggested to someone they take their kids to their grandparents for the weekend and get a hotel room in banff, and try to rekindle the flame they had. When they got back - they set aside a night per week for their own special 'date night' - and after 15 years of marriage - they are rekindling something they thought they lost (and yes they did go to councilling as well and it helped too). I think in a marriage, or long term relationship - you don't really loose the passion - but you might loose sight of it - with all the other things going on. Finances, kids, work - we seem to loose sight of what made us fall in love in the first place...
I myself did get into a realtionship with someone that there wasn't too much passion, but I thought at the time I am in my life, it would be good anyway - wrong. There was always something lacking, and I feel bad that we tried, but couldn't get it - this after 3 years. I think if it was there in the beginning - you can get it back - but if nothing there in the first place, its hard to get it. | |
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| Passionless Relationship
Posted: 2/6/2006 2:47:38 PM | This is a tough one...
I have always maintained that there are three separate components to a healthy relationship, and with one missing, its inevitably doomed (remember this is mho).
1. there has to be a healthy sexual relationship
2. they should be your equal, partner in life
3. they should be your best friend..
In my life if any one of those three were missing, it didn't work.
So to answer question one... The only "healthy relationships" that I know of without passion, are between 80 year olds whom have been married 50-60 years.
You can still love that person as a X, I do! Life is too short! I want to be so in love with my partner/husband that a single kiss will make me ache for him. That I day dream about our passion during the work day, and when the kids are tucked in, we are snuggled somewhere kindling our passion for one another.
My grandparents had 16 children together, I cannot remember them even sleeping on the same floor, let alone the same bed. In the end they stepped out on one another, and the bitterness of a passionless relationship ebbed away at the rest of their relationship, to the point where they separated in their 70's, yes 70's.
If you don't have passion, try to rekindle it, if that doesnt work and its not a medical condition that CAN be remedied, consider how long your going to masturbate before you become bitter with the other person in bed with you.
I would (did) leave.
Secondly, I wouldn't even consider marriage if passion was missing. I said "no" and moved on.
I have lived through both these scenarios | |
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| Passionless Relationship
Posted: 2/6/2006 2:50:27 PM | | If my parents who have been married going on 51 years still has passion - then anyone can do it! | |
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| Passionless Relationship
Posted: 2/6/2006 2:52:07 PM | (OP) How many of you would stay in a relationship that started out full of passion, but after say ten years lost all signs of it?
I was in a marriage for 13 years with someone who was "never into sex" as they told me after they remarried and started having problems with their second husband. I didn't know any better having been married at twenty. I just assumed it was normal what with all the jokes about married men never getting any or what they got being treated like a gift from God.
I've been in my current relationship ten years. The sex is good. When we met the lady had a list like all ladies do. Goals, hobbies, likes and dislikes, what's important in a relationship....I replied, "Sex". After we both stopped laughing I said I was being serious. Why must the number one, non-negotiable, crucial, obligatory, fundamental requirement for a lifetime partner be a member of the opposite sex if sex is not at the top of the list? Personal ads would read something like, "Seeking a long term relationship with an individual who is kind and caring and ambitious and loves animals and, preferably, of the opposite sex."
As for staying in the relationship many people do and seek sexual satisfaction outside the relationship. While many say that does not solve the problem it does if other things in the relationship are satisfactory. Just as some people do not require sex in or outside of a relationship and are happy being in a sexless relationship others find happiness remaining in a sexless relationship while having their sexual needs fulfilled elsewhere. As for people suggesting one should inform their partner they intend to have an affair I ask, "Did the person withdrawing/refusing sex ask their partner before they decided to do that?"
if you were dating someone, and you thought this person was perfect in all aspects except for their lack of interest in sex, would you consider marriage anyway?
Surely you jest.  | |
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| Passionless Relationship
Posted: 2/6/2006 3:29:25 PM | | There is always a reason passion leaves a relationship, it never just fizzles out for no reason, so I would do my best to figure out what was wrong and if it was not fixable, I would definetely have to consider moving on. Sex is not everything in a relationship, but passion is about more than sex and can be shown in many different manners. | |
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| Passionless Relationship
Posted: 2/6/2006 5:06:18 PM | | For me passion is more than just sex. I have been in a marriage and a ltr that the sex was very one sided. If there had been at least intimacy between us, it would have possibly lasted. But sex and intimacy seem to go hand in hand whether or not you actually have sex. Sex is so much more than the just the physical side. It's the emotional feelings, the closeness that you have between you that isn't shared with anyone else. If you don't have that, then what is the point in the sex and in the long run, how can the relationship last? | |
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| Passionless Relationship
Posted: 2/6/2006 6:08:58 PM |
(Msg 13) For me passion is more than just sex. I have been in a marriage and a ltr that the sex was very one sided. If there had been at least intimacy between us, it would have possibly lasted. But sex and intimacy seem to go hand in hand whether or not you actually have sex. Sex is so much more than the just the physical side. It's the emotional feelings, the closeness that you have between you that isn't shared with anyone else. If you don't have that, then what is the point in the sex and in the long run, how can the relationship last?
You wrote, "But sex and intimacy seem to go hand in hand whether or not you actually have sex." So that means sex and intimacy are different things. I feel the mistake people make is they believe they must go hand in hand. If one has a low sex drive I don't believe they are deliberately denying their partner intimacy in the sense they are not close to their partner. If that was the case they wouldn't be upset if their partner had a affair as they would not care for their partner anyway. I feel that's why people can have an affair and still love their partner.
Sex, while it can certainly be an expression of intimacy, is also a physical need or drive. One way to think of it is having a nice dinner. Cooking a special dinner for one's partner is definately a sign of love but, above and beyond that, one must eat. The drive for the physical aspect of sex is present in many people whether or not it is accompanied by intimacy. In other words stopping sex involves more that just stopping intimacy and I feel that's where many couples go wrong. Again, if we liken it to a dinner and one does not make dinner because they are upset at their partner and want to express that they have to take into consideration their actions will result in their partner's hunger drive coming into effect. While I'm not saying sex is as necessary as food in order to live toying with another's sex drive is playing with fire. The consequences almost always outweigh the benefits. | |
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mogrl
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Joined: 5/29/2005
Msg: 14 | |
| Passionless Relationship
Posted: 2/6/2006 6:35:11 PM | | good sex is important and i would not marry someone that is not interested in it. | |
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| Passionless Relationship
Posted: 2/6/2006 7:04:56 PM | the answer to both questions for me, is No....
first of all you can't make an assumption that sex is not a big part of a relationship..to some it may not be..to some it may be a very big part...everyone differs in their wants and needs...if you aren't a very sexual person and it isn't that important to you..seek someone that feels the same..I myself think it's a large part of a relationship..especially at my age when ur kids are grown and you have all the time in the world to spend with that special person...it's what keeps you close and connected...of course there are many different aspects of a relationship that are vitally important like communication, respect, trust, friendship, honesty, fidelity, humor, romance.....but ur sex life is right up there with those....but that is just for me...as i'm sure for others..just not everyone...
that's why there are so many married men wanting to cheat or divorces happening...the wants, needs and desires have changed for one of them..and they look outside the relationship for that intimacy and touch and sex.....not everyone likes to hear it..but it's true... | |
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| Passionless Relationship
Posted: 2/6/2006 7:06:36 PM | | I shouldnt have singled out one gender..i really didnt mean it like that guys i was just trying to get a point across...could be men or women alike..sorry | |
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| Passionless Relationship
Posted: 10/28/2007 2:37:05 PM | Yes, that is exactly what I am saying...there is intimacy with sex, but there is also intimacy without sex....I disagree that they go hand in hand..which is why I stated that they seem to go hand in hand..tho I guess that would depend on your idea of Intimacy itself....in my way of thinking intimacy is a closeness shared between two ppl that isn't shared with anyone else...you can have sex without an emotional bond...but you can't have intimacy without a bond.
I believe that most affairs happen because of a communication breakdown...though I don't know personally since I have never had an affair, tho I have been the one left due to an affair...but an affair happens when one's needs aren't met...if there was a bond (intimacy) within the relationship then there would be communication...staying together takes alot of hard work. We are always changing from our experiences, but is that a reason to give up and go to the next person that makes us feel good inside or turns us on? No, not in my opinion anyway.
I do agree with your analogy to a degree...which comes back to the emotional bond creating an intimacy between two ppl. | |
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| Passionless Relationship
Posted: 10/28/2007 2:40:05 PM | | I would agree that Good Sex is very important in a marriage....everyone needs that physical side.....I don't know that it is a show stopper tho....I was in a 10 yr marriage that had mediocure (sp?) sex, but I didn't use that as an excuse to cheat, deny or leave the marriage. There is more aspects to a marriage than just sex...imho | |
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Jen4u
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Joined: 7/16/2004
Msg: 20 | |
| Passionless Relationship
Posted: 10/28/2007 2:53:22 PM | | Passion comes and goes, if the love is therem then passion will follow. A long term relationship can go through 'passionless' periods, where it may take a little effort or planning to have the 'spark' there. But real, lasting love is what matters. As for dating someone who lacked interest in sex, no I couldn't. I wouldn't be happy. It would depend on how 'lacking' they were, or if it could be motivated! Some people just don't have the same drive. | |
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| Passionless Relationship
Posted: 10/28/2007 2:55:54 PM | The first question in the OP is about rekindling passion, finding what was once there and was lost.
That is my responsibility - I would make it a priority to create and invent passion.
The second question is starting a relationship that does not have compatibility on this level. No, I would not begin a relationship with this type of incompatibility. | |
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| Passionless Relationship
Posted: 10/28/2007 3:40:22 PM | | For me passion is simply a part of life - a part of who I am - I can't see living without it. | |
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| Passionless Relationship
Posted: 10/28/2007 5:20:15 PM | I was in an eighteen year marriage. The first twelve filled with passion for eachother and everything else in life. Slowly that all started to disappear. We still connected on so many other levels but the lack of passion started to eat way at me.. I am an extremely passionate and very sensual women. I increasingly felt alone ,,and left after eighteen years. I honestly believe you must connect on all extreme levels to make your relationship with stand the test of time. No, I would never entertain the thought of being in any relationship that was NOT filled with EXTREME passion and desire. Marriage, failure would be imminent..... ...........................................................CHEERS LEA | |
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| Passionless Relationship
Posted: 10/28/2007 6:46:14 PM | | Who asked who to get married? I doubt that I'd marry a man who showed a lack of interest in having sex with me - I would probably feel self-conscious and that there was something "wrong" with me. There are lots of reasons for lack of interest in sex though, and if he was motivated to figure out why he didn't have those passionate feelings I would stay in the relationship as long as there was a reasonable possibility of figuring out the reasons and resolving what was going on with him. If it's due to stress, wonky hormones, emotional issues, a physical reason, those can probably all be resolved. If it's because they're something about me (or not about me) that is creating the lack of interest, are you kidding?? That's a sure-fire recipee for relationship disaster. | |
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