| Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 2/8/2006 4:51:38 PM | | I've noticed a lot of guys online list 'separated' Many years ago I dated a guy who was separated for about 5 months. About every 3 weeks or so, his ex would hear we went out and she'd come beckoning for him and he'd go running..each time I'd be cool and tell him to follow his heart and do what he needed to do. Then I realized I was falling in love with him and subsequently ended it, met a 'single' guy and moved on. I later heard he left his wife about 6 months later...and eventually remarried (a nurse, just like me). We were so compatible and really clicked but I didn't want to be the other woman for ever and ever, so that's why I ended it. (He's the one I should have never let go)...Now I've come across 'separated guys" and I wonder...is it a Y or N? (my heart wasn't broken, but it could have been...should I risk that road again?) | |
|
| Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 2/8/2006 5:06:53 PM | | ultimatly any advice you get here may be from ppl who have had the experience and are bitter or ppl who have and arnt. i think what it all boiuls down to is if it is something for you. after a while you would think that if the sperated ones arnt working wellmaybe you should change your tactics. just my opinion. | |
|
| |
| Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 2/8/2006 5:13:21 PM | | For me personally, I don't and wouldn't. Separated is not single. Only guys I dated that were separated lied about it and told me they were divorced. Dropped them pronto! I do agree that each case can be different, and it's not just the fact that they may/may not go back to the spouse, it's much more than that. Usually it's just that they aren't used to living or being alone and are needy enough to be uncomfortable with that. A lot expect to transition from one relationship right into the next. They carry over expectations and transfer feelings and expect the new person to prove something to them. Generally it's best to only date someone who's at least a couple of years out of a serious or long term relationship. That's what works for ME anyway. I wouldn't date someone even recently divorced, only because I have and they've all been clingy/needy. Odds are greater that they will be, there are always exceptions. Depends on if you want to take the chance. I didn't. | |
|
| Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 2/8/2006 5:24:43 PM | | Separation and divorce takes a long time. I was technicall "separated" for 5 years before my divorce was final. One good question to ask "separated" men is if they are in the process of a divorce, and when they filed and when they expect it to be final. This will give you an idea of how serious the separation is. If there are kids involved, he will, of course, have regular contact with his ex. If there are not, then there is no real reason for him to be contacting her or her him. Also, another good question to ask is how long has he actually been alone. People need some alone time to get ready to move on, IMO. | |
|
babsee
|
Joined: 10/29/2005
Msg: 6 | |
| Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 2/8/2006 5:30:57 PM | | stay away---- who wants to be the rebound relationship? people need to lay off the dating and get their minds together before they hook up again. nobody can wait it out and get over it first, gotta carry all that mess on to the next person. | |
|
| Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 2/8/2006 5:32:26 PM | | babsee That was precisely my experience with every single one. I just decided not to ever do it again, why take the chance? Plus is every instance they lied about being separated and said they were divorced. What's up with that...I think that in itself speaks VOLUMES!! Separated, newly divorced....NOT for me. | |
|
| Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 2/8/2006 5:39:57 PM | I think you have to live your life within the parameters of reasonable expectations. From everything you wrote I think you did the right thing to move on from the guy you felt so compatible with. Obviously the guy couldn't make a decision at the time. Not only was it your loss but it was his loss as well. I learned long ago that it is impossible to predict the future outcome of any event, but its futile trying to second guess yourself once you've made a decision. You made a decision. Good. Some decisions have better than expected outcomes others have not so favorable outcomes. No point in worrying about what could have been since its irrelevant to your life.
As for the issue of "separated" guys. There is always the possibility that the guy will go back to his wife. But then there is also the distinct possibility that the guy's marriage is over. Kaput. Finished. I think, as you have demonstrated, that an intuitive intelligent woman can assess exactly what the true state of his marriage is. Like any decision its a judgment call. Personally, I think you made the right call at the time. Its the guy you were interested in who should have made a better decision. | |
|
| |
| |
| Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 2/9/2006 3:01:41 PM | I was actually going to start a thread on this topic myself, so now I'll just put my comments here.
Emotionally, my marriage has been over for many years. My youngest turned 18 in August and moved out in September. Since then we've started the whole divorce thing.
I agree that "separated" is still "married" -- at least legally. Emotionally it may be a completely different story. For me, personally, if you were to call my wife and tell her I was out with another woman, she'd be pleased, I'm sure. We're both "over" each other emotionally and physically. I think we have been for years.
I've always been honest about everything I do. My profile here says separated, not divorced or single. I suppose I could have listed myself as married but why, then, is there a selection for separated?
A few women have sent me emails here and, to each one, I made a point of clarifying my situation. If they choose to continue the conversation, they are doing so with the appropriate knowledge.
So, I'm curious how you all think. Should I go away until the divorce is final? Not date until it's final? What?
If nobody talks to me after reading this, I guess I'll know. But, personally, I'd rather put the truth out there and let people judge me on my own merits, not lies or mis-truths.
And, BTW, how do we men deal with the "separated" women on this site? The same way? Do the separated women want to wait until their divorces are final to begin dating?
Curious minds want to know...
Okay, here goes. I'm going to hit the POST button.
~Rick | |
|
| |
| |
| Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 2/9/2006 7:56:46 PM |
There are generally still issues to be resolved - sometimes very complex ones - and the ex can be problematic if it's a recent breakup that wasn't exactly on good terms
I agree with that, the guy I had once dated was not emotionally over his ex, although she was over him. Here's where the 'recent' comes in to play....is it appropriate to ask the person? "So, how long have you been divorced?" How can you determine that without being too intrusive? I know people have dated while separated and had good outcomes and then those who've gotten hurt...How do you know if someone is serious about dating? (and forget about the getting laid thing...we all know you's want that anyhow  | |
|
| Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 2/9/2006 8:03:49 PM | | I think the "how long has it been" question is a valid one....the only concern is finding an appropriate time to ask it. I have never had a problem telling people how long it's been for me, and I've found that others generally don't hestitate unless (a) it was VERY recent, or (b) they're saying they're divorced but it's actually not final yet. | |
|
| |
| |
| Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 2/9/2006 9:09:11 PM | I had a rule, I wouldn't date anyone who wasn't separated for at least 2 years.
I dated one gentleman who was separated for 5 years. He hadn't divorced for purely financial reasons, he said. As time went on, it became clear he hadn't divorced for emotional reasons, as well. *sigh*
I dated another gentleman who was freshly separated. Big red flag. We discussed it. I broke my rule for him. There was something about him. Magical. Anyway, as to be expected, he had other emotional issues he was transferring to me. Not enough distance/time from the wounds, yet. So sad, too. I think he is wonderful. But, timing is everything.
So, my experience is dating someone who is separated usually involves a roller coaster ride of emotions. | |
|
| Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 2/9/2006 9:20:40 PM | Good advise is perspective, but if someone is a recently seperated too much baggage needs to be sorted, a person seperated a year or more have reached some conclusions, 6 months is pivitol and divorce is a just a matter of time.
With divorce the realization the union is done, allows that person to finally look to the future with the prospect of a new and exciting relationship.
Someone just out of a relationship a few weeks is just looking for payback. These timelines are just a rounder but it seems to make sense to me. | |
|
firehd
|
Joined: 8/18/2005
Msg: 20 | |
| |
| |
| Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 2/9/2006 11:45:07 PM | Ah Yes!!!
I just love this thread. For I am a separated man. Yes, technically I am still married in the eyes of the law. However, I have been living separatedly and not in contact with my wife. Funny how that is........ separated.... not joined in holy matrimony.
So, yes, I know most women won't touch me with a 10 foot pole. They will debate and say that I have baggage and blah. ... blah...... I just love how people are quick to judge. Probably because we all base our knowledge and learned behaviours on our past experiences. Well we all have our thresholds of comfort and I guess for some people dealing with a separated person is just too stressful or not worth the trouble. I am sure most people on this site or in our society are going to find out at some point in their life the difficulties of human relationships. I call it the sine wave of life, you get some days on the top of mountain, you get some days in the valley... with chunks of ice pelting you in the head ( Owwwww) ....
I was thinking maybe I should become a Tibetan monk. I need to rearrange some coloured sand for a few years to find myself and discover the meaning of life. A few mantras and meditation and I should be ready to rock and roll back into the dating scene.
Nahhh! Thank God for hookers!!! OOOpps Inner Voice!!!
So, I would say this:
Separated people are human beings with feeling just like single people, married people, and widowed people. Whatever thier status. You could just ask and maybe communicate with us to find out what our unique situation is. But, if you are going to use it as a criteria to weed people out, so be it. I am not going to lose sleep over it. Hey look around you, I see 12000 people logged in right now. I wonder, is it because they are happy in a relationship and everything is hunky dory? Probably not. Welcome to your life. Where would you like to goto today?
Bwahahhhhhaahhahahhahahh (evil laugh) | |
|
| Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 2/10/2006 7:36:36 AM | There's nothing wrong with dating someone who is separated, so long as there exists no chance the separated person will reconcile with their ex.
I am separated, technically. I have filed my divorce paperwork, and could provide a copy of the filed petition to any woman who wanted to see it prior to agreeing to a date with me. | |
|
| Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 2/10/2006 7:57:45 AM | I think the entire idea of shying away from 'SEPARATED' people to be quite funny indeed.
I know of more than one person who has written 'SINGLE' on their profile and is still living with their legal spouse.
What about people who were in common law relationships - does that guarantee the person will not bail and go back to their ex? No guarantees in life I'm afraid.
I have a legal Separation - a contract - just as a marriage certificate is a contract of sorts. Look at the tax forms.. Separated does not equal Married. We are treated as individuals by the Government of Canada.
I think that each person's circumstance varies from the other and should be looked at on its own. Sometimes the reason someone isn't divorced yet is simply financial.
Divorce is expensive! | |
|
| Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 2/10/2006 1:33:52 PM | [/I just love how people are quick to judge. Probably because we all base our knowledge and learned behaviours on our past experiences. Well we all have our thresholds of comfort and I guess for some people dealing with a separated person is just too stressful or not worth the trouble.]
Hey, I never said anything about judging anyone separated, I guess I posted because I wanted to hear people views who ARE separated, and see how they feel. When you're in your late 30's, early 40's EVERYONE has some baggage. I have dated a separated guy. And surprisingly, he actually got divorced 6 months after I ended it with him because he kept going back to her every time she beckoned, I was scared if I continued, I'd end up loving him and being the 'other woman', LOL...I was mistaken!! . (After 5 or 6 times of being cast aside for HER I ended it, I was starting to care.) He is now happily remarried to a nurse (like me) and I still wonder to this day, and believe, had I not ended it, we'd be happily married to each other.
It was a choice I made and look how it turned out. That was 13 yrs ago and I made the wrong choice then....so it's been awhile since I got my feet wet so to speak in the 'separated community'... | |
|
Home
login 
