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Show ALL Forums  > Broken Hearts  > How to deal with a compulsive liar?!      Home login  
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 majik_12
Joined: 1/31/2006
Msg: 1
How to deal with a compulsive liar?!Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I've recently broken up with my girlfriend of 9 months. Things were amazing in the beginning, thought I had met the girl of my dreams. Thing started to go downhill after about 3 months when I noticed some of the things she was telling me just didn't add up. I constantly gave her the benefit of the doubt, I believed and bought it all. Almost 2 weeks ago I reached my breaking point and just couldn't take the lies anymore and kicked her out.

Without going into to many details as she is on this site still and will undoubtedly be reading this I just need to understand the mind of a compulsive liar.

People who lie straight to your face, even when caught with evidence that they are lying, they lie more to try and cover it up. I don't get it, Many many times I've known for a fact she is lying yet she steadfastly sticks to her original lie even if it means implicating someone else into the lie. I confront her with the facts and she says they are the ones lying not her!?!?

The fact she has lied to me so much has put into question whether the relationship we had even meant anything to her. The lies she tells aren't little white lies either, they affect and hurt people. I think to myself how could one person do this to another? The strangest thing is that I know she believes her own lies, she could pass a lie detector test!!

When i first started to see the lies, and what they were it hurt me deeply, to think a woman who professed her love to me could do this tore me apart inside. It wasn't until I had talked to her daughter that I realized it wasn't just me she was lying to. As cold hearted as it sounds i took relief in the fact i wasn't the only one she was lying to. Meaning somewhere in that head of hers there is deep problem, one she refuses to look at.

So my question is this, how does one with a problem such as hers get help when they don't even think thy need help in the first place? Honestly, its to the point where she is going to lose her kids here, I'm powerless to do anything and any advice I've given her has turned ugly because i feel so much resent towards her for all of the lies she has told me and to others about me but at the same time feel sorry for her because she believes her lies to be true, I just want her to get help but theres nothing i can do to help her or her kids anymore.

Would you just walk away?!?
 4everDreaming
Joined: 1/8/2006
Msg: 2
How to deal with a compulsive liar?!
Posted: 2/8/2006 8:11:47 PM
I would have to say yes, I had a friend like this a couple of years ago, she even went as far as making up a baby and some brothers. All I could do in the end was feel bad that she hated herself and her life so much and I walked away. You cant help someone who does not want help and does not want too admit they have a problem.
 kindirishman
Joined: 1/29/2006
Msg: 3
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How to deal with a compulsive liar?!
Posted: 2/8/2006 8:17:46 PM
absolutely no question about it. the best way to deal with a compulsive liar, is not to deal with them at all.
 basicallysweet
Joined: 1/17/2006
Msg: 4
How to deal with a compulsive liar?!
Posted: 2/8/2006 8:22:57 PM
I don't think you have much of a choice here... sounds like you have to walk away. Relationships are built upon trust. Being honest with your partner helps build a foundation for the two of you to grow on... if you don't have that then you don't have much.

No one can get help unless they want help. Some people need to feel so much pain before that happens, and that's really unfortunate for the person. (and for the people that care about them)

Don't try to give her advice... doesn't sound like you're the person she's going to listen to anyways. Sounds like your heart is breaking. Sorry you're going through so much pain.

Lies hurt... so much sometimes! They can even make a strong person so weak... (both on the giving end and receiving)

take care...
 Cally48
Joined: 11/12/2004
Msg: 5
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How to deal with a compulsive liar?!
Posted: 2/8/2006 8:23:20 PM
Don't walk run run far and fast. You Cannot help her save yourself
 HerpesSactoCal
Joined: 12/31/2005
Msg: 6
How to deal with a compulsive liar?!
Posted: 2/8/2006 9:24:35 PM
Walk away? Hell YES, run, as the previous poster stated. My last serious relationship (on my part, anyway) was 2yrs. ago, with a woman who told me she had been sexually abused from the age of 5 by her father's brother. She had also been in a bad car wreck- the other car was driven by a man, thus further fueling her hatred for men. Add to this mix, her medically supervised (treated?) manic/depression. The mood swings & vicious emotional attacks - predicated on nothing more than her FEELINGS- were bad enough, but the total lie the relationship "turned into" I want to say, but in reality, probably was from day one , made my life into a living hell, as we were living together & couldn't get away from one another quickly enough. When we parted ways, I had all of $400, while she had $2300 stashed in savings (saved from the job I provided her, her daughter, her ex-boyfriend & ex- husband)- and hadn't bought food for her cat for 3 days (for the third time- I'd bought it food the prior 2 times), which our rental agreement forbad, and was still placing items on the conveyor belt at the dollar store for me to buy for her. She not only denied the hickey on her breast, but wouldn't admit even to having a boyfriend when he was leaving "I love you" messages on the answering machine in our living room, & I'd already found out his name & phone number & been to his (mother's!) house. This made me re-evaluate the fact that her ex-boyfriend & ex-husband had been hanging around (& the ex-husband was the guy with whom she cheated on her first husband of 20 yrs.!) & they all, apparantly were cranksters In summary, every false note or evasive answer over 21 months stacked up into a wall of B.S. that became insurmountable. Like this woman, your last mistake was either so damaged & psychotic as to be incapable of honesty (or of even wrapping her little mind around the concept), or so sociopathic that lies were her weapons with which to bludgeon you with her contempt. Lies, I think , usually stem from an arrogant contempt for others- after all the lied to are regarded as being too stupid to figure out the lie (but I'd already been to b'fren's mommy's house while she was still floating in her miasma of denials!) She didn't love you, bro. She is either pathologically incapable of loving, or a sociopath who held you in contempt. One down, 2,999,999,999 to go. Plenty off fish. Be thankful- she opened your eyes, & gave you back your freedom! Out! P.S. How to deal? Pray for her,iIf you pray. And STAY AWAY from her. Yeah, I actually went to visit the ex & even though it turned into an overnight, she never mentioned the fiance' her son-in-law told me about ! YOU DESERVE BETTER- SO DO I!
 eye4truth
Joined: 10/1/2005
Msg: 7
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How to deal with a compulsive liar?!
Posted: 2/9/2006 3:49:08 AM
they have not the will
so they stand before brigtness of your light
enjoying the brightness of its glow
they lack the courage to step within its meaningfullness
so they let you fall
and as you fall they watch without emotion and seperate from you
and as you hit the ground they manipulate you
feel guilt cause I have gone from you
whilst you feel the hurt of there seperation
your vunerability wanes your undertsanding of the truth
they was aware of your love and toyed with it
without emotion
do not dwell within its confusion
though you may seem to have reached for them
they always have lain below you
 rose44
Joined: 5/15/2005
Msg: 8
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How to deal with a compulsive liar?!
Posted: 2/9/2006 8:29:24 AM
I agree with the other responses......run away as fast as you can. I was married to a pathological lier. It is like a sickness where they just can't seem to help themselves. They lie over nothing and everything. I wish I would of listened to my gut when things just didn't add up...I couldn't figure out why someone would lie over silly things... from what I have read it really is a waste of time to try and change them. Trust will always be a issue and if you can't trust your mate you will have a lousy relationship. Run away.
 lone56wolf
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 9
How to deal with a compulsive liar?!
Posted: 2/9/2006 9:44:33 AM
You can't. Simple as that. Any deal is based on trust. How can you trust someone who can't tell the difference between fact and fiction? Best thing to do is: feets do your duty.... Your head's gettin' gamed.

Steve
 CountrySugar
Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 10
How to deal with a compulsive liar?!
Posted: 2/9/2006 10:31:22 AM
Get the hell outta Dodge..

I know 2 people like that..they won't change..you can't help them..they need professional help but they won't see that..
 johnny82
Joined: 11/3/2005
Msg: 11
How to deal with a compulsive liar?!
Posted: 2/9/2006 1:33:45 PM
Yes, Absolutely walk away. I didn't the first time, I too was giving in. The longer you grow attached to them the more it hurts when you have to let go. The lies become more painful along the way to if you let them. There is nothing beneficial for you, so no reason to pursue things further.
 OrangeKrush
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 12
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How to deal with a compulsive liar?!
Posted: 2/9/2006 1:54:52 PM
Don't walk, RUN! People who lie like that have deep issues that were there long before you were. Until she can come to grips with her past, she can't be honest with her present or her future. There are plenty of women out there who aren't liars, who are down to earth and real and can be real with you. When there are so many lies, what's your relationship built on? Your in love with the person you thought she was. In many cases the truth is just to painful for one to deal with, but, do you really want to continue a relationship with someone who is deviant, diabolical, and perhaps has a bit of psychosis? Remove yourself from the situation before you're the one who needs to see a shrink!
 coolgirl223
Joined: 1/28/2006
Msg: 13
How to deal with a compulsive liar?!
Posted: 2/9/2006 1:58:28 PM
i agreee. leave now and run. compulsive and manipulative people will just bring you down
 Boxo Frocks
Joined: 2/7/2006
Msg: 14
How to deal with a compulsive liar?!
Posted: 2/9/2006 2:04:32 PM
People who lie are just trying to find the right words to say: "Don't have anything more to do with me."
 marathonman11x7
Joined: 4/29/2005
Msg: 15
How to deal with a compulsive liar?!
Posted: 2/9/2006 2:14:28 PM
Would you just walk away?!?

I totally understand the position of being involved with a freaking liar/manipulator...been there,done that I had to learn that those kinds of issues are far too deeply rooted for anyone to help WHILE INSIDE of a romantic relationship. Its counterproductive and a total waste of time and energy. Having said that,its sooooo hard to walk away when you love a liar. It however, is important to love yourself. A liar KNOWS that the LIES hurt yet they do what they do. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you. It DOES mean she doesn't love you with a healthy form of love. Therefore she doesn't love you as you may love her. This is why you MUST LEAVE. Staying will NOT help either of you. Perhaps walking away AFTER explaining the reasons,will be a catalyst to some internal combustion to getting help.

I,when faced with that situation,after spending 30+ years looking for "The ONE" and never feeling I found her. Found someone who I felt was "the ONE" for the first time in my life. Turns out she was a compulsive liar/manipulator. It was difficult. I went through a break up then make up situation with her. Then I finally realized I needed more,deserved better and had to "walk away" for ME. It made sense everytime I tried it and took her back.....but I felt I tried and said so many things over and over until the ONLY recourse was to WALK for good. IT was TOUGH! There are many crossroads in life that help define our adulthood,for me having the ability and courage to finally walk dispite my love(for her) yet because of my love(for life,mental/emotional health and SELF),was one of them. I walked and then wondered why the hell I took her back after the 1st time I found out she lied about something relatively significant to me.I'm glad I got out...just saddened by the waste of my time and energy and by the fact that another human being goes through what she is going through to be such a compulsive liar/manipulator.
WALK AWAY...if not....RUN! :run:
 all in 1
Joined: 11/1/2005
Msg: 16
How to deal with a compulsive liar?!
Posted: 2/9/2006 2:28:19 PM
Walk away, as others have mentioned,
I 've been there to, was in a relationship almost a year, on and off, thought she was the love of my life, got along great however when I ever questioned her on a topic that just didn't add up, she would go as far as a huge arguement, I would have to leave, get out, then it would be water under the bridge, few days later. I got along with her children, however I looked liked the bad one, kids/her family believe the mom.
I think that when compulsive liars do this they really believe themselves, or it's an insecurity of some sort,
Either way get out of it! put it behind you as much as it hurts, do your best to move on.
I certainly hear ya
 cabana_boy
Joined: 11/10/2005
Msg: 17
How to deal with a compulsive liar?!
Posted: 2/9/2006 6:31:09 PM
you can't deal with them. they are mentally ill and need professional help.
 BladeAZ
Joined: 1/16/2006
Msg: 18
How to deal with a compulsive liar?!
Posted: 2/9/2006 6:33:57 PM
I knew someone that would lie when the truth served her better. And if you caught her in one, she'd shrug her shoulders and say "oh well." She'd also make up lies for the express purpose of causing other people trouble. I think for her, it was more to entertain herself, but either way they should be avoided at all costs.
 fascinatingsecret
Joined: 2/9/2006
Msg: 19
How to deal with a compulsive liar?!
Posted: 2/9/2006 7:13:56 PM
There is nothing to do... You cannot do anything for someone who refuses to see reality and who lives in her own little world. Run as fast as you can and as far as you can. With lies usually follows manipulation. I know this for a fact because I just got out of a relationship of your sort, except that my boyfriend manipulated the crap out of me and actually made me believe there was something wrong with me.

She does not want help, she thinks she is doing nothing wrong. There is nothing to do about it. If you try and confront her, you will only agravate yourself. It's not worth your time. Trust me. There are better people out there for you.
 nybornflwarn
Joined: 10/24/2010
Msg: 20
How to deal with a compulsive liar?!
Posted: 8/29/2011 9:25:41 PM
well I don't even know where to start, but please...anyone in this situation learn from my mistakes. Don't go through the pain. I did for 18 months. And with every lie there was an awesome response that made you think it might be possible. Liars like that will make you feel like you are on top of the world at first. They make you think that they are your soul mate. The sex is usually great and they make you feel like your the only one in the world. That is because what they are selling you is fantasy. It's like disney world or an in house strip club. And we buy it because it feeds our egos. They are also good at making you feel sorry for them. That is their power, their excuse. It's all bs from the beginning. They will hurt you with their lies about their past, their present and even future plans. You will lose your self esteem, get depressed and may even lose good people in your life that see past all the bs. Do yourself a favor and run. Even if it hurts, because the pain only gets worse. With every compromise your self esteem makes you will get weaker and weaker until you are the one on meds. If you can stop the damage you are the winner. Our pain is bad, real bad; so bad it could bring a grown man to his knees, but believe me it is temporary. The other pathalogical liars pain will be forever. This isn't an illness like cancer that you stand by her side for. She knows she's hurting you, but is too selfish to stop. And if they are too far gone then they don't even know they have problems. I waited 18 months when I knew at 30 days the truth about her. She always said it would never happen again. She just thought she would never get caught again.
 oompa-loompa
Joined: 7/15/2011
Msg: 21
How to deal with a compulsive liar?!
Posted: 8/30/2011 1:11:21 AM
Yes, I would just walk away. Took 4 years but dammit I did it. Compulsive liars are good at plucking your guilt chords, and making you feel responsible for all of their actions. By making you the enabler they know what they can get away with telling you, and how often.

Someone like that you can't stay in their life in any capacity, because they will only pull you into their sphere of lies. I can't beat into your head how hard it is to not feel responsible for what they bring upon themselves.

It's such a ridiculously easy mind game. The problem is at some point it's not them playing you, but you playing yourself. In the end you're going to have to be selfish, and even if you come off as a jerk to a lot of people in the end it's all about you and what you want out of life.
 jan1025
Joined: 3/23/2009
Msg: 22
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How to deal with a compulsive liar?!
Posted: 8/30/2011 7:09:26 PM
I agree with what others say here.

Liars have motives, and they play headgames. If they can lie about anything, then they are lying when they say they love you.
It's a mental problem. My friend told me once ( a nurse) that there are as many mental health illnesses as there are phobias (spelling?). Liars like a phobic have a mental problem, just like a thief, a shop lifter, a drug user, etc. You get my point.

Most of the time, liars don't remember the lies they tell. Kudos (kidding) to the ones that do, they are smarter then the average liar!

A liar wants something from you, thats why they lie, and it can be anything from money to attention, and any thing that they need.

I believe we all lie, little white lies, but a compulsive liar is the worse, no matter what!

I would walk away from this person. Just be honest with yourself. It's nothing you've done. You need to find someone that you can trust and believe in.

Just be strong, and maybe when you leave her, she'll learn not to lie.

You deserve better, and she is not for you! Being single is far better than living with a liar! They cause confusion and hurt.

Move on. Wish her the best, don't fight with her. Say bye, bye.
Good Luck,
Jan
 kailania
Joined: 4/10/2008
Msg: 23
How to deal with a compulsive liar?!
Posted: 9/3/2011 4:47:56 PM
my ex mother in law was a compulsive liar. it was crazy. she would lie right to your face and swear she was telling the truth about some stupid little thing that didnt even need lying about.
it made NO sense at all.
since then i have met 2 others like that.
one of my ex bfs lied alot. some of his lies were over little things that he would have came out better if he told the truth.
but when someone constantly lies about little things you begin to wonder about everything they say.
i could hardly believe a word a he said.
what is the use of a relationship when there is no truth...no trust.
get out of it as soon as you notice this.
they also have a way of making you look like the guilty one. or that they lied just to give you an answer because they did not want to be honest and give a real answer.
what always got to me was that many of the lies were about small things.
it felt like a power trip....
as in....did you have eggs for breakfast? no..i had cereal.....when you know he had eggs. as if they feel the need to be so private and hidden in their lives with what they are doing. they want to keep you at a distance. their intimacy skills are not there or broken.
run.....fast.
 buckeye1332
Joined: 5/19/2011
Msg: 24
How to deal with a compulsive liar?!
Posted: 9/3/2011 6:34:34 PM
Majik 12,

It is not your job to fix her life. If she chooses to live a life full of lies, then she must lay in the bed she has made. It is unfortunate that she has kids that I no doubt suffer from her inability to tell the truth.

I am a no BS kind of person, so I would most definitely walk away from her if I were you, I wouldn't give it a second thought. You deserve better than a liar.
 mysterychick63
Joined: 12/26/2010
Msg: 25
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How to deal with a compulsive liar?!
Posted: 9/4/2011 10:29:32 AM
As hard as it is to believe.......... some people lie so much that they ACTUALLY START BELIEVING WHAT THEY SAY TO BE TRUE! I know this sounds stupid, but it's true.
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