| Women with Kids
Posted: 1/23/2005 6:35:52 AM | I have a friend who had a great woman he could have married.
She loved him but he would not marry her because she had a kid.
He said he did not want to raise another man's kid.
I tried like Hell to talk some sense into him.
Look I said, the kid is no big deal, she is a good kid and her father
is easy to get along with. Still he would not listen. Now she is remarried
and he is all alone.
I hate to say it but he made his own bed and he sleeps in it all alone.
What ever happened to being flexible and understanding ? Truth is,
she is better off for not getting to marry him. | |
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RobD20
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Joined: 11/10/2004
Msg: 2 | |
| Women with Kids
Posted: 1/23/2005 3:50:19 PM | I'm gonna have to side with the guy here.
Because you got to remember, that some guys just don't want to raise another mans kid. This is just a fact of life. Some guys will, some guys won't. I feel sorry for him, if this woman was really a great gal. But, if she is already remarried, kinda says something about her...
Men avoid women with kids, because a lot of them are just looking for a source of financial/other support.
For me... I want a woman who will be my equal, not somebody I have to look after. | |
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| Women with Kids
Posted: 1/23/2005 4:17:45 PM | As someone who has done it, I firstly can say that I agree - some guys can, some guys can't. As someone who did it, it really wasn't a big deal. You and the woman decide upon the role you have, and if you're lucky, you get to treat this child as your own. That takes some responsibility, and has as many benefits as challenges.
However, I won't do it again - EVER! Why?
IF you're in the 40% who remain married forever, then you don't have to be worried, but...if you aren't so lucky, and eventually break up with this woman, you have lost a child as well. If you have a child together, you at least have legal rights to this child. As an 'ex-stepfater', you have no rights, and consequently, realize that for the child to keep seeing you and treating you as her father, serves only to confuse the child. What if Mom remarries? The little one then has 3 fathers?
Years ago, I would have said your buddy was being foolish. However, losing my marriage was only half as hard as saying goodbye to a wonderful 8 yr old girl that I've not seen in 2 years. So, from my experience, I can totally understand his reasoning. | |
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| Women with Kids
Posted: 1/23/2005 5:34:01 PM | Can I offer my POV?
In my opinion, the next man I date will not be raising my children. IF we are in a committed relationship that I believe has a future, only then will he meet them. My children already have two parents. Sure, my next partner can be friends with them, even role models. I guess I just don't see it as him "raising my kids" because my kids have myself and my ex husband to raise them. Role Models come in many forms ...
Also, I think that things are changing as far as step-fathers having legal rights to children after a divorce involving a step child. Depending on the situation, it is probably beneficial for the step father to be able to have some type of contact with the former step child, no? I am not a lawyer, but I think that depending on the state, there are some rights in place for this situation.
That said ... I can respect a man's choices if he isn't interested in dating a woman with children. It doesn't bother me because then that clearly isn't the type of man I would be interested in myself.
Kelly | |
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| Women with Kids
Posted: 1/23/2005 6:08:35 PM | | I am all for men hooking up with divorced mothers. I did that myself an embarrassingly large number of times. I wouldn't change a thing. Now that the adult relationships have ended and there are several lost relationships with children I still love dearly, looking ahead I just can't do it again. The primary parents do not consider the bonds between step parent and child to be as deep and meaningful as their own, in my experince. There is also the precdent of being willing to trash the relationship rather than hang in there and make it work. I understand completely that as a divorced parent contemplating another relationship, hope for the best is the only option. When it works, great, and I hope it does. I just think that the original parent doesn't typically fully appreciate the ramifications of secondary bonding, or the legitimacy of the new mate's claim on the family. Being a second husband and a step parent is not a role to enter as a follower, and single mothers are often too protective and wary to accept either equal partnership or leadership. The result is a subordinate role that leads to conflict. I applaud anyone who can make it work. I could not. | |
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| Women with Kids
Posted: 1/23/2005 7:07:57 PM | Well I have dated prob 8 women with kids, First off not one wanted any money to clear that up, i spent a few years with different women, and yes its hard to be a part of two young childerns lives being there man figure, then losing them when you break up,, my problem was with the women i dated, the role i played, I am Italian so my beliefs on rules ect are different, and thats where we butted heads, and thats why it didnt work, it was due to the Rules around the kids, the person that comes in from the outside never actually has a final say no matter what you agree on, as in my case the mothers would change the rules to suit,, do i regret it no not really, would i do it again yes i would, would i do some things differently yes,
Your friend must have dated this woman, what did he do about the child while they dated?? did he think the child would go away? if you persue a woman with kids and you do not plan on raising or helping to raise the kids your just wasting every ones time | |
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| Women with Kids
Posted: 1/23/2005 11:54:46 PM | | Being a widowed mom, I often face that issue of "raising other man's children" or "excess baggage". To a certain extent I can understand the "raising other man's children" sentiment, what really bugs me is the "excess baggage" comments, I have met a lot men who, though don't have children, have a lot more baggage than I do. Children offer unconditional love, they don't care who or what you are or whether you had a hand in the making of them (ok, maybe hand is not the right word, lol). Sadly, it is them who often get stuck in the middle and who are used as pawns against the other parent. All I have to say is that sperm and eggs do not make a man or woman a "mommy" or "daddy". My last long term relationship, he also had 2 kids, the hardest part was having to explain to my children not why they won't see him anymore (his choice), but why they can't see his kids anymore. Being in Ontario, the law says that I could pursue him for child support from him and force a visiting issue between him and my kids, I won't do either not only because I think the law is wrong but because I will not confuse my children further. That being said, and I may sound hypocritical, I will often think twice about replying to a man with children. However, it is NEVER about the kids, the past has taught me that ex wives use the kids to manipulate and control the man, maybe out of guilt, he usually falls for it. I couldn't begin to tell you how many nights after my own were in bed and we would be getting ready to relax maybe watch a movie and the phone would ring telling him to drive an hour each way to pick up the kids because she wanted to go out. That is what I consider excess baggage. | |
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| Women with Kids
Posted: 1/24/2005 2:54:24 AM | | And if those two ex's don't like each other, every time they hand the kids off it starts another round of snarling and wound licking, ruining another evening. Each time the phone rings and it's the ex, they open one of those baggage bags and out flys another small demon. Unless the ex's make peace, that is part of your life. If you suggest they bury the hatchet, they get angry, and try to bury it in your head. I recommend either counseling or excorcism to help them get past it. The kids are the only sane poeple in this arrangement. The kids are the fun part. The kids know their parents are being retarded. Battling ex's are a drag. Guilt and resentment often last longer than their marriage did. | |
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twr
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Joined: 1/2/2005
Msg: 10 | |
| Women with Kids
Posted: 1/24/2005 9:18:57 AM | | I heard that women with kids are likely to be more selective in who they choose and less into the head games, because they are looking to settle down. I think if you meet someone with kids and they are hesitant to introduce you to their children before the first few dates, this is a good indication that they are concerned about the child (which is a good thing) because someone that isn't concerned about their own child how would they ever be concerned about you? If you really fall in love with someone that has children how would you let this stop you. My advice tot his is it is best to investigate the circumstances how the father left. Find out what kind of person he was, was he an assh*le, was she the problem... If you do get information and find he was similar to you one might foresee that the same pattern emerges. | |
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| Women with Kids
Posted: 1/24/2005 10:26:59 AM | | Maybe it was obvious that the girl with the kid was looking for a daddy, and not a husband. I'd run the hell away in that situation, too. I'm not about to get myself involved with a girl, just because she thinks her kids need a male influence in their lives. If that's *part of it* (less than 25% of her reasoning), then maybe, but if that's her ulterior movtive, no ma'am. | |
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w8in4u
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Joined: 12/26/2004
Msg: 12 | |
| Women with Kids
Posted: 1/24/2005 12:09:30 PM | Being a single parent with two children I married a man and had a third child with him. After we divorced he has maintained in communication with all the children and he still treats them with love and concern, as does his new wife. He has another child with his new wife and I remember to include Chrismas gifts for her as part of our family.
My children are not confused by this, they are loved by more people.
I don't believe that it's a package deal - you divorce the parent - you loose the child.
Honestly anyone that loves their child would do what's best for them and in many situations letting your child continue a relationship with a person she/he has had in their life reassures them that she/he is still loved and has yet one more person to turn too. | |
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| Women with Kids
Posted: 1/24/2005 4:04:38 PM | | I agree with you, however, both adults have to be mature. When my ex was living here he often said that he wasn't my children's father and when he left I tried to keep thing friendly for the children's sake, when I told him this he said that he wasn't my kids' father and didn't care whether we were friendly or not. This is where I say that my children will be confused, if breaking the connection with my kids is what he wants, who am I to force the situation if in the end he's just going to resent them? I say they are better off without him (as am I, lol). | |
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| Women with Kids
Posted: 1/24/2005 5:14:24 PM | Well...this thread applies to my own life.
Some very mature, thoughtful replies on here by the way everyone.
Recently, I was in a 4 year relationship with a woman who had a child from a previous relationship. Yes, it bothered me. I loved my girlfriend very much. We were very compatible. But honestly, the times were best when the child was not around. She is a good kid, but I was young when I got involved and I've never wanted to be any one's father. So I made a "bad choice" as far as even starting this relationship. But I thought my opinion would change over time and I would except the role. So did my girlfriend. But 4 years later, while older, my opinions had not change. We tried to take things to the next level and got engaged, but realized this was a mistake and we broke up. I miss her terribly because in a lot of ways she was the perfect woman for me. Obviously we weren't completely perfect for each other given the situation.
So, I've learned to never date a woman with kids again. I honestly don't think I even want to have kids of my own. I'm just not into that lifestyle (at least at age 26) and don't really enjoy being around children like a lot of people do. | |
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| Women with Kids
Posted: 1/24/2005 8:15:56 PM | When I married my now ex-wife,she had two grown sons. When we divorced (we remain friends) I kept the kids...the whole family. I now have two grandkids who I feel as my own.
I am now very interested in a lady with two young children. She asked me if I like kids,and I admitted that I did; unfortunately, I was never able to have my own. I feel that I can give them all the love that I can give, and am willing to do that. I realize that, if we get together, the girls will come first...that's a given.
As to raising another man's children, if and when we get together, they will be the kids I was never able to have.
I realize that this differs from most all the others, but I make no bones about it. In fact, I've already got Momma a small valentine present, and both of the girls one too. If it works, fine...if not....there are other "fish in the sea" | |
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| Women with Kids
Posted: 1/24/2005 8:28:13 PM | I would raise another man's child if I loved their mother. It's just something you do when you love someone - you love the people they love, and you want to make their lives (and the lives of those they love) better.
Yea kids make problems in a relationship, but really love is something you have to fight for. I know a lot of people disagree, but you're wrong. This world doesn't help people stay together, it pulls people apart with jobs and money stress, temptation etc. You can't make someone love you, but other than that, it's you two against the world that's trying to bring you down.
Kids, they're a challenge. But if the mom loves her kid, and you love that kid, that's probably the best way to love (as an action) their mom. | |
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| Women with Kids
Posted: 1/24/2005 8:31:38 PM | The problems don't come from the kids, or the fact they have a father who is not yourself. The problems come from the craziness of the woman and maybe her hostility with her ex.
It is walking into a world shaped by divorce. | |
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| Women with Kids
Posted: 1/24/2005 8:33:40 PM |
It is walking into a world shaped by divorce.
That's a good point as well, oldsole. | |
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| Women with Kids
Posted: 1/24/2005 8:38:47 PM |
It is walking into a world shaped by divorce.
I agree with that. I don't think that the kids are ever the problem, the adults are the ones who feel like they have to be better than the other in the children's eyes, they never asked for that. | |
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| Women with Kids
Posted: 1/25/2005 5:40:12 AM | Well I myself am A young mother with a 4 month old daughter... I agree that most men will not accept the fact that the child is not there blood child! But I have found a wonderful guy out there whom wants eveything to do with my daughter!!! unlike her father! I respect those who dont want to take away from the father but what is there is no father? whatif he could really care less? I dunno then I REALLY REALLY respect those whom take on such a responsability and such a bond!
*~ DESI ~* | |
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| Women with Kids
Posted: 1/25/2005 6:22:57 AM | | Well Rob. It's much easier at your age. When you get around my age, there are lots of women. Many of them not only have kids, but they have grand kids. Don't be too judgemental about other's kids. You never know just who the kid will grow up to be. Just imagine for a minute, she has a small son. You both fall in love. Years down the road, the son turns out to be very athletic. Hell man. There is nothing that can stop him from becoming the next Slammin Sammy...etc. Which end of the scale would you rather be on??? Him remembering you as that cool dad who helped him become the man he is, or the **stard my mom married and now he'll never get to live in the home I bought my mom. There are far too many roads to cross and turns to take on your way to old age. She can have your kids. If you're with a woman who has a small kid, it's a d*mn good way to learn what being a parent is all about. Not by making some girl preg and finding out the hard way. There's far too many fatherless kids in the world now. Just my feelings. | |
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| Women with Kids
Posted: 1/25/2005 9:15:45 AM | I resent the remark that women with children are looking for financial support....
I am my 7 yr old sons only caretaker and provider. I love the relationship I have with my son and I often worry that a relationship with another man will take away from that instead of add to it.
If I do not seek financial support from his birth father, why would I look for it from you?
This whole thread is inane due to the fact that most loving responsible mothers wouldn't want you if you felt uncomfortable with the fact that she is a mother of a child who is not your own. Grow up! In all but one of my relationships, the man I was dating had NOTHING to do with my child.... the only time I will even consider letting you meet him is if we are making definate future plans.
Not all women are looking to be rescued, but it seems plenty of men on this site are looking for another mother.
If you want the real reason why some men won't date a woman with a child it is this:
They know they will never be the most important person in your life....
they know that you won't always have time for them and that a little person will have almost all of your praise, consideration and time.... hence: they know that single parents (whether male or female) do not have the luxury of being selfish.... now mothers? would you really invite this struggle into your life knowing what is of real importance?
Everyone is perfectly within their right to ask for whatever they want in a relationship... we just need to respectfully understand that not everyone can give us what we want.... and wait patiently for the person that can. | |
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| Women with Kids
Posted: 1/25/2005 10:07:51 AM | I like your idea of respectfully understanding
by dismissing what people say here
assuming what the men really think
and telling them to grow up
half the posts at this site are the pot calling the kettle black, and the other half are the replies, except of course for my shiny pearls of wisdom
I am shocked and awed to find so much anger seething below the surface at a site for, wait for it.........
single people not at fault for their last failed relationship
(where is the site for those other people who made the mistakes we who are here suffer from? Is it called PlentyOfRats.com? I just looked and that domain name is available!) | |
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| Women with Kids
Posted: 1/25/2005 10:13:05 AM | | I told the man who stated that women with children are looking for financial support to grow up, and yes I do believe that men with sentiments such as that feel they are gods gift to women.... being judged as a leech, because I just so happen to be a mother??? it is ridiculous to assume that I am incapable of supporting myself and my son in a comfortable manner because of my marital status.... welcome to the year 2005 .... | |
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| Women with Kids
Posted: 1/25/2005 10:36:14 AM | "The last time I dated a girl with kids, it was a nightmare. She was a major b*tch."
Sometimes, women with children have by the force of circumstance learned to put someone else above their own wishes, and can make the most kind, sensitive, and satisfying partner.
On a side note: I noticed that many of the men who are unwilling to raise another man's child aren't all that willing to raise their own, either. | |
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