| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 2/20/2006 5:25:48 AM | So I was reading through a psychology book and found a section stating that the divorce rates are rising.
I also found that the number of adults living together without getting married is increasing and that this cohabitation is to act as a sort of "Trial marriage".
What does everyone think about this cohabitation as an alternative to marriage? | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 2/20/2006 5:27:27 AM | I no idea/clue i know i was liveing with somebody im dateing,
and we plan on getting married when he gets back home.
what does "cohabitation" mean? | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 2/20/2006 5:43:55 AM | Good topic, Doc. Worthy of examination.
There is an interesting and entertaining book, about this topic: Unmarried to Each Other, by Dorian Solot and Marshall Miller.
Marriage rates have been substantially decreasing, and median age at first marriage increasing, coincident with vastly higher rates of cohabitation. Since 1970, cohabitation rates have increased tenfold.
It is not that couples are no longer forming family units, but that cohabitation appears to be replacing young, starter marriages. I believe the majority of first births in the U.S. are now to unmarried mothers.
Most people still go on to get married, although not necessarily to their original cohabitation partner.
See the website of the Alternatives to Marriage Project, started by Solot and Miller, at http://www.unmarried.org/
Vast disagreement exists, about the wisdom of cohabitation. Institutional and religious leaders tend to disapprove, while the street-level public is embracing this practice through participation.
My vote is in favor of cohabitation, as an alternative to marriage. | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 2/20/2006 7:21:11 AM | In my relationship right now we are Cohabiting. I think its good to do that before you get married, you learn a lot about the little things of the other person that you wouldnt know just dating (like being really messy  haha) I think like the others said its a good pre-trial. I do however think eventually we will get married. If something happend to my spouse I would have no legal standing. Were not rushing it though, we are happy with how things are going now, no need to change it. If you cohabit first I think you'll have a better chance at a successful marriage because you know what to expect. | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 2/20/2006 7:23:31 AM | | The only reason I would ever be married again is if I was going to have kids. Cohabitation for me! | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 2/20/2006 8:44:49 AM | If you are able to keep young children out of these 'trial' marriages, I see nothing wrong with them. With two children of my own, I wouldn't think of shacking up with someone I was dating in a million years. I'm a little old-fashioned as to what message I want to send to my boys. I have a girlfriend who has lived with a number of men throughout her two daughter's lives (they are 8 and 13 and by different daddy's; they are currently living with a new man with whom she had her third child with and STILL no marriage!), and I wonder how this pattern will affect their dealings with the opposite sex when they become adults. *sigh* As parents we really need to be mindful of the impact these kinds of things will have on our children.
If children aren't involved and it is mutually agreed upon by two consenting adults, then have at it... | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 2/20/2006 12:22:07 PM | I feel living together before saying "I do" is the only way to go. I always test drive a car before I make the purchase, why not test drive my man first?
Mary  | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 2/20/2006 12:23:14 PM | | From a daily, pragmatic perspective, I see no difference between co-habitation and marriage. | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 2/20/2006 12:30:36 PM | Fact: People who lived together before marriage have a higher rate of divorce than those who did not live together.
Do a search on the internet and you will find many sources that basically say that living together first does not automatically translate to a successful marriage.
The main problem is people relate it to 'testing driving a car', however not everyone is always up front when just living together. | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 2/20/2006 12:31:19 PM | I Have to Agree With Summer Teeth here... I mean take away the wedding ring(and most cohabitating couple have bought each other jewelry at some point anyway) and the little piece of paper and it's really all the same.
I remember years ago someone asked me to name ONE happily married couple.. I name an aunt and uncle of mine, as they are the sweetest pair you'd ever hope to see together. Turns out I learn, last year... They aren't married. They have no intention of being married. 30 years together, 3 kids, a home, cars, a life shared in joy.. and they never spent money on some big fancy wedding..
Ask them and they'll tell you.. they got rings (even un-married women love diamonds you know) and they got a piece of paper (its called a mortgage). THey live together in wedded bliss.. in all senses fo the word, except they arent married. | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 2/20/2006 12:36:20 PM | Speaking of morgage/house.
One big difference between marriage & common-law. Marriage there is automatically a matrimonial home. Even if the house is in one person name, the spouse has rights to 1/2 of it.
Where as in common-law, the house is in whoevers name. The mortage can be in both names but if the deed is in one persons name than it's their house. Supreme Court ruled that I think last year or the year before.
So don't assume matrimonial home if you're not married. | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 2/20/2006 12:42:09 PM | If you're living with someone and making an investment as large as a home, I would think you would be smart enough to protect your investment and have your naem on the deed as well. Wehn married, the house belongs to both parties, and that rights to 1/2 crap only goes so far... ever see a house getting cut down the middle? I didn't think so.. so either way, in the event the MARRIED couple break up, something must be done to make it "fair (like anything in life really is). Same goes for co-habitating. Put the house in both names, and you'll still have to do somehting to settle the score. No real difference really.
But I do want to point out.. your post makes me think something. It's a good thing you're not a hockey coach, you'd probably send your goalie home before the game even starts. NEVER WALK INTO THE GAME THINKING ABOUT THE DEFEAT. Sure you may lose a game or two, but if you start first period convinced the other team will win, chances are they will. Who said anything about the dissolution of the relationship? | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 2/20/2006 12:43:56 PM | I lived with my man years before I married him. I find nothing wrong with it, as long as they see each other and know one else. Yea, I would of prefered to of got married first, but if something is going to work, sometimes you have to make sure it is going to work first before you say I do, so you don't join all the devoriced people out there.
People ask you if you been married before, even chruches ask that. They sort of for get to ask if you lived with someone before. I guess people that don't live toghter first just do it for the no shame factor of it. But thats just my take on it. | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 2/20/2006 12:44:42 PM | | I never walk into a game thinking about DEFEAT. However I do walk into the game knowing the opposition, learning from past experiences. I don't walk in being naive!! | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 2/20/2006 12:48:16 PM | | Well if you don't walk in naive, then you would be sure that your name IS on the deed in this case, which makes your point even less valid. Anyone thinking of the end of the relationship will also be thinking of how to protect their own. THere are those that move in with someone because they are truly in love (and love is not different, married or not.... ) will not be so concerned witht he worst case scenarios. In any case, whether I was buying a home with my husband, lover or friend, I would still insist on my name on the house. | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 2/20/2006 12:52:49 PM | At nineteen I cohabited, two years later, we were married and four years later, had the first of three children, but after 18 years of living together, we divorced.
Most of this was a function of who we were, independent, adventurous, niave, spontaneous and caring. It had nothing to do with being married or not.
I don't believe we married for love, but rather for convenience. It was tiring to have to wear a 'fake wedding ring' to rent a home, to explain to relatives that this was a chosen lifestyle and when approaching reluctant institutions for financial transactions.
The same things happened with regards to having children. Children were not a priority in out lives, but actually they were conceived and born, out of frustration with peers.
We have raised three of the most delightful, intelligent and social kids in our neighborhood. This isn't solely my point of view, but from the community.
Marriage or no marriage isn't the defining environment; our world is created from a collection of caring, energetic and enthusiastic INDIVIDUALS. | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 2/20/2006 1:14:15 PM | Kudos to SECOND LIFE..
with a reply like that.. nothing else really needs to be said, does it? We create our environment and details become unimportant in the big picture. | |
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Alzena
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Joined: 6/12/2007
Msg: 19 | |
| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 7/20/2007 9:21:05 PM | I have read that lving together increases the rate of divorce if you do marry that partner. Maybe that why they leave and find another partner. If you go into the reationship a "trail run" the committment isn't there. They set up the relationship of a set of rules that change once they get married. Often one partner guilt the other into the papers.
Yes, 57% of children are now born out of wedlock. Does that concern anyone? I will have a baby by the sperm donor and then I will find another man to raise it? I don't get this one.
We have always had cohabitation. It was called common law. In England they used to call it fornication under conset of the king... It was leagal to have unmarried set and cohabitate.
Cooomn law went out the window in the 60's when no fault divorce became law. That's when men didn't need a reasontt o leave the wife that put him thru medical school to rum off with someone who fit his new immage.
I am sure it was supposed to make it easieer for abused women to get out ot he marriage, but htat's no usually the case.
But what do I know, I am part of the 52% percent of females living alone. | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 7/20/2007 9:49:43 PM | | I THINK A TRIAL RUN OF COHABITATION IS GOOD BUT INSTANTLY AND THEY SHOULD BE KEEP TWO PLACES TILL MARRIAGE.I THINK A SHORT PERIOD BEFORE MARRIAGE IS GREAT.MEANING 6 MONTHS OR LESS. | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 7/20/2007 11:25:46 PM | Marriage as a contract between a man, a woman and the State is doomed. Marriage, if defined as two people deciding to live under the same roof and share a life that includes children together won't go away in places outside of what we now call the industrial West (US, Canada, Most of Europe and Australia).
My first assertion is based on the fact that for the male third of the marriage contract, it is almost a no win situation. Most older men I know who have been divorced don't want to risk it again after the ex and the courts are done with him. Most younger men aren't willing to risk it because they derive no benefit from entering into a State marriage contract and look to the older men they know and realize they have much to loose. The State marriage license in the U.S.was originally developed as a tool with which to prevent black and white marriages. Later it became a way to keep track of people for taxation purposes. Interesting fact, George and Martha Washington had no marriage license.
My second assertion is based on the fact that in much of the third and second world, the family, clan and/or tribal ties still trump loyalty to the State. Life is hard in those places and having the extended family unit (in all its diverse forms) remain intact helps ensure survival. We in the first world as a general rule do not need a partner even after children are produced. That is not to say that the children themselves do not mature best in two parent homes, but simply the economic reality is such that one person can raise achild thanks to the social welfare net. Of course, having five children from five different men or with five different women is not the best way to go about it, but the socioeconomic reality is well, reality.
So, what does it matter except for a tax break and some insurance benefit if a couple has a piece of the State's paper saying they are legally married? None.
If a person has a religious objection to not being legally "married" then go to a preacher or priest, have a ceremony and enter into the marriage covenant in front of your congregation and God and be done with it. Doesn't God trump the State in such matters? If two people have no religious basis for a "ceremony" and still want one, well have it and get the paper if you want or don't.
JMHO | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 7/21/2007 2:52:13 AM | I don't support cohabitation to be a viable concept in terms of a 'trail marriage". There really is no such thing as "trial marriage" although people like to believe there is. I've been there and done that, as well as married the respective partners and subsequently divorced. The concept, IMO, undermines some basic foundations of marriage such as mutual trust to name one and real commitment to name yet another. However, many people also enter into marriage with the same approach as cohabitation which defies the whole intent of marriage in the first place. The "trial" period preceding marriage is supposed to be that dating period. However, in today's society the concept of marriage has become so perverted that the difference between cohabitation and marriage comes down to dollars and cents. How tragic actually.
IMO, people generally jump in too fast, making such decisions based on the "moment" (infatuation) rather than the "big picture" (love). While there are certainly exceptions, most people fail in their understanding of what defines commitment in terms of love. Marriage is placed on the same level as swapping out a used car for a new one - as is cohabitation in today's mores, with rare exceptions.
For me personally, I do not support cohabitation as an alternative to marriage. I do support marriage as a lifetime commitment. Is it realistic in today's world? Probably not.
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 7/21/2007 3:25:01 AM | | having been married once already - i do not want to do it again. so cohabitation for me would be a better option. even more so - he has his house, i have mine and we cohabitate between the two. | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 7/21/2007 4:17:14 AM |
IMO, people generally jump in too fast, making such decisions based on the "moment" (infatuation) rather than the "big picture" (love). While there are certainly exceptions, most people fail in their understanding of what defines commitment in terms of love. Marriage is placed on the same level as swapping out a used car for a new one - as is cohabitation in today's mores, with rare exceptions.
I agree, I think that "in love" melted chocolate feeling people get when they first meet is nothing more than brain chemicals telling us to reproduce. That is a good way to get started I suppose, but the love part of marriage, I think is actually a decision. I cringe when people say that one cannot help who they love. We cannot sometimes help but be "attracted" to another person but love is ultimately a choice. That is not to say that one cannot decide to terminate a marriage, but I think we do it for reasons that are ultimately about our own "happiness" and discontent at the reality of simply living as opposed to infidelity and physical and emotional abuse. I find it ironic in an age when we ar esupposed to be more free and independent, we rely heavily upon other people and things to make us "happy". I avoid women who ar elooking for the idealized romantic notions of "love". Prince charming is a myth and women who want him ar eliving in lala land for the most part. Men who look for the "perfect"woman as defined by Madison Ave. are equally deluded. | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 7/21/2007 4:23:19 AM | | You can't get divorced if you don't marry. I would encourage people to "co-habitat" for quite awhile before trying to drive a legal battle ax down on their entire sense of life. Relationships are wonderful, obligations you grow to hate, aren't. The truth is, nothing lasts forever, and we all know hearts can change. Some sooner than others even when you've done your very best. | |
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