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| Criticism, please
Posted: 2/22/2006 8:26:24 PM | I am considering giving this to a lady I met a few months ago. However, since I don't recall having ever written a poem before, I don't know if it is good or not.  I'd appreciate any feedback, and please, be honest. It is difficult to hurt my feelings. Thanks in advance.
Scent of wildflowers gently swaying in the summer breeze
vision of a fiery sunset
the years slip away before her gaze
I am young again
feelings long forgotten
excited, yet nervous
in pursuit, not knowing the destination
shall the path lead to flames, or merely wishes?
Regardless
I am the more fortunate for having basked
in her light. | |
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| Criticism, please
Posted: 2/22/2006 8:44:27 PM | I think its absolutely gorgeous.You spoke volumes from your heart in a matter of a few lines.I would definately share this poem with her.  | |
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| Criticism, please
Posted: 2/23/2006 9:40:38 AM | Thanks, I appreciate the feedback. It's good to know that I may not be a total hack.  | |
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| Criticism, please
Posted: 2/23/2006 10:18:47 AM | awwwwwww thats a really sweet peom, but what counts is that like Kat said, its from the heart and its what ya feel!
great!!!!!!
Bubbles | |
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| Criticism, please
Posted: 2/23/2006 10:59:46 AM | I like the sentiment, but the first three lines are imagery while the rest is something else entirely. The line length is erratic, but for reason, it actually makes sense. I wouldn't hesitate to give this to her, but there is a definite problem with the first line: Do wildflowers have a different scent when they are not swaying?
I would play with it a little more to make it more personal from the beginning, and I'd try to make it more cohesive. Also, try not to be redundant; for instance, when is the sun not fiery?
Something like--
My vision of a sunset
of wildflowers swaying in a summer breeze,
All slowed as years slip away
Before her gaze.
Young again, feelings long forgotten . . .
If you begin the poem with the word "my" then you can rid the poem of less poetic phrases such as "I am", since the phrase will then be implied. Also, you would also be saying that the imagery described--a wildflower, a sunset--are her. The third and fourth lines that I played with are ambiguous--and she'll interpret that however she wants to and she can find her own meaning within the lines. Also, I kind of figured that mentioning time slowing would be good, since a sunset--while young--seems to last a long time; and as you get older, they never seem to last long enough; and this works since you obviously feel younger while in her presence.
But if you've never written poetry before, then this is sure as hell a good start. Keep playing with it.
Btw--this is more academic criticism than anything else. She'll enjoy the poem whether you change it or not. | |
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