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 purplemist67
Joined: 2/23/2006
Msg: 1
holding hands on first date?Page 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
I went on a first date with a man I found very attractive, intelligent, mature, compassionate. We met at a coffee shop, stayed for about 15 minutes then decided to go for a walk, which was about 20 minutes-tops. After that we went to a restaurant and talked for about another 15 minutes when he decided to try to hold my hand. I pulled away and said I didn't feel comfortable with that because we just met about half hour earlier. what do you think?
 SteelHawke24
Joined: 2/17/2006
Msg: 2
holding hands on first date?
Posted: 2/24/2006 9:11:33 PM
I've been curious about that very same thing. Is it ok on the first date? Of course it's situational but how do I tell? 'Cuz if I feel the spark with someone I automatically want to hold her hand, especially if we're walking around and our hands keep bumping into each other.
 pnayplayr
Joined: 12/17/2005
Msg: 3
holding hands on first date?
Posted: 2/24/2006 9:16:10 PM
1st, 10th, 20th...100th...whatever you're not comfy with...ya don't have to do it =)
 MDNinja
Joined: 1/9/2005
Msg: 4
holding hands on first date?
Posted: 2/24/2006 9:17:21 PM
Ewe, you hold hands???? Grossssssssssssssss!
 all about laughs
Joined: 4/18/2005
Msg: 5
holding hands on first date?
Posted: 2/24/2006 9:23:47 PM
There is nothing wrong with... closeness can be a cool thing... besides, you can prevent your date from running away...
 Sienna_leigh
Joined: 2/16/2006
Msg: 6
holding hands on first date?
Posted: 2/24/2006 9:33:58 PM
Had you ever met in person prior to this first date?

How did you meet him, through here/the Internet? If so, had you communicated for some time prior to your date? (just wondering if maybe you'd chatted/mailed/talked on the phone for quite some time prior and he felt like he knew you more than most would know one another on a first date).

Regardless though, it seems a bit forward to me - might have been different had you'd spend 3-4 hours together and were clicking really well...but after 30 minutes? Sheesh, at that rate he'll likely be proposing marriage after 2 weeks.

How did he react when you resisted? Was he apologetic? shocked at your response? distant? How did the rest of the date go?

It's possible that he's not very experienced with dating and thought this was something "a guy does" when on a date going for a walk. So hard to say without knowing more info and being able to go back in time and read his mind :0)
 mako28
Joined: 2/23/2006
Msg: 7
holding hands on first date?
Posted: 2/24/2006 9:55:54 PM
maybe my opinion is weird. When a woman will / or wants to hold my hand early on in the date...I read nothing more into it than that she is comfortable. It doesn't mean I have a chance to get lucky, or a second date is in the bag. I'd imagine most men would agree with me. Stop reading into what every little gesture has to mean. I've learned that when you try this...you generally are wrong.
 Electricfreshie
Joined: 1/14/2006
Msg: 8
holding hands on first date?
Posted: 2/24/2006 10:04:24 PM
I don't think I've ever held hands on the first date, although I did have one girl take my arm as we were walking, and that was a really nice feeling. Not too intimate, not too "close", but felt nice she was comfortable with doing that.

Shawn
 who_the_fox
Joined: 4/29/2005
Msg: 9
holding hands on first date?
Posted: 2/24/2006 10:07:45 PM
Might happen....but rarely. I tend to be pretty reserved and I like a lot of SPACE
 hulahoney
Joined: 10/24/2005
Msg: 10
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holding hands on first date?
Posted: 2/24/2006 10:15:25 PM
just feels icky when a guy forces himself before you are ready, even hand holding! if you don't feel right holding his hand, probably won't feel right doing anything else either! ever!!! another thing that is wierd is if a man is holding your hand, then throws it away before someone sees him. pretty good indication things just aren't right...it's usually the little things...
 moffiaprincess
Joined: 7/4/2005
Msg: 11
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holding hands on first date?
Posted: 2/25/2006 1:02:33 AM
i think holding hands is a cute show of affection nothing wrong with that , i love holding hands with someone special !
 Sienna_leigh
Joined: 2/16/2006
Msg: 12
holding hands on first date?
Posted: 2/25/2006 1:38:45 AM
Uh, moffiaprincess - of course it's nice to hold hands with 'someone special' - and we're very glad to know your feelings on the matter - but the original poster explained that this was some guy she'd just met and had only been with for a whopping 30 minutes on this, their first date - surely not enough time to have made him "someone special", I wouldn't think. Thanks for playing, we have some lovely parting gifts for you.
 Bandito
Joined: 11/9/2005
Msg: 13
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holding hands on first date?
Posted: 2/25/2006 8:07:17 AM
Nothing to think about, you didn't feel comfortable...what more is there to understand?

I think its rather selfish of people to be too touchy or feely before you get to know them and some form of trust or affection is built.

Unfortunately the dating guru's promote "touching" as a positive way to develop interest. I think guys latch onto that and find the first excuse to try and hold your hands. Me, I am no dating expert, but I don't like being imposed upon even with hugs from strangers yet alone touching hands. He is still a stranger, even after 30 minutes of being together.

Call me old fashioned, old school or even a retrosexual but everything has its proper place and timing.

Bandito
 blondegreeneyedgal
Joined: 12/19/2005
Msg: 14
holding hands on first date?
Posted: 2/25/2006 9:11:01 AM
if it feels right do it.it just letting the other know you're interested and comfortable being around them
 i_are_nad
Joined: 1/8/2006
Msg: 15
holding hands on first date?
Posted: 2/25/2006 9:29:58 AM
yeah, and a great way to do that is just when you are out for a walk, and you see a store or something, just grab her hand and drag her in! if she lets go, let go, if not, don't. But the hand across the table thing is a little awkward. She sees it coming and thinks, " oh my gawd".
But if you are just walking and come up to something, grab her hand, and pull her in a direction it usualy is a good thing. Unless there is no chemistry and she is staying 5 feet away from you.
 hope2006
Joined: 1/23/2006
Msg: 16
holding hands on first date?
Posted: 2/25/2006 12:42:15 PM
Holding hands is soooooooooo good, with a date, friends, family. It is a simple way to say, I care and I'm comfortable or even I like... You are not doing anything wrong holding hands. It is a simple touch. People should relax more.
 atrkyhntr™
Joined: 12/20/2005
Msg: 17
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holding hands on first date?
Posted: 2/25/2006 1:13:06 PM
You have to go with the flow and you did... WTG

On a 1st date I'll open doors, lead the way, pull out the chair, grab an arm to lead through a crowded area, offer to carry something and always the gentleman... It is just the right thing to do...
I can recall walking with this one woman and we kept slightly bumping which lead to our hands touching and that lead to us holding hands, which I had not done in a long long time... Gezzzzzzzzzus did that have the blood flowing WOW what a feeling!!!

Nothing wrong with holding hands and as long as you and the other person feel comfortable enough to do it then by all mean do!!!
 SKYBOLT
Joined: 4/5/2005
Msg: 18
holding hands on first date?
Posted: 2/25/2006 1:18:49 PM
Sienna leigh... Moffiaprinces was right on. I pass by women who are like chilled fish and nothing like finding that out in the first 15 to 30 minutes. If everything else is going well and there's a strong sense of 'like' between the two then holding hands is just wonderful. If a woman pulled away and didn't want to hold hands...then can you imagine the sort of walls this woman has erected around her that prevents genuine intimacy? Or immediately, she's telling the man... I don't find you particularly attractive or I'm not particularly attracted to you...because if she was then she would simply be delighted to take my hand if I was brave enough to reach out and take hers. I'm not in highschool for crying out loud....I am interested in finding out what I can about the woman as quickly as possible and personal contact is very informative if you're listening. Personally, I like to slip my arm around my date's waist and pull her up close to me as we walk along. I want her to have a sense that I'm assuming possession of her that I like her, that I want her near me. There is nothing sweeter than a woman who takes possession of me and just puts her arm in mine immediately letting people know that I am hers, that she has assumed ownership... and a woman who can do that on the first date...moves to the top of the list. Really, I'm simply not interested in working through a ten foot shell of brick and stone that she has erected )because some other guy or guys have trashed her heart repeatedly) until I reach the inner woman. The woman with forgiveness in her heart is open and is not offended by a show of affection. But....having said all that ... I can sense in about 30 seconds of having met a woman whether or not she's going to want to be a hand holder or not... and one does that by simply taking her hand when you greet her and giving it a sweet little squeeze... and if the response is right then I might bow slightly and kiss her hand. Women are for loving and taking a woman's hand is the first step of showing her that you care about her. I can see that there are plenty of cold fish in this sea by the responses.
 Soul_Mates
Joined: 1/2/2006
Msg: 19
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holding hands on first date?
Posted: 2/25/2006 1:34:37 PM
I think if you are comfy, it's a nice thing. A good way to show that you are comfortable around your date.

Though I'd never initiate it.

But if I am comfy, I usually touch someone in a non-sexual manner.
 SKYBOLT
Joined: 4/5/2005
Msg: 20
holding hands on first date?
Posted: 2/25/2006 1:44:55 PM
Hulahoney.... Well...it might be that the originator of this post was sending the guy signals...she said she found him very attractive, intelligent, mature, compassionate. When you find a person attractive with all those plus qualities...it is pretty hard not to give signals that you very much like that person... then if he acts upon those subtle cues and she pulls back... well, love...she is just not living in the now. She's got issues of betrayal or abandonment or something else (like she has another guy that she's interested in so she can't get to close to someone else that she might just be settling for and so she just isn't comfortable being in the now with her date because, in fact, she's not living in the now. If she's posting and asking for advice or moral support {Really, think about it ...this whole post of hers is because she's seeking consensus} on a thing as straightforward as that then in her inner heart she knows that what she did was inappropriate and wrong...now she's looking for justification so she can feel good about blowing it with that guy. As far as it feeling 'icky' …come on now… really… if there isn't a two way connection it always feels 'icky'. And chances are the guy acted on signals he was getting ....for instance, if her pupils were widening…then she was very much liking the guy and he may not have been looking for something like that in a clinical sense but the cue was there and he may have been acting subconsciously on it and then got rebuffed or shut down. What is 'icky' about this whole story is that they were making a connection and then she got weird. Now she's seeking to be justified by consenses by asking a lot of other messed up women. Of course, they will soothe her soul and she can go on being weird and will continue to delete good guys who come into her life until finally she's forever alone… By the way Hulahoney…you're such gorgeous chick! Yummy…let's hold hands and see what fun we can have!
 atrkyhntr™
Joined: 12/20/2005
Msg: 21
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holding hands on first date?
Posted: 2/25/2006 1:51:08 PM
I fear that SKYBOLT is gonna get spanked...

You do way too much assuming dude...

OP did not feel comfortable what part of that do you not understand...
hmnmnm guess when a women says no she does not mean no??
 Lil Redneck
Joined: 1/28/2006
Msg: 22
holding hands on first date?
Posted: 2/25/2006 1:52:40 PM
Depends on the guy...
 Tomfl51
Joined: 2/20/2006
Msg: 23
holding hands on first date?
Posted: 2/25/2006 2:10:33 PM
Ewe, you hold hands???? Grossssssssssssssss!

LMAO............yeah what's next, a smile?
 Titan4Life
Joined: 2/23/2006
Msg: 24
holding hands on first date?
Posted: 2/25/2006 2:47:29 PM
I think if both are comfy and have the spark, nothing wrong with trying, and if she turns you down with holding the hand, shouldnt take it to heart, continue on being happy, and when the time is right try again, maybe on another date.
 Sienna_leigh
Joined: 2/16/2006
Msg: 25
holding hands on first date?
Posted: 2/25/2006 5:24:59 PM
Skybolt - you're funny.

First off, I'm not a cold fish in the least - I'm VERY affectionate when I'm with someone I like. Just because a woman doesn't necessarily feel comfortable holding hands with someone she barely knows and has only been with for 15-30 minutes, that SURELY doesn't mean she's a cold fish, give me a break. I have absolutely no walls up around me with regard to intimacy but if I just meet a guy for the first time and he reaches for my hand after 30 minutes of being together, I think that's too forward and presumptuous on his part. Everyone is different, and everyone has their own comfort zone and that needs to be respected. I think there's nothing wrong with being a bit "touchy" when you're getting to know someone and want to subtly show them that you're attracted/interested (you touch their arm or hand when speaking, etc) but if I was on a first date with someone and after 30 minutes he wanted to hold my hand, I'd have to fight back the laughter because it would take me back to grade 8 and dealing with an awkward fumbling young boy who's not sure what he's doing -- and after the inner laughter subsided, I'd wonder if the guy was just a bit too aggressive.........if he wants to hold hands after 30 minutes, then surely he must expect to be able to stick his tongue down my throat when we say goodnight - which ain't gonna fly with me, as a rule. What's the rush to show affection with someone you don't know? How can you know someone well enough after 30 minutes? Sure, you can be smitten based purely on physical attraction but it can't go much deeper than that - and I myself need more than someone's looks to attract me, and I prefer guys who are of the same mindset.

I have known a lot of guys who weren't initially very affectionate, they were more the shy type - so based on your line of thinking I should have just automatically assumed they were cold fish with intimacy issues and wrote them off?

People - this isn't about a gal who's been on a few dates with a guy - she'd only spent 30 minutes with him. Some people seem to be glossing over that fact as evidenced by their responses. By the way, who are any of us to impose our opennness with affection on anyone? I am a touch-feely affectionate person but I fully realize that not everyone is so wouldn't it be fairly rude and presumptuous of me to expect someone I'm getting to know to appreciate my touchy-feely-ness? We're not all a bunch of clones, we all have different backgrounds and experiences - some were raised in homes with lots of affection and love and others weren't - some people are outgoing in showing their affection, some are shy. Let's not forget that.
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