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| heard this one
Posted: 2/25/2006 5:10:20 AM | The Sister
People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly Satan
appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started
screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a
frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly
gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious
to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know
who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Aren't you afraid of me? Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't" said the man
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute", returned the old man, in an
eve tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying
AGONY for all eternity?"
"Yep", was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan
"Nope", said the old man.
More than a l ittle perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't
you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 45
years." | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 2/25/2006 5:10:59 AM | ULTIMATE FEMALE JOKE
It has long been contended that there are male
jokes and there are female jokes, and there are unisex
jokes. Here is a joke I consider a true female joke. I
offer it to you in the hopes that women will love it
and men will pass it along to a woman who will love
it.
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after
work****ail with her girlfriends when an
exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy,
middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the
woman could not take her eyes off him.
The young-at-heart man noticed her overly
attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As
all men will.)
Before she could offer her apologies for staring
so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll
do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to
do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......on one
condition."
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition
was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you
want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment,
and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse,
which she pressed into the man's hand along with her
address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly
and meaningfully said....
"Clean my house." | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 2/25/2006 5:11:25 AM | Definition of ugly
An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.
The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins"?
The woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7.
Why? Do you think they look alike?"
"No", he replies "I just can't believe you got laid twice"! | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 2/25/2006 5:12:41 AM | Men are so Stupid
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely
wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol &
Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was
our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little
so mething extra for my wife Toni. What I came across
was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The
effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived,
with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant,
allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....
WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought
it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn
thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the
same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity
darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that
burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,
thinking to myself that it couldn't be a ll that bad
with only two triple-a batteries,... right?!!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking
on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading
the directions and thinking that I really needed to
try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I
must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a
fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is
such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this
thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger,
I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top
with my reading glasses perched delicately on the
bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in
another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a t wo-second
burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major
loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground
like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three
seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device
measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two
itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself,
"no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description,
but I'll do my best.....I'm sitting there alone,
Gracie looking on with her head****d to one side as
to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a
one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing
couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to give
myself a one-second burst just fo r the heck of it. I
touched the prongs
to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER,
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the
side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body
slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over
again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking
wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the
oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was
standing over me making meowing sounds I had never
heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to
herself, "do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself
with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such
thing as a one-seco nd burst when you zap yourself.
You will not let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about
on the floor. A three second burst would be
considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-.... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so
later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing
at that point), collected my wits (what little I had
left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent
reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh
and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt
like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom
lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my
testiclesâ?¦I'm offering a significant reward for
their safe return.
Still in shock,
Stupid | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 2/25/2006 5:13:08 AM | It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and the Amazing
Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see
the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced,
"Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be
put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of
the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a
very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,
light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes
followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's
fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
......... ...."SHIT!" said the Hypnotist .............
IT TOOK THREE DAYS TO CLEAN UP THE SENIOR CENTER!! | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 2/25/2006 5:13:30 AM | THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror
complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of
characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes
up with a
suggestion.. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a
piece of
toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and
stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long
will this take?" I asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.
I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet
paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the
years?"
Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may
even walk again.
Stupid, stupid man. | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 2/25/2006 5:14:11 AM | A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
“Breast fed,” the woman replied.
“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Motioning for her to get dressed he said, “No wonder this baby is under weight! You don’t have any milk.”
“I know,” she said, “I’m his grandmother, but I’m glad I came.” | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 2/26/2006 6:44:29 AM | thanks for the chuckle.. an enjoyable read this morning over my coffee. | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 2/26/2006 6:49:36 AM | thought I would share this one with you...
WalMart Customer Service
Sally went to a Wal-Mart service counter and tells the clerk she wants
a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work.
The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she boughtit on “special sale."
Suddenly, Sally throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming!
"PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!!"
A crowd is beginning to form. The manager is called.
He asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?" Sally explained the problem with the
toaster, and he repeats that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Once again, Sally throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming,
"PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!" And ! doing so draws an even bigger crowd.
In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?
In a huff, Sally says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN
I'M GETTING SCREWED!"
The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded.
Blush | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 2/26/2006 7:39:43 AM | | i will never return an item ever again without remember that joke.. lol | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 3/6/2006 4:22:29 PM | A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of
those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job. The
manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start
tomorrow.
I’ll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After
the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went.
"How many sales did you
make today?"
The young man replied without hesitating, "One."
The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales
a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid said, "$101,237.64."
The boss said, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!"
the kid said, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold
him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I
sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going
fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a
boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that
twin-engine Chris Craf t. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda
Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the
automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Blazer."
Amazed, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy
a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?"
"No, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I
said, 'Well, your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing.'" | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 3/8/2006 5:03:21 AM | Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married!.
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told
my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the
hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the
door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when
totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNITE!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him
"Midnight"! . He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that
one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why?, h e said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said, "Oh. sh#@.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's
throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then
tripped over the coffee table and farted." | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 3/8/2006 5:09:04 AM | Mens rules - the other side of the story
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down.
Finally, the
guys' side of the story.
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are
the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these
are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat! You're a big girl. If it's up,
put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us
complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides.Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think
of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question. >>
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a
doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress! like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't
expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of
the ways mak es you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want
it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just
do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do
we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach,for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a
fruit. We have NO Idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing," we will act
like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth
the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine ... Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are
prepared to discuss such topics as sports, the weather, or hunting.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for readin g this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on
the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that?
It's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger
laugh. | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 3/8/2006 5:12:21 AM | A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a
walk around the block?"
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I
take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said
the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the
dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you
can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round
the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no
dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where 's Belle?"
(YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!! )
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down
the block,so another dog is pushing her home." | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 3/8/2006 7:48:17 PM | men are stupid was sooo worth the read!!!!!! I have not laughed that hard in a really, really long time..I'm still laughing as I write this. Thanks for making my day | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 3/8/2006 8:15:55 PM | | HILARIOUS!!!! all the jokes were funny but the last one made me laugh so hard I have to go pee now. THANKS, I need a good laugh!!! | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 3/8/2006 8:44:56 PM | OMG!
Men are stupid!
Freaking hilarious.. .. I had tears streaming down my face!!!
I almost pissed my pants!
 | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 3/9/2006 5:29:01 AM | If you want your other half to listen to everything you say "talk in your sleep"
Tony. | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 3/15/2006 4:55:50 AM | BIG SCAM TAKING PLACE LOCALLY
BE WARNED!
I don't know if you shop at WALMART, but this may be useful to
know. I am posting this to warn you of something that happened to
me, as I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
This happened to me at WALMART in North Carolina and it could
happen to you.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car
as you are packing your shopping in the trunk. They both start wiping your
windsheild with a rag and Windex, with their breasts falling out
of their skimpy tank tops. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip,they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to the other WALMART
in town.
You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start
having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat
and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday,
again on Saturday, and also yesterday.
hehehehe.. | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 3/15/2006 6:13:55 AM | | Now you are only to get a bunch of men running to walmart in NC....lmao...to get their wallets stolen too! | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 3/16/2006 4:47:02 AM | Oil Change
Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00
==========================================================
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.
Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total - - $4,165.00
But you know the job was done right! | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 3/16/2006 4:48:34 AM | The First Blonde Guy Joke
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blond Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time! I'm going to jump off, too."
The blond opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blond guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how reall! Y tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
(Oh this is GOOD!!)?
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blond's wife said,
"Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch." | |
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