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| Showing an adult child the door...
Posted: 2/28/2006 12:24:54 AM | I had to....let's see.....what will be the appropriate verbiage to use here, move my son out of the house when he was ready. (or not ready but needed to learn that on his own). It was not an easy task but it was extremely beneficial.
I started by taking him out and looking at places...I really didn't give him an option of not finding one. Once an affordable place was found I certainly helped out with household stuff as did his boss at work. He lived there for around 3 months before he came back to pay me money to sleep on my couch. It was a necessary experience in his transition to manhood.
One conversation we had while looking around, he was quite distraught and telling me how horrible it was that I was kicking him out. I said I am not kicking you out and then referenced how when our cat had kittens and they got to a certain age she chased them away......that was what was happening with us.
To ease your pain, not sure the details of your own story, that was 10 years ago. He is married, owns his own home, has a beautiful son and is doing fantastic in his life.
There is much we have to go through in the transition from child to adult, it is painful for kids and for parents. It was not always easy for me and I am fortunate and blessed that we all got through it unscathed!!
Good luck with your journey! | |
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| Showing an adult child the door...
Posted: 2/28/2006 6:55:54 PM | | I have a daughter that I had to do this with. If she trys to move back in now, we'd be crowded, I got a small apartment just so that she cant. Its hard, but you have to let them grow up. | |
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| Showing an adult child the door...
Posted: 3/1/2006 2:07:31 AM | I'm coming to this point right now. I have a 21 year old son living with me as well as his 19 year old girlfriend. It's been this way for over a year and really getting on my nerves as well as the nerves of my 15 year old son.
They were supposed to save for thier own apartment but spent that money on a computer and now spend all thier time playing Everquest online. | |
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| Showing an adult child the door...
Posted: 6/13/2006 1:42:29 PM | U want fries wid dat......Showing an adult child the door..............I never had to kick one of my kids out the door...however...I did have a husband who told me .."either your son goes or I go".........and another one bites the dust...........That marriage lasted two weeks.....LMAO | |
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| Showing an adult child the door...
Posted: 6/13/2006 3:08:26 PM | Anybody on here ever had to kick one of your kids out of the house?
I've never done it, but there was a time when my kids lived at home and we seemed to be going thru shampoo, toilet paper and washing up powder at an unbelievable rate.
My ex had it figured out and came home early one day to find my daughter and half the kids in her class all at various stages of undress in the house. One was taking a shower and the washer and dryer were both churning away. My ex stopped the washer and dryer, took the clothes out and threw them at the kids with the order to get out!
My daughter said if they go, I go.
My ex said "Fine - go!"
Which she did.
He felt awful about it afterwards, but I had to agree with his attitude at the time.
There are always rules for kids in any household, and we always maintained if the kids didn't like the rules they could move out. | |
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| Showing an adult child the door...
Posted: 6/13/2006 6:48:00 PM | My son had issues with household rules at an early age, thought living with his dad might be good plan, soon found out it was very much same as my home, he lived in a barn for many months etc, came back home at about age 23.
He left again to live with his then GF, soon enough child number one was on the way...a year later number two..with lots of maternity/paternity leave etc,,,soon enough I came home to find him moving back into the house, I agreed to help out for a while, after paternity leave was over and both back working full time..I gave them 3 months.
I was off work 7 weeks for surgery and the constant diet on one/both adults and two boys under age two...was the real deal breaker...they are out end of month....I will miss the boys, but dream about life alone again.....yipppeeeee | |
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| Showing an adult child the door...
Posted: 6/13/2006 7:13:38 PM | I had to do the “tuff love” with one of the two stepdaughters. I got them at 5&7. The older one (almost 18 at the time) was running with some dork in some band and got to thinking her poop did not stink. She turned 18 and got a big fat tude. She started trying to run the house. She was giving her mom a big wad of disrespect and I had to put my foot down.
She keep saying her and some gal had an apartment - she was moving out in 11 days - I told her NOPE - you or me are going to move out NOW.
Her mom (my ex wife) knew that letting a kid run the place was not a good idea so - she backed me up. If she had not have - me and her would have had a BIG problem. In the meantime my in-laws were siding with the 18 yo over their own daughter. That fried my azz big time. Their daughter - the girl's mom was a perfect mom in every way. I had been married at that point for 11 years - liked her dad pretty well but ......... after all that there was no more in-laws and me. Siding with an 18 yo out of control kid over their own daughter was more than I could take. Their deal was “it is just a phase” - yeah right.
The kid later told her mom that I was right - but she never told her grandparents that.
Both the girls (esp the younger one - now 25) still consider me dad and I’ve been divorced from their mom for three years. The one that went stupid the day she turned 18 is 27 now - married to a good guy and just had her 2nd little girl.
We are not doing the kid any good by not standing our ground. They just can not be allowed to run the house or be disrespectful to their parents.
Their mom not only allowed me to be the man of the house - she wanted me to be. Because everyone knew the pecking order - it all worked pretty good.
I would advice anyone with kids to either NOT get married or 100% allow the other person to be the dad or mom of the house. It simply will not work any other way. | |
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yna6
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Joined: 5/2/2004
Msg: 9 | |
| Showing an adult child the door...
Posted: 6/14/2006 2:13:06 PM | | In this day and age it is hard to give kids the boot. But, they have to respect the rules, and help out. If not, then time to wave bye-bye, and let them find out what it really is like. | |
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| Showing an adult child the door...
Posted: 6/14/2006 2:38:56 PM | I have a 24 yr old son that I no longer speak to.
He'd had a history of drug abuse. Last year around this time he decided he wanted to clean up his act. I found him a doctor and helped him out financially and emotionally. He and his g/f have a child together. He got clean, was working and eventually moved the child in with us claiming that the ex-g/f was doing drugs and not capable of parenting.
Fast forward a few months and he's verbally and emotionally abusing me, playing his brother against me, breaking things in my house. And never giving me money towards bills.
In the state of Florida I could not just kick him out by changing the locks. I'd have to treat him like a tenant and evict him. This process could take months. I was losing my mind.
So....I filed a restraining order against him and he was escorted out by the sheriff. He didn't see it coming. Moron.
A few weeks ago he sent me an email begging me for help. He owned up and confessed that he'd been doing drugs again since January. That's almost 5 months of the hell he'd been putting me through. My resolve to stay away from him only intensified. I told him I didn't want to hear another word from him until he got his act together.
Somtimes you just have to kick them to the curb for them to grow up. | |
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| Showing an adult child the door...
Posted: 6/15/2006 6:10:04 AM | | In two months my son will 18 ... guess what? Good kid but there are full moons when he displays crackish behavior and I remind him that the dorm would gladly accept a check, cash or Visa ..now act like you know | |
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Ainsel
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Joined: 2/20/2005
Msg: 12 | |
| Showing an adult child the door...
Posted: 6/15/2006 8:41:49 AM | I didn't 'evict' the last of my babies but I did run away from home
No, seriously I did. My youngest had threatened to leave home as soon as he graduated, so I took him at his word. I put the house on the market that spring and set up a closing date for after graduation. I signed his lease on an apartment for him and his best buddy, furnished it with everything down to the toilet paper. Well, except for the cast iron skillet he wanted...lol. What neither of us wanted or needed got sold or sent to Goodwill.
And then I left town!!
He had a pretty hard time of it for a couple of years but admitted later that it was the best thing that could have happened to him. He thanks me for it now and in one frank moment admitted that he would have still been lazing on the sofa and sponging off of me.
Sometimes, just like a momma bird you have to give them a little shove out of the nest so that they learn to fly on their own.
Be as gentle as you can but be firm | |
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| Showing an adult child the door...
Posted: 6/15/2006 2:40:57 PM | ^^^
I have heard of other folks doing similar things... Like as soon as kids are out, selling the family home and buying a retirement home, or a place too small to accomodate any more than 2 people. There is some wisdom to that because there are an awful lot of young people who would rather live off mom and dad than doing the work needed to put a roof over their head. | |
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| Showing an adult child the door...
Posted: 6/15/2006 3:25:04 PM | I am at a wits end with my 20 yr old I gave him the option to pay me so much money a week or move out.. well since I am divorced and the ex and I doooooooooo NOT get along he went crying to his dad, lo an behold I get this call stating that ..He is paying child support so his child should not have to pay me anything ... well before I could speak my side of why I was charging our son he(the ex) told me if I charge his son" rent" then he will stop the child support and get it reduced to support the 16 yr old ..
I was Livid!!!!! well needless to say the relationship between the 20 yr old and myself is way out of whack we dont speak unless needed I always told my children that as long as I live they will always have somewhere to live if needed but at the same time they need to learn to grow up and be independant.. so I told my son since he went crying to his dad the day he turns 21 he is to be moved out plain an simple ..was I wrong? am I wrong? I hate not having good relations with my children.. ...
aaaarrrrrrrgggggggg whats a mom to do ?????? advice good or bad will be greatly appreciated
creamy | |
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| Showing an adult child the door...
Posted: 6/15/2006 9:48:35 PM | | I had to do it and it was one of the most difficult decisions I had to make. As much as we love each other we are like felix and oscar in the odd couple and were constantly bickering, bring out the worse in each other. It was time for her to spread her wings and experience life. She got her own apartment in March. She has been scrapping by and was fired from her job a couple of days ago. My natural inclination is to want to go and rescue her, but she needs to learn the responsibilities of adulthood.She Called me recently and said she was homesick and missed being the kid with no responsibilities, She Admitted adulthood was harder then she thought. My own mother thinks I am terrible for asking my daughter to leave. My brother lived with her well into his fourties. She made my brother into a dysfunctional adult. Tough love is sometimes the greatest love at all. | |
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| Showing an adult child the door...
Posted: 6/16/2006 7:32:05 AM |
I did run away from home
I hear ya Ainsel - Erma Bombeck recommended this approach, and she also said not to give them a forwarding address | |
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| Showing an adult child the door...
Posted: 6/16/2006 10:29:40 AM | | I only hope I am never faced with that decision. My daughter will be 18 soon and a senior in high school. She plans to go to college but I know how life can take your plans somewhere else. | |
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| Showing an adult child the door...
Posted: 6/16/2006 10:37:00 AM | Yes I have, when my two oldest daughters were in their late teens, I put them into foster homes because I could not deal with the issues that they were dealing with. There are some things that we just cannot take for to long in our lives and our homes.
Today, they thank me for doing this because it gave them the knowledge that they have now to be happy and productive adults with lives that are far better for the experience.
Sometimes, we have to do what we have to do for all to make it better in life. | |
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| Showing an adult child the door...
Posted: 7/25/2006 11:15:46 AM | | Creamykisses, I always told mine that as long as they were in school they were welcome to live at home for free, but when they got out of school it was time to go. So when my son got out of HS, he layed around all summer and did nothing, didnt mow the yard, didnt take out the trash, didnt clean up his room, didnt do any laundry,, so when September came and I asked him if he had registered for college, he said no, that he was going to wait until next year, I gently, but firmly, told him that in that case next month his rent would be $200 per month or he could pack his s**T and get out. Next month came, he didnt have a job or a class so I packed all his s**t in plastic garbage bags and put them out by the trash and changed the locks on the doors. He lived under a bridge for about three months, gave him time to reflect, and so he found a college that would pay his tuition and room and board if he was employed by the school. He now is married with a child, his wonderful wife is a school teacher, and he is attending college going after his RN degree. Sometimes tuff love works. Oh, and two years ago on Father's Day he called me and thanked me. | |
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| Showing an adult child the door...
Posted: 7/25/2006 11:23:36 AM | Someone once said..."nothing is so wonderful as when the last one leaves the nest...and it Sticks"
I have 5 adult kids, and did not encounter the problem with four of them...the 5th, however, was a rebel...would get mad..move out....move back in....etc.
Each time she moved back in, we restated the house rules...but within a month or so, it was war again. After a while, she decided live by the rules long enough to get her life together....and it worked that time.
As Ron said....tuff love....sometimes you find out how much you care by having to fight with them for something that is in their best interest. | |
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| Showing an adult child the door...
Posted: 7/25/2006 12:26:12 PM | I have heard of other folks doing similar things... Like as soon as kids are out, selling the family home and buying a retirement home
I've heard of folks doing that too - and they don't give the kids a forwarding address!! | |
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| Showing an adult child the door...
Posted: 7/25/2006 1:59:42 PM | My son came home in May from his first year of college with quite an attitude. One day I sat him down and asked him what were 3 benifits to me to have him living here. He started rambling off food, shelter, etc and I stopped him and said not benifits to YOU benifits to ME. He stopped and thought and thought and then thought some more. Finally, he said I guess there are none. I told him that better change or he would not have a home here next summer. It made him think and his attitude did improve around here I guess as much as I can expect from an 18 year old but it certainly worked better than our usual argueing.  | |
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| Showing an adult child the door...
Posted: 7/25/2006 4:16:15 PM | As I,m reading all of these, I now feel that I,m not alone in all of this. It make,s me feel , and I dont want to use the word better, but better will do. My 2 older son,s dont speak to me, because I have a boyfriend, so out of 5 children, 2 are what I have left. But I really feel less tension, and now that she,s out, I,m not letting her back in. I,m so glad you brought this up, and at just the right time. Mabey my husband who passed away 2yrs in Aug, is trying to tell me something, that I did the right thing, and your not alone . Thanks, but also I want to say I,m sorry for all the parents that are having a hard time with it.  Lisa   | |
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| Showing an adult child the door...
Posted: 7/25/2006 10:20:47 PM | | I never had a problem with my son's moving out when they came of age. They are now both in their early 30,s with families of their own. The only problem I have and have had for several years is whenever they get in a difficult financial situation,geuss who they call asking for money? I wouldn't even mind that so bad if they would make an effort to pay a little back when they are able. But after several years and several thousand dollars, I've yet to see one red cent. | |
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