| Why do I feel like this??
Posted: 3/5/2006 7:34:29 AM | Well, to make a long story shorter, I have een in a relationship with a man for 3 years and I have tried so hard to make things work. I have forgiven him for cheating (and having a child from that cheating), lying, and moving in and out of my house.
He moved in with me in January and last night was the third time in two months he didn't come home. When I try to talk to him he tells me that he will spend the night with his other child whenever the urge hits him.
We have one child together and I have other children, and I was thinking that I do not want my girls to think the way my relationship is with this man is the right way, so I have thought of telling him to leave anyway and since he didn't come home again last night it was good timing.
Well, he came home at 8:30 this morning (and he left at 9:30 yesterday morning, no phone call or anything) and I told him to give me my keys and take his shit with him when he left today and he did and said he wouldnt come here again or call anymore and left.
So, why do I already feel like shit even though I know in my heart he was not good for me? Why do I miss him already and I am the one who told him to leave? How am I going to get over him? How can I feel happy that I am alone now? Why does my house feel so empty and dead without him even though he was a lying cheat??? | |
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| Why do I feel like this??
Posted: 3/5/2006 8:04:32 AM | Because you're grieving. Grieving the end of abuse, and instability and cheating and dis respect. But it may be all you know, it may be your history, I don't know, so you're missing the only thing that you've ever known.
I wish you had good memories, of good times with a good man, to keep your strong and get through today, tomorrow and the days to come...until one day, you wake up, the sky is blue, the birds are singing and you just know that you'll be o.k. again and that life is better than you even imagined.. I wish you that. | |
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| RE: Why do I feel like this??
Posted: 3/5/2006 8:30:30 AM | | Here's the deal. Until you start valuing yourself, noone else is going to do it for you. When I look for a woman the things I look for are confidence and self fulfillment. If a woman is not confident and happy in who she is, she is just going to drive me nuts. And, it doesn't matter how physically attractive that woman may or may not be. Also, your problem might not be love. To be totally honest, if the man you lived with before treated you this way, you never had love in the first place. You had sex and lust, and the difference is the loneliness that one leaves and the happiness that the other brings to both parties. Let love find you, and as for the loneliness that you feel I think community can take care of that problem. Find a group of people that share similar interests to you. Or, get your children involved in something that will be fun for them. Other parents often frequent these events and interact with their children and other parents. Getting involved with other people is the key to killing loneliness. Looking for love amongst other people who are looking for love will only bring a continuoum (not sure if I spelled that right) of other problems. Eventually it will feel like you're stuck in a love cycle. I recently moved 800+ miles away from my home and family for work, and I felt lonely too as I am unmarried and none of my friends or family really wanted to reloacate to keep me company. Actively seeking community opportunities has helped me adjust to this new life. Some things that have worked for me are getting involved in a church, taking martial arts classes (or any classes for that matter), and volunteering in the community. I hope this helps a little. | |
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| RE: Why do I feel like this??
Posted: 3/5/2006 8:47:38 AM | | Thanks for your replies: I have NEVER told him to leave and it seems as if I am crazy to feel this way now- your replies make sense and I thank you for taking the time to write them | |
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| Why do I feel like this??
Posted: 3/5/2006 11:32:14 AM | Congrats on finally putting your foot down. Nobody should allow themselves to be walked over like this. Don't think of this as a loss. Thing of this as a new beginning. Losing this idiot was the best thing that has ever happened to you, and your children.
Good luck. | |
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| Why do I feel like this??
Posted: 3/5/2006 12:00:37 PM | | Yep, it's is grief..... got to go through all the steps just like he died.... probably would be easier for you if he had. Seeing him around and thinking about who he is with just rips you open........ funny thing is that you will look in the mirror one morning; just a glance as you walk by, and you will have to stop. You will notice that you don't look so tired anymore, you look like you have a bit of sparkle there. Then you will think about just how attractive you really are and what a snot he was. Yes, you will still, from time to time, think the negative about what he is doing, but it does lessen. You will understand that you are so much better off that he is gone and that you have so very much to offer a good man. Keep your chin up... life is going to get better. You found us. | |
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| RE: Why do I feel like this??
Posted: 3/5/2006 12:21:40 PM | | I just recently within the last 2 months went through a bad break up. Here is the story when he met me I was as fragile and insecure as they come. My kids father had just left me after being in a very abusive relationship so I was very vulnerable. So i partied alot to try to ease the pain of what I had been through. He ended up going to my parents to tell them I was out of control. So 21/2 years went by meanwhile I completely changed, got a new house, new job started real estate school. Went on a diet lost 25lbs and was doing it all for us. To give us a better life. He never wanted any kind of commitment he never has with anyone. He had his house I had mine. So I gave him an altematum (Unsure if spelled right). No response. This was after Christmas. About a month went by and I was not feeling well so i went to the doctors sure enough they tell me I am 5 months pregnant. So I debate to tell him I finally got up enough and drove over to his house. He was there having dinner with some girl. Anyway he contacted me and wanted to tell me that he was not ready to be a father. And he would pay as much money as possible to get rid of it. He called me everyday to help me for about 2 weeks and of course he was continuing to talk to her. I was obviously so emotional I wasn' t taking very good care of myself at all. I lost a baby girl on 1/28/06 her name was Laya she looked just like him same hands and ears she was beautiful.He dissapeared. Never called, never came to the hospital nothing. I recieved the death certificate and I called him he never responded and still hasn't. I cry everyday when I wake up and everynight when I go to bed. I wrote him letters I e-mailed him. I even called him crying. No response. He walked away and I am left. But on a good note I just started back to the gym. I lost alot of weight since then.And the feeling never goes away that lonliness. I go out and wonder if people see right through me and If i ever see him I would probaly just walk away.He is not worth it even though it hurts more than anyone can imagine. I still want to call and I still want to go over but I don't because begging someone is not going to make me feel better because I couldn't possibly feel any worse. Any Advice for me | |
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| RE: Why do I feel like this??
Posted: 3/5/2006 1:06:07 PM | First you are doing the right thing by getting on POF. I've been having some doubts about leaving my ex and the advice here and reading other people's experiences have helped. Some stories here just break my heart!
For the most part I've seen some genuine kindness and understanding here and some good advice. You might even email someone that might give some insight and when you are in a better frame of mind turn around and give some help. Because you will get there. Good luck and take care of yourself (eat right, exercise, keep a journal). | |
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| RE: Why do I feel like this??
Posted: 3/5/2006 5:01:20 PM | Wow bobbi;
that man just stomped on your self esteem, didn't he? You are lovely young woman and I can say with extreme confidence that you will not be lonley or confused for long. If that man could walk away from someone not just lovely, but so loving as you, it is his loss and you are well rid of him.
Hang in there. A lot of us have been in different forms of abusive relationships and like some of the others are telling you, these forums are a great place to get advice and support. | |
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dlrp
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Joined: 2/22/2006
Msg: 10 | |
| Why do I feel like this??
Posted: 3/5/2006 5:28:09 PM | http://www.thework.com/index.asp
Buy the book . . . read it . . . start using this method . . . and move on.
Book called "loving what is . . . by Bryon Katie"
Good luck. | |
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| RE: Why do I feel like this??
Posted: 3/5/2006 5:32:32 PM | confuzed... who cares why you feel this way...
i fought in court for 2 years and lost everything to get my daughte and now when i have to cook, clean, deal with the tantrums - i don't like the way it 'feels'. Also the loneliness is a bit much. Forget about the feelings and follow the path you know to be right.
aloha
do it for the kids - they will follow your lead... | |
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| Why do I feel like this??
Posted: 3/5/2006 5:34:43 PM | ^^That's good advice there...reading helped me thru alot of tough times and it will help take your mind off of him for a while...hopefully a LONG while  | |
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| RE: Why do I feel like this??
Posted: 3/5/2006 5:36:53 PM | | This may be the wrong thread to reply to but just last night I was stood up after waiting til well after 1 in the morning. Last words I heard from his mouth is "I love you" and haven't heard from him since. I want to know how the men can live with themselves after lying time and time again and throwing the blame on the woman. Wonder if they feel any guilt or remorese over treating a good woman like trash. Do they even have a conscience? I am a peaceful person and can't see how anyone could live with themselves full knowing they lie and deceive. I'm told all men are like that and that they don't have a conscience. Hate to think of all men as that way but that's what I'm told. Makes me want to go back into my cacoon. It hurts too much. When I think I'm through crying more tears comes up and the only thing I'm guilty of is trying to please despite how badly I was treated. How does one gain their self respect back and forget it ever happened. After leaving the same thing 12 years ago I swore I wouldn't go through it again and I did. How can men do women this way with no guilt?????? Damn it.....it really hurts. Girls if you run into a guy who tells you he's looking for a wife and wants to marry you right away....you run. If he tells you he's been single for 8 yrs when it's only been three....run. If he tells you he's a shop manager of 12 Meineke Car Centers .....run. It's only one car center. I guess I was too lonely and believed even the most obvious things. I'd like to think they felt some guilt. Probably not. | |
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| Why do I feel like this??
Posted: 3/5/2006 5:38:39 PM | | I was saying that drlp gave good advice, not the sam whatever who told you to forget your feelings as if it were that easy! | |
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| RE: Why do I feel like this??
Posted: 3/5/2006 5:56:12 PM | Well, Karen566, change the gender on your question then answer it from my perspective? Same story, different gender!!!
its not the a male/female issue, its an individual personality issue. | |
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| RE: Why do I feel like this??
Posted: 3/5/2006 6:46:43 PM | | You're right mythbuster. No matter what gender how can people misuse others and not feel remorse or do they? I don't understand. Been away from that kind of stuff for years and swore I'd never go through it again and did. Maybe I need to get a cuddle blanket too. | |
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| RE: Why do I feel like this??
Posted: 3/5/2006 6:55:46 PM | | I am so sorry that this has happened to you Karen. Do what you have to do to get through this. Paint walls, pull up carpets, bang on the wall..... then let yourself have an hour every few days where you can "have a pout". Cry, rant, and rave. Bang pots, clean like a demon. People told me that you have to get rid of the old things (even if they were not the other persons) and only then could a void be created so that new things could come into your life. Ok, sounds corny but it works. Man did I feel better after I started throwing out things that I never really liked but got because my ex liked it. Change your bed spread if you can do nothing else. Something so totally not you at this moment. Sleep under it. Make it a symbol of who you want to be. Anything is possible. Every time you get that horrible feeling in your gut, wondering what he is doing, who he is with.... scream CANCELLLLLL. Yes, people may think you are a bit strange if you do it in public, but car windows do wonders! lol. Be well girl and give yourself time. Decide on who you want to be in one year and set up a plan to get there. This is for you also Bobbi. | |
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| RE: Why do I feel like this??
Posted: 3/5/2006 8:54:26 PM | | Thealee is right. In the two months after my ex left I completely remodelled my kitchen (floors, walls, false ceiling). It was something I had been meaning to do but was so easy to put off. It gave me a an outlet which would have been wasted on anger otherwise. | |
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| Why do I feel like this??
Posted: 3/28/2006 7:26:59 AM | Ok, I need advice again. What I think I left out of my original post was that I have given this man many, many chances to change and be faithful which is what is making things harder for me this time that I really want to move on.
It took this man 2 weeks after this original post to call and check on his son, and this past week has made my life a living hell and an emotional basket case.
The first two weeks were pretty easy because I stayed busy, rearranged furniture, hung out with friends (one of them is a male friend) and just didn't allow myself to think about missing him too much.
When he wanted to see the baby, I let him and I put up the baby gate in the living room and stayed busy in the kitchen. Before he left, he started talking about how much he misses me, loves me, made such a big mistake, wants to marry me, etc. Then, when someone told him I went out with my male friend, he calls to tell me the I am a whore, and he is going to take me to court to take my baby away, then 30 min later he shows up at my house and loves me and wants to come back home.
I am not trying to keep him from our baby, so I have told him he can see the baby on Wednesday evenings and all day Sunday, but thats not good enough for his a$$ and get this, he don't even pay child support or even buy diapers!!
He is living with the bit** he cheated on me with and has her on his cell phone answering machine and had the nerve to tell me I am the only whore he knows because she wouldn't go out with a man that soon. Maybe I am a whore but I only went out with this man who I have known for years to get my mind off of him. We are only friends.
So, what do I do now?? If I refuse to talk to him on the phone, he comes to the house. He hates me one minute and wants to move back in and marry me the next.. see why I am confuzed | |
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| Why do I feel like this??
Posted: 3/28/2006 7:01:08 PM | | I kept going back to a jerk for over a year when it should have ended a long time ago... It is probably the worst feeling of my life but its going to pass and he wont be there to prolong my miserey. Yes it sucks right now but once you go through it then it cant bother you anymore. Dont let him back...dont ever let him back again. Do not accept this garbage from someone who is supposed to love you adn waste your life on someone who will leave in the end. Believe me its hard but youll find someone else and he will regret the day he did this to you i promies you that....just dont take him back and realize that its okay to feel like crap now, it will pass. | |
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| Why do I feel like this??
Posted: 3/28/2006 7:09:04 PM | | The dead beat loser doesnt pay child support and does nothing but demean you and disrespect you. First of all...tell him that every conversation you have is being recorded and that if he talks to you in that demeaning manner its only going to look bad in front of any court for him. Tell him your rules are two days a week UNTIL he starts paying child support and if he honestly doesnt respect yoru oppinions at all then tell him to get a lawyer cause you dont need to deal with his abuse anymore. MOVE ON..get rid of the trash and make him respect you. I wouldnt let my babies father talk to me like that what so ever, and if it came down to me not even seeing the guy and him having to get visitations through a court order then so be it. Just caues he is the father of your kid doesnt mean he can act like a complete ass becuase of it. Tell him your not giving him visitation in your home with your child either until he can talk to you civily..your child doesnt need to be around someone calling you down cause your kids going to learn to treat you the same way too...if hes going to be this toxic then make it clear hes going to have to go through the court. | |
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| Why do I feel like this??
Posted: 3/28/2006 7:24:10 PM | | Wow - looks like I wrote this, yet I didn't - I'm in personall hell right now - exactly same thing | |
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| Why do I feel like this??
Posted: 3/29/2006 9:52:22 AM | Thank you, I thought I was being pretty reasonable to let him see his child twice a week even though he doesn't help support him but just wanted to get other's opinions since I have a track record of making extremely bad decisions.
Yes, I still love him (why? cause I am crazy) but know I deserve better. It kind of fels like an addiction instead of real love and breaking it off completely is really hard, but so far I am doing pretty good.
Thanks for all the support here | |
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