| Do you think he will get 50% joint custody?
Posted: 3/5/2006 11:24:35 AM | I was wondering if I could get some advice from anyone out there. I am currently 9 months pregnant. My husband left me when I was 5 months pregnant. I know we were fighting a lot because I needed more support being pregnant (I was sick as a dog until 5 months pregnant). He was never home to help me around the house. He came home from work and told me that he was unhappy and that he didn't love me anymore. Other than that night, he didn't give me any warning. I begged for him to try marriage counselling, but he refused saying that he knew it wouldn't work (we had gone to marriage counselling two times 2 years before). A week later, he wanted me to sign a separation agreement and a custody agreement through mediation efforts. I went to the initial session, cried the entire time and told him two days later to go and get his own lawyer. I saw a lawyer and she suggested that I not sign anything until the child was born due to the stress on the pregnancy. Besides she told me that you cannot claim custody of an unborn child.
In terms of custody and naming the child, I've decided to change my name back to my maiden name and have the baby's last name the same as mine. I really don't know what will happen in terms of custody. He is demanding that he has the right to have 50% custody of our child once he or she is one year old. I don't agree with this. A child needs a safe and secure household. None of this week at one place a week at the other place. I don't think that 50% custody is in the best interest of the child. I am willing for him to have every other weekend and one night a week visitation access because I think a child needs a father figure in his or her life, but that is it.
I've tried my best to move on in the meantime. I've had some individual counselling. I only took one day off work during the entire time. I've gone to work and have done my job to the best of my ability. I've joined a separation support group. I decided to sell the house. It sold in 5 days. I've packed and moved my stuff out with the help of friends and family. I've even taken my engagement ring in and made it into a pendant. I'm meeting with my lawyer this week to discuss somethings I have been documenting about his behaviour. I am going to go to separation counselling with him as soon as I'm done work and on maternity leave (next week).
He on the other hand, has not gotten counselling. He has not taken care of the house when I needed him to (like shovel the driveway or take out the recycling/garbage). I've had to do some of these things while I was pregnant. I have to phone him to go over to the house to make sure these things are done. He offered to help me pack and move, but never followed through with it. He wants to come to doctor's appointments, but I won't let him because of the stress I have to go through to see him. He is not allowed to go to the birth (he won't be an emotional support). I will call him from the hospital once the child is born. I can't look at him in the eye when I see him. I have no respect for him right now. I don't know if I ever will. He has not supported me financially to get ready for the baby since he left. He also mismanaged our finances before he left and we are in some debt (although it will be resolved once the house is turned over).
Oh and the other kicker....his family is throwing him a baby shower. Isn't that the most ludicrous thing you have ever heard? | |
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| Do you think he will get 50% joint custody?
Posted: 3/5/2006 11:54:21 AM | Here's my .02c ,
It' sounds like you both have a lot of growing up to do .
Firstly , You picked the father , don't punish the child for your choice .
I think you should give him an opportunity to prove himself as a caring father instead of merely a sperm donor , the baby deserves and needs this for a fulfilling life .
When you find someone else (and you will) he will be for you , not the child , there is no substitute for a real father and by his family having a shower I'd say they think , or hope , he will do the right thing (for the child).
Try your hardest to work things thru with your ex. with the child's best interest in mind always although it sounds like you will be on your own financially , so get used to that idea .
Raising a child on your own is not easy , knowing he/she is going to a loving home for a couple of days will be a great break you will learn to enjoy ,(you'll understand this in time)
Anyway , I hope all goes well with you and the baby !
and ............ CONGRATULATIONS ! ........... soon  | |
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| Do you think he will get 50% joint custody?
Posted: 3/5/2006 12:05:45 PM | the older guy is giving sobering but true advice.
Congratulations... if it's your first - you'll understand later.
Have faith... it is for the best. Hope you have family to support you through this...
Aloha | |
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| Do you think he will get 50% joint custody?
Posted: 3/5/2006 12:23:56 PM | I know I will do my best to be the best parent out there. I will never say anything mean about the father of this child in front of him or her. I have made a vow about this.
I didn't know that he was going to leave me. He never told me that he was unhappy until the day he left. I didn't have a chance to fix our marriage because he refused to work things out. I would have tried my best to make our marriage work. I would have done anything to stop him from leaving. I didn't have a choice. He left and refused to work things out. Marriages have their ups and downs and ours was in a down. Your relationship becomes stronger when you work things out and try harder to become better partners, especially when there is a child involved.
My profession involves children and I'm pretty good at it. I know what it is like to take care of children as I have been doing this for 8 years of my professional life.
I'm just looking out for what is best for my child and I don't believe that 50% custody works. It is not in the best interest of the child.
And as for the growing up, I've had to do plenty of this to get through this situation. I've been very strong and healthy in order to keep the baby healthy during my pregnancy. I think I've kept a pretty good head through this entire situation. Lots of people that I know have told me that I'm the strongest woman that they have ever met because of the situation I've been placed in.
I could have just taken a leave of absence from work, sat around and felt sorry for myself when he initially shocked me with his leaving me suddenly. I could have easily lost the baby. I had to instead force myself to eat and continue on with my life as it was before he decided to leave me. | |
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| Do you think he will get 50% joint custody?
Posted: 3/5/2006 12:46:36 PM | I think the reason why I'm upset over the shower, is that I wish that his family would have tried to help us get back together again. Instead, they are supporting him with his decision to leave me. I know that the baby shower will benefit my child, and I'm happy that is the case. I just think the whole idea is weird. I just know that he will not have as much time with the child as I will for the first year because I intend on breastfeeding (if I can). For at least the first year of this child's life, I will be packing a bag so that he can have the child for however long we agree on. I will need lots of things for the baby. He will really only need a car seat and maybe a few other things.
The other thing is that if I knew he was going to leave me, I would have never gotten pregnant. If I knew he was unhappy and not willing to make our marriage work, then I would have said no to having a baby. I would have never bring a child into a world without a dad around 100% of the time (like in a marriage). | |
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| Do you think he will get 50% joint custody?
Posted: 3/5/2006 12:57:01 PM | My parents seperated years ago. I have to say that I believe you would be doing your child a great disservice by not allowing him/her an equal chance to know his father as much as his mother. 50% if a fair spot to start, if circumstances arise where your child is neglected or abused then you should fight that. But it sounds like he wants to be a part of childs life, which I applaud. It sounds like the problem is between you and him.
Please do not punish your child for problems with your marriage.
My thoughts,
Jamie | |
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cojo4
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Joined: 1/10/2006
Msg: 7 | |
| Do you think he will get 50% joint custody?
Posted: 3/5/2006 12:59:30 PM | In some states, he could get 50% custody,very easy, he really has to watch his p's and q's
I know in michigan the state does a in home inspection of the home,Both partys. you really need to find him or his family unfit,Thats very hard to prove.
Good Luck | |
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| Do you think he will get 50% joint custody?
Posted: 3/5/2006 1:26:28 PM | You're in a tough situation, and I'm sorry for you. I have to think that a man who leaves his wife when she's 5 months pregnant will not be a particularly responsible father.
Most judges are going to decide custody based on what's best for the child, and splitting time 50/50 between two households in not considered optimum. Joint custody doesn't necessarily mean joint PHYSICAL custody, but rather joint decision making, support, etc.
What does your lawyer say about this? | |
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| Do you think he will get 50% joint custody?
Posted: 3/5/2006 1:31:33 PM | | My lawyer says that he cannot communicate with me and so he should not receive joint custody. She thinks I should go for sole custody. I just don't think that 50% custody is the best interest for a child. | |
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| Do you think he will get 50% joint custody?
Posted: 3/5/2006 3:49:13 PM | I feel for you and wish you the best ....but.....
I have shared custody of my two daughters......my ex and I sepersted 3 months after the birth of our second child.........from 4 months on I enjoyed 4 days a week with my girls......
Wed morning to thur/night....and saturday morning to sunday night.....
my youngest is now three and we have a wonderful....relationship (same with my oldest....6)
I guess I am writting this because shared does work....and I belive it works well for the kids...
my girls are well adjusted and I believe my role in their life is just as important as their mothers.......they r my world
I could not and would not stand by too every other weekend....and my ex knew it.......It would have killed me I think to go 7 or more days without them....as it is now the max is two and I call
also.....my ex and I pretty much .......well i will say.....we realy realy realy....don't like each other.....but in front of the kids we try to grin and bear it....sure its tough....but you have too
I just upsets me when I see or here women trying too push, the its best to not see you so much stuff when it comes to kids....
but as each situation is different.....maybe you r right....and he might not be a good father.....but should'nt he get the chance too fail and run like a coward....
rather that than never given the chance.....
good luck.....peace
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| Do you think he will get 50% joint custody?
Posted: 3/5/2006 6:48:25 PM | In Canada... unless he has thousands of dollars and years to spend in court, chances are 50% custody is a pipe dream... if you feel the need to fight him spending time with his child.
Whether you like him or not, he is the child's father. Unless he is abusive, why do you feel the need to keep him away? I mean I can understand the instability of the one week on and one week off, but why only one night a week? If you both work days, what's wrong with 2 nights a week with alternating weekends, or 2 one week with weekends and 3 the next without weekends? I work with a guy who did the latter and his daughter grew up just fine.
I mean I've never quite understood people with this whole aspect. If the parents were together, the child would be spending a great deal of time with both parents. All of a sudden because of a separation, people suddenly think that taking a child's time away from another parent makes sense. Like every night they'd see both parents, now one parent should only be seen one night a week?
And yes, of course your lawyer thinks you should go for sole custody. You know why? Because if you go through mediation and settle out of court, your lawyer has to go find some other sucker to string along for the next 2 years. The lawyers aren't giving you any advice for your benefit. Take it from someone who lost his house and his RRSP's, not to mention what it cost my ex and her family. You know what we ended up with? An agreement that is almost identical to the one we were about to sign out of court 2 days before she talked to a lawyer that told her to take our daughter, stop talking to me, and fight for sole custody.
The lawyers don't give a damn about you or your child... all they want is your money. You should have seen how pissed both our lawyers were when my ex and I finally settled at pre-trial. They figured for sure that they had us both on the hook for at least the next 2 years. The lawyers are going to tell you what's best for them, not what's best for your child.
If anything, I would suggest checking into something I heard about. I don't know if it really exists, but someone my mom works with has a daughter, that works in social services, who said Ontario has some sort of Children's Advocate group. Apparently this group provides a representative for the child. I don't know if this group truly exists, this is just third party information. If they do exist, I would suggest going to them. It might save you a pile of money and aggravation. Might also end up coming up with the best solution for your child. | |
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| Do you think he will get 50% joint custody?
Posted: 3/5/2006 7:08:48 PM | I live in Canada........and I have shared custody of my daughters....
I didn't spend years.....or tens of thousands......
Maybe the courts are changing..... | |
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| Do you think he will get 50% joint custody?
Posted: 3/5/2006 7:41:44 PM | I live in Canada........and I have shared custody of my daughters....
I didn't spend years.....or tens of thousands......
How much say did the lawyers have in it, though? Did your ex fall for a lawyer who got her to do her best to screw you out of time with your children, or did she cooperate in that aspect from the start? Where the lawyers can get one person to use the child for leverage, it does cost a pile of money. My ex decided that in the beginning she was going to give me Tuesday and Thursday nights from 5 pm - 8pm, and every second weekend I could have our daughter on Saturday noon - 8pm and Sunday noon - 8pm. I had no choice but to spend the money. And like I say, in the end we got an agreement that was almost identical to the one we had drafted before her lawyer got involved. I now get my daughter every every Tuesday night to Wednesday morning, and the weeks alternate... Thursday night to Friday morning one week and Friday night to Sunday night the following week.
Maybe the courts are changing
The courts are changing, and they are slowly getting better for fathers, but you have to get to court first. The court process takes forever, and the lawyers play the stupid little games in the meantime nickel and diming you to death. No... sorry... that's brown billing you to death... I don't think lawyers even know what a nickel nor a dime looks like. If you did have lawyers involved but you managed to work out your custody arrangement without going to court, can you honestly say that neither lawyer tried to egg either of you on to not settle? If so, I would say that's the first I've heard of that and might I suggest you recommend those lawyers to other people. | |
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| Do you think he will get 50% joint custody?
Posted: 3/5/2006 8:30:53 PM | My wifes lawyer was a B I T C H.........but from the beginning of our seperation I documented everything.......and I took the kids everytime she offered......
I had my little ones wed morning to thur evening and sat morning to sun evening....
I went two years with like 4 weekends off.
(we didnt go to court for 2 years)
when we first started she wanted sole......then we agreed on joint......but she wavered and i said f u c k it i want shared.........
the judge said he would be leaning towards shared ......so we sent a few drafts back and forth and it got done....
maybe the moral is document everything.........and take your kids every chance u get.....she wants a night off.........take it
sorry u had a rough go......
Im counting my lucky stars | |
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| Do you think he will get 50% joint custody?
Posted: 3/5/2006 8:44:10 PM | "Wow, you have a lot lon your plate - I really feel for you and would like to send you and your babe a big hug!!
I really feel for you as I had a very hard time during my pregnancy. THis is when we need real friends and a real partner and I don't believe it's your fault that you picked this partner (as somebody stated). If you trusted this man and had a dream that is what life is about. Unfortunatley the father of your child seems to go through a big change (bigger than the relationship could hold). You must feel very hurt.
I come from an european country and the laws are somewhat different there - mothers are still more protected there. I guess there where a lot of women who abused the systhem here that's why the courts really go for that 50/50 custody solution which I believe I a terrible thing for the child, for how can anywone decide fair together over the upbringing of a child if they can't even live or be thogether. In the end the child it the one who is toren. It's very cruel in my oppinion.
But I don't want to care you any more you have enough on your plate. I want to tell you something positive. I had a very hard time with the father of my child and my son is 4 years old now. There where definete times where I wished I could have just run away and go back to my home country where all my family lives but I decided to give my son and his dad a chance to have a life. within the last years we have formed a respectfull relationship based on what's best for the child. Yes that was a long path but in the interest of the child it was worth it. If you would have asked me about this 4 years ago I would have said it would never be that we are seperated and still do the very best for the child. So many people seperate and live out their anger towards each other through the child. Anyhow, I was a very valid lesson for both of us and I think we have really grown a lot through it. I just want to make you hope that no matter how hope less the situation may look, there might be a great gift of a new life skill or lesson to learn.
I wish you the very best and congratulate you on you decicion on sticking to you boundries when the father can be there (doctors appointments or so) or not, because right now (and thaths one of the most important parts of becoming a parent) you are responsable for your own well being. Take good care of yourself and seek all the help you can get. There is alot of help out there in the communities (like women's recource centre, transitions society, family services, ...)
Good luck to you and may you have lot's of strength and support.
Blessings | |
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| Do you think he will get 50% joint custody?
Posted: 3/5/2006 8:50:28 PM | and I took the kids everytime she offered
Here's where the trick came in with us. My ex never offered ever. Like I say, her lawyer told her to cut off contact with me as much as possible. And any time we did talk, she has her own view of reality and any conversation that wasn't recorded ended up turning into another dramatic production. She was one of the people who accused me of being a liar, but wouldn't talk while being recorded nor put anything in writing. While I could document all of that stuff, the courts don't really care about that. She didn't technically ever refuse me any time that the courts ordered, but until recently (now over a year since we separated) she wouldn't even entertain my ideas for alternate arrangements. Now that she's got a boyfriend, she seems to agree that perhaps our daughter spending a little extra time with me might not be a bad thing. But even up until Christmas, such ideas were incomprehensible.
So to get back to the Op... take this advice at the very least. Regardless of whether you like your ex or not (I know I don't like mine), unless he's a completely unfit parent, I would recommend doing the best you can to make sure your child has a good relationship with both of you, otherwise you're just going to get stuck in a childish game that helps absolutely nobody. Like I say... the lawyers don't give a damn about you or your child. Have you looked around your lawyers office? Are there holes in the wall? Is it decrepit? What kind of car are they driving? They didn't pay for any of that by doing the right thing. Do your best with mediation. Put your child ahead of yourself. I mean just think about it for a second... if your parents split up, would you like to be kept away from your father just because your mother didn't like him? I know you're not trying to cut off all contact... but would the time you're offering be what you would like to spend with your dad in the same situation? | |
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| Do you think he will get 50% joint custody?
Posted: 3/6/2006 2:55:15 PM | "Put your child ahead of yourself. I mean just think about it for a second... if your parents split up, would you like to be kept away from your father just because your mother didn't like him? I know you're not trying to cut off all contact... but would the time you're offering be what you would like to spend with your dad in the same situation?"
I am putting the child ahead of myself. I want to do what is best for my child. Right now I can't trust him. He left me with absolutely no warning. How do I know he won't do this to our child? He has to prove to me that he wants to be around this child. I will give him an opportunity to visit his child whenever he wants after the child is born (he just has to give me advanced notice). If he can take care of him or her and I feel comfortable with this, then I may let him take the child away to visit his parents for an hour or two. Maybe if I see that he can be a good dad, then I will think about a different custody agreement like maybe 2 nights per week and every other weekend. I will hopefully be breastfeeding (because it is what is best for the child) and it will be hard for him to take the baby away for extended periods of time. I am not trying to stop him from having 50% custody because I want to get back at my ex. I'm doing it because I feel it is what is best for our child.
Like I said I work with children. I know what it is like for a child to 'play' mom and dad when mom or dad have them for one week at a time. I don't want my child to 'play' us and turn out to be an irresponsible child. Children need a safe environment to live in. They need consistency. They need a loving atmosphere. They need security. I don't think a child will be getting this if they are moving from house to house every week.
I have to be able to trust him and because of his actions, and the fact that I had no input in the decision to end our marriage, I don't feel that he will be a worthy father. It will take a while for me to be able to trust him. He has to prove himself not only to me, but to his child. He has said that he will be there for his child always. He has also said some other things recently that he hasn't followed through on. Only time will tell before I can trust him with our child.
I didn't know he was going to do this to me. I don't believe in bringing up a child outside of wedlock, but I don't have a choice in the matter because he won't resolve our differences. I've tried to get him to do this, but he won't. He ran away from his problems instead of facing them. How do I know he won't do this to our child? | |
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| Do you think he will get 50% joint custody?
Posted: 3/6/2006 3:42:55 PM | Personaly....I feel from your posting that you are still way too angry, to give this man a fair shake...
What he did too you was wrong....from what you posted about the situation.....He was dam strait wrong........but unfortunatley theres going to be a child and you have to find away too move past it.
As far as some of the things you have written......well I do take offense to some of your comments like:" He has to prove himself to you".....?
why does a man have too prove to a women that he will be a good father before he can see more of his child?
Does a women have to prove herself before she gets too keep her child?.......NO.....so why should a man...
I am not wriiting this too upset you....becasue 1) I do not know you and 2) I have no versted interest in your particular situation......but.....
I have first hand knowledge that shared custody....(like I said I have wed morning to thursday evening....and saturday morning to sunday evening), can work and CAN be in the best interestes of the children......My girls are incredible individuals....and I often get comments on their behaviour from friends,families,teachers and strangers......so sharing custody when done properly can be benificial to the children
Children have a right to spend equal time with their parents whenever possible, after all they are a product of two people.......not one....and neither of you have a larger claim to them as your children.....
again.....He might turn out to be a dead beat......and when you see that.....documment it and do what you have to do in the best interest of your child...
As far as getting along with your ex......you don't ever have too......you only have to play nice in front of the children....and don't speak badley of him/her...when they are not around...
I'm sorry if this isn't what you want to here and this is nothing personal....but I believe from experience that shared can work and from what I see of my children......it is the BEST CASE senerio if possible
good luck....and I mean that.....for your childs sake I hope he suprises you | |
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| Do you think he will get 50% joint custody?
Posted: 3/6/2006 3:59:23 PM | My honest opinion?
You are angry and upset over your ex leaving you, so you want to hurt him, by not letting him be a part of your childs life.
You are punishing your unborn because you feel cheated out of a marriage and hurt that he didnt communicate his unhappiness with you. You are angry that he left you while preg. and there to pick up all the emotional pieces, and doing so while preg. is 10x as tough.
As long as he is not abusive to you or to the baby, there is no reason why you should take away his child. | |
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| Do you think he will get 50% joint custody?
Posted: 3/6/2006 4:17:39 PM |
I have to be able to trust him and because of his actions, and the fact that I had no input in the decision to end our marriage, I don't feel that he will be a worthy father. It will take a while for me to be able to trust him. He has to prove himself not only to me, but to his child. He has said that he will be there for his child always. He has also said some other things recently that he hasn't followed through on. Only time will tell before I can trust him with our child.
I had no say in my wife cheating on me. I had no say in my wife saying lies in court that I did not feed our daughter nor bathe her just because she wanted to restrict time. I am one hell of a father, but my wife and I were incapable of salvaging a marriage because she got "bored" of being with the same man for 5 years. We got joint custody, but she is the primary and if we do not agree on a solution, she has final say.
So can you please explain why you think one person's hurt feelings are a legitimate reason to screw with a child's relationship with one of their parents? My ex pulled the same thing... accusing me of trying to take our daughter away from her. I never have and I never will. A lawyer told me to do it, and I had a month where I could have easily done it. Why didn't I? Because I'm a better person than to use my daughter to get back at her mother for cheating on me. Whether you like your ex or not, he probably feels the same way (in regards to not using his child).
Just because your ex decided being married to you wasn't something he wanted to do, it does not mean he will be a horrible father. The only thing that's going to happen is you are going to create more animosity which will cause problems. Listen to restless. Give him his chance. If he screws up, document it and then pursue taking time away. If you are worried, have a temporary custody arrangement made whereby the access pattern is reviewed in 6 months time. Do not assume that he is a bad father just because he was a bad husband. Give him the opportunity to be a father. My ex always said I was a good father until it came time for court when suddenly reitterating such words wasn't going to help her maximize the amount of child support she was going to receive.
And like I say... there are alternatives to the "week here/week there" arrangement. You can still evenly split the time. I mean it's always ironic that the person who wants to keep the child to themselves always refers to "stability". Could you honsetly say that if the courts granted your ex sole custody that you would be happy with one night a week and every second weekend? Would it be comforting to know that your child is in a "stable" environment?
All I'm trying to say is that right now, it sounds very much like you are basing your decision on your anger for your ex and what he did. Let go of that. If this does end up in court, if he ends up with a good enough lawyer, they will make you out to be vindictive and using your child to try and get even with your ex. And again, depending on what kind of judge hears the case, your ex might end up being the one who gets sole custody, or primary of a joint custody arrangement. I'll give you a little advice one judge gave me.... it's better to deal with the devil you know than the devil you don't know. If you do your best to work with him, you might be surprised at how things turn out.
I'm not trying to pass judgment... but some of us have been through this. You are traveling down a dangerous road right now where only the lawyers will benefit. I didn't have a choice because my ex decided lawyers were the way she wanted to go. You don't have to do it. Like has been said... wait until there is a reason to restrict his access. The only thing he has proven so far is that he was not the right husband for you. There is no reason to continue to compound the anger and bitterness. It will do your child no good. Trust me. | |
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| Do you think he will get 50% joint custody?
Posted: 3/6/2006 4:25:16 PM |
because of his actions, and the fact that I had no input in the decision to end our marriage, I don't feel that he will be a worthy father.
You need to separate the marriage of you and him vs. mother/fatherhood.
Ending a marriage has absolutely nothing to do with how he will be as a father.
I can understand a bit what you are trying to say, but I think more than anything, you are hurt, and may not realize that you are unintentionally taking it out on him. You are looking at him as "the husband" not as a "father". | |
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| Do you think he will get 50% joint custody?
Posted: 3/6/2006 4:27:03 PM | "I will give him an opportunity to visit his child whenever he wants after the child is born (he just has to give me advanced notice). If he can take care of him or her and I feel comfortable with this, then I may let him take the child away to visit his parents for an hour or two."
I think that I'm being very reasonable by allowing him to visit whenever he wants to. I think that I am giving him a fair shake by allowing him access whenever he wants to after our child is born. Put yourself in my shoes - I will do anything to ensure that my child will not be hurt. I have to be careful. If he is able to hurt me, he could possibly hurt our child.
Wouldn't you do the same if you knew that your ex could walk out on your child's life at anytime and never come back? I have some major trust issues with him right now and until he can prove to me that he will not walk out of his child's life, then I will feel comfortable with him having less custodial access.
Besides, he has already told me that I will have more access to this child over the first year because I'm the one who can take a one year maternity leave. His job does not allow him this. I will also be breastfeeding for a least a year (if I can). | |
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| Do you think he will get 50% joint custody?
Posted: 3/6/2006 4:28:44 PM | Unless he is proven unfit, he will get 50/50 or joint.
It is also his decision and up to the evidence in court to make the decision.
I would very much protect my child, thats obvious. However, youve never mentioned if hes abused you before..... | |
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| Do you think he will get 50% joint custody?
Posted: 3/6/2006 5:08:24 PM | I'm not sure why you want to go to separation counselling with him? What is that going to do? Unless I've misread that line- personally I think each person should have a really good lawyer and if what you are saying is true, that he has not helped financially and stuff then you need to document that, but what is really import here is this soon to be born child-
So his family threw him a baby shower, it is their grandchild too, you need to let go of that, and see that these people (his family) are excited about this, that all this gifts are for your baby, not for you not for him, but for your baby, regardless if he keeps them at his house or not.
Like I said, a judge will decide, what the best interests are, but think about it - do you really want to go that route?
I've been there, it is a long and hard road, but I know one thing, I would never ever deny my child from seeing his Dad, I always tell him to have a good time with his Dad and girlfriend etc, even though me personally I truly cannot stand the man, but that being said he is my sons father, and I would never hurt my child like that and vice versa, because what is most important is the child as it isnt our son's fault that our marriage didnt work out.
Just remember that, and I wish you all the best, especially with the new one, it truly is such an exciting time, instant love! | |
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| Do you think he will get 50% joint custody?
Posted: 3/6/2006 5:37:18 PM | this is a really touchy topic for me.... but i think i understand where you are coming from....
its not that you dont think he wouldnt be a good father.... i think it is more along the lines of... will he follow thru on the things he has said he will do... as you have said... he said he would come over to take the bins out for you and to shovel your driveway... and never showed up.... to you this would be like... if he was able to go back on his word and not show when you are pregnant with his child... maybe he would do the same when the child is here...
i left the father of my son when i was 3months (my son is 4years old in june)... the moment i told him i was pregnant.. he did a full 360 on me... what was once a happy relationship... turned nasty.... so i left... and he was happy that i was leaving... said it would be the best for the child to stay with me and be around family that would be there for both of us... so... i moved to my home state.... 3days after i left the abuse started again... he had a nasty fight with my sister... everyone in my family hates him... but i always said to them... give him the benefit of the doubt to see if he will follow thru on what he said he would do... and that was to see the child more then 4 times a year....and he will support the child whenever i needed extra things. By the time i was 8months the father had a change of heart... he wanted to give us another try... he wanted me to move back down.. said it would the best thing i would have ever done.... i did think about it... as well... my son needs his father... but... just as i was seeing how much everything would cost.... he turned again....but said he will be there for the birth... which he was... coz he knew i wanted him to have something to do with our son... he played me on that... his abuse made me feel guilty for both father and son not seeing each other.. i did most of the travelling between the states.... with a new born.. we got on well.. until the novelty wore off for the father and he would turn on me again.... this happened more tmes then i could think of.... the visits came few and far between... nothing like he had said and we had agreed to this before and after the child was born... by the time my son was 18months old... i did up the first meditation conference... well.. the father stuffed that one up... and physically abused me infront of his GF (who is still with him mind you and didnt stop him) his other family members... and whilst i was holding my son.... 6months after that visit... he movedup.. everything was great for 4months.. until the GF didnt like him spending all his with his son.... so again.. visits became few and far between.... he applied for another mediation in 2004.. but nothing happened and they closed the case as he didnt hand in his paperwork....then after the DVO trail... he reopened the case and we sat in oct 2005... because of the lack of knowlege he has with his son.. and the lesser time he has spent with his son... the mediator agreed with me on what i had to offer... he did want it to go to trail... but was told the judge would give him the same thing.... so to this day he father hasnt seen his son since christmas 2004.. and i doubt that he will...
so i do understand that you want to protect your child when he/she is born as you can say anything.. but it doesnt mean anything until that time has come... and if you cant follow thru on small things before the child is here... you dont know if he would be able to do the same with the child is here....you dont know what kinda father he will be... but i do believe you are giving him the benefit of the doubt to show himself to his child...and hope to god he wont do to his child as he did to you.... as in all honesty.... my sons father didnt want to know how to care for his son as i was there... when he did care for his son.. there were other people around him coz he couldnt cope dealing with it himself...my sons father has never had one on one time alone with his son only when it has been in the car from picking up and dropping off....
best thing to do... is make up a order that will suit both of you... the father has your child on weekends from like 9-5 both days... and so many days after work to spend time with the child and so he knows how to put the child to bed etc.... once you both feel comfortable you can go back to mediation and change the current order to what will work for the child and for both you parents... | |
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