| How come we all get so picky after 30?
Posted: 3/8/2006 2:22:40 PM | | How come we all get so picky after 30? When we were in our early 20's with our hard bodies and a future full of possibilities we would date basically anyone we thought was fun. Did not seam to matter what walk of life they were from or how they felt about politics or some other mundane topic... if we were both young and dug each other we gave going out a shot. Now here we are, all 30 somethings with our few extra pounds, few less hairs, emotional scars, dinged credit, stuck in our ways, past relationship baggage and what ever other socially unattractive qualities that we have accumulated over the years. And what are we expecting now from a mate? Nothing less than perfection. It’s like every time something bad happened to us in our past we make a small mental note saying “somebodies going to have to make up for that!” Why are we doing this to each other and ourselves? Not sure I really expect “the answer” but it’s on my mind so I thought I’d put it out there. | |
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Posted: 3/8/2006 2:51:18 PM | I don't think it's so much a matter of 'someone's going to have to pay for this' as it is a matter of 'I learned something from that one'. Not to mention - I've got a lot more to lose if I screw up this late in life  | |
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Posted: 3/8/2006 5:33:41 PM | | It's about gaining some perspective on what is really important in a relationship, as distinct from the naive choices most make in their twenties. Some persist in making the same mistakes over and over, but there are many people with learning disabilities, after all! | |
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Posted: 3/8/2006 6:21:00 PM | | I think a lot of it is just what you stated about our 20's. We found what didn't work, so the playing field gets narrowed down, and it's narrowed down for who we meet as well, making things even more interesting! lol | |
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Posted: 3/8/2006 6:29:26 PM | You know I think that it is because a majority of us lived in relationships/marriages that were totally unfulfilling and that gave us a lot of time to really distinguish what it is that we think we want the next time around. We think in our minds that we are getting older and only have so much time and want to find what it is that we have been lacking in the first half of our lives in a way.
So our expectations are high and all I hear is that no one is going to just settle and they want IT ALL! With thoughts like these I think those of us in our thirties are NEVER going to be happy or satisfied.
I personally am very simple in my wants of a partner at this point in my life: to be kind, easy going, considerate, respectful, and have a sense of adventure. They dont have to have the great job or great looks, just need to know how to love, speak, and respect a woman. | |
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Posted: 3/8/2006 6:30:40 PM | | Honey, if those qualities were that simple to find, POF would be a very quiet place. lol | |
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Posted: 3/8/2006 7:26:55 PM | | Youth is the tide that recedes leaving singles stranded, high and dry. | |
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| What are we doing?
Posted: 3/9/2006 6:59:36 AM | I agree fully with most of the opinions so far, you do learn from mistakes and you should have by the time you reach your thirties know what you want and don't want. However your point about how people are looking for nothing less than perfection is very very true.
Something I've learned from my experiences with online dating, more so than in real life, is that the people here have this inflated sense of themselves. They go out to meet and expect fireworks and crap over coffee! If they see or hear one thing that doesn't fit into their idea of what the perfect mate should be, they run! Look at the forums for instance. Read all the advice that's given for any situation, its all run away, he/she's a player, he/she's cheating, everything's a friggin' red flag with these people. Talk about negative attitudes. Its rampant around here and they all think they're right!
Prime example - There was a girl on here a few months ago that started a thread about me. She just wanted some advice about our situation because i was keeping it slow (we had only gone out twice) and she was used to rushing to the finish line. You should have seen the advice she was given! He's playing, he's lying, he's probably got a few on the side and he's waiting to see if something better comes along. It was ridiculous. Only a couple of people actually offered the more reasonable thought that maybe I was taking it slow and she should too considering she admitted to being someone who rushes in.
And here's the kicker, these same people are really no better than the rest! They come off as nice, somewhat normal, friendly types with jobs, homes, kids, etc. but when you get to meet them, you find out they're just a messed up as the rest of the bunch! And yet, THEY expect perfection! Give me a break. I've never seen such hypocrisy. | |
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| What are we doing?
Posted: 3/9/2006 7:09:27 AM | | People respond very well to being romanced. They respond very badly to being judged and criticized. So with modern online dating you have all the judgment and criticism with none of the romance. It should be hard when the method chosen acts exactly opposite human nature! Hopefully the fad will soon subside and people will once again rediscover anew the ageless joys of romance. Stop shopping for each other; stop advertising yourselves as products. That will help a lot. Read a poem every time you masturbate, for starters. Get your brain trained to follow romance, not porn, along the trail of love. List not the qualities you seek in someone else, but the many ways you would love them. Those ways count. | |
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| What are we doing?
Posted: 3/9/2006 9:26:22 AM |
Read a poem every time you masturbate,
This is the second funniest thing I've read today!
If I'm masturbating the last thing on my mind is reading! | |
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Posted: 3/9/2006 11:19:31 AM |
If I'm masturbating the last thing on my mind is reading!
That's why they make books on tape!  | |
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| What are we doing?
Posted: 3/9/2006 1:12:36 PM |
If I'm masturbating the last thing on my mind is reading!
That's the only time I read or post here. | |
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Posted: 3/9/2006 1:30:39 PM | | Remind me then never to say anything about typos....(note to self!) | |
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Posted: 3/9/2006 7:22:51 PM | Joe.....while I think you're basically right.....you are a beaming ray of sunshine!! I just wanna give you a hug!! (((((Joe Schmo))))))
Hey, I like the forums and even though there is a lot of negativity...I don't typically search out those threads (I know, i know...why am I here?).....the operative word there is typically....
Maybe start searching for more uplifting threads Joe..
OT
I think that we have experience under our belts and the walls are a lot thicker the older we get and so we become pickier. Not because we SHOULD be....we just can't help it. It's all out of fear! JMHO | |
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| What are we doing?
Posted: 3/9/2006 8:25:00 PM | *sighing* Yes, as much as we want to take risks and find the right relationship for us, fear does rear its ugly head...I know I have a terrible fear of rejection, and at the first indication, I will duck and hide...I know some of what I don't want, but I am still wanting to find that person who will enhance me...and I don't know what it is I want or need...
And it is unfortunate, but a psychology degree has given me some awareness and understanding of what is going on...I do want to meet someone, but I have placed numerous barriers in place to reduce the risk...
So, it is not necessarily a case of being more particular, but being more cautious and feeling more vulnerable... | |
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| What are we doing?
Posted: 2/10/2009 10:15:51 AM | | I would never want to go back to my 20's EVER!! We didn't even know who we were back then did we? I didn't that much I know. I think that it's true maybe we weren't as selective or had different ideas about relationships but that's the fun of being adults isn't it? I don't know why people look at 30+ as a bad thing for dating? What has changed so much in that 10 year span? Would you have wanted to be in a serious relationship with your 21 year old self? I wouldn't! | |
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Posted: 2/10/2009 4:19:04 PM | | op i had to chuckle when i read your posting. and it is quite true what you say. however id like to say that may past realationships have made me who i am today. i dont like to look at the negative points.yet they do let you know what you do'nt want in your next relationship. so id look at them as stepping stone so to speak. so i would not say more picky. rather i know what i want in life. just a thought. | |
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Posted: 2/10/2009 7:58:03 PM | | Heh heh, speak for yourself! I was pickier when I was in my 20s than I am now. I'm far from picky nowadays. I know what I don't want though these days, but I'm not picky by any means. | |
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| What are we doing?
Posted: 2/10/2009 8:43:08 PM | I wrote a thread about this which earlier predicatably got deleted. The fact of the matter is anyone who is over 30 should have learned from past mistakes and past relationships and isn't going to just dive head long into relationships with people before they get a pretty clear idea as to whether the person of interest is going to ADD anything positive to their life.
Anyone who is over 30 and has achieved some success in their life and done things doesn't want to team up with someone who is not mentally, financially and emotionally on the same wave length.
This doesn't mean that they have the same amount of money or have had the same experiences.
It simply means they share the same values, goals and ideals. | |
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| What are we doing?
Posted: 2/10/2009 8:51:11 PM | | I think you answered your question. When we were young there were no responsibilities, still young and ready for more trials but it is different now, they way of thinking, if they have kids and care about them, tired from games, more experience and no more time left for trials. | |
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Posted: 2/11/2009 5:15:11 AM | I think you're talking about yourself and your emotional wounds. Please don't speak for others. A lot of us don't have these negative attitudes. Be careful what thoughts you put out there because you'll reap the rewards of them.
Judith | |
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| What are we doing?
Posted: 2/11/2009 10:25:32 AM | People don't expect perfection but they have learned that life is too short to put up with a bunch of b.s. I am much more tolerant of many things, the small stuff that I would previously have argued with someone about, big whoop. But the basic stuff, the glue that holds things together which requires a bit more character than the ability to have a good time, that is non-negotiable and without it, I would rather be alone.
It is not that somebody has to make up for that, but don't you think it is a little bit stupid to keep doing the same thing over again, jumping into relationships regardless of many different very practical issues, better maybe to avoid those things you know cause you pain. If a man is jealous, I don't want to be around him but I also don't assume that all men are jealous, I just realize that the behavior is not indicative of a learning curve.
The standards you hold now only keep you from having the wrong relationship and why would you want to do that anyway? | |
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| What are we doing?
Posted: 2/11/2009 10:43:34 AM | "I'm not pickier, I'm smarter."
In a nutshell, that is all it is! Exactly right. | |
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Posted: 2/11/2009 12:26:41 PM | ~OT~ I was much pickier when I was younger with regard to physical appearance. I had a very set-in-stone "type" and that was that. I grew out of that and moved on to "substance" type pickiness. Sheesh ~ it was much easier when all I cared about was that he looked like my type.  | |
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