| Am I over reacting?
Posted: 3/8/2006 9:18:04 PM | So maybe there are some people that can help me out.
Here's the problem. I have a friend, who happens to be 1) male, 2) one of my best friends, 3) an ex. Ever since we broke up he's had girlfriends and I've had a couple of boyfriends, so it's not like I'm insanely jealous. Over a month ago we went out with a group of people and he meet one of my female friends. It was going great....everyone was getting along and we were all having a great time. The three of us ended up at my place and my two friends got really close. That I don't have a problem with, my problem was that there was no respect to the fact that they were doing this in my house. I eventually confronted both of them and told them that I didn't appreciate the fact that they used my place as a brothel, (I know...pretty harsh words). they both responded that what they did was wrong and that they didn't mean to hurt me. Well...did I forget to mention that my female friend had, at the time, a boyfriend.
So a month has now past....the three of us would hang out about 3-4 times a week. I noticed that they were getting close. That didn't bother me...not really...well...maybe a little...I was starting to feel like the 5th wheel. But that aside, I asked my male friend what was going on between the two of them (I was closer to him) and he told me that for the past 2 weeks they have been trying to find a way to tell me that they are going to "try each other out". Okay.....that's fine....so here's where the issue comes out:
When I asked my her if there was anything going on...she blatantly lied....to my face....that she didn't feel that way about him. And every time I would mention that they seemed like they were getting close....she would say, "no....I'm the one that's the 5th wheel" and when I would ask about her boyfriend her response was that she didn't see it going anywhere and that she just wasn't responding to his calls or e-mails.
So the question is...am I over reacting?? I'm really hurt and dissappointed in both of them for hiding this from me. Their reason was that they didn't know how to tell me so that I wouldn't be upset.....I'm more upset now because they were sneaking around behind my back, and not to mention that they lied to me...and again I repeat....to my face. | |
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| Am I over reacting?
Posted: 3/8/2006 9:28:51 PM | | For the most part,denile and deflection.Trust your own feelings,you know what's going on.She may feel like she is being confronted and does not like it but,that is no excuse to lie to you. | |
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| Am I over reacting?
Posted: 3/8/2006 9:31:31 PM | | Tigers don't change their strips, unles they are skinned out of them. Other wards it sucks, but thats how they are. You take the good with the bad, are not at all. Yea it sucks, and for the record I don't like dishonest people eaither. | |
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| Am I over reacting?
Posted: 3/8/2006 9:31:44 PM | | It sounds like these two people are trying to handle the situation in a way that does not make you uncomfortable. I wouldn't hold them too accountable for their choices as they have probably had litttle practise in this kind of situation. | |
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| Am I over reacting?
Posted: 3/8/2006 9:39:09 PM | | I am trying very hard to be as understanding as possible....but where's the line between being understanding and being a complete mug?? | |
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| Am I over reacting?
Posted: 3/8/2006 9:41:21 PM | | Usually we don't know the lines until after we cross them. | |
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| Am I over reacting?
Posted: 3/8/2006 9:44:52 PM | Maybe she thinks you still have feelings for him ....... cause um it sure sounds like you do!!!!
*winks and smiles!!!! | |
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| Am I over reacting?
Posted: 3/8/2006 9:49:38 PM | to a certain extent...yeah...I still have feelings for him....he's one of my best friends. but come on....i'm not a monster.....i don't need to be lied to....that's my biggest issue.
the truth is....i haven't even talked to her about any of this.
and because he is a friend of mine...I do want him to be happy. I want her to be happy as well.....
they lying...is it really necessary? | |
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| Am I over reacting?
Posted: 3/8/2006 10:14:30 PM | I don't think they are lying. (if anyone is I think your male friend is the girlfriend is pondering a lot right now) They are deceiving and avoiding the issue. That's for sure.
You have to look at it from the other side. You say to them you're okay with this but you let them have it for the ruckus at your house and called it disrespect. You then went after your girlfriend telling her off and reminding her about her boyfriend situation. You are expecting them to tell you everything!
Honestly Mango would you tell someone the details that acted this way.
I wouldn't and to be honest and sincere mango I'd be thinking its none of your business. | |
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| Am I over reacting?
Posted: 3/8/2006 10:21:46 PM | Hey Jumpy..... good post!.... I forgive you for the other night!!!!
Listen to jumpy too mango.... he's another guy friend
Ps I don't think your manipulative but your controlling thats for sure.... meaning it well
*hugs... | |
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| Am I over reacting?
Posted: 3/8/2006 10:33:27 PM | I don't think you are manipulative or passive aggressive!! Your friends well and truly disrespected you when they were intimate IN YOUR HOUSE! What a cheek!
And of course you feel more uncomfortable and sensitive because you have a past with this man.
Personally, I would distance myself from both of them and surround yourself with people who truly care about you.
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| Am I over reacting?
Posted: 3/8/2006 10:39:32 PM | I think that you probably shouldn't hang with them (just you and them)anymore. If you really like both of them, then you need to get a male friend to go along so that if they (your other two friends)end up doing the wild thing (in your apartment or whereever), you will have someone to do a little "Petting" on you.
When three friends go out together and two of the friends want to do the wild thang together the third friend is always going to be left out. You need to pick up a forth. Tracy
P.s. unless you want to be real close friends and just jump in the mix when they are in your apartment doing the wild thang.....................ya never know LOL | |
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| Am I over reacting?
Posted: 3/8/2006 11:17:52 PM | | I would never date, make out with, sleep with, someone that my friend dated, made out with, slept with. That's just me though. | |
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| Am I over reacting?
Posted: 3/8/2006 11:27:44 PM | | Personally I don't think "friends" should date/go out with another friend's ex,to me it's disrespectful. | |
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| Am I over reacting?
Posted: 3/9/2006 1:38:09 AM | Well,you told them not to brothel in your appartement,wich was fine,and they
appaulogised,wich was also fine.
But they could have been thinking,that if they openly show their interest in each other
while around you and told you they were getting serious,they might of thaught you don't
want to be friends with them no more.
And of course all the advise you got so far is to be considered as well.You must still have
deep feelings for him,sure seems that way to me.
To take away this tension,i would just open the bag and let her rip,in other words,tell them how you feel,and that it's o.k. they are getting serious,unless of course that is not how you really feel.
Only you know how you feel and what to do with it,either way,don't leave it bottled up,very hard on the heart.mind and spirit!
Knight Rider! | |
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| Am I over reacting?
Posted: 3/9/2006 1:48:07 AM | i think your just reacting , not over reacting.
Its a tough situation and I think you have to ask yourself if u are seriously over the romantic feelings u had for your ex.
Feelings just dont go away and although u were fine with other women being with him, i think your space with him feels violated.
I dont think there is anything wrong with your feelings at all right now but honestly, be careful how u deal with them now, you dont want to hurt any of the friendshios u value so much
good luck, i hope u figure it out | |
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| Am I over reacting?
Posted: 3/9/2006 1:59:13 AM | mango girl: I wish you never have a bigger problem!
I don't want to underestimate your feelings, however, when children die in Africa....it just seems such like a mosquito compared to an elephant.
Human nature is such: when you don't have any problem in life, you create one...make an elephant from a mosquito...
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| Am I over reacting?
Posted: 3/9/2006 2:00:06 AM | | No..they were using you as a decoy while they "tried each other out"..?? sounds more like your the alibi...." oh I was as my friends house...hanging out" uh huh we know.. | |
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| Am I over reacting?
Posted: 3/9/2006 2:08:34 AM | If I were you, I would believe your female friend. She isn't exactly sure what's going on either.
Sounds like she isn't exactly committed to her current boyfriend (so, she doesn't want to 'marry' him and is still looking), but she is interested in your ex and doesn't want to mess things up with you. She's between a rock and a hard place.
Meanwhile; you seem (to her) to have had it all. You have this current, intimate relationship, PLUS, have a wonderful Ex....
Yikes; the drama. You all need some space from each other and a little less partying, methinks! | |
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| Am I over reacting?
Posted: 3/9/2006 2:24:55 AM | Dam; how do you people keep this all straight?? I'm so confused...  | |
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| Am I over reacting?
Posted: 3/9/2006 11:11:16 AM | Ok, let me get this straight....she was/is screwing around on her boyfriend, and you are suprised that she lied to you???????  | |
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| Am I over reacting?
Posted: 3/9/2006 11:55:02 AM | Mango, you're going to get different opinions on this. My opinion is logical, and I have experience with this scenario.
How many single eligible men exist in Calgary Alberta Canada that aren't your X? Probably 100,000. Can't your gf date one of those guys? No, she chooses to date your X, all the while having another guy on the side.
She lies to you, she lies to your X, she lies to her other dude, she dates your X. You're not wrong to feel bad, she really isn't your friend if she does all of these things. Distance yourself from her. She's bad news.
My scenario was I dated a woman for a couple of months (she was friends with a woman I work with). Broke up, remained friends. Immediately after breaking up, she asks me if its ok if she dates my friend (they work at company Y). I say yes, I wanted to see my two friends happy, if they dated and were happy, that would be great. I'm still friends. Next year my set of friends go on vacation together, my buddy and X share one bedroom of a suite. They fight during the vacation. Back home they break up. She attends my after work happy hours and says snippy things about me. Year following I'm eating lunch with another buddy (him, my buddy, and the X work at the company Y). He asks me "aren't you pissed that my buddy was cheating on my X when I was dating the X? This was news to me. Turns out the X was giving sex to my buddy before I broke up with her. At the time I wasn't pissed because I never had sex with her during the two months we dated. But as time went on this stuck in my craw. I now am not friends with this buddy. With friends like that, who needs enemies?
Moral of the story, don't date your buddy's Xs. I think dating a buddy's X shows a lack of respect to the friendship. Even when you think all bases are covered and everyone is a mutually consenting adult, sex just gets everybody's sensibilities messed up. There are plenty of other fish in the sea. | |
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| Am I over reacting?
Posted: 3/9/2006 12:00:52 PM | I think you're under-reacting. You should napalm them . . . | |
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BBSW
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Joined: 2/11/2006
Msg: 24 | |
| Am I over reacting?
Posted: 3/9/2006 12:09:59 PM | Pot....LOL!!!
Dating a friend's ex is icky. I can't think of a scenario where it wouldn't be. | |
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| Am I over reacting?
Posted: 3/9/2006 12:15:18 PM | Dump the girlfriend. She's a liar and a cheat if she had a b/f while this was going on. Put some distance between your guy friend and let them be. I mean you have kind of put yourself in a bad situation. Not the fiisrt time at your house but by continuing to hang out with them. This can't be good for you if you still have feelings for him. You might want to mention the other boyfriend to guy just to let him know what he's dealing with. She did it to the other guy, she'll do it to him. Like was stated a tiger doesn't change their stripes. Don't continue to torture yourself by hanging out with them. In the future if you're in this situation again, you might want to mention to your gal pals that you still have feelings for a guy. That might have this time if you had told her. Be honest with yourself and be honest with your friends.
Luna | |
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