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Show ALL Forums  > Broken Hearts  > How do you stop loving someone?      Home login  
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 MajMikeW
Joined: 10/9/2004
Msg: 1
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How do you stop loving someone?Page 1 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
My divorce will be final soon. I have bought myself a house, and am trying to move forward with life but . . .

We were together 17 years, married 15 1/2, and have a 6yo little girl. I went through some bad stuff in the military, saw too much death, misery and flat out evil, and it changed me.

I was wounded in combat, and my health has declined dramatically. Headaches every day, migraines several times a week. PTSD, depression, anxiety, etc.

She says she doesn't love me anymore. We haven't been intimate in over 2 years, but I have been faithful. My daughter has kept me in this life, has shown me true love. If not for her, I would much rather see what's next.

I was 23 and she was 20, both of us just shy of a birthday, when we married. My whole adult life has been with her, it's hard to conceive of anything else.

How do you stop loving somebody? I can't help it, I love her still. I swore an oath to her and God, and meant it, but it's killing me.

How do you stop loving somebody?
 wardemon
Joined: 1/31/2005
Msg: 2
How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 2/2/2005 7:39:14 PM
Only god knows.
Mine has done the same to me.
I suppose I will always love her.
I don't think it is possible to just stop.
Here is hopeing that you make it through... this. Good luck.
 MoonglowButterfly
Joined: 9/4/2004
Msg: 3
How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 2/2/2005 7:41:27 PM
You don't. You just slowly move on and love who they were. And the anger that you eventually feel is b/c all the love and passion for who they could be has turned to anger. But you get past it, move on and be happy for you and your daughter. You can do it. It's hard as h*ll, but you can do it. Trust me.

Good luck,

~Moonglow
 honey_kizzes
Joined: 9/30/2004
Msg: 4
How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 2/2/2005 7:56:38 PM
MajMikew...
well I am sorry how you feel...i do feel for you....but I think LOVE IS FOREVER, you can not ever fall out of love with someone...You can move on and live again, and love someone new, but you will always care that love you feel with you...
 Buffalowardance
Joined: 1/5/2005
Msg: 5
How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 2/2/2005 8:03:49 PM
Oh, d*mn. That hurts.

I know you don't want to hear it, but you should have done anything to be intimate... Intimacy isn't always about penetration, it is more about the emotional security in that connection. It had to hurt her very emotionally if she was pushed to the side and may have blamed herself for not being needed by you. Just a speculation.

On the same token, she could have been more involved and sought medical and therapeutic advice with you... couples counselling and such.

That is a long time to let go of. If any part of her still has love for you, you have to do something phenomenal, and quite possibely out of character to win her back. You must right the wrongs... as many as humanly possible. There is no way that you are not on her mind 24/7. I believe she is forcing herself to move on because she feels completely alone in th relationship with you.

Love doesn't leave unless forced.

Just my perception from my own mistakes. Nothing personal.

I would not give up on her. You will not have closure until you resolve the issues at hand.

Best wishes to you.
 summer bliss
Joined: 2/16/2004
Msg: 6
How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 2/2/2005 8:08:02 PM
You don't.

You just learn to live with the fact that you've left behind a part of your heart that you can never reclaim.

People have hearts like mirrors... when it shatters, you try to pick up the pieces but you always end up missing a piece...you can't fix it the way it used to be and there's a crack somewhere...

You might find someone who has a piece that could patch up your mirror but it won't be a perfect fit anymore. Still, every little bit helps.

Take it day by day.
 Shattered
Joined: 12/1/2004
Msg: 7
How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 2/2/2005 8:52:40 PM
wow if there was a easy answer,, you know i have had women treat me like trash, hurt me, start stories, bad mouth me , just low nasty intentional hurtful things, the people say your crazy, even had one send me to jail for a stupid story she twisted to suit her, and you think i can let her go, nope i stil try to be in her life, and it is good for one day then she does it all over, i am not stupid, i know better but i just cant walk away.. but when i do she will lose the best person and friend she would ever want to have
 Paisley2
Joined: 12/24/2004
Msg: 8
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How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 2/2/2005 10:18:55 PM
Sweet Major Mike:

There is a saying from the I Ching (about 3,000 years old) which goes: Passion and reason cannot exist side by side.
Another one: What is not sought in the right way cannot be found.

I would interpret those in your case as being: when your heart hurts and you need to relieve the pain, you have to use your head not your heart.
And unless you try very hard to get practical and turn the page you will replay the loop in your heart over and over until it gets tiresome and you eventually move on.

In order to heal you will have to forgive your wife for not being able to hang in there for you, and you have to forgive yourself for the changes you experienced from your hellish times. People often say: God never gives us more than we can handle. I disagree. People often get way more than they can handle and they just have to face that they aren't Superhuman and they must do whatever they have to, to feel ok again. (within reason of course)

Your next task is to get your sweet mind in some order so that you can move on in your life with your heart in tact and your head held high and some optimism for your future. But first you have to WANT it. At the moment you will replay the pain again and again....but if you are your own best friend, you will cut the loop and look for that open door people always talk about....you know the one which opens when another closes?

There are no victims in life. We put every bump in the road on which we travel. The trick is to be a hero in our own story, and do the best we can with what we have, and learn to roll with the punches no matter how hard they may be. The alternative sucks.

My heart goes out to you and I've been there myself.....try to be with people and places and situations which are supportive of you...and build from there. You have to stop dwelling on the negative....in order to let the sun shine in your heart again. One day you will have the oddest feeling....and you won't know what to call it....but then realize...it's contentment.
Good luck sweet Mike.
 lone56wolf
Joined: 1/31/2005
Msg: 9
How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 2/2/2005 10:52:04 PM
Hopefully ... you never do. There was a reason you fell in love in the first place. You were a soldier (generic term) Do you recall how to separate the soldier from the man? Regress. Meditate. Cry like Hell, sometimes. Then, accept you cannot change the past ... but you can step into this here and now ... and be whole again. Then ... if you love someone ... give them their freedom. VFW posts can help out there....
 shadowwolf483
Joined: 3/25/2004
Msg: 10
How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 2/3/2005 4:19:33 AM
You never stop loving them but you move on sometimes they say things happen for a reason though it may take a long time or you may never know but it does.. I truly beleive that. When my husband died took me a while to come to grips to that.. I will always love him but this heart is bigger enough to let someone else in it.. but I will never stop loving him just need someone to make me feel complete, to laugh again to smile again.
 Amanda31323
Joined: 1/18/2005
Msg: 11
How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 2/3/2005 9:46:34 AM
that person will always be in your heart and on your mind...there is no way to get over them...and thats just the way it is i am told...i have just resently been through something like that..but not to your degree...im only 18 but my ex and i had been together since we were in the 8th grade..i thought that nothing could break us..so on the day after christmas (only after 1 day of being engaged)he said that he had somethings that he needed to tell me...he said that he hadn't been faithful to me in the past and had two children..his oldest a girl is now going to be turning 2 and the other one is now going to be 1 and its also a girl...well i was like ok i can forgive him for that but what was the real kicker was when he said wait, there is more...well to top things off he has two other women pregnant..one is 6 months and the other is 4 months...well that i couldnt forgive...so i know what your pain is like right now...i am kinna going through that very same kinna pain...so if you need anything just email me at mandadapanda_2005@yahoo.com and we can talk...i hope things work out for the best with you..just remeber that you have your daughter and thats all that matters...dont make it seem like this is her fault or has anything to do with her...stay strong and youll find love again..i promise...if i can do it so can you!
 MajMikeW
Joined: 10/9/2004
Msg: 12
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How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 2/3/2005 11:40:48 AM
buffalowardance,

You are right of course about intimacy being more then intercourse, I didn't mean it to come across that way. It is the mental intimacy which binds, and which we have lost.


paisley2 - Thank you for your kind words, I appreciate them very much.

Amanda31323 - Thank you too for your support, but I want to say to you that that boy is no good, you are better off without him. He has no respect for women, or himself for that matter.

Also, despite our problems, we have kept our daughter out of this mess. She knows we both love her more than anything else in the world, and that such love will never change. She just has two homes now, with room in both, and can go back and forth as she wishes (we do have a schedule, but we want her to feel 'in control' of it). Typically I get her Sun pm through Wed pm, with alternating weekends, but we are both flexible so she can visit other relatives, her friends, etc. I thank God our divorce is not a hateful thing like so many, and we have both worked hard to keep it civil, especially around her.

Thx to all for your support, I'm just not sure there is an answer.

MajMike
 summer bliss
Joined: 2/16/2004
Msg: 13
How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 2/3/2005 3:26:06 PM
Michael,

I'm glad you're both putting your daughter first --- it'll pay off when she's grown up about how her parents love her very much.

I've never been as hurt as you have been (seeing as I've never been in love enough to the point of marriage) but I do know that taking things day by day helps.

Step by step... it'll take you to a better place.

In the meantime, keep busy. That's one of the best things you can do so as not to dwell on things that'll drive you in a downward spiral.

I'm praying for you and your situation.
 briteeyess
Joined: 3/29/2003
Msg: 14
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How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 2/3/2005 4:04:06 PM
Because you truely loved her you will never stop...but with a hope in your heart and faith in all that is right, life will bring you that kind of deep love again..and perhaps next time it will be forever....I know what you are going thru and I wish for you the very best in your future...never give up in happiness..its out there for all of us to find.
 scott546
Joined: 1/18/2005
Msg: 15
How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 2/3/2005 4:16:00 PM
Hey I really feel for you so hang tough. My relationship was not nearly as long but I still go through spells when i miss her like hell but they come less often and last less as I find benefeits to being single like going anywhere anytime. I think I know but which hurt worse the woman or the war.
 crazycatlaady
Joined: 12/22/2004
Msg: 16
How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 2/3/2005 4:31:09 PM
time heals,, and maybe you will never stop loving her,, why do you have to? you had those wonderful years together, so cherish them, and move on and find love again with someone else,, the old cleche 'its better to have loved and lost...' well i believe it,,, love is something that we as humans want to do, we want to love someone, you dont have to stop loving her but maybe you have to love her from a distance,, does that make sense?,, me and my husband really truly love each other but we cant make it work, theres someone seriously flawed and we've tried everything, so do we have to stop loving each other? i dont think so, i think we just cant be togehter,, mabye the person you loved is gone, like you say you changed,, i dont know the circumstances but if you both tried to make it work you should try not to have any regrets and accept that its over,, but you can still love her,,
 MajMikeW
Joined: 10/9/2004
Msg: 17
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How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 2/3/2005 6:51:54 PM
Which hurt worse? The woman, big time.

I sort of knew what to expect with war, even though one can never be truly prepared for it. But I truly thought we were forever, the concept of divorce never crossed my mind. Now I wonder if we ever really had it, or was it just in my eyes? I try to believe, but the thought never leaves the back of my mind.

Her father and I became good friends, and he confided in me before he died that he would do so with comfort in the knowledge that I was taking care of his daughter, and could look after his wife and son (her brother is dependent). I really respected him, and it hurts to know that I have let him down.

I know that others go through this all the time, I just never saw it happening to us. Naive, I guess, but when I commit to something I mean it and I thought she did too. I guess the changes in me were more then she was prepared to deal with, and I readily admit that I am not the man she knew before. I just thought we were supposed to work it out, no matter what it took. Quiting wasn't an option, not to me.

Okay, enough self-pity for now.

MajMike

I just love this banana.
 joshwakelin
Joined: 8/21/2004
Msg: 18
How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 2/3/2005 7:02:27 PM
hey pal, i am just a young guy whos never been married but i have just been in a relationship that has ended and i know how much it hurts to lose love. Love is something that comes from your soul and when love hurts it hurts your soul, I too was good friends with Mellisa's parents and i still am and i saw in their eyes the pain when we split, we were together for a long time and even though she cheated on me I felt like I let them down. Be strong and know that time heals all wounds, only scars remain to remind us that love is fragile and meaningful and what to do next time.

Take care,
Josh
 Shattered
Joined: 12/1/2004
Msg: 19
How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 2/3/2005 8:52:52 PM
tonight I figured out how to stop loving some one, ,, when a person does something to hurt you , after you have had many discussions in th epast about it ans then the do it just to show that they can crush you thats the sign to move on dont look back, that happened to me tonight,,, her loss, i will bounce
 honey_kizzes
Joined: 9/30/2004
Msg: 20
How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 2/3/2005 9:11:24 PM
Ok this is just my thought but, ONCE you find yourself in love with someone, I dont think you ever completely let go of that love....no matter what happens you CAN NOT FALL OUT OF LOVE, only out of LUST....love is love no matter who, or where, time or place...I dont think you will ever stop loving this person, you may forget, and the pain may subside, and you will live again, but you will never stop loving someone.....
 Babylonia
Joined: 1/27/2005
Msg: 21
How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 2/3/2005 9:26:48 PM
Damn, I'm so sorry Mike. :(

In all honesty, I don't think you ever stop loving someone. Even if they were the worst match or dysfunctional. You always love them.

My Grandmother used to always say that in life, you give pieces of your heart away to people you meet along your journey. I always swore I would never do that, but it looks as though I gave my heart away to one person in particular.

I currently have collection agencies harrassing his a** to get it back.
 Phoenixx
Joined: 1/31/2005
Msg: 22
How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 2/3/2005 10:40:09 PM
You don't...

You simply, make them part of a you memories and move forward...
 elysium
Joined: 12/1/2004
Msg: 23
How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 2/4/2005 4:14:40 AM
Hey MajMikeW,

It so sad to read this. You went through some experience with war and it would have been difficult to share this with someone (who loves you and you love back) in a way that they understand.... some experiences have to be experienced to understand the trauma.... so maybe she could not or did not know how to understand the changed you.


It hurts when the other says they love you no more and you have no idea its coming..... I have been there and no doubt have others...

Time, patience and friends helped me heal (I did not have a child) that "love" I felt so strongly dimmed but it took time ..

Just remember be kind to you :=)
 a37064
Joined: 6/7/2004
Msg: 24
How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 2/4/2005 9:21:10 AM
Dear Mike,

Thank you for serving out country and for the sacrifice you made!

I could write a book as I try to respond so since I can't write a book, here are some thoughts for you.

1. You might want to go to a chiropractor for the headaches - I've seen chiropractors help.
2. Keep a diary of every thing you eat and drink for a couple of months. Watch how you feel that day and see if the headaches, etc. are triggered by certain foods. One friend did this and found she was allergic to coffee. She was deathly ill, the doctors couldn't find anything wrong. The diary helped her to single out coffee.

3. Depression can be a chemical imbalance or most commonly it is a result of our thinking processes. Many soldiers who were in Vietnam came back basket cases. Others who were POW's and kept isolated in holes came back in great shape mentally. We cannot choose what we have happen in our lives, but we can choose our responses to those events. The more we have a "poor me" attitude, the worse our depression becomes. I'm not saying you are doing this so don't take offense. If we become victims of our part - we tend to give up hope and spiral down. The thing that helped those who were in Vietnam was their attitude. A wonderful book that I want you to get is "The Worlds Greatest Salesman" by Og Mandino. Please get the book and apply those principles in your life.

4. As you begin your recovery process, your whole attitude will change. Make a list of all the benefits that resulted from your combat injurys. It may be tough, but put atleast 20 items on the list. You were a US soldier. You learn discipline. You are more sensitive to other soldiers who have been injured. Take time to list the benefits then think of the benefits rather than the bad things.

5. Eat healthy, get plenty of exercise. When you do positive things you will see your life change.

6. As hard as it is to love someone and not receive love in return, you must focus on you rather than the relationship. Once you are healthy emotionally, then you can seek to rebuild the relationship.

7. Right now, your relationship is a 0. When you encounter your wife, I would guess you are trying to pressure her and she pulls away even more. Stop with the pressure. When you see her, tell her how nice she looks. Keep it light. Expect nothing in return. That way you can be thankful for any response. Otherwise, if you are expecting her to jump for joy when you do something and she doesn't, then you will be disappointed, you will show disappoint which will be felt as pressure on the wife and she will pull away.

8. You may never stop loving her. Love always seeks the best for another. Right now, she feels it is best to be apart. You must respect that. It will only change if she sees you becoming that man that she fell in love with.

9. Most important of all is your faith. Pray and ask God to transform your life. Ask Him to make you the kind of man that your wife will be able to love. Trust God to change her heart. You will never do that alone.

10. The Bible says, sometimes the crooked path can not be made straight. Whatever happens is not up to you. You can choose your responses to lifes trials. If your wife never changes, you want to do all this for your emotional health. Then you will be ready for a new relationship in the future. Right now, you should date anyone. The new relationship would only end up in disaster.

11. If there are outside influences affecting your wife's decisions, family, friends or another man, ask God to bind that outside influence and bring her to you.

12. Sometimes, we have to go on with life and learn from the lessons. You can be an encourager to others who experience a broken relationship.

You will be in my prayers and if you need to talk further - give me an email.

Respectfully,

Tim
 shadesofgrey
Joined: 1/29/2005
Msg: 25
How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 2/4/2005 10:58:06 AM
The love stays in your heart because it is from knowing them and the things you did together. That stays and so do not stop loving her. Change how you think of love so it matches the situation. The relationship ends, and so now love is not what you live every day with her. Sometimes love is wanting the best for the other person even when it means you won't be with them anymore. For whatever reasons, she is free, and decides to move on.

Grief makes it hard to imagine a future. But this is a matter of perspective and changes with time. The emptiness where your relationship was needs to be filled with some other interest, or else it is the only thing you have to focus on. It is an adjustment to make and then life beomes a new adventure.
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