| I made a huge mistake
Posted: 3/23/2006 8:13:31 AM | | I made a huge mistake a few months ago. I pretty much moved in the man I was dating to my home. It was very very fast, like within weeks of starting to see each other. I have no idea why I did it. Maybe loneliness? Anyway....Previous to this relationship I had been in a 4 year relationship (not my childrens father) It ended really badly and when I met this new guy he seemed like a dream come true. About 2 weeks after he moved in, he told me he had a warrant out for his arrest and that he thought he should turn himself in, do his time and then be able to come back to me a free man and really make this relationship work. At this point I threw him out on his ass. I have a good career, and I have never been in trouble with the law so this totally freaked me out. Now here is the problem. My 7 year old son grew really attached to this man. I am not sure how or why, because he never grew this attached to the man I was with for 4 years, he liked him but it was never like this. He cried for two days when this guy left. He asks about him constantly, tells me he wants me to marry him so he could be his "real" dad (he has little to no relationship with his real father). I don't know what to do. The guy still wants to be with me, but has told me if I don't want him he still wants to see my son, take him fishing and stuff like that. I am really at a loss here for what to do. I am not even sure how I feel about this guy now that I know he has a criminal record (petty crimes but still) But of even more concern is do I let him continue to have a relationship with my son? | |
|
| |
| I made a huge mistake
Posted: 3/23/2006 8:28:11 AM | | Holy cow.....I won't even introduce my children to someone that fast....much less move them into my home. I would suggest using some common sense. Do what is in the best interest of your child. It might hurt right now...but it will probably be best for him in the future. | |
|
| I made a huge mistake
Posted: 3/23/2006 8:46:53 AM | tell him to turn himself in......you can't have your son around someone that the cops are looking for.....let him serve his time or whatever he has to do....by that time your son will have moved on....hopefully....and if not.....then this guy will prove his worth to your son by either forgetting about him or still wanting to see him.....
.....it's hard i know....my kid cried for my ex-boyfriend too...mind you it was 4 years....but i still allow him to see him and have playdates....
....in your case....if you choose to allow him to see him.....make sure you are there.....don't leave them alone.....and you can see too if he's sincere.....if his focus is on you then he ain't sincere and your son will hurt more.....
i feel for ya.... | |
|
| I made a huge mistake
Posted: 3/23/2006 8:54:42 AM | | I agree with Carol27. Never introduce your kids to anyone so fast, even if you are 99% sure he is the right one because there is always that 1% chance that can change everything. Your son will be fine though it may take him a little time to forget and heal again. I am sure he is not handling well why is mommy and daddy not being together and this man may have been like a daddy type for him. Make sure you give your son extra nurturing and attention it must be very hard for him. | |
|
| I made a huge mistake
Posted: 3/23/2006 10:23:43 AM | Not that it makes a huge difference since any warrant is serious... but what is the warrant for- did he even tell you? do you believe he's even telling you the truth?
Children become what they see for the most part, aside from a few independent thinkers, most children grow up to become somewhat similar to what their parents were. (not all, but majority) Do you want your son to grow up and think that breaking the law is acceptable behavior? And furthermore that lying and decieveing is acceptable, not only lying and deceiving you but also the government?
You made a big mistake, and now your son is paying the price. I'm not going to beat you over the head about it... but take this as a tough lesson that you should only have to learn once. Get rid of this guy pronto...there are plenty of non-criminal men out there who will be good to you and your children. | |
|
| I made a huge mistake
Posted: 3/23/2006 10:43:10 AM | | Erm I personally would go on your initial instinct the guy could have told u from the beginning or atleast b4 he moved in with u. He had no business involving himself with your child if he was in trouble with the law whether he was looking to hand himself in or not. I think yeah your son cried for 2 days but he is only 7 and I seriously doubt it will ruin his life hun. If I were u I would make a clean break. I certainly wouldn't let a guy I was dating continue to have a relationship with my child if we were no longer dating say u allowed this and then got with sum1 else it could cause allsorts of problems. My child's father is always in trouble with the law I'm glad he isn't around what an influence he would be to our child | |
|
| I made a huge mistake/DONT WE ALL
Posted: 3/23/2006 11:15:29 AM | | ALL I CAN SAY IS,FOLLOW YOUR HEART.WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES,AND IF YOU JUDGE THIS DUDE FOR HIS YOU MAY BE REALLY F****** UP! | |
|
| I made a huge mistake/DONT WE ALL
Posted: 3/23/2006 11:21:17 AM | I knew that was going to come up. I agree that people make mistakes and people can change. But its not like this guy told her he did time 5 years ago. He currently has a warrant out for his arrest!
If I were a single woman, I would follow my heart (assuming the warrant isnt for murder/rape/etc) and give him a chance. However, as a single MOTHER, she has an obligation to protect her children and this man is, IMO, too big of a risk. | |
|
| I made a huge mistake
Posted: 3/23/2006 12:13:51 PM | Boy oh boy what a mess...
1) I think deep down inside you really do know why you moved this guy in in just a few weeks. Own up to that!
2) You do know your gut feeling on how you feel about this guy! This is why you threw him out. Don't go back on your instinct.
3) Can't tell you what to do but if it were me he would not have access to my child ESPECIALLY if we weren't dating. Doesn't matter what he "wants", you are supposed to be the responsible parent so act like it.
Not trying to come down hard on you (honestly I'm not, just want to help) but you have to think next time. Don't be so quick to do things especially when your child/children are involved. It could have actually been a lot worse so be thankful that it's not. | |
|
| I made a huge mistake
Posted: 3/23/2006 3:04:22 PM | | What is the Warrant for? Still I wouldn't want someone like that around my kid. Convictions and court records are public info, so check it out and go from there. But in the mean time use your head and if you are Dumb borrow someone else's common sense and let them help you. | |
|
| I made a huge mistake
Posted: 3/23/2006 4:25:45 PM | | Ive read your message, and a few of the replies, what worries me is why does this guy want to hang around a 7 yo, is it a subtitute family situation or is it more, im sorry but that rings alarm bells to me , when he says even "if you dont want to go out with me can i take your son out to go fishing" I might just be paranoid, but it seems very strange to me. | |
|
| I made a huge mistake
Posted: 3/23/2006 5:14:04 PM | Totally agree, fozie.
Honey, this is your SON....be the responsible adult, and explain to your son on HIS level why this man had to leave. What were to happen if you allow this man to take your son, and he gets pulled over and taken away for the warrant that he knows he has but didn't turn himself in for? How horribly traumatic would it be for your son to see him get handcuffed and tossed in the back of a police car, and the police department trying to contact you? Your son would sit at the station, wondering when and if you were going to get him? Open your eyes....this is your son, and now is when you need to lay the foundation from which he will build his character.
And, besides that, letting this man carry on with your son might be interpreted by him as though some day later down the road things might work out.....and if you don't want that, letting him spend time with your son is reinforcing a "reconciliation" in his mind.
Do the right thing, cut this man out of your life and find what you and your son truly deserve....happiness. | |
|
SWSW
|
Joined: 3/1/2006
Msg: 14 | |
| I made a huge mistake
Posted: 3/23/2006 5:20:53 PM | | Hm, that's a tough situation. You need to do some introspection and decide whether or not you can have a relationship with someone that has been in trouble with the law. Personally, I couldn't. Because from my past experience when you are around those kind of people trouble always follows. I don't see why he couldn't see your son, as long as it was supervised or on your terms. This is really a tough situation, so you are going to have to look in both your heart and your brain and think about what not is best for you, but also your son. | |
|
| I made a huge mistake
Posted: 3/23/2006 5:55:25 PM | I'm not going to preach to you because your disclaimer is "I made a huge mistake". The fact that you realize this is a huge relief.
OP  | |
|
| I made a huge mistake
Posted: 3/23/2006 6:02:58 PM | | give me a break petty crimes who are you to judge people we all have a past so it doesnt fit into your perfect little close minded world poor you. reading that pissed me off get a life. | |
|
| I made a huge mistake
Posted: 3/23/2006 6:26:33 PM | What matters is why he had a warrant out for his arrest.
It could be some-thing as stupid as he did not pay a court imposed fine, or, he could be dangerous.
Only you know that, so you have to provide particulars if you want genuine help from strangers looking in.
As for him bonding with your son; Again, not enough particulars. He could be a genuine guy who likes your child, or, he could be a wacko.
Normally this is why people take the time to really get to know some-one before they move in with them. But don't sweat it, many people have moved to fast, I know I have, in the past.
At least you realize you made a mistake.
As for the people on here jumping up and down and screaming about a warrant.....
Don't jump to conclusions. Warrants can be nothing or they can be serious. Apparently a few of you have never had any dealings at all with the law and generalize a tad to fast.
Ex; When I was nineteen years old I got an impaired charge, I was issued a $300.00 fine by the judge upon conviction and did not pay it on time. There was a warrant issued for my arrest.
Dumb? of course the impaired it-self was dumb, then not paying a court imposed fine on time, very dumb.
Does that make me a dangerous predator you should hide your children from?
Obviously not.
Why the warrant is there is key, not the warrant it-self.
And I can say I know people with criminal records id trust around my son more then some who don't have a record at all.
The circumstances and the timing of the conviction(s) are key.
Don't assume he is a threat until you have all the facts.
| |
|
icalla
|
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 18 | |
| I made a huge mistake
Posted: 3/23/2006 6:29:14 PM | I'm with Mel on this one...
It's not so much the petty crimes, as that he LIED. Moved in on false pretenses. Mind you, I'm not likely to let anyone like that into my son's life again (Dad had some run-ins, I forgave them, and look where I ended up!).
Either way, yet another reason to keep our kids out of our dating lives. | |
|
| I made a huge mistake
Posted: 3/31/2006 1:27:25 AM | I so understand the dilemma you are going through in your life right now. I believe you were honestly lonely and after ending a long term relationship you were scared. That is so normal. If your heart was kind you would not even know the devastation that was to come.
The major concern is the lies and the coverup. It sounds like his whole agenda was to move in to your home and beguile you. This says nothing against you, but now your precious child is involved. Remember you are not to be your sons best friend--- you are his blood -- his parent. Getting him to adulthood and being a successful man in all the ways looked upon highly is your calling. You are so blessed to have this experience. Be so strong-- I know as I also left a relationship a year ago now after 3 years who I had loved so deeply.
The relationship was a lie- and I was fortunate to have seen the light and save my life. Please do not become a statistic --- it is not even what he did if it was petty it was his lying. This shows you the truth----- so pay attention. | |
|
| I made a huge mistake
Posted: 3/31/2006 5:46:21 AM | well, how can i say it... lets lay down the facts first: you say you used to love him and everything felt right. you say you made a mistake. you are concerned about your carreer. he would like to do fun stuff with your son.
lets start the other way arround...
any dad loves to do fun stuff with the sons except if they dont like kids and just try to impress the mom. lets put it at this point just so far that he maybe loves the kids and keep in mind that he might be as well just using your son to get closer to you.
i dont know about the crime scene or law enforcement and what happens when, but i think that if its minor crimes, like not paying your parking tickets, not coming to court, minor assault,... little things like that the warrent is to get him to court and have a judge deciding over it all together at once. it doesnt mean that he will go to jail right away, he may gets away with a probation. it depends on what he did and why he did it, also how he feels about it today.
moving in i think was too early, however i did that twice and both times it went wrong.
look, he told you, he wants you to forgive him. you only say what nice things he does for your son. is he doing the same thing to you? have you asked yourself about the 'me' part?
i'd say wait until he has sorted out his life. got rid of the past, found a job and a place to stay (besides yours). date him during that time, spend as much time together as you would like to. with and without your son. take him to the fishing trip and find out if he ignores you or only can take care of your son or the both of you. make yourself clear that you are not looking for a primer caregiver for your son, you are looking for someone you would like to spend the rest of your life with.
are you that much in love or was it just a huge mistake?
hope that'll help a little,
greetings
kai | |
|
| I made a huge mistake
Posted: 8/26/2007 9:33:59 AM | | Wow well ask yourself if you would even consider this, if you weren't lonley you will find your answer, you based the entire connection off of false information, I couldn't imagine trying to start a relatinoship with a lady I want to get old with when inside I know the cops are looking for me let alone work the kid angle on you should be another flag, just be weary lil lady listen to your maternal instinct you have been given it for a reason, sorry to hear about your heart ache, but your not alone I feel empty everytime I come home to the empty house cause my kids live with their mom so you have a comfort level there at least ....has to be rough chin up lil lady no worries! | |
|
| I made a huge mistake
Posted: 8/26/2007 10:51:32 AM | | Lonely is no excuse for stupidity. You son is young and will get past this and hopefully you will wise up. As far as the guy is concerned he was dishonest, a poor role model and a danger to your family. Any questions? | |
|
| I made a huge mistake
Posted: 8/26/2007 1:32:30 PM |
As far as the guy is concerned he was dishonest, a poor role model and a danger to your family. Any questions?
Yeah, how do you know he was a danger to anyone? Nice assumption.
She didn't say why he had a warrant. Could have been for unpaid fines, or petty theft, or something else that might be stupid, but not dangerous.
I will agree with you that its bad he was dishonest, but nothing the O/P said indicated he was dangerous. Quite the opposite, he wants to be involved with a young boy when he is not his biological father. That shows he has some sort of character.
Is he a good role model? Initial assumption would be no. But if he is seriously wanting to turn his life around and do whats right, he might end up being the best role model for the little guy there is. I would need more information then what has been provided to judge that.
O/P; I wouldn't completely write him off until you know for sure either way what kind of character he might be. People make mistakes. Smart people learn and evolve from their errors. | |
|
| I made a huge mistake
Posted: 8/26/2007 1:41:28 PM | Is your son really upset about this guy or is he upset at the pattern of men coming into his life and leaving? I would suggest you get him involved in a program that partners boys with suitable role models...Like big brothers or team sports. How about uncles, grandfathers, good family friends...someone that will be consistant throughout his life.
I think if this guy kept something pretty important like warrants from you makes it hard to trust him in regards to you. Never mind in regards to your child. | |
|
| I made a huge mistake
Posted: 8/26/2007 1:54:07 PM | There are a lot of things here that would factor into my answer, like what the warrant is for.
1-I would tell this guy that you can't consider a future with him for you or for your son until he takes care of his obligations to the state (or whatever). Stress that to be involved with your son, he needs to be a role model and owning up to his own mistakes is a big issue.
2-Explain to your son that this man has to leave for a while to take care of some business. And that no one has a crystal ball to say what the future will have in place when that business is done.
3-If after his time is done and he wants to come back, take it slow and conservative.
You made a mistake with the haste of this relationship and this man made some mistakes in his past. Neither of you can undo the mistakes, all you can do is learn not to repeat them.
Your last question, about him having a relationship with your son - not unless you decide to have a relationship with him. My kids do not have relationships with people unless one of their family is also involved (usually their mom or dad), at some level. | |
|
Home
login 
