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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 3/23/2006 2:24:01 PM | Ok, here's some information I have gathered about second chances. Now, understand that even under ideal conditions, the odds of a second chance actually working is about 5%. The odds go up, however, if you keep the following information in mind.
(Disclaimer: I'm not a relationship expert. I will say that I have read, studied, talked to countless "so called experts" and see first hand what works and what doesn't. There is no guarantee if you following my guideline you will win your ex back. Some people are able to move on from a failed relationship quite easily, others are not. These are my theories (and theories from others) and as such, will have variations depending upon the circumstances.)
1. LET GO: Yes, I said LET GO. No matter how much you love and care for your ex, as long as you stay attached to them and are hoping/praying for a second chance, you will not follow the rest of the guideline and heal completely unless you first truly let go. The reason for this is allow your heart to heal, to focus on self-reflection and improvement and to get your mind and body in a state of happiness. No second chance will work if you are still pining and miserable over losing your ex.
2. NO CONTACT: That means exactly what it says. For the first month or two, you must never contact your ex under any circumstances. If you do, you will have to start the process over again. That means no emails/text/drunk dialing, etc. Now, that doesn't mean if they contact you that you should never reply (chose wisely) but if you do, make sure to keep any replies short, sweet and to the point. Take your time before replying, even several days. It's good to sleep on an email before replying so you have a clear head and are not replying with a ton of emotion. Never discuss the relationship during your healing phase and above all, DO NOT STALK YOUR EX. Do not try and find information about them. Whatever is going on in their life, you can't handle the information right now. Stay away from their web pages, blogs, etc. Don't talk to mutual friends (trust me, they will share any negative comments) Ignorance is bliss. Don't focus on who they are with and what they are doing. It will only torture you. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and while they may be living it up with the new person in their life, chances are it's a rebound for them as well. It may take up to six months to a year for their new person's bad side to show through. In the meantime if you screw it up by clinging to them, bad mouthing them or otherwise stalking them, you will only serve to push them away even further. If you share a child with an ex, complete NC will be hard. Any conversations with your ex should focus on the child(ren) and remain, short, sweet and to the point. Absolutely no talk about the relationship. Remember that any conversations with your ex should be a pleasurable one. That is what they will remember. If you are constantly arguing with them or otherwise trying to cling to them and force them back to you, you will make it a painful experience and that is what they will associate with you. Happy/Fun/Pleasurable is good. Arguing/Clinging/Whining/Crying is very, very bad.
3. DO NOT BE FRIENDS: It is impossible to be friends with someone you are deeply in love with. It just won't work. All it will do is show your ex that you will accept second class treatment (in which any respect you had at that point from them will be lost). In addition it will delay your healing process. The longer you cling to hope, the longer it will take for you to truly let go and complete the healing process. I realize to some degree this is counter to your goal, winning them back, but is essential. Your ex doesn't want you all broken and shattered. Have you ever met someone on the rebound and dated them? If so, it probably didn't last long as you saw yourself feeling sorry for them. Their lack of confidence and self-respect is not attractive. Respect precedes love and you can not respect someone who doesn't respect themselves first. Also keep in mind you can not expect someone to love someone who doesn't love themself. And you can not make someone happy if you can not make yourself happy. Remember, all the good/healthy feelings you want your ex to feel about you will only come if you feel them about yourself first - and believe it.
4. FOCUS ON YOU: Allow for the normal grieving process, of course. How long it takes it completely dependent on you. The period of NO CONTACT will go a long way toward helping you focus on yourself and your healing. It doesn't matter what your ex is doing right now or who they are seeing. You need to let go of things you have no control over and unfortunately in your case, you are no longer dating so all you have left is you.
5. RE-ACQUAINT YOURSELF WITH FRIENDS: Pick up your phone book or email list and start making contact with friends you haven't hung out with lately. Get out of the house and go hang out with them. Right now you're feeling down and out and a little quality time with your friends will go a long way towards healing your spirit. Do talk about the relationship with them if you wish, but don't dwell on it. If they are friends with your ex, realize anything you say (good or bad) will get back to them. Focus more on what they did to get over and ex and listen to any positive advice they give you. Primarily though you want to invest the time with friends to get your mind OFF your ex and more on fun and bonding. Make new friends as well.
6. GET TO THE GYM: It's a proven fact that no drug works better at getting someone out of depression faster than endorphins. I do not believe the old adage "The best way to get over someone is to get UNDER someone else." If your head is not in the right place, some meaningless sex will only make you miss the ex even more. While you have the feeling of being lonely, sex isn't the answer. At least not right now. Companionship is what you are missing and in the interim, talk to you friends and work out.
7. DIVE INTO HOBBIES: Now that you have some free time on your hands, rather than sitting around at home feeling sorry for yourself, engage your mind. Do something you've always wanted to do as a hobby. Fly model airplanes, take up hiking or mountain climbing, start biking, take a college course in computers, play video games. Your mind can usually only focus on one thing at one time. Keeping your mind engaged on hobbies will take it off your ex.
8. PUT THE DRINK/DRUGS DOWN: Yes, it's ok to occasionally go out with friends and have a drink, but don't over-do it. Drinking heavily leads to depression which will not only delay your healing process, but quite possibly throw you into an un-recoverable downward spiral. Not only that but it will put you out of shape and you will lose any gains from working out.
9. REBUILD YOUR CONFIDENCE AND SELF-ESTEEM: It's normal to be dumped and have your self-esteem and confidence take a hit. Those who recover the fastest are those who have the strongest self of self-worth. Many relationships end in failure and not all of us were meant to be together. The sooner you realize this, the sooner you focus on your needs and rebuild your confidence and self-esteem, the sooner you will recover - and be stronger.
10. UNDERSTAND WHAT WENT WRONG: Instead of focusing on what your Ex did to cause the demise of the relationship, focus on learning a lesson and improving where you can. If you became clingy, then rebuild your confidence. Understand that you don't NEED someone in your life. You can and will live fine without them. You must never NEED someone, only want them. I can not emphasize personal improvement enough. Almost every aspect of our life in regards to success can be directly attributed to our confidence and self-esteem. At healthy levels, we will find much success in everything we do. When the levels are below healthy, we often find failure. Not because of the situation, but because of how we viewed ourselves. If you are a clingy guy, some essential reading: "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and any of "David DeAngelo's" stuff. Pay less attention to the pickup lines and focus on his insistence on confidence and self-esteem. He's dead right on everything he says in regards to confidence. Remember boys: No woman respects a man who constantly kisses her ass. The same can be said of women. If you kiss a mans ass, he will lose interest in you quickly. You must have mutual respect for each other and that can not be had with ass-kissing.
11. LEARN BOUNDARIES: Boundaries are essential for anyone with healthy confidence, self respect and self-esteem. Learn to make boundaries clear from the start of a relationship and have repercussions for crossing them. When you set a boundary, it is imperative for you to follow through on your actions. If you make it clear to someone you are dating that if they say they are going to meet you somewhere at a certain time and don't, make it clear it better not happen again. People whom you allow to cross your boundaries with no repercussions will lose respect for you and continue to cross them. Remember again, RESPECT PRECEDES LOVE. Without respect, there can not be love. Read "Love Must Be Tough" for more information on boundaries and why they are essential. Boundaries are not just for relationships. They are essential at home, at work and throughout your life.
12. NEVER TELL YOURSELF NO ONE WILL LOVE YOU: That's a self-defeatist attitude that not only will keep you down, but is just outright WRONG. There is someone out there that will love you in the way you want. You just have to find them. And you certainly won't find them if you are wallowing in self-doubt and pity. Pick yourself up by your bootstraps! You have plenty to live for and while no one likes to go through a bad breakup, it's almost an essential part of life. How else are you going to learn the lessons of love without going through the hard knocks? Trust me, as long as you learn something from the relationship and self-improvement you are almost guaranteed greater success the next time. You will have learned valuable lessons to guide your future relationships. And, if you have rebuilt your confidence and self-esteem you will naturally attract those with the same qualities. Remember (especially guys) that attraction while initially might be based on looks will never last without you have strong confidence and self-esteem. However, you can attract and keep a great woman in your life without having great looks, as long as you do have strong confidence and self-esteem.
13. ACCEPT THAT SOME THINGS JUST AREN'T MEANT TO BE: Keep in mind that you may follow this guideline to a "T" and in the end and still the may never come back. Some people are just not meant to be together. But don't get discouraged. Use this experience to guide all future relationships. How much do you love your ex? Do you love them enough to want them to be happy even if it's not with you? To me, that is the true test of love. Not only do you love them unconditionally, warts and all, but that you want them to be happy with or without you. There is someone out there for you, but until your confidence and self-esteem is at healthy levels, until your life is full of happiness and fun, until you realize that you have to be happy before you can make anyone else happy, you won't find them. People with all those positive attributes don't have to look for a mate, they usually find them ;)
Best of luck to you all! | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 3/23/2006 3:15:41 PM | My ex just broke up with me on March 1, 11 days before our 1 year. I was in total shock cause everything was going so well, we never fought, we clicked in everyway. He told me that he is messed up, he needs to be by himself, and i didn't do anything at all. He cried, i cried, he told me that things were going too fast and that he needs time. I have never felt pain like this before, it's so hard not to pick up the phone and call him. Deep down inside i'm still holding on to some hope, but i try to make myself busy. It's been three weeks and he has not even attempted to call me. What hurts is that it's so easy for him to cut me off completely. I think he got freaked cause he heard from someone that i mentioned, in one year a man should know if he wants to be with someone of not...
I have this gut feeling that he'll call, and that maybe he really got scared. I have stopped crying and started to focus more on myself and doing things (like started a course) for myself. Started to go out more... but it's those nights that kill, thinking of him, wondering if he is thinking of me. So reading your message really made me think that the only thing i really need to do focus on is myself, and not wait around for him.. If he comes back that's great but i don't want him to think i'm only sitting around crying over him. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 3/23/2006 3:23:18 PM |
My ex just broke up with me on March 1, 11 days before our 1 year. I was in total shock cause everything was going so well, we never fought, we clicked in everyway. He told me that he is messed up, he needs to be by himself, and i didn't do anything at all. He cried, i cried, he told me that things were going too fast and that he needs time. I have never felt pain like this before, it's so hard not to pick up the phone and call him. Deep down inside i'm still holding on to some hope, but i try to make myself busy. It's been three weeks and he has not even attempted to call me. What hurts is that it's so easy for him to cut me off completely. I think he got freaked cause he heard from someone that i mentioned, in one year a man should know if he wants to be with someone of not...
I have this gut feeling that he'll call, and that maybe he really got scared. I have stopped crying and started to focus more on myself and doing things (like started a course) for myself. Started to go out more... but it's those nights that kill, thinking of him, wondering if he is thinking of me. So reading your message really made me think that the only thing i really need to do focus on is myself, and not wait around for him.. If he comes back that's great but i don't want him to think i'm only sitting around crying over him.
Follow my guideline to a T. If you do, your chances for a reconcilliation will greatly improve.
One thing that may give you some hope is it is more likely for men to come back to women than women to come back to men.
The simple reason for that is women tend to take their time and come to the conclusion to end the relationship with men after much, much thought. Men to do it off the cuff without thinking things through and as such, are more likely to admit they made a mistake.
Women have a much stronger support structure than men. Women have friends that validate their decision. Men don't tend to talk about relationships to the degree women do. That's another reason women tend to stick to their decisions.
Women usually tend to come back to men having been dumped, not the dumper. (thrill of the chase, folks!)
When women are the dumper, odds are they are satisfied with their decision.
Work on the things I mention in the guide. Remember, time is your ally, not your enemy. If your love is true, it will be patient. If it is selfish, it will not. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 3/24/2006 12:56:30 PM | | Great advice! That pretty much wraps it up in a page. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 3/29/2006 8:25:44 PM | Jarbarian - for such a young guy you certainly have your head on straight. Most 30-something guys haven't anything close to that kind of maturity.
EXCELLENT advice!! Good work!! | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 3/29/2006 9:00:53 PM |
When women are the dumper, odds are they are satisfied with their decision.
Cool thread til you mentioned that. That just depressed me all that much more.
What we had was good, and i still to this day don't understand what caused her to back out of the relationship. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 3/29/2006 9:08:17 PM | Thanks all for the kind words.
Robby, that's not to say they never come back. If you follow the guide you'll set yourself up to be successful should she want to give it another go. If not, you will be standing tall for the next wonderful woman to come your way :) | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 3/30/2006 4:33:21 AM | What about a 3rd chance? I was together with my bf for 2 years, we broke up for 3 weeks, 9 months in. He broke up wit me, then asked to get back together. He recently broke it off again, should I even try?
It would definately be worth it if it works in my opinion, hes an incredible person.
Whatcha think? | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 3/30/2006 8:23:25 AM |
What about a 3rd chance? I was together with my bf for 2 years, we broke up for 3 weeks, 9 months in. He broke up wit me, then asked to get back together. He recently broke it off again, should I even try?
It would definately be worth it if it works in my opinion, hes an incredible person.
Without knowing the details of why you broke up the first two times it would be hard to tell.
Can you give me the "Reader's Digest" version of the story? | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 3/30/2006 4:12:15 PM | Alright sorry I'm bein a bit lame I know.
When we met it honestly wasn't dating or ne thing, we were hot for each other and over time we began to fall for each other. He became my bf, and we spent a lot of time together, we have a lot in common. We never lived together, always had our own independant lives, but usually saw each other 3 or 4 times a week.
'Bout 9 months in, he told me he wanted to break up. We did for three weeks, and then he asked me if he could come back. Our relationship was different the second time around, actually I would say better. We got to know each other so much better, and realised how much we have in common.
We were together for about 12 months, until just a few weeks ago. He said he could imagine himself being wit me forever, but he doesn't know if this is love, and hes really confused. He cried, I cried, and broke up wit me (ended up staying the nite ne way, lol, he said he thought i wud appreciate spending a last nite together, nways what ya think?!?) Honestly, he's like no person I've ever met, and not wanting to blow my own horn, but I know there are things that he feels he could never get from anyone else. He says he wants to stay friends, and we have been emailing back and forth a bit.
Nways, I really miss him (maybe another important piece of info is that we were both each others first serious relationship), I dunno if he wants to play the field and see whats out there. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 3/30/2006 4:41:08 PM | Seems to be some prob. wif POF, not sure why it wont post my comments
ne ways, im 19, my ex is 22 | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 3/30/2006 5:26:32 PM | I guess the reason I am so confused is because there were no deal-breakers that I could see. There may be some things that I've missed, but I think overall we had a great relationship. Maybe it was physical, hes certainly better looking than I am, and he could really be with anyone he wants.
What does it mean when a guy says, "I care about you so much, I could even see us being together forever, I just really don't know if this is love"? Is he saying he really doesn't/didn't love me or is he saying he really doesn't know (I guess its probbly hard to know if you've never been in love before)? | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 3/30/2006 5:52:30 PM | | Wow, that is a great post jarbarian. I actually copied and saved it to a word doc. I'm going through a hard break up up right now and this is helpful even for those of us that don't want a 2nd chance. I'm sure anyone that has suffered or is suffering heartbreak will find this very valuable. Thanks for taking the time to post it, I'm certain I'll need to look back on it in the future as well! | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 3/30/2006 6:27:53 PM | | Personally I NEVER give second chances. My theory is, once it's over, it's over...tough, regardless who was at fault. I have broken that rule once seriously, and it ended in more heartache. I will stick to my policy from here on...... | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 3/30/2006 6:53:39 PM | | Thats probly a very smart policy, ur right that second chances cam mean heartache. I guess its not a great idea to prolong that. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 3/30/2006 9:15:52 PM | If you are with the right person, there will never be a need for a second chance in the first place.
Some excellent suggestions there, and they closely followed my experience after my divorce.
I agree - never look back. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 3/30/2006 9:54:21 PM | It wud be good to hear what ya think Jarbarian.
For the guy above ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ I know one couple that broke up about a year into their relationship, they ended up giving it another go, and 7 years and two kids later they are one of the happiest couples I know.
I guess it really depends on the situation. | |
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