| the best friend syndrome, can't go out because we're "friends" only
Posted: 3/24/2006 11:02:55 AM | boo i felt i needed to rant about my unrequited love of 6 years
Let me explain to you how my life has been. It seems that if ever I meet a really nice girl and I hang out with her all the time that we become friends and not anything more like dating. This has actually only happened to me once where I loved my friend whom I'd known for 6 years. She was usually dating someone else but during the time period that we were both single, I let her know my feelings for her, she replied that to be friends is all that's possible. If we were dating, we might break up. Since then I've needed a lot of time to get over that and to stop thinking about her all the time. I wish she had told me something different, like she liked me but not in that way. Or something as simple as I need time, etc. But she had to say that she did like me sexually but would never sleep with me to not ruin our friendhsip. After hearing that Ididn't really want to be friedns with her anymore. Other people I've kept in touch with and been friends with there was no spark. I don't know what it is, the fact taht we get drunk together and cuddle and be close but don't kiss. other girls there's no spark. and some girls you just fall head over heels for. i know most of her friends feel about her the same way. they all want to be her boyfriend adn she leavesthem hanging
anyone have this experience? and now that I've just joined this site she's telling me all these girls are sluts wearing low-cut shirts and what not. Would i want a skank that's slept with god knows how many ppl and disease ridden, etc
damn iono what to do. do i keep hanging out with her and cuddling and breaking my heart
do i say "too late, you had her chance" i can't live like this
ity's a dilemma. her exact words were "nadim my relationships ahve all been trainwrecks and if I lost touch wtih you I don't know what I'd do, i'd be devastated" because she knows i never contact ex-gfs and i'd rather move on than fix somethign broken. i'm a scorpio, i don't forgive easily i either love intensely or i'm miserable
it used to affect me earlier because in september i'd go out on a date and all i could think about was her
i could have slept with her adn been more intimate but i didn't want to betray her trust for the sake of one night when we were both hammered
the truth is i can't afford to lose her as a friend but i can't stand to think of the thought jthat she's dating other guys and such.
fortunately we both travel a lot so it's like 2 months of the year we're together. she's in greece this may and we keep in touch, phone, say things like we miss each other like crazy and relate love stories, dates, etc.
I love her because after 6 years I've found her to be a wonderful caring sweet person that buys me expensive gifts ($150+) and I just can't keep up this sham of pretending we'r ejust friends. we can't even hold hands. my heart is not made of stone. | |
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| the best friend syndrome, can't go out because we're friends only
Posted: 3/24/2006 11:15:11 AM | If you're only together two months out of the year, what kind of relationship would that be anyway? And if you love her because she buys you expensive gifts, then that is not really love.
Sounds like you need to get out and meet some new women....
JJ
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| the best friend syndrome, can't go out because we're friends only
Posted: 3/24/2006 11:26:37 AM | Umm ok so you love her because of the gifts? Friendship is the ultimate gift.
I have a girl friend of 12 years. I liked her when i first met her, working in the same building then. We got past that and have an awesome friendship that I would not trade ever.
I think the world of her and she thinks the world of me. Best is when we get into some good arguements over things. After 12 years we know one another better than ourselves at times it is a laugh.
But never has she or i bought one another expensive gifts. | |
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| the best friend syndrome, can't go out because we're friends only
Posted: 3/24/2006 12:57:37 PM | i'm with felinessa on this one. Here's why i think your "friend" doesn't want more than that:
ity's a dilemma. her exact words were "nadim my relationships ahve all been trainwrecks and if I lost touch wtih you I don't know what I'd do, i'd be devastated" because she knows i never contact ex-gfs and i'd rather move on than fix somethign broken. i'm a scorpio, i don't forgive easily i either love intensely or i'm miserable
She fears you'd break up with her soon after you two started a relationship beyond friendship.
I think whatever she's told you has been refracted by your reality. It certainly sounds like you cannot be the 'friend with benefits' sort, so regardless of her moral code it looks like she's afraid of losing a good thing.
The way to deal with the situation is use your expereience with her as a guide - a standard - for how and whom you 'date'...I don't think she was being overly jealous when she critiqued the 'sluts' on POF. There's alot of psychotic lowlifes her interested in cheap ego boosts. There's hidden gems though so keep the faith! | |
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| the best friend syndrome, can't go out because we're friends only
Posted: 3/25/2006 1:13:08 PM | I know it sounded like a rant and a complaint but the subject is in the form of a more general theme of going out wtih your friends.
Sorry you misunderstood about the presents, I shouldn't have mentioned them, I'd rather I didn't receive that sort of thing to be honest
I'm glad to read your responses it made me rethink my feelings and I feel better.
At that time in my life I did need to get out more, I was taking more of a sheltered attitude not making new friends and I shouldn't blame her for anything.
what I want to write isn't probably what you'd want to read but all i can say is that lately i have thought what a pessimist attitude i've had and to applaud her actions rather than be bitter.
hormones are intense feelings and impair normal judgement. especially when both people are single. plentyoffish has taught me there are many opportunities. I wish I had heard of this website earlier, it's a really fun place
you're right she was never leading me on. friendships between males and females are typically fragile | |
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| the best friend syndrome, can't go out because we're friends only
Posted: 3/27/2006 5:06:09 PM | I know exactly how you feel. I have known my best friend for only a year but it seems like I have known him all my life. I love him so much, we do alot of things together, his family treats me like I'm part of their family and my family loves him too. We are always there for each other. He's not dating anyone and neither am but i can't bring myself to tell him I want to be more than friends because of the fear of losing the frienship I have with him. It took alot of courage to tell your friend how you feel, but you didn't prepare yourself for diappointment either. If she is into you the way you are with her then the only thing you can do is let her make the next move. And if she would rather be friends then you have to learn how to accept it. If you love her then you'll want to keep her even if it means just friends.
Best of Luck 
OneLove | |
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| the best friend syndrome, can't go out because we're friends only
Posted: 3/27/2006 5:29:05 PM | Honestly you need to get over this one. Once you have been cast into the "friends zone" you don't climb out! Listen up to that message very clearly. Women don't suddenly decide after six years like waking up from some bad dream that your lover material. They make this decision usually within the first few times of meeting you and it rarely changes.
Your biggest mistake with her was being a friend. You entered into a relationship with her when she already had a man. She was crying on your shoulder when she broke up with her man and you listened and became her new best friend. You hold her and don't make advances to be more than friends because your afraid? No wonder your friend material.
Oh but she tells you not to meet sluts on the internet right? THat must mean she likes you? Wrong! It means she is probably either a good friend and wants to see whats best for you because she dosen't know any better herself or she's controlling. This does not mean she likes you more than her best friend. I tell my best friend when I think she is messing up or if something is leading her astray.
Of course you tell each other you miss each other your best friends I do the same thing with my best friend but I don't sleep with her. Don't read into this more than what is or what ever will be and that my friend is "just friends"
I really suggest that you start over with someone new who a)isn't attatched at the time of meeting and 2)you can actually have a chance of being see as more than her brother. | |
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| the best friend syndrome, can't go out because we're friends only
Posted: 3/27/2006 6:21:14 PM | The only way to find what you want is to find something that's really, really close, but not it. I think that's the lesson, here. What y'all have is something beautiful -- Platonic even (in the true sense of the word) -- but it is not love. So treasure it, but look for love elsewhere. A lot of us real guys have women who have been like that in our lives. They enable us to know a catch when we find one.
Think of it this way, too, if it helps. At least you didn't go out with her for 6 years and then find out that she wasn't the one!
And don't listen to folks that say you screwed up by being her friend. If you hadn't, you would have missed out on all the good times you've had.
~Aurora | |
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| the best friend syndrome, can't go out because we're friends only
Posted: 3/27/2006 7:01:27 PM | It worked for Monica and Chandler!!
In some rare cases, people who are meant to be, begin as freinds. She cares enough not risk losing you. Although, cuddling is a bit weird. I mean, my best chick-friend and I tickle and wrestle and junk, but not cuddling. We've actually slept together, but it didn't ruin anything. In fact, we got that out of our system and became better friends.
I say cherish what you have with her. Find someone like her. Its obvious she has the qualities that attract you. And for gods sake, stop cuddling. To her, its comfortable. To you and "Johnny", it aint good. That's two steps back. | |
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| the best friend syndrome, can't go out because we're friends only
Posted: 3/28/2006 4:07:08 AM | Dudes, I'd read what jesie stated VERY carefully.
If a dude is single and available, is introduced to a woman for the first time, generally he'll know within a minute or two if he'll be attracted to that woman. If you are attracted to her and you find out she is NOT available, DO NOT BEFRIEND HER. If she ever becomes available, you WILL NOT be even the slightest blip on her love radar. You could be the best thing since sliced bread and she won't give you the time of day.
As paradoxical as this sounds, guys if you want to have ladies for friends, you should NOT be attracted to those ladies. Your mental energy won't be wasted on fruitless endeavors. | |
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| yeah
Posted: 3/28/2006 9:54:30 PM | Very true. The main reason I posted is that it took so long to get over it. I agree it was worth it to meet her be her friend and continue to be her friend but not to be backup man.
It's my fault, I need more control over my heart-strings | |
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| yeah
Posted: 3/28/2006 10:23:22 PM | | I think knowing how to control your "heart strings" is a good idea, but don't put them under too much control, or all the spontaneaity will be lost. Trust your heart but don't let it dominate you. Try to make sure that you don't become the guy who always gets trapped in the "friend zone", be assertive otherwise you will end up frustrated time after time. | |
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| the best friend syndrome, can't go out because we're friends only
Posted: 3/29/2006 12:26:45 AM |
I love her because after 6 years I've found her to be a wonderful caring sweet person that buys me expensive gifts ($150+)
this is no love for her its her cash.. I have a friend that I have known for some many many years she too buys me expensive gifts (cars, bikes, houses) and I do love her as my friend. I can keep anything I want but money has no real meaning for me..all items are donated to help differant foundations for differant reasons.... man your just greedy | |
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| the best friend syndrome, can't go out because we're friends only
Posted: 3/29/2006 8:52:31 AM | Loveistime:
You are a classic "nice guy." The reason why this woman isn't into being more than friends is due the to "ladder theory." Women have two ladders:
1. Men they are interested in having a relationship with.
2. Men they are just interested in being friends with.
Men have only one ladder:
1. Women they are interested in sleeping with.
You're at or near the top of her friend ladder. The $$ value of a gift means she likes you a lot as a friend, it does not mean she wants more than a friendship.
If you do anything for yourself, you need to get rid of your 'nice guy' behavior. That is the reason you are failing with women. Here are some recommended books for you to read. I highly suggest you read them and out them to practice:
1. "No More Mr. Nice Guy." http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0762415339/sr=8-1/qid=1143650976/ref=pd_bbs_1/102-7438109-1276945?%5Fencoding=UTF8
2. "How to be a Man who Naturally Attracts Women" - David DeAngleo (www.doubleyourdating.com)
I think it's too late to get her romantically interested in you, but it's not too late to change your behavior to avoid mistakes with women you meet in the future.
Read the books. They will help you tremendously. | |
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| the best friend syndrome, can't go out because we're friends only
Posted: 3/29/2006 10:22:15 AM |
Just be yourself. Never change anything about you just so you can get a date. If someone does not like who you are, oh well move on.
While I agree with that sentiment to some degree, if he is finding none of his relationships are working out then he really does need to focus on self-reflection. Find out what bad patterns are being repeated and work on self-improvement.
NOT to make someone else happy, but to make him the best "him" he can be.
At what point do you say "something is wrong here, too many coincidences....something has to change...." | |
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| the best friend syndrome, can't go out because we're friends only
Posted: 3/29/2006 10:27:55 AM | Nowadays though women are not in need of a man. So with that in mind that means not all men are dating material. So men have to take a few steps back and see figure out if they truly are up to par in the singles market for dating.
Sure we all will say we are dating material. BUT when there are less available women to chase, there has to be a decision to make as to if you have all the qualities women want.
The odds are not in our favour one bit, and some of us are not into competing for a woman. | |
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| the best friend syndrome, can't go out because we're friends only
Posted: 3/29/2006 11:41:52 AM | While going out after friends can happen, it may not be the best thing for the friendship. I had a friend that after awhile we both decided to try the Dating thing. I now wish we hadn't. I believe that she also feels the same way. (maybe not but hey I can dream.) By doing the "dating thing" I lost a good friend and it sucks.  but maybe for you a different ending will happen.
Luck to you | |
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| the best friend syndrome, can't go out because we're friends only
Posted: 3/29/2006 7:39:54 PM | | Hi, You neve know what the future holds, for you or her. Keep your friendship, and be happy that you have a dear friend. I am in the same boat, in a way, but he chooses not to contact me, but we were never intamate. I choose to not wait for him, but to keep contact with him even if he does not, because things change, every day, I do not want to shut the door on a possable relationship down the road. She is being truthful with you, you are very lucky.My friend was not, had a girlfriend and led me on, made plans to see each other, than emaild and told me the truth said he was sorry if he hurt me. I forgive very much, not like youl, so I hope someday that he will see that we can have a great relationship togeather, timing is very INPORTANT. good luck 2 u | |
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| the best friend syndrome, can't go out because we're friends only
Posted: 3/29/2006 7:52:24 PM | As soon as I read the first line I could tell you this isnt going to happen, so stop hanging around waiting for it to.
if she hasnt made a move towards a relationship in 6 years, then she is not going to. You are the only one who is keeping this going Eg sounds like you refuse to let go. The way you talk so negatively about other women being skanks and such, sounds like there is a deeper issue and its possible you are scared of dating again or even of being alone. And anyone is better than noone even if they dont love you. Maybe you like the idea of being the victim of unrequited love, its a kind of relationship itself isnt it? and this gives you a subconscious reason NOT to pursue other relationships. I say that because you CAN control what you are thinking and feeling, by not making up romantic possibilities in your mind or excuses for her why she doesnt love you back. She doesnt and that is all there is it.
I did like a guy a lot, I had spark, he did not although we hung out together all the time, and had a great time and lots of things in common, but he only wanted to be friends and he told me so. Best thing I could do is listen to him. He meant what he said. But we stayed friends because he really wanted to and I accepted what he said. Yes it was hard, but I stopped thinking of romantic thoughts like: `` if we kissed he would change his mind, or if he just got to know me more, he would change his mind ``` and so on yada yada. You can go your whole life on ""what ifs"" But I got over it after a month of him telling me 'friends only' because I controlled how i thought about him/ And you can too -and you can start byYour listening to her and ACCEPT it is not going to happen.
If its hard, stop spending time with her for a while, not being rude, but just go and do you own thing, change your routine, accept she doesnt love you like " that" and go get out and get some who can | |
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| the best friend syndrome, can't go out because we're friends only
Posted: 3/29/2006 8:09:00 PM | Dude I just went through this same shit only thing that me and him made out..our friendship is ruined he freeked out..we did so many things together concerts shows beach drinks hang out at his house but this weekend we got a little too wasted and one thing led to another..we only did the heavy making out stuff fell asleep i left 2am..anyway next day he tells me that what happened should never happen again I was crushed cause I fell for him that night..and you wannna know what the shittiest part of this is..that he had asked me 2 weeks ago if I wanted to be more than friends and I talked him out it..what a freekin dumbass.I am!!!!.now I have lost my friend cause things are so screwed up that i cant even look at him because it hurts so much Im dieing we shared music I cant even hear the damn songs my chest feels like its gonna cave in..Im freekin depressed and I misss him like crazy..I feel like..Im never going to get that back especially after I told him that i fell for him and that I cannot reverse my feelings so i cant hang out with him.. now he's pissed he sent some cd's i left at his place with his friend I wish i had a crystal ball and see what will become of us Im going nuts because he told me that that should never had happened and it never will that he does not want to date anyone he just broke up with his gf of 3 years and she screwed him over bigtime.he said things like I am not goin got be a****to you and just mess around its not fair to either of us..it was like i was being stabbed over and over again..what do i do keep hanging out with him and torture myself? or what???
i am sooo freekin miserable right now :( | |
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