| I need help with this one???
Posted: 3/27/2006 7:07:08 AM | Ok, I am one who always questions herself, and I’m wondering if this is controlling behavior? I would also like to know what you think of this and what you would do.
Here is the story.
My SO and I are planning on going to a big music festival. He has asked some other people he knows to go with us. One of the people he has asked May use crack. I told him that if this person broke out a crack pipe I would be out of there. My SO uses pot (heavy user) and knows I don’t like it. I asked him last night just for my own peace of mind, if this person did start smoking crack around us would you smoke it too? He said “probably” not, well gongs were going off in my head. I said Probably? not definitely not? He said would it make you feel better if I said I would never in my life touch it and I said well hell yes and then there was dead silence....... No I don’t think he is doing it now that’s not the problem. At first I thought screw it I’m not going, then I thought well shit. Its is just a possibility that this person even does it for one. And is it controlling behavior on my part to expect him to assure me that he wouldn’t do any if it was available? God I hope this makes sense, I am so confused at this point I don’t trust my own thoughts and feelings anymore.
Cally | |
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| I need help with this one???
Posted: 3/27/2006 7:14:17 AM | | I think you are old enough to make the right decision. This is a no brainer! If you do not do drugs, why would put yourself in a position like that? Lets say he does whip out the pipe. Undercover cops (and they are all around those type of events) are right by you and see what's going on. Little miss innocent will be going for a ride as well! You are just as stupid for being around that!! | |
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Posted: 3/27/2006 7:21:55 AM | I don't think it's controlling of you to ask others not to put you in danger, because, as Eddie said, you would be just as likely to get arrested if they get arrested.
But I think your question goes beyond the music festival, and it highlights the fact that you are uncomfortable with your partner's drug use. My question is: if that makes you uncomfortable and there is a chance his use will expand and escalate, why are you there? I'm sure you are compatible otherwise, but are you ready to spend your life with someone who does something which is not only bad for him, but dangerous for you as well?Are you ready to be there when his drug habit gets out of control? I'm not saying you should pack your bags, but think about it seriously. He doesn't seem likely to quit any soon and doesn't seem to take your feelings about it too seriously. | |
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Posted: 3/27/2006 7:28:35 AM | Thank you for responding Eddie. And yes I do agree that I'm stupid. I have been with a heavy pot user for over two years.
I don't use and I don't like that he does but I'm still with him which is stupid.
I want to go to the music festival though and it is possable that this other person does not even use crack.
My question is: "Is my asking him to assure me that he wouldn't use any" controlling behavior on my part?
Cally | |
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| I need help with this one???
Posted: 3/27/2006 7:29:07 AM | Things will get worst before they get better , you need to get out of there.
Do you know how many times a Judge has heard " They were not my drugs !"
Stupit is as stupit does. | |
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99c
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Joined: 3/24/2006
Msg: 6 | |
| I need help with this one???
Posted: 3/27/2006 7:29:12 AM | | Dump the pot head and find yourself a guy whose noodle isn't lost in a fog. This one crack event is just the beginning of worse to come, and looking back you will kick yourself for having wasted time and love on a man whose mistress is drugs, and whose ability to love you comes in a distant second, falling well short of what you need and deserve. You can do a lot better for yourself in life than be tied to him and his habit, and its surrounding clump of bad news. | |
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Posted: 3/27/2006 7:34:42 AM |
Is my asking him to assure me that he wouldn't use any" controlling behavior on my part?
Unfortunately, yes it is.
Dump the stoner and find someone who you won't have to ask to not smoke crack. Let the stoner find another stoner for a partner. Good luck to you Cally! | |
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| I need help with this one???
Posted: 3/27/2006 7:37:57 AM | I don't think you are being controlling. You have explained your position on the "crack" issue and you have also stated what you will do if things come to that. All you need to do now is follow through with your stated actions - if need be.
If your SO stays, then that is his decision and something you will both need to discuss when he gets out of jail. You can't tell someone else what to do.
Enjoy the concert and don't let this issue spoil your day. | |
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99c
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Joined: 3/24/2006
Msg: 9 | |
| I need help with this one???
Posted: 3/27/2006 7:38:14 AM | It's not controlling to insist he refrain from committing a felony that could land you both in prison. That is being reasonable, and asserting your right to remain free from harm. Is it controlling to ask him not to set the house on fire? Same thing!
The drug is controlling him, and your lack of self-respect is controlling you. Move out, move up, move on, get yourself a life worthy of your potential. | |
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Posted: 3/27/2006 7:47:37 AM | I said it's controlling in the sense that the stoner has no control over his/her life, and they won't understand your request. It won't register with them. The drugs have control over them, you never will.
The request not to use drugs isn't truly "controlling". Trust me, if a non-stoner stays with a stoner, you'll have to develop a "controlling" attitude to maintain the relationship. It's unmanagable otherwise. There are better uses for your energy than to constantly check up on a drug abuser to encourage them to stay off of the crack.
Under normal circumstances like this relationship seems to be, I'd recommend 100% of the time for the non-stoner to dump the stoner like a bad habit. If only the stoner could look at his/her drug abuse in the same way. | |
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Posted: 3/27/2006 7:55:55 AM | Thanks everyone. I think that having been with him for so long has made me question a lot about myself. I know I should leave and I might one day. I haven't decided if I will go or not at this point. But I appericate all the input.
Cally | |
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| I need help with this one???
Posted: 3/27/2006 7:56:37 AM | | You definitely need to hold to what you believe is true. A friend of mine had a similiar dilema,his turned out horribly.The lady he was dating was a meth user(he did not know of her habit), she stopped by to pick up her stuff and the police raided the house. The problem was HIS 2 kids were waiting in her vehicle.She had picked them up from school & stopped by there since it was close.So these things can go spirialing out of control. Hold your ground someone is out there for you that doesn't have the drama that goes along with all of that. | |
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99c
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Joined: 3/24/2006
Msg: 13 | |
| I need help with this one???
Posted: 3/27/2006 7:57:51 AM | Bikeman:  I agree, but they can't look at their habit that way as long as people enable them to keep going along heading for their unhappy fate. The blindness is buit in.
"But I love him and people don't understand he's really a great guy".
"Nobody else would love me." | |
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Posted: 3/27/2006 8:10:41 AM | I'm bullshit-intolerant in general when it comes to relationship issues. A drug abuser loves the drug more than they love themself or their partner. I like reciprocating relationships--hard to fathom how a drug abuser can reciprocate when their primary focus is to lose sense of their understanding of the environment around them.
Why waste time with a waste of life like that? | |
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Posted: 3/27/2006 8:27:11 AM | Cally, asking him to assure you he wouldn't use any isn't controlling behavior, IMO...though *telling* him he would not be using any would be controlling. The first is expressing a concern you have; the second is trying to control what he does.
The main thing you need to decide is if you want to be with someone who does *any* illegal drugs at all. If he gets caught with anything, even pot, is it worth what he, and possibly you, may have to go through? Could you lose your house, car, etc. if he was caught? And more importantly, if illegal drugs of any kind bother you, then why date anyone who does any of them?
Also, if you know you should leave him, then why aren't you doing it? Don't be afraid you won't find someone else; because you will...and it will be someone who can actually appreciate you, without their mind being clouded by drugs. Life is too short to spend it with someone you know you shouldn't be with.
BTW, if you want to go to the festival, find some friends to go with; then you won't have to worry about anyone doing drugs. | |
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Posted: 3/27/2006 9:06:57 AM | You know its funny you asked why I would date a person that uses. I have to tell you that we are both 49 and believe it or not almost every man I had met while dating uses pot. I don't know if it is the area I live in or what. I can tell you that at first I thought what the ......... at our age??? I mean yes I tried it when I was a kid but what the hell is going on with this? I just can't believe that so many men my age are still into the pot smoking.!
Cally | |
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99c
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Joined: 3/24/2006
Msg: 17 | |
| I need help with this one???
Posted: 3/27/2006 9:16:53 AM | There must be a good business for munchies where you live. And lawyers, and bail bonds, and probably some good deals at auctions for seized property.
Occasional use, one thing, being a pot head, that's the same as being a drunk. Crack is so far past the line you can't see the line anymore. Do whatever floats your boat. | |
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Posted: 3/27/2006 9:22:25 AM | As far as your SO, I think he was being honest with you saying he didn't think he would. It would have been irresponsible for him to promise he wouldn't when in fact it is futile to make such promises if you are already a drug user. Its like someone consuming heavy amounts of alcohol and promising they won't drink and drive. The fact is that when your in a heavy drugged or drunk state you are totally irresponsible and capable if anything in my books.
Now with respect to the crack users. It would have been fine to say I don't want to be near or travelling with a person that is using crack...period...that is your right. If your SO wants to that is his choice. The controlling part would come iun only if you didn't "allow" him to go or travel with May, regardless of your choice to go.
Dating a heavy drug user, even if its only pot, is frought with issues as you are forced into a controlling position being the responsible member in the relationship. If you don't feel comfortible in that role...don't date a alcoholic or heavy pot user.
Just my two cents,
Bandito | |
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Posted: 3/27/2006 9:40:03 AM | | Hey i am on this site to fine some to shair my life with and everything i do ro say to thes girls i fell like i am doing something worn on here and i need some help so i am asking you guys for some help pleas eand thank you . I am in this huse all the time 24/7 i dont get out because i am to loney every night and day i just dont know what to do here i im ppl on here and they seem that theyt dont want to chat with me even as friends . I mean it is not like i am a bad guy her i am a good guy i am nice and kined to them wht ealce do you want me to be on here i can be loney one person on here .Yes i do have a kid but that is not the point her the point is tha i would love to meet some 1 that will like me for me so if all of you can see where i am comming from then get back to if not then dont . I would just like to meet soem 1 that lives in sackville that lower sackville that is and i dont ask for much now allu guys might be thinking that proo guy what are we going to do with him well i dont know . pleas ehelp me out her thank you guys. | |
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Posted: 3/27/2006 10:17:41 AM | | WOA! CRACK!!!!!! Holy Shit! were not talkin weed here! Probailbly not! how about a HELL NO! I think that woul dhave been the ONLY acceptable answer for me. I would get another ticket and bring a friend and sit on the other side of where ever your going. Crack man thats crazy! | |
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Posted: 3/27/2006 10:20:50 AM | | sorry I got off topic. I dont think the word is controlling when you are asking you boyfriend to not smoke crack! I think he has gotten off lucky for you even wondering if you being controlling. First of all how disrespectful he would even put you in a position to be around something of that calibur especially if you dont do drugs! No respect! Brutal.... I would have told him to go play with you crack head friends im not interested in that kind of party thanks weirdo! | |
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Posted: 3/27/2006 3:39:11 PM | | Cally: I first read your thread, then I read your profile, then again your thread. I am confused. I am 47 years old, seen it done it got the t-shirt, and, surely at your age you can say pretty much the same. This is what has me confused: You are so concerned with the person who may pull out a crack pipe but you seem to have no concern that your SO may pull out a joint, or two, or three, probably more like a quarter and/or ounce. And at any given time you are with your SO he more than likely has what is concerned to be, at least in my belief, a drug. You are more than likely to get busted with you SO than you are with your friend. I guess I am very confused as to why people don't think a drug is a drug and a drug that is illegal comes in all forms. I do understand some drugs are worse than others, but Cally, a drug is a drug. So here's my opinion, are you willing to go to jail or get probation at your age? Pot carries, not as harsh a punishment, but does carry a punichment. I think that your SO, may not do crack, but allows it near him and you,,,,,what else is he bringing to your world putting you in harms way? | |
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| I need help with this one???
Posted: 3/27/2006 6:59:42 PM | @4lovenpeace
I would prefer to have a man in my life that is drug free.
I might be naive, but I would hope that if he gets busted for having pot on him that I would not be prosecuted if I was in the car with him!?
And yes as stupid as it may be I am always hoping that he will stop using. I know what you are saying and I agree to a point. If I decide that I can not take it anymore I will leave. But at this point I just look at it as its his brain he's frying not mine. Well not with pot anyway.
Cally | |
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99c
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Joined: 3/24/2006
Msg: 25 | |
| I need help with this one???
Posted: 3/27/2006 7:05:58 PM | | Knowing what to do, but doing the opposite. What sin are you atoning, that you invite punishment by heading into danger, accepting in place of love daily reminders you deserve nothing better? | |
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