Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > How to courteously tell someone you're not interested...?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 TangerineDream
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 1
How to courteously tell someone you're not interested...?Page 1 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
Alright, maybe this seems like rocket science for some people, but how hard can it be graciously let a person know you're not interested in them after a few dates?

I understand that some people may have egos that crack like eggshells... and for every one of those, there's a person that fears _causing_ someone's eggshell-thin ego to crumble... but...

Is it really necessary to use over-used cliches like, "I don't want you to think that there's anything wrong with you, you're a nice guy..."

In an attempt to spare someone's feelings, it's actually quite insulting. In more fragile egos, it just enforces a "woe is me, why can't I find myself a good man/woman if I'm such a nice gal/guy?" mentality.

Even if the person to whom you say it may be crushing on you, it actually devalues their self-esteem. Of COURSE they're a nice person, or else you wouldn't have carried on a conversation with them, would you?

...and if you're one of those fragile egos...

Repeat after me (to them): "Oh, I don't think that there's anything wrong with me. If you don't think there's a connection, that's your point of view and I can't change it. Goodbye."

If you're extra****, throw in a "too bad, your loss!" (under your breath -- because you're a nice guy/gal, after all) as you leave them to their life without you.
 carrie bradshaw
Joined: 2/21/2006
Msg: 2
How to courteously tell someone you're not interested...?
Posted: 3/29/2006 1:24:41 AM
Have you had a bad day?
Carrie
 TangerineDream
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 3
How to courteously tell someone you're not interested...?
Posted: 3/29/2006 1:30:32 AM
lol... well, no. Yes. Maybe. I'm just a tad insulted.... hahah...

I mean, come on... I actually had one gal tell me a number of dates ago that I was TOO nice (and no, that's not shameless self-promotion, although sure, I'll take it...) :)

I'm convinced that some people are just nuts.
 carrie bradshaw
Joined: 2/21/2006
Msg: 4
How to courteously tell someone you're not interested...?
Posted: 3/29/2006 1:35:53 AM
Not to turn this into a conversation but, if someone is not interested they might feel uncomfortable telling you and do the best that they can.
If you are interested in them, no matter what they say you will be hurt.
They should always be polite about it. It doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with you. Sometimes two great people each on their own, just do not make a "connection."
Myself, I always connect with Jimmy Choo.
Carrie
 lizzybuddhist
Joined: 3/22/2006
Msg: 5
How to courteously tell someone you're not interested...?
Posted: 3/29/2006 1:38:38 AM
I just ignor them until they stop calling

Though there has been the occasional one that I have "run into" and I play all nicey nicey "yes sorry i've been really busy with work blah blah blah but I'm free later this week call me and we should do something"

Takes about a month with most, but eventually they all go away
 hidden_charm
Joined: 3/20/2006
Msg: 6
How to courteously tell someone you're not interested...?
Posted: 4/7/2006 11:02:03 AM
Amen!! Amen!! dreamcatcher30 I hate the "disappear-ers" My gosh, I think I'd rather hear I was too fat, than get no explanation whatsoever.
 Felanie
Joined: 1/23/2006
Msg: 7
view profile
History
How to courteously tell someone you're not interested...?
Posted: 4/7/2006 11:12:36 AM
Your not my type.. I prefer an as$hole/bit(h that treats me like crap, has no money and no ambition.. Ok maybe not.. LOL
 Carol27
Joined: 1/25/2005
Msg: 8
How to courteously tell someone you're not interested...?
Posted: 4/7/2006 11:49:13 AM
Ok, would you rather hear someone say, "Hey, I don't like you, you get on my nerves, f*** off."?

Of course not....no matter HOW someone tells you they aren't interest it is going to be a blow. Don't fault someone for not wanting to hurt your feelings. Sheesh.
 mcbobly
Joined: 8/28/2005
Msg: 9
view profile
History
How to courteously tell someone you're not interested...?
Posted: 4/7/2006 5:42:10 PM
Give them the excuse I always get. The old- "you're a really great person and someday you'll find someone great. But I just don't feel the chemistry and don't think it's you cuz it's not, it's me. You're very nice and you'll meet someone good, but there was just no chemistry and again, it's just me, not you." I get that one often. ANd of course I'm like, ah-ya-right, gotcha. Like I really don't know the real answer as to why it went that way. Good luck dude.
 snofun1
Joined: 3/9/2006
Msg: 10
How to courteously tell someone you're not interested...?
Posted: 9/22/2006 3:45:09 PM
Id rather have something rude than nothing at all,, at least if its rude you know their true colors werent your colors. just dissapearing sucks.
 Sadie415
Joined: 5/15/2006
Msg: 11
How to courteously tell someone you're not interested...?
Posted: 9/23/2006 11:19:08 PM
I have said It's not a good time for me right now. I prefer not to say too much about it at all. There would have to be quite a bit of interest to go on a first date, but would never go past the second date if the interest didn't hold. I would interact and be socialable if I ran in to him again, but that's it.
 ima_gin
Joined: 6/18/2006
Msg: 12
How to courteously tell someone you're not interested...?
Posted: 9/23/2006 11:29:58 PM
When I hear a woman start saying crap like this I leave/hangup instantly.. fortunately this hasn't happened to me in a long time.

One thing that concerns me about this is what she said... I mean, maybe you really ARE too nice? That's not a good thing. Women don't like overly nice guys. I'm not saying this to be a jerk to you, but they want a man. It may surprise you but it is possible to treat a lady with respect, still be chivalrous and gentlemanly without kissing their asses. Whether they admit it or not, women are attracted to confidence and power. That includes social/dating power. So don't put your woman on a pedistal and I think you will have more success. (BTW - This is coming from an ex-"too nice"-guy... )
 METALLlC BLUE
Joined: 5/17/2006
Msg: 13
How to courteously tell someone you're not interested...?
Posted: 9/24/2006 5:48:17 AM
I tell them that I enjoyed their company, and that's all.
 Just A Woman***
Joined: 9/22/2005
Msg: 14
How to courteously tell someone you're not interested...?
Posted: 9/24/2006 6:54:08 AM
My issue is normally the lack of chemistry but I tell them. Better to be honest than hear nothing @ all.
GAWD I hate the not knowing.
I liked the one about I'd rather they tell me I'm too fat that nothing @ all. That I totally agree.
Doesn't matter what they say as long as they say something.
 Tallblueeyedgal
Joined: 9/25/2006
Msg: 15
How to courteously tell someone you're not interested...?
Posted: 9/30/2006 9:08:31 PM
One guy says women wont admit it that they like power in a man!!!! Well this one will . Guys women hate insecure men!!! I like a man thats confidant and puts me in my place when I need it .......almost aragant. I dont want to be running the show...and if a guuy shows that hes a door mat I will walk all over him....not meaning to but thats just how it goes. Most women love the "BIG STRONG MAN " thing And the how to let you down thing.........most women let you know they are not intrested but you refuse to see it and keep hanging around!!!! I hate dating because one date and they LEACH on ....one date and they are yours for life????????
 POFer4Life
Joined: 9/25/2006
Msg: 16
How to courteously tell someone you're not interested...?
Posted: 9/30/2006 9:16:38 PM
I hate the disappear-ers too! Why can't everyone just be honest? Save everyone a lot of time and energy, wondering and analyzing............If someone were to say to me that they were not interested, for the most part I would say ok,.....unless I think they are totally wrong and misread things, then I would probably set them straight...LOL...but, in the end, it still doesn't matter ----they are not interested and anything you do or say, doesn't change that, and you move on.....
 lc1500
Joined: 3/19/2007
Msg: 17
How to courteously tell someone you're not interested...?
Posted: 4/5/2007 10:55:24 AM
No thats not true !Women love to be treated like a lady and sometime pampered ! But like you said ,Yet be a strong ,confident person Who has their SHIT together!! excuse my language! Im one of those guys who is confident and secure and doesn't take offense to rejection . I'f there is no chemistry there isn't .Nobig deal ! It goes both ways ladies!! Just want to say , If someone takes the time to write to you ,just have the respect to respond back !As long as they were nice and courtious !! You wanted womens liberation ladies and you got it !!!RECIPROCATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!GOOD LUCK EVERYONE!!!
 MB58SC
Joined: 2/1/2007
Msg: 18
view profile
History
How to courteously tell someone you're not interested...?
Posted: 4/5/2007 11:07:43 AM
Simple, I'm not interested in dating you. No matter what, it will come off, rude, cold, detached, mean, hurtful, unemotional -- and the person perceiving it likely will only have the ability to perceive it as such, or get upset.

It's no my problem how someone else reacts, my job is to manage my character and attitude in away that is consistent with my values and gives people respect by default.
 coruja
Joined: 7/17/2006
Msg: 19
How to courteously tell someone you're not interested...?
Posted: 4/5/2007 1:51:52 PM
I'm convinced that some people are just nuts.


There's your answer! Bravo, and welcome to the ranks of the enlightened. Your certificate and lapel badge are in the post.

Looking for reason in the actions of irrational people is an oxymoron - as you can see from the forums though, this hardly stops people trying.
 Ranger14
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 20
How to courteously tell someone you're not interested...?
Posted: 4/5/2007 3:12:37 PM
Heheh....I have commented a few times on this and what timing! I always believe under normal, and I will emphasize NORMAL circumstances, that you should politely let the other person know there is no chemistry or connection to continue to pursue any type of romantic relationship. Then there is the not-so-normal circumstances like my first meeting from this site last fall....which just got drug back out of the dusty confines of someone's cellar...

I received an email last night from this woman I met last fall. Yes, months later she emails me and lectures me saying that on the forums "You say you always do the gentlemanly thing at the end of a date while exchanging bye's: "I'm sorry but this isn't going to work out, but best of luck" etc. Then she says, "But you didn't in this case." She then said that I have nerve to say such a thing because I just disappeared after our second date last fall. She was accusing me of not acting like I preach on the forums. It really flabbergasted me as at the end of our second date she got pissed off at me when I turned her down to go to back to her place. She literally got mad at me and left in a huff. Now she is claiming after all this time I am being fake on the forums because I did not call her and be a gentleman like I say that I am on the forums?? Unbelievable! What nice guy in their right mind would feel that they needed to call that person after the second date ended that way? Didn't she pretty much give indication there wouldn't be much of a future just by her actions? Where should courtesy extend beyond the unreasonable? This one really blew my mind. Sorry to digress, but I was shocked to get her messages. She then makes a snide comment about me having to be on the site still.

The only other person I met from here, I let know after the first date that I didn't feel any type of romantic chemistry when we got together, but she was a very nice person to spend time with. Unless there are unusual and not-s0-normal circumstances that is how I will handle someone I have met that it just isn't there.
 smiles644
Joined: 1/19/2007
Msg: 21
How to courteously tell someone you're not interested...?
Posted: 4/5/2007 6:39:04 PM
I know that everyone says they want complete honesty, but would rather not have their feeling hurt. But I am the type of person who prefers complete honesty.

I have met many guys, who we seemed to click so well prior to meeting, and then they disappeared or suddenly said "no connection", even though up to that point they were telling me that I am absolutely wonderful.

Now I am trying to figure out why. So I would really prefer a person to tell the truth, no matter what it is ... too fat/thin, too ugly/attractive, too independent/dependent, too nice/not nice, etc.

How is a person supposed to improve on themselves, if they do not know what others see as flaws !!!

I personally see the line about "no chemistry/connection" a load of BS, and always want to know the truth.

The few times where I actually ended things, I told the truth.

I still am waiting for the day that I hear the real truth out of someone.
 Ranger14
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 22
How to courteously tell someone you're not interested...?
Posted: 4/5/2007 6:57:02 PM
I personally see the line about "no chemistry/connection" a load of BS, and always want to know the truth.


If I tell someone that, it IS the truth. If I am not feeling the chemistry...I am not feeling the chemistry. You can meet someone have a nice conversation and nice time, they may even be pretty attractive, but that chemistry is missing. I am one who either feels that connection with someone or I don't. If I don't, I let them know and there may not be a specific thing that I can tell them like you talk to much about yourself or I am not attracted to you. I just may not be feeling any kind of connection. Why should that be considered a load of BS?
 Just Carol
Joined: 1/31/2007
Msg: 23
How to courteously tell someone you're not interested...?
Posted: 4/5/2007 7:16:16 PM
TangerineDream....great post...still laughing The only thing that I could add to that retort is....if someone just comes out and says...you're a nice person, I enjoyed your company, I'm just not interested in you.....you look at them and smile sweetly and say....and? Their look is absolutley priceless.
 Just Carol
Joined: 1/31/2007
Msg: 24
How to courteously tell someone you're not interested...?
Posted: 4/5/2007 7:19:25 PM
hidden charm....actually if you were a large, attractive woman...u wouldn't...i't would just piss you off for 1/2 a second....and once again...the final retort...and?
 smiles644
Joined: 1/19/2007
Msg: 25
How to courteously tell someone you're not interested...?
Posted: 4/5/2007 7:19:54 PM
Very very rarely can a person know for sure on the first meeting if there is a real connection or real chemistry. I know that the majority of people think you can, but funny how the majority of people who think you can are still single.

If you do not like someone when you first meet them, there is something specific that does not meet up to your "standards".

I now know a few people that if they would have went with their feeling of "no connection" on their first meeting, they would not now be happily in love and getting married.

You have to get to know someone before you can truly know if there is a connection. Well unless you are just looking to find someone that you want to jump into bed with.
Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > How to courteously tell someone you're not interested...?