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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/1/2006 10:41:27 AM | As you may notice from my profile, I am widowed. That doesn't mean I want to be alone. There seems to be a brick wall when trying to find someone to build a new relationship. I'm sure widows find the to be an obstacle as well.
Apparently, I am guilty of having had a good marriage and women, mostly divorced, tend to hold that against me. I've had no less than 3 ladies, in the last 3 months, say they wish I was not widowed because they don't meet widowers.
I would think divorcees, especially, would appreciate someone actually having fulfilled their vows instead of walking out when things were difficult. I must be missing something here.
Ladies ... can you explain this? | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/1/2006 10:52:29 AM | Interesting post... I'm divorced, however my ex hubby also died at the age of 39... I will always have a soft place for him in my heart, I had a wonderful 12 years with him.. A very good friend of mine became widowed last year at the age of 33. Her 40 year old husband died of a heart attack.. She said that men have a discomfort when they find out she's widowed.. We talked about it, and I think it is because some widows/widowers tend to compare their new partners with their former spouses. It may not be intentional.. I think when people are in the dating arena (I don't see a whole lot of 60+ year olds on here), they tend to be younger.. I think the younger people believe they have their whole lives ahead of them and that they are invincible! So when they come across a widowed person, its like "what do I say", or "how am I suppose to feel"?
I've been divorced for 19 years... I've met divorced men and I've met widowers, and I'll tell you, the widowed men are mighty fine catches... When their spouse dies, they were very happy in the marriage.. They tend to have a different outlook about their future, I think they are far more appreciative of their future mates because they realize that life is short and it is precious. Therefore, their new partner will be treated that more special... Divorced people have a "I've been hurt/screwed" attitude, especially at the beginning. They tend to be a little less trusting (rightfully so), as divorce is a form of rejection...
Be patient... I have no doubt that you will find a good woman. Your profile goes into depth about you being widowed and if I were you, I wouldn't post it on my profile.. What you need to do is sell your fine features and attributes... Don't harp on the fact that you are widowed, that will scare folks off.. Take a look at your profile again and do some editing on it.. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/1/2006 10:55:15 AM | No, sir, you aren't missing anything. I am single, never been married, and I kind of get the same thing. I guess society these days is such that it is better to have married, been miserable and then divorced as opposed to having lost a spouse to death or decided it was best to remain unmarried until the time is right.
Beats me how people think this way but it seems that they do.
Tink, Calgary | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/1/2006 10:57:26 AM | alone I am also a widow of 14 years. I changed it to dating because I AM involved now.
There aren't easy one line answers. I think one thing is that they are insecure in that your love for your late wife is something you still have and they don't feel they could compete with that or want to be compared to her. Even though that's most likely NOT the case with you, that's what's in their minds. I only had one man tell me he didn't want to date me because I was a widow, even though I had that always in my profile. Go figure, people just have stuff in their head that doesn't always make sense.
Have you participated in a widow/widower support group? I know that Hospice offers some, may want to see if that's available in your area.
I looked over your profile and what you wrote is good. It is a little heavy, though, may want to talk just more about you and what you're like and who you'd like to meet. I'd make the widower reference not a major thing, please don't take offense to that. I don't mean it that way. It's just you're a lot MORE than a widower. That is a fact and something you're honest about. I'm not saying that's unimportant but that's not necesssarily the MOST important thing that someone who may be interested in you wants to know.
Also, are you totally fine with having another lady in your life? I'm assuming you ARE, but you really have to get past any guilt feelings you might have or HAVE had. You have to give yourself permission to go on with your life fully and give your love completely to someone else. THis has nothing to do with your marriage OR your late wife. Another woman is not a replacement for her, and a future relationship is not going to be the same as the one you had. You will only be able to go on and find another terrific relationship when you realize it's someone new and it'll be different.
I'm sorry if any of this sounds preachy. I really didn't mean it that way. Just trying to say things I hope are of some benefit to you. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/1/2006 11:23:52 AM | I appreciate the comments...
The "competition" aspects have come up in conversations and I just want to beat my head on the pavement. The competition exists only in "their" minds, not mine!
Of course, I was the world's best husband already :) but I learned so much about love through this unfortuante experience. I'm sure that holds true for many who have shared in such a loss. As for me, I feel my next marriage - God willing - will be even better. I'll certainly be more open about my deepest feelings and focus more on letting her know she is loved.
As for my profile, perhaps it does need editing. I'm just one to throw myself out here without a load of BS and hope my words find a good heart. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/1/2006 11:36:32 AM | Dear Alone2soon;
I'm not a woman. Be that as it may, I don't agree with a few responses suggesting you need to change what you've written in your profile. You're to the point and sincerity counts. Somewhere in the gospels it is written that he who marries a divorced woman is guilty of adultery (believe it or not). As you are a Christian I would suggest seeking from among the widows rather than the more apt to be sinful divorcees. You are in a separate and more honourable league. We only deserve each other (and our baggage). | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/1/2006 12:00:39 PM | garry, thank you for the comments.
I don't want to turn this into a theological thread, as my original topic will quickly be overwhelmed. Of course, it's quite obvious I am looking for a Christian woman. I think marriage without God in His proper place is only a shell of a true union. And, personally, I would have a huge problem living with the knowledge that I could lose her to something so simple as death.
Finally, I would just say ... while divorce is rarely a good thing, there are justifiable reasons in some cases. For the record - I am NOT a preacher - your mileage may vary :) | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/1/2006 12:19:20 PM | .
Here sits one guy who maybe prefers widows to divorcees. Actually, that’s an individual thing and varies with different women. However, quite often it is easier to help a widow through the grieving process and nudge them into becoming active again than erasing the bitterness and hurt of a divorcee. That’s not always true, of course, but seems to be more times than not.
Look around here. You do not see the widows and widowers starting sentences with words like “why do men/woman . . .” Nope, it’s the divorced people and/or those who date around a lot who do that.
A lot of widows my age will not date again. But, some do and two in our group got themselves married again last summer and are quite happy now. Yet, I remember one of the new husbands worrying about how to compete with the memory of her past husband, who was a rather accomplished fellow. I was amazed at that attitude, in fact. Fine time to bring it up, after you already married her! So, we had a little talk.
When a widow and widower get together, we should think of it as starting with a clean slate. Sure, there are past memories, but most of them will soon get pushed aside. That’s cause, this time around you have married a different person. A person with lots of new and different attributes, most of which you will (hopefully) like but some you will not. So yeah, the old ballgame may have been fine, but this is a new ballgame with a different team and at a new stadium. All you should be bringing to this game is some of the skills you learned from past games and nothing else.
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/1/2006 12:24:06 PM | dbndon, that is some very wise advice that you just gave. As I pass throught my life and encounter people, I will have to remember that from this point forward only to bring with me the skills that I have learned from the past and no more. That is a pretty profound message.
Tink, Calgary | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/1/2006 12:25:40 PM |
Apparently, I am guilty of having had a good marriage and women, mostly divorced, tend to hold that against me.
Oh is THAT what's going on??!
I wish I could say that I had an answer for you, but it beats the heck out of me too...
Of course, (relatively)young widows/widowers have dating pools that are full of divorced folks,and I've always kind of blamed stereotyping(widows are supposed to be looking for a another man to take care of them) I doubt that's as big an issue with widowers...
I know I'm sure not looking for a carbon copy or someone who surpasses my late DH,I don't guess I ever really thought that fear of comparison was a big issue, but I guess that IS a possibility...
Well if you ever figure it out, let me know, and I of course will do the same if I figure it out first
Cindy O | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/1/2006 2:53:09 PM | This is my first time posting, so please bear with me. I married a widower. He was married for 20 years to his Juliet. I can not imagine replacing that relationship, nor competing with it either. As a matter of fact i reinforced such, after all he was who he was partially because of her influence. We chatted about her as to not let the memories fade away for himself or his kids.I have empathy for folks who have grieved a grief that was out of their control. For all the women who seem to be threatened by you having had a happy union are very insecure. I am no longer married, but has nothing to do with him being a widower. So, alone2soon, be patient. The good Lord will direct you to the right women when its time to do so. Peace  | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/1/2006 4:49:10 PM | oops,. i made a mistake...i said this was first post, but by my accompanied stats to left, its not. Sorry, i guess its been too much for me to remember!  | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/1/2006 5:21:13 PM | Mostly, I just want to thank you for starting this thread. While being widowed doesn't necessarily imply that the marriage was perfect, it's a relatively good recommendation.
I was recently telling a friend about the fact that I'd joined this site, and mentioned that what I was ideally looking for was a widower who wouldn't mind listening to me talk about how wonderful my husband was as long as I was willing to listen to him talk about his wonderful late wife. I'd be willing to learn to cook his favourite recipes of hers if he'd be the handyman my husband was.
It's hard not to want to replicate a really good relationship. I doubt at my age that it can be done, but as Emily****nson wrote: "Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul."
You and I are miles apart on some issues, but we share the journey of trying to rebuild our life with love and companionship. I wish you the very best.
Kay | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/1/2006 5:22:43 PM | I've not read your profile alone 2soon...but 'judging' from your name...coming out too soon might be abit appropriate. No disrespect to your late wife or to yourself...but....in all honesty, your name right now defines who you are. What previous threads have said about your profile, sounds like being widowed defines who you are right now in your life. Agree with one of the threads above...might be wise to take some time and join a support group. I tend to think most people who give themselves the option of dating now have moved on from previous relationships and want to start at equal or a balanced realtionship. Myself, I would be a bit more careful and not so free when expressing myself with someone like yourself giving full respect to where you might be with your 'late' wife. I know I would not begin to be myself. I sense it a bit strange. Others may be different in their approach ...
On a further note...I do hope things get better for you. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/1/2006 5:24:04 PM | | Good heavens....this is the fussiest web site I've ever encountered when it comes to deleting expletives. Emily WHO? | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/1/2006 5:28:16 PM | ok ok ok...broke down and read your profile...comment about 'cheap imitation' says alot too...oh my my.
Ummmm...there are some excellent 'christian' sites on line....I notice there was a lot of 'Christian' references on your profil....amazing | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/1/2006 5:47:07 PM | Lipstick ... I'm sorry, but you lost me in there somewhere.
My profile name is accurate. I was left alone too soon. Being widowed at 48 is not a good situation for anyone.
As for coming out too soon - 3 1/2 years? Am I missing something?
About the Christian references - it just so happens, I am a Christian. Can't imagine being anything else.
Finally on "cheap imitation" - it's just a play on words, not a conspiracy. I think you will acknowledge, a large percentage of people on any dating site are complete frauds. Well, I'm not. I'm afraid something about me or my profile has rubbed you the wrong way, so please accept my apology for whatever it was.
I know this isn't directly thread related but I felt I needed to respond where the original post was made. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/1/2006 5:59:36 PM | I am sorry Alone2soon. You asked what the problem might be...to this point I am the only one that may be viewed by yourself as having taken a negative response response to your thread. (lol...others may view it that way as well...).
Was my opinion alone. You know alne2soon, I have moments when I might have wished I never said anything....this is one of them....I'm sorry | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/1/2006 6:50:07 PM | | This may be a bit off-topic, but I had reverse discriminaton recently; from a widow. She USED to cut my hair. She knows that I am divorced. In my mind, we are equal; she is a woman without a husband, and so am I. The last time I went to have her cut my hair, she asked me how I was adjusting to being by myself, and it caught me off guard. Then she said "I guess 'you people' stay busy" - which felt very condescending to me. I know she's a Christian, but this made me feel like she thinks of divorcee's as a "breed", and I was offended. I go somewhere else to have my hair cut now. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/1/2006 7:49:22 PM | I have been a widow for 12 yrs. now, loosing my late husband when he was 38. Ever now and again, I hear someone talking about how a widow/widower would be likely to make comparisions. I realize that people who think like that have personal issues that give them self doubt. The issue is their's nor ours.
These people wouldn't make good company anyone, as their issues would become boring.
The strangest dating thing that happened to me was on a third date. During dinner, he said he knew that I didn't like him. I asked him where he had got that from. His answer was that I hadn't cried and told him the drama of my late husbands death - (I had told him that my late husband had died of cancer). Where people get this kind of thinking is beyond me. Needless to say there was no fourth date.
When I hear that widows need to be taken care of, I also wonder about people thought process. My legal maritial status is widow. Being a widow has nothing to do with my intelligence, character, strength or my ability to be independant.
After 12 yrs., I still haven't found anyone who I would want to remarry with. However, if I never do, I have learned to live a full life, happy with my own company. This doesn't mean that I have given up hope of finding my last life mate. I will wait to meet the right person, not just getting married for company. Good luck in your search - you sound like a great guy.
Wow - people have issues with your religious beliefs. I have had both men and women tell me that they aren't sure they can trust me because I don't drink much. We sure don't need these kind of people waisting our time. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/2/2006 9:51:51 AM | | alone2soon: I read your profile, from beginning to end, and I feel it is beautifully written. You obviously have a great capacity to love and want to love again, are respectful, and have great qualities. I am a Christian, also, and it seems like a curse out here when looking for someone. I would be honored to find a man like you and I wish you well in your search. Kindest regards, Kathy | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/2/2006 10:37:02 AM | It sounds like the women you met have issues with your being a widower.
Personally I do not see a problem with it. Things happen in life and sadly people pass away
and this sometimes leaves a spouse behind. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/2/2006 12:32:07 PM | Just keep plugging away... you will find the right one. For the record, I started dating somewhere around 6 months after my late-great husband passed. Yes, he is in another realm, yet he's with me quite a bit. He was a local celebrity, so many people knew him.
I have yet to meet anyone, male or female who treats me differently because I am a widow.
Is that because I haven't allowed them to, after that first 6 months or so? I thank them for their "I'm sorry" and we get on with meeting one another.
I do bring up the late-great husband sometimes in person and more often on POF, in relation to a question, comment, or thought pattern that concerns him, or the time we were together
(such as this thread).
My current boyfriend does not tip toe around me because of my past, nor I him.  It's just silly to treat someone differently than if they were divorced or had a relationship that didn't last.
I can certainly see that some widows / widowers would use the death as a reason to draw attention to themselves; be sensitive, whiney... and that would be a turn-off.
The only thing it does relate to, in my mind, is that you are experienced with death and the effects of illness on a loved on. That can actually make you special to anyone who needs that kind of support information.
Good Luck Fishing!
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/2/2006 9:00:46 PM | | Well that is just silly...any women who don't want to meet widowers....shouldn't and you....shouldn't worry about their aversion to it because you don't want to meet them anyway...maybe they have had a bad experience with widowers who were not done grieving...for some people do jump into dating too soon after a loss...but their is no reason under the sun why they should automatically assume that you are in that place or not...here on POF as in life...we meet all kinds of people...and I have found it is better to just accept that they are the way they are and move on...unless they cross the abuse line and then report them to POF or block them...good luck in your search... | |
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