| in love with a newly married woman
Posted: 4/4/2006 1:55:35 PM | Hey, I've vented in a couple posts previously about this, figured I may as well go full topic... It'll probably come out rather schizo, and be really long, even though I'll try my best not to ramble...
Anyways, she's 11 yrs older, with a guy 3 yrs older than her. She got scared and married him for the security, even though I wanted to give her all that and more. "I am sorry things ended this way but it makes sense and will probably work out best this way" is what I got in an email. She was about to ditch him for good the day before they got hitched, and we were making out the day before and after. She's got family-type love for him. They've got separate rooms and all at his place. She's generally sure that he won't divorce her, and she needs the insurance, so that's what she did. She's not confident no matter what I say that I won't run off with an 18yr old in a few years, and even suggesting that she divorce him makes me look worse.
She's in love with me, we were in love before, after, and now. I get calls when she's having a down day, recalling how well I treated her. How she misses me, misses cuddling with me, misses me massaging her, misses me being accepting of her problems.
We started as roomates, they were going out at the time. They were down to being emergency contacts, an occasional booty call, and occasional meetings. She had the last straw when she found out he was unfaithful. She ended up going out with some other guys, one of her friends that was over often kinda got us together. Things progressed and were going really well. Much better than with him. It kind of baffels me how she's got somewhat of a thing for both of us as we're nearly polar opposites. They had some business dealings, so there was still a little contact, it didn't really worry me as I had witnessed their relationship before, so it's not like I could see them fooling around.
Anyways, I ended up a day late and a dollar short on the initial "savior" type thing from her inital worries, he proposed on the day that I was planning to, I got her to cool things down and not use the marriage certificates they got the day before, and then ended up making out the day after they got married. He was able to act enough like me for long enough to keep her in tow.
She ultimately believes that without her "word" she is nothing, and so thus wouldn't immediately go back to me after the engagement and whatever else. After she moved into his place, she had tried to run away a few times, and after seeing a movie on tv that reminded her of us. She didn't have the physical strength to get what she needed and wasn't willing to let me over there due to his "threats" of pressing charges against me. He was doing as much as he could to act like me and treat her like I did, which kept her around hoping. The only reason I can see for him wanting to go through with it is that he's lonely and she's the only one who would put up with all his crap for so long.
I suggested divorce/annulment to her the day after when I found out. I don't think it's good for him to be married to someone whose heart is for someone else. He even made allusions to that a few days before they did the deed. I really even question the validity of their marriage, she's not really able to forsake all others, he's not too keen on the in sickness part, there's not much having or holding unless he's made some real personality changes recently. They both had bad, hard lives growing up, whereas I had a really good life comparitively, so they have that in common, doing what they have to to survive.
I don't want to be the ass to break up a marriage, but it didn't even start as a happy marriage, and isn't that far into it. I wouldn't wish their marriage on my worst enemy, so it tears me apart inside to try and let her "make it work". You shouldn't have to try so hard to make it work before day 1 is up.
She's stubborned enough that if I don't do anything she'll live miserably for as long as it takes what I reawoke in her to die again, and then just survive. She's selling the condo, I think it would be much easier to separate before she would sink that into his house. She even mentions the word roomate and he goes ape-shit, sending her down even more.
We were making house shopping plans, budgeting medical expenses, yada, yada, yada a day before she got married to him. She is cursed with pushing away what she needs and wants most, I feel this is a final, enormous push that I have to pull her back in from.
I've got like 2 weeks until my "30 days" are up and I have to be out of the condo, so no more chance meetings after that. So, convince her to reverse her scared decision, or allow 3 people to be miserable. Call me a **stard if you like for thinking about it, but shouldn't soul mates be able to fix things before the ink is really dry? I wouldn't consider it or even have been able to get in this position if it we weren't madly in love before my timing and her fear f'd it all up and caused her to marry him instead of me.
Yes, I've got some immaturities, but with the average age penalty she gives most guys and the age bump she gave me, we're about in line. Maybe I don't know what I will want in 10 years, but that can be said of anyone. | |
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| in love with a newly married woman
Posted: 4/4/2006 3:00:05 PM | My vote is to leave her and forget her. Way too much Drama. She doesn't truly love you, if she did she would be with you.
From personal experiene I know that if there is that much drama it will never get better. Perhaps she is addicted to the drama and is using you? | |
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| in love with a newly married woman
Posted: 4/5/2006 6:02:29 AM | | she's got her issues... and surviving and keeping herself healthy is more important to her than true happiness. Never was any "drama" until the last month of it when all this crap came up. | |
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| in love with a newly married woman
Posted: 4/5/2006 6:17:43 AM | Wow.. that really sux!!! But she has got some MAJOR issues!!!!
You need to let this woman go! U need to run and run FAST!!!!!! Move on with your life and quit having contact with her....... If she wants to get a divorce and come back to you great...but the bottom line is:
She was making plans with u.... and married him? What a freak! So what she got scared... I get scared.. I've never settled... if I did... I'd be married!
Honestly.... she is MESSING with ur mind... having her cake and eating it too!
She is also a USER... especially if she is stating she married him for security... for his insurance........ U need to take a long hard look at urself in the mirror and ask if u really want to be involved with a woman that is willing to do that to another person! | |
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| in love with a newly married woman
Posted: 4/5/2006 6:18:59 AM | I have one word......... PSYCHO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"she's got her issues... and surviving and keeping herself healthy is more important to her than true happiness. Never was any "drama" until the last month of it when all this crap came up. "
She made her bed, she sleeps in it.................. end of story, move on | |
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| in love with a newly married woman
Posted: 4/5/2006 6:20:38 AM | Sounds like a great episode for a soap opera....
If she chose to get married ... get over it.
Try not acting your age.
Sorry bud... c'est la vie ! | |
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| in love with a newly married woman
Posted: 4/5/2006 6:32:08 AM |
She is also a USER... especially if she is stating she married him for security... for his insurance........ U need to take a long hard look at urself in the mirror and ask if u really want to be involved with a woman that is willing to do that to another person! They've got a family love thing going, and she had some sort of feelings for him at one point, enough to put up with his shit for over a year.
Getting different answers from different people lol, really is one f'd up situation 
Guess I'm f'd whatever happens... | |
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| in love with a newly married woman
Posted: 4/5/2006 6:39:07 AM | WTF is they've got a family love thing going on?
If she married him she married him........ She chose for some reason NOT to be with you.
That sux.... I know.. but come on..... ur torturing urself...
What if it's all in the family why don't u just move in with them? | |
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| in love with a newly married woman
Posted: 4/5/2006 6:49:36 AM |
What if it's all in the family why don't u just move in with them? 'cause he's the jealous a-hole that scared a woman who's in love with someone else to marry him.
No one I've talked to has been able to able to fathom what was in his head. Suppose he's nearing 40, alone, and can't keep anyone else in his life for more than a couple weeks, so grab on to someone who will put up with you for the most part. He says he cares for her and wants to take care of her, but she'd have that with me, so whatever.
She loves him like you'd love a brother, don't want anything to happen to them, don't want to hurt them, etc. Dunno if getting hitched changed anything or she's convincing herself that she has to change because she's married to him, but she got the willys at the thought of him touching her beforehand. | |
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| in love with a newly married woman
Posted: 4/5/2006 7:01:52 AM | U know it is funny how when a man or woman cheats on someone that people project on the cheatee and not the cheatOR!!!!!
I know this is NOT the same situation... but u are focusing on HIM and not on her...
Dude... WAKE UP... she has fricken issues... she's playing u and ur emotions! She's NOT with u.... and if she is having sex with u...... even now that she is married.. she is CHEATING on him................. WTF!!!!! | |
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| in love with a newly married woman
Posted: 4/5/2006 7:13:15 AM | | Dude youre 23............. You have your whole life ahead of you. What do you want a stupid, confused cougar for? Time will heal all wounds, let it go and enjoy your youth. | |
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| in love with a newly married woman
Posted: 4/5/2006 7:16:40 AM | I know how you feel completely.......
I'm also in love with a married man who had a crush on me in college. I didn't really know him then. I moved away after school, then returned 8 years later. I found work at the hospital. He also works there. When he saw me again, he coiuldn't believe that I somehow came indirectly came back into his life.
A bunch of us from work went to the bar, and when he approached me he asked if I was that girl in his social studies class. He remembered my full name as well. That night we talked and talked and got to really know each other. This is my soulmate. Guaranteed. We have never been sexually active with each other, just that these feelings are creeping up like crazy.
The kicker?
I work with his pregnant wife.
Before anything gets serious and disastrous, we have decided to just remain friends....even tohugh it's hardest thing I've ever had to do. I can't hurt anyone's feelings.. How would I feel if the tables were turned? | |
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| in love with a newly married woman
Posted: 4/5/2006 7:49:45 AM | Ya, that would be really hard foolishstarz. Due to having a kid involved, it's even harder. I don't know how you'd feel if the tables were turned, but the way I've been feeling lately, if your spouse's heart is with someone else and not you, you're being cheated on whether they're getting physical or not.
We're not having sex or anything, though with a touch it could get to the point where we'd have to fight it, which is why she's doing her best to stay away from me. I wouldn't want my wife to cheat on me, but I wouldn't want to be in a situation where it would be that easy either. IMHO, she's already cheating on him by having the thoughts and feelings for me.
The problem is that I'm focusing on her, more than me or him. I want the best for her, and am confident she's not going to get that with him, so I'm having trouble letting her f' herself up. If I didn't care so much about her well being, I wouldn't be posting this, I wouldn't be thinking of any of this, she'd have made her choice and I'd let her stick with it. Yes, I'm screwing myself in the process, but if you don't try, it definately won't happen.
Dude youre 23............. You have your whole life ahead of you. What do you want a stupid, confused cougar for? Time will heal all wounds, let it go and enjoy your youth. Definately not a cougar, but anyways. Why? Up until this point we were planning to get married, no nonsense with him. I'm not a typical 23 yr old, never had or wanted the "youth" experience. Why spend the next 20 yrs searching for someone who might compare or make you feel anywhere near the same when you've got your soulmate right here, no matter how much of a whackjob she is. | |
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| in love with a newly married woman
Posted: 4/5/2006 7:53:58 AM | Feelings come and they go. At 23 youre probably latching on and not knowing any better. Im only trying to make you wake up and smell the coffee.
You are stupid if you allow yourself to continuously live in this perpetual state of misery. I say you way away and over time, someone else will come along. | |
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| in love with a newly married woman
Posted: 4/5/2006 8:26:42 AM | i totally get what u r going thru. i let my soulmate get away 11 yrs ago. i did marry someone else and that didn't last. still haven't met anyone that compares, connects the same way. what i've come to find out is that he isn't he anymore. i think what made us connect so perfectly was us reflecting on each other. even tho the time has past, i feel the same for him as i did, but there is no way that i can expect the same things - we have both changed. i don't think i'll ever get him out of my heart, tho others distract and push him out of my head. the good thing is when you've had what you want, you don't settle for the bs and less than perfect relationships. GO GET HER. don't obsess for to long, and if it doesnt' work just know that sometimes that's the way it goes. good luck.
as far as everyone saying she has issues, a lot of us do. | |
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| in love with a newly married woman
Posted: 4/5/2006 8:31:53 AM | Jackie.. I agree and disagree... this woman has fricken issues...... I mean.. they were talking about getting married and then the next day she marries someone else!!!!
I agree that if he thinks he must have this woman he needs to lay it on the line.... and get a decision from this woman..... otherwise he is only opening himself up for a LOOOONGGGG heartbreak... that will only be messing and only add NEW HEAVY luggage in ur baggage department and could screw things up.... with a potentially emotionally available woman!!!! | |
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| in love with a newly married woman
Posted: 4/5/2006 9:11:24 AM |
the good thing is when you've had what you want, you don't settle for the bs and less than perfect relationships. I don't know if that's good or bad. Always knowing what you lost and knowing you'll never find it again. Thats another reason I'd go for this, and sooner rather than later when she's changed/reverted to a point where it might not work anymore.
If we'd had some nasty fight or breakup or something, it probably would make more sense to just drop it, but when the difference between the day before and the day after is a more crying and the rings, it's kinda hard.
I knew most of her issues going into it, I learned most of the others in the midst - I never expected the final sharp turn, but I knew he was playing some pretty good mind games with her...
I don't want to drag it out and screw both of us up even more than we are, but part of me just can't stand by without action. If, in the middle of it, I had had the balls to say screw him, you're not happy, you're not going to be happy, here's two tickets to vegas, let's get hitched, we would probably be generally living happily ever after right now. Yes, her issues would be there, yes there would be some fighting with him, but when it was "us" we got things worked out, whatever it was. | |
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| in love with a newly married woman
Posted: 4/5/2006 5:20:10 PM | There isn't any good in having feelings for someone who is married. The best thing that ever happened to me was when someone I could have had feelings for (I never let it get that far, but it was always on the edge) -- was she quit her job. It was such a relief and it really saved my sanity. I suggest you get out of the situation completely. Those tickets to Vegas? Go yourself, save half the fare, and don't look back.
~Aurora | |
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| in love with a newly married woman
Posted: 1/9/2008 1:52:50 AM | Now a simple statement...
Married man/woman has an affair... leaves his wife/husband and marries the other individual... they live happily after... IT HAS HAPPENED MANY TIMES....
OBVIOUSLY THERE IS A REASON WHY SHE KEEPS COMING BACK AND IS HOLDING ON TO YOU....
Alone she is not strong... nor happy appearently ... SHE NEEDS REASSURANCE that you two will work out....IF you love her and want her... you will find a way to provide her with that... to show her that YOU TWO ARE ONE.
I wish you two all the best | |
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| in love with a newly married woman
Posted: 1/9/2008 4:29:30 AM | | You say that if you would of had a fight or breakup that it would of made more sense to you. And so marriage don't, she married another man not you! What more is there to make sense of? Also, if you two weren't broke up, this means she cheated on you to be with him? Why would you want this woman in your life??? It truly amazes me!!! | |
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| in love with a newly married woman
Posted: 1/9/2008 7:12:30 AM | | can anyone tell me why people respond to a post that was written two years ago!? i see the OP is still on the site, i do tend to wonder whatever happened with this! first thing i thought of was that she wants her cake and wants to eat it too...has the security of marriage and the boytoy on the side...my advice would have been to ditch her quick and let her live with her mistakes (IF marriage truly was a mistake)...sounds to me more like the husband made the mistake! she's a cheat and a liar AND wants to be 'saved' from all her problems! sounds like a huge loser!!! but then i noticed how old the post was and it surprised me to see people responding?! don't these things ever get deleted?! | |
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| in love with a newly married woman
Posted: 1/9/2008 7:36:20 AM | OP,
Time for a reality check:
STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP making excuses for this woman. Every time someone points out what she is doing wrong, you always have some defense or excuse for her. Get your head out of the clouds and your feet on the ground. Regardless of her reasons or her relationship with her husband, this woman is M-A-R-R-I-E-D. Which means she is OFF LIMITS. Which means you need to LET HER GO. It is NOT your job to rescue her from her marriage and tell her what to do with her life. It is NOT your job to "fix" things. And it is NOT your place to tell her what she should be doing with her life. Once the vows are taken, regardless of the circumstances, it means you STEP BACK AND MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS. You have no right to interefere with
Stop painting her out to be some poor victim of bad circumstances. Stop making this out to be some kind of true-love fairy tale. Get the stars out of your eyes and get as far away from this woman and this situation as possible. Move away, change your phone number. This woman sounds like seven kinds of f***ed up. You don't need this.
Last but not least...I would suggest some counseling for you. It works wonders.
EDIT: Just realized this original post was made over a year ago. Hopefully the OP wised up and moved on. | |
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| in love with a newly married woman
Posted: 1/9/2008 7:50:27 AM | | Men think with there brains and women think with there hearts. If she truly loved you she would be with you. I think she loves the money more...Good luck! | |
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