| Anyone else have fleeting moments of regret?
Posted: 4/5/2006 7:37:45 PM | Just wondering, I can't imagine I'd be the only one !
I'm not talking about my kids... definitley no regrest there.
What I mean is... Do any of you single parents out there ever just feel like you should have stayed in the relationship "for the kids"- even it meant you were unhappy ?
My parents did just that and it was definitley the wrong thing to do and intellectually & emotionally I know I made the right decision... things are so, so, so much better in so many facets it's incredible...
BUT, then there's the things that aren't better...
Financially, it's a struggle on my own- you know, you live paycheque to paycheque, no savings, no money put away for kids education / future etc...
I work FT M-F - leave the house at 6:30 am , get home at 6pm + just started my own business to try and get ahead (so there will be savings, debt paid off, education $ etc...)... yet this leaves very little time for family and quality time w/ the children.
It seems I come home from work, supper, ensure the homeworks done, kids are settled , chores done and work some more, only to repeat this tomorrow!
My daughter's having problems in school- not doing her assignments and work- she's able to do it- very intelligent actually, just choosing not to and giving some attitude to the teachers.
She took the final split b/t father and myself the hardest... I recently had her in a girls group for 12 & under w/ behavioral issues (12 week program & went very well), but on her intake questionaire when asked what she wishes for kost in the world- she answered, that my mom & dad were together. This really breaks my heart. Just knowing how difficult this has been on my kids and even though they know it was not good when their father and I were together- they realize it was bad... they still wish for this .
Then there's the fact that all their friends are able to do so much more than they can do b/c we can't afford all those extras... like school trips, hockey, baseball, soccor etc...
Kids just don't understand fianances and all they understand is that all their friends are doing these things !
There are more things... but this gives you the idea...
Don't get me wrong... I don't really regret getting away from that relationship at all... it's been 18 months of "peace" and just a feeling of wanting to come home at the end of the day- I didn't have that before !
I guess what I really regret is that the entire situation is what it is ! There's that element of guilt that I share 1/2 the responsibility for my children's lives being what it is. Not that it's horrible by any means... they actually have it pretty good compared to some, yet some (most of their friends) have it a lot better... hence, to them, it's horrible. And admittedly, their's could be a hell of a lot better ! It doesn't happen often, but every once in awhile, I get that little, annoying voice that says..."maybe I should have stayed" "maybe things wouldn't be so bad for them if I'd just stuck it out" .... Then I give my head a shake and wake up !!! I know they are better off now.
So, anyone else ever have these fleeting "SECONDS" of insanity?
Anyone feel as guilty as I do soemtimes?
Deew | |
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| Anyone else have fleeting moments of regret?
Posted: 4/5/2006 8:01:19 PM | Totally understand. I left an abusive marriage. Moved far away, and spent the past year just getting my youngest son (oldest is on his own) and myself settled. It seems at times the "me" time is never there. There isn't anyone else around to help out. But and this is the best but......no abuse. No fear.
He's older (13) so maybe that is why he understands when I can't afford something. He is good about only asking for what he really needs and then I have to pull it out of him.
The truth of the matter though, kids do well even if they don't keep up with the Jones. We want much more for them than they do. What they want is a stable loving home. If we give them that, then the rest is gravy.
I know this was rambling, but it is late. :) | |
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| Anyone else have fleeting moments of regret?
Posted: 4/5/2006 8:16:08 PM | Been there did that.
Kids often want their parents together. It is a struggle, but is your ex paying child support?
If not, he needs to step up to the plate. You will be fine.
You are already 18months into separation. Children are resilliant. Yes there are some emotional issues, but I need to ask, were there any before?
There are programs out there to aid in getting your children involved in sports. They will assist. You just need to find them. I have been two years into my separation, and I will tell you this. My children are alot happier that we are not together because there is harmony in the home now.
I have my children 98% of the time and I am loving every minute of it. They have issues with there dad not seeing them on a regular basis, but I try to make up for his short comings without talking to them about his short comings.
It is not their fault that daddy isnt active in their life, and it is not your fault either. Yet they do not need to hear about it. Be positive, find programs to assist you. Get them involved with community services.
If you are experiencing behaviour issues with your child find community programs if you can not afford your own.
Going back to a relationship just for the children is wrong on so many levels. You left for a reason. Stick to the program.
I do not want to sound harsh, but suck it up buttercup. There are no guarantees in life. The only thing that is constant is the state of change.
It is your turn in life to deal with the change and help your child adjust. So do it. | |
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| Anyone else have fleeting moments of regret?
Posted: 4/5/2006 8:32:34 PM | gbg1964 ...
Never had any intention or thoughts of ever going back !... thought I made that quite clear.
I did also mention that I had my daughter in a program for her behavior... it was successful... she just graduated last week actually... there's been a huge improvement in the "home" front.
Their father does see them- every 2nd weekend and they are of the opinion he's the greatest thing in the world ! Of course, that seems to be the way it goes ! I know as they grow older they will come to their own conclusions about him... He doesn't need my help in pointing out what an ass he is.... he does a fine job all by himself.
No, he doesn't pay a dime in support- that's the biggest problem- if he was supporting them, I wouldn't have to work 15 hrs a day, would be able to spend more quality time w/ them, would be able to have them involved in some sports and extracuricular activities and wouldn't be so stressed all the time !! ... I'm sure I wouldn't feel that guilt creep in either !!
I can pretty much guarantee he feels no guilt.
I don't go after him for support b/c I have been through enough w/ him... I'm not going to "force" him to support his children. If he were a real man, a real father and any kind of human being he would make that decision on his own. He is the type that would just quit his job immediately anyhow... if there was an order against him... he'd quit, move and work under the table- he's in construction and he's done it many times before... No, this issue is a dead one. I personally talk to him when necessary and that's it. As difficult as it is on my own, I don't want his money if it's forced out of him. One day when the kids are adults, he can explain his actions to them himself.
So, yes, I am dealing with it. I am a pretty positive person, great job, normally just deal with day to day situations the best I can and do take advantage of the numerous resources out there for assitance...
All I was wondering, is if others feel the guilt too ?... whether it's justified or not, is a totally different thing... it doesn't change the feeling. | |
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| Anyone else have fleeting moments of regret?
Posted: 4/5/2006 8:49:31 PM | I am not sure where you live, but I tell ya one thing, if you keep tabs on where he is working his employer would be in a huge pile of crap. There are ways to make a deadbeat father pay.
DO IT for your children!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I cant express that enough.
You sound like me in alot of ways, I hear your tone of your message and I commend you.
hense the quote....
when we were together you said you would die for me, now that we are apart, I think its time you kept your promise. | |
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| Anyone else have fleeting moments of regret?
Posted: 4/5/2006 9:08:15 PM | I too feel that way sometimes I think about what if I never left and still had the two incomes and big house and two cars.
But then I think about the fighting and abuse.
The kids are better off this way Yeh sometimes they cant have what they are used too and that i cry about alot but, the sanity and the the fighting are worth it ( I think)
Lee Ann | |
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| Anyone else have fleeting moments of regret?
Posted: 4/5/2006 9:11:50 PM | I don't keep tabs on anything he does... work or otherwise...
I actually don't think he's working at all right now, according to some comments from my daughter. He was never the type to even support himself... his entire life- he's 40 this year and he's probably only lived on his own for a period of maybe 2 months in his lifetime... always had to be with a buddy, sister, me, now new girlfriend and her son- so you see, someone's always supported him. He's in construction so he works maybe 6 months out of every year and then when he does work, of course, b/c he's perfect, he always knows more than his boss... usually ends up quitting.. and he's always had the luxury of being able to do so b/c he's never been responsible for much of anything !....Trust me, it's not going to happen.
Anyhow, don't want to waste any more of my breath "talking" about him ....It may sound like I harbour a lot of resentment and you know what, yes, I do !!! ... actually I'm over it and not an issue.
I will do it on my own the best I can do and when they are older, they will respect the choices I made and the things I did. As for him, charma baby, charma !
I like the quote ... thanks! | |
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| Anyone else have fleeting moments of regret?
Posted: 4/5/2006 9:31:06 PM | gbg1964---It is not about YOU anymore, why arent you ppl getting this? .....
Don't you think you're being a little harsh? Leeann didn't say anything to infer she doesn't get it and I definitley get it.
The kids have always been priority # 1 and I'm sure leeann (although I don't know her) feels the same... I think she was just relating to my original post... yes, she too feels this way sometimes... I'd like to think it's normal...
You know, it really is OK to cry once in awhile... it's OK to show emotion and it's OK for your children to know you "feel". No, I don't have sobbing fits in front of my kids so please, no need to jump all over that one... just making a point here... I agree, they need to see that you are the rock, the strength, the stability....
But, they also need to know you are human. There's no crime in that.
Leeann... I cry too sometimes... not often & it could be just out of the blue- something will happen or I'll watch a sad movie or just some obscure thought will come to me... and sometimes, it just happens... when I lay in bed at night... the tears just come. Nothing to be ashamed of... I actually find it to be soothing- a good cry never hurt anyone !! ...But, if you're crying frequently then you probably need to speak to a therapist ! | |
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| Anyone else have fleeting moments of regret?
Posted: 4/6/2006 12:28:36 AM | Well i had no choice seeing as how my sons father dumped me for someone else when i was 7weeks pregnant lol...he did however tell me he regretted doing so but whats done is done...so hes still with the ditchpig lol...but its all good now, we are best friends and ill always love him...even if we stayed together i think we still would of broken up...we are much happier not together...i would never stay in a relationship just for the kids, thats the worst thing you could do to them...kids see everything... | |
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| Anyone else have fleeting moments of regret?
Posted: 4/6/2006 5:28:53 AM | My sister is always asking me why, myself and my ex, don't get back togather for the kids. And I always tell her that I am happier this way. Simply put, if you and the ex don't get along why force the kids to deal with it. Also I don't want them to think as they get older that being in an unhappy relationship is anyway healthy or normal. They say you learn by example, so set a good one.
It can be hard at times, my youngest is wheelchair bound, but unneeded stress in your life can shorten your lifespan by a whole hell of a lot, and my midgets will need me until the end, even when they're teenagers and are embarrassed by me, I know they'll still love me underneath it all.
Never undermine the other parent, the child will learn on their own why they are never or rarely around, plus this makes you look good, being kind and honest and all that stuff.
In conclusion, singleness is way better than a constant fight. It's all about the kids. | |
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| Anyone else have fleeting moments of regret?
Posted: 4/6/2006 5:57:45 AM | Never....never any moments of regret....ever. Why? Because children would rather be from a broken home as opposed to an unhappy home. Our home was nothing but unhappy.
My lightbulb moment was when my daughter was 1 and I was pregnant with my son. My ex husband was cussing me out again...in front of our daughter....and my daughter yells and says, "Daddy be nice to Mommy!" In that instant I KNEW I had to get out. I didn't want my daughter growing up thinking it was "ok" for her to be treated like that, nor did I want my son to grow up thinking it was "ok" to treat his wife that way. I did not want a "cycle" for my kids.
I did what was right and we are much happier and better of than we could have ever been staying. | |
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| Anyone else have fleeting moments of regret?
Posted: 4/6/2006 11:38:56 AM | | I think that anyone who stays in an unhappy situation, claiming it is for the sake of the kids needs a serious wake up call. You are setting them up for living in a war zone, where they constantly have to feel like they are walking on egg shells as not to set one of the already unhappy parents off. They don't understand the air of hostility etc, and usually assume it is their fault. If you are unhappy LEAVE. I say this very emphatically because first it was my parents who made that decision, and my childhood sucked for it. So, when I found myself unhappy soon after the wedding, I left, to make sure my son would not have to get caught in all of that. Alone I could provide a much more stable and loving environment. | |
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| Anyone else have fleeting moments of regret?
Posted: 5/4/2006 6:39:44 PM | All the time i regret.....as i never wanted my marriage to end......yes, in some ways it is better now, but in others worse, and as i say it was never my idea. he just left after 17 yrs and 3 kids. Nothing I could do, as he had found his "soulmate"...so ya it sucks. I sometimes think, and this will probaly kill all chances of a date on this site but oh well; that i will never find anyone else i will feel that close to. I truly loved him, and since he left ya...its just not the same.He was never physically abusive, and i was happy I guess that is why I have a hard time now. It was a good time. The sad thing is, I now know he never really loved me,it was all onesided. So i guess I was played in a life time way eh?
Biggest regret? marrying him. | |
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| Anyone else have fleeting moments of regret?
Posted: 5/12/2006 6:12:10 PM | I have a 6 year old son and sometimes I look at him and think what have we done, I didn't bring a child into this world to live with his parents apart. But what would life be like for him if we had stayed together. He would see his mom and dad either fighting or not talking at all and that is not what i want him to see either.
My son has asked his dad and I to get back together and just to look into his face while he asks that question is a heart breaker. He is now starting to accept the situation. Sometimes things can't be helped. Just think miserable your children would be to watch their mom and dad argue all the time.
When my uncle and aunt finally separated his kids looked at them and said "it's about time"
so kids really do know. | |
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| Anyone else have fleeting moments of regret?
Posted: 5/13/2006 5:29:47 AM | | i did stay in my relationship longer than i should have, trying to keep the family together for my sons sake. Talk about a mistake, thank god i smartened up | |
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| Anyone else have fleeting moments of regret?
Posted: 5/13/2006 7:06:01 AM | | You sound like I feel!!!! I was in a marriage for 14 years which was good until the last 3.....then my ex decided he did not want to fix the problems(Honestly I dont know what the problems really were) but wanted out. During my stint in counselling, the counsellor told me that he went through middle age syndrome. The kids have not seen him in years, he doesnt pay child support, and like you I have had enough trying to get him to own up to responsiblity.....but I do miss my life I had with him......would never go back but have many regrets....Sad part is that the kids do get messed up, I know I went through it..... | |
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| Anyone else have fleeting moments of regret?
Posted: 5/13/2006 4:32:21 PM | | My moment of regret comes every time I think of the fact that I stayed with him for 9 years, for my daughter's sake. Seeing how much happier she is now, 2 years after the separation, I wished I'd done the strong thing all those many years ago and walked out on him. | |
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| Anyone else have fleeting moments of regret?
Posted: 5/13/2006 6:18:39 PM | | Kids whose father /mother stays around when the marriage breaks up can adjust easier than when the parent decides to divorce them as well..........Kids are resiliant but the betrayal a lot of parents do to their children well that can never be fixed......Sad how many parents decide they dont want to be with their children if they cant/dont want the marriage..... | |
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