| Was this a test???
Posted: 4/7/2006 8:33:13 AM | I have been dating this guy for about 4 months. We hit a few bumps a while back, but things seem to be on the smooth. He is separated from his wife, and as soon as the legal time has passed, they will be divorced. The financial aspects of this are pretty grim. He has a monolith of an old house which is about 3/4 finished in renovations, a brand new car payment, and bills coming out the a$$. He could be rich or a pauper as far as I am concerned, it will not sway me in any decision I make about who he is or if I stay with him. People face these kinds of problems together all the time. Recently he showed me some posts for high paying jobs in another province, and said that if things don't start to look up he may have to move. I mentioned that if he moved, he would have to spend as much money commuting to see his children and myself, that it wouldn't be worth, taking the few extra dollars an hour. On top of that there was the cost of living etc... Then said that we probably wouldn't be able to see each other as I wouldn't want to take time away from his kids. He said that I didn't have a piano tied to my a$$, nothing was keeping me here... and that I could move too... I said why would I pay double the rent somewhere else, that I have a job. Of course I would make way more money in the other province, but it was irrelevant at the time... and HE said, what are you talking about extra rent? There would be no extra rent... and I said what are you talking about?? Moving Together????? He said... "I'm not going anywhere hunny, don't worry"...
What the hell would he do this for?? Is this some kind of funky test?? | |
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| Was this a test???
Posted: 4/7/2006 8:37:41 AM | Maybe it was, or maybe not. Maybe he was genuinly looking for a chance for a better job, maybe even thinking about your future together... to me, he just got a bit taken aback by the way the conversation turned in the end... your reaction.. that's why he withdrew the option.
So.... is it too early or what, Felanie? | |
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| Was this a test???
Posted: 4/7/2006 8:42:33 AM | | For me it is too early for sure. We just got over some major hurdles that almost ruined our relationship. He is working on making things better, and I am being more cautious.I am just not sure what the heck that was about. It freaked me out a little. It was like he was telling me that he wanted me to go with him if he leaves, when I balked at moving and paying more money for a place, he was skirting around the whole *living together* issue, but when I burst out with MOVING TOGETHER?? He backed off... I am not sure why he would do something like that is all.. My head is whirling.. LOL | |
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| Was this a test???
Posted: 4/7/2006 8:43:48 AM | | I think he's just trying to calm himself down with options. | |
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| Was this a test???
Posted: 4/7/2006 8:50:04 AM | | Are you sure your not his rebound girl. The guy isn't even divorced yet. It sounds to me like he doesn't know what he wants. He's grasping at straws for answers because he doesn't have any. Personally, I wouldn't even consider living together while he's still legally married and even then I would hang on to my heart because he hasn't even had time to grieve the death of his marriage. What are the circumstances surrounding the divorce? It could be relevant. | |
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| Was this a test???
Posted: 4/7/2006 8:52:32 AM | You know hard times are supposed to make the relationship stronger. Cause if you managed to overcome them it means you don't run away from problems, you talk, and you care...
Maybe he thought this way.
But if it's too early for you, I guess just talking to him about it would be best. You know putting all the cards on the table, asking him straight if he meant you two moving in together ... From my experience interpreting things other ppl say our way doesn't necessarily bring us any closer to the truth. 
Edit: twilight - he might have been separated for months, over a year even... divorce takes time, especially with kids involved. Just because someone's separated and not yet divorced doesn't automatically mean any person he's with is a rebound... | |
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| Was this a test???
Posted: 4/7/2006 8:59:14 AM | | The circumstances surrounding his separation, and pending divorce,,... His wife tried to bring other people into their marriage bed, and relationship... she cheated on him.. then when they talked about divorce, she hadn't left the house yet... 4 months later .. he threw her out.. couldn't stand her nagging him.. constant complaining.. etc... Of course there are two sides to every story.. I have part of hers as well.. she felt neglected... he spent more time with the kids and their social development..than working on their marriage.. he ignored the signs of her malcontent.. and she didn't want to be with a man who didn't spend any time with her... He spent so long in a marriage where he didn't heed the warnings that he tried the same with me.. and After I warned him a couple times... and told him that our relationship was over .. he pulled up his bootstrings.. and has acknowledged that a relationship takes more than just a mutual respect and common interests... | |
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| Was this a test???
Posted: 4/7/2006 9:54:29 AM | "The financial aspects of this are pretty grim. He has a monolith of an old house which is about 3/4 finished in renovations, a brand new car payment, and bills coming out the a$$. He could be rich or a pauper as far as I am concerned, it will not sway me in any decision I make about who he is or if I stay with him. People face these kinds of problems together all the time."
You don't care about this?????????? RED FLAG, RED FLAG!!!!!!
Money is not everything, that is correct, however how someone deals with money can certainly be an eye opener for how responsible they are. If he is living beyond his means then there is something terribly wrong with that. You could very well end up with horrible credit, and going bankrupt if you and this man ever get married. Plus, ONE of the biggest problems in marriage are money problems.
I would also be concerned with him bringing up moving away from his children for another job when he could just as easily budget and lessen his bills. | |
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| Was this a test???
Posted: 4/7/2006 9:57:47 AM | | OP, you've only been dating this guy for 4 months, you've heard about his marriage form both sides, and you've already hit a bump with him yourself. First off, it would be a very bad idea to give up your job and move away with this guy, whether or not you lived together in the new place. Not only is he not divorced yet, but he hasn't dated anyone else so there's a chance to be his rebound person. Also, his financial situation doesn't show much responsibility...if he has bills out the a$$ why would he go buy a new car and have that hanging over him? Regardless of how much one makes, if they're not financially responsible, they need to get that way quickly or it will eventually drag their partner down also. I also have to wonder why he'd move away from his children; there are a number of things he can do to help himself out of a bad financial situation. Selling the house and/or car would help; getting on a budget to pay off his bills would help, and getting a second job for a while might be an option also. Moving away to earn a few dollars more sounds more like running away form one's problems, IMO. As for his comment about there not being double rent, he may have meant moving in together or he may have meant you could find a place for the same amount...but since he didn't answer a direct question put to him about it, you can't be sure...but one has to wonder *why* he didn't answer you. | |
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| Was this a test???
Posted: 4/7/2006 10:11:02 AM | I agree wholeheartedly. I would for sure not consider paying his expenses. I will not pay for his renovations, his children or his bills. I am not a cash-cow. LOL.. I will however give support emotionally.. He is slowly learning to budget his income, after 14 years of having someone to share expenses with I am sure he realises he has to curb his spending. I have mentioned it also, but how he spends his money is really none of my business as we are not married/living together/sharing finances. (I have been down the shit-hole with my ex already, I wont' go there again)... on the flip though... If we do end up living together eventually, (which will also only happen if we are married), I will expect to pay my way, I have a job and don't expect to be able to fritter my income away while he pays for everything... the house is his though.. but I can take part of the bills.. pay for groceries.. etc...
There is a slight red flag... with the amount he spends on his kids.. but as I say.. it isn't MY money...as long as he isn't hitting me up for a loan... :P | |
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| Was this a test???
Posted: 4/7/2006 10:49:04 AM | Felanie, to be frank, you've got such a good picture of it all and approach it with such a reasonable attitude I hardly think you need any advice.. :-)
If I were you I'd stick to my own judgment of the situation, as it seems really well-grounded.
And I can only tell you for me a red flag would be a situation if he would spend little money on his own children... ;-) | |
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| Was this a test???
Posted: 4/7/2006 10:59:43 AM | JustCats.. you are right.. but there is a difference between spending $20.00 on a CD and $500.00 on a new stereo for their room though isn't there? (talking about a 13 year old)
tv, stereo, dvd player, computer, digital camera, etc.. I am not talking cheap stuff.. LOL..
Like hello!!!??? Pay your bills, and then figure out what you can spend... no??? Oh well... LOL. Maybe I am just irritated because I can't buy my son that expensive of stuff... but I can honestly say my bills are paid..
I don't like the feeling of wondering where things stand, guess I just thought I could get an objective opinion.. thanks for the advice ((hug)) | |
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| Was this a test???
Posted: 4/7/2006 12:35:03 PM | Felanie, you've got a good brain and common sense; you're going to do just fine in any situation  And while I agree with you that what he does with his money right now isn't really your business, the way he spends it is also telling you a lot about him and his sense of responsibility. And if you two decide to go to the next level of your relationship, it's good to have that kind of information beforehand...there's nothing worse than arguing about money and it's what comes between relationships/marriages the most.
And no, it's not irritation that you can't buy these things and he's doing it for his kids. You're setting a much better example for your children than he is. He's being irresponsible spending that kind of money when he has high bills. Also, kids don't need things; they need their parent spending time with them. And no kid should just have expensive toys handed to them; that's not teaching them anything good. And you already know all this. Maybe because you do, that's the red flag? | |
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| Was this a test???
Posted: 4/7/2006 12:59:48 PM | Yes this is the red flag.. because it is probably another of the reasons his wife was cheating on him. I also think that she didn't put her foot down, he said she complained, I never complained, I just made it very clear that I wasn't going to tolerate the same bullshit his wife did. I will continue to put my foot down, with the exception of his money...
I guess I will have to come right out and ask him why he brought up the subject of moving, and what he expected from me... That way I will know for sure..
I only hate to do it because honestly.. I am yellow.. lol... I hate confrontation.... And I feel that I have probably made a lot of changes in his thinking lately, and don't want him to have brain meltdown.. although.. my birthday is coming rapidly.. and it could go either way with the gift... *wiggles eyebrows*.. LOL... thanks again | |
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JWA
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Joined: 5/21/2005
Msg: 15 | |
| Was this a test???
Posted: 4/7/2006 3:29:15 PM | | With all this working against this new relationship tell us more about WHY you stay in it? Did I miss something? | |
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| Was this a test???
Posted: 4/8/2006 12:47:12 AM | Another perfect example of how sex over rides logic.  | |
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| Was this a test???
Posted: 4/8/2006 7:07:08 AM | I see many red flags here the biggest being your statement "And I feel that I have probably made a lot of changes in his thinking lately, and don't want him to have brain meltdown"
You cannot change him. You can only change how he appears to you. This situation is so emotionaly charged the thinking is becomming muddy. When your brain clears you'll see that you cannot change him and feel bad about your failure to do so.
I can see that if you have to question his motives by asking "Was this a test?" you do not know him well at all.
Sounds to me like a "Love Bomb" attack for your attentions and emotions has manipulated you into a relationship with him without really knowing knowing him. Love bombs only can last for so long before the "bumps in the road" become apparent.
My personal opinion is as others here have stated, he is still married and is avoiding the greving of that loss. I think he should have gone through that process before entering a relationship with anyone.
Confrontation is inevidible. You will fear it until it happens and it would be wise to lessen the time you have to live with the fear so I say go for it! Don't live with apprehension. | |
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| Was this a test???
Posted: 4/9/2006 9:56:56 AM | | No I don't think this was a test. This guy is still reeling from his past, which is still unsettled. He hasn't started to move on with his life. He still needs time. | |
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| Was this a test???
Posted: 4/9/2006 11:16:33 AM | | he is making the ol'...I have connections out of state and may have a new job lined up..routine..this is an "out" tactic...in case you don't give him $$$$ to help him out...uh huh..he is deep in a hole and looking for someone to pull into it with him...its not a test...it's a game..and he is make up the rules as he goes.... | |
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| Was this a test???
Posted: 4/9/2006 8:28:09 PM | | I think everyone is right. I think this is his game and that you shouldn't move with him. If you move with him, then everything financially can become your problem. Since he is coming out of a marriage,,,he still needs to work out things with himself and you just so happen to meet him in the middle of it all. If you feel uncomfortable, you have every right to be. Get out of it,,,if you feel the need to. You have invested time,,,but it was time well spent and you need to move on and take it as a life lesson. | |
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| Was this a test???
Posted: 4/11/2006 11:29:13 AM | | Well for starters, I am not about to bail on a relationship with him because he MIGHT have baggage. If he has issues about his marriage, he isn't taking it out on me. He doesn't whine about being cheated on and he doesn't have issues with me going out with to the club with the girls. He always knows where I am and can check up if he so desires. There is a good amount of trust now, and I am not going to destroy it by presuming anything. If I am in the middle of a problem with his divorce, I will sidestep it so that I am not caught in the crossfire. What he and his EX decide, doesn't have shytall to do with me. The only thing I was curious about is if he was feeling things out for our partnering up in a house. I wasn't asking if I should dump him. LOL.. I think that all relationships are going to encounter their rocky roads. Maybe we are just hitting the bad roads early on to see if we can weather them further on down. Since we have managed to come out unscathed, and smarter for having gotten these issues resolved early on, wouldn't that give our young relationship an edge that a lot of older relationships don't have? After all, we really know who we are, what we expect from each other right? | |
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