| Cut off contact?
Posted: 4/14/2006 2:31:11 PM | So, to make a long story short, there's one big thing between "her" and I, I'm totally willing to get past it, but she's hesitant because it would really hurt someone else and cause her to break her word, which she belives she is nothing without.
So, some people tell me to fight for her, some tell me to get over it, some tell me to cut off contact and see if she decides that being totally without me is worse than the hurt it would cause.
Just when I was ready to try the cut-it-off thing, she tells me that when she's apart from me she tries to make up all these reasons how the current situation is best for everyone involved and that she's made the right decision, but then she talks to me and all those get washed away as ridiculous. So that put me in quite a predicament in my head. While it could be good for me to cut it off, both to try and get over her if it doesn't work out, and for her to see that she can't live without me, it could also be the worst thing I could do as far as getting her back
I love her more than life itself, we're still in love, we believe we're soul mates. I'd do anything to get her back. Due to the "issue" at hand that has forced us apart, it's hard for me to fight for her; I've got some crass comments about the situation versus how we were, while it could remind her of things she may have forgotten, I could also come off as an ass and push her away even more.
I feel staying her friend, even if we're not able to fully be "best friends" as we were, may be my best bet as far as staying in her mind and leading to her coming back. I know it's just extending the pain if she doesn't end up going my way, but keeping the conversation and hope alive is making life at least a bit more bearable.
Any experience or ideas on the best methods of getting her back? If you're missing someone but getting a little contact, would losing that contact make you miss them more/enough to go back, or just appear like they're trying to move on and don't want to be with you any more...? | |
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| Cut off contact?
Posted: 4/14/2006 3:17:11 PM | You don't say what the one problem is between you, but make it sound like you've given her an ultimatum. You've ended or threatened to end the relationship because she won't break her word to someone else. You are demanding that she do something that will make her feel bad about herself and eventually resent you. You should be embracing the fact that she's someone that can be trusted even if it might be to her advantage to go back on a promise.
Why would you want to change something like that about her?
It doesn't matter that you don't agree with a decision she has made as much as it matters to her that you are not supporting her in that decision and are trying to control her.
Anytime you play a game [If you're missing someone but getting a little contact, would losing that contact make you miss them more/enough to go back, or just appear like they're trying to move on and don't want to be with you any more...?] you run the risk of it back firing on you, and it probably will.
Sometimes you just have to 'agree to disagree' and let it go. Is it really worth ruining the entire relationship to you? Even if she gives in... she will never feel the same way about you as she did, she won't trust you enough to tell you things because she will know that you won't support her. | |
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| Cut off contact?
Posted: 4/14/2006 4:11:14 PM | OP..... there is a thread in this forum written by jarbarian.... I would heed the advice found there.... it is the best thing going! The thread is titled "so you want a second chance?" Good luck  | |
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| Cut off contact?
Posted: 4/14/2006 5:27:41 PM | I just read your other thread about the ex's birthday. The problem you mention here seems to have no name and yet in the other thread the problem seems to be her NEW BOYFRIEND!
I can see you are willing to get past this small wrinkle in your relationship however, I think you fail to understand that she has a new bf. which means you are the ex bf. which means she wants to be with the new guy and not you. If she wanted you she would be with you.
Now she is giving you all the crap to feed your feelings that there is hope she will return. Dump her and hopefully the new guy will dump her too. I am guessing she is the type of person that cant be alone, ever. So she moved from you to the new guy but she still wants to string you along for security just incase the new guy doesnt pan out. Leave her alone! She is using men like stepping stones.
You are worried if you cut it off she will then forget and move on. Yes she will. Thing is she HAS moved on. All she needs or wants from you is to know that she has a backup. That is ALL you are. She has no plan to ever return to you and it never will happen. She just needs the security of the IDEA that a back up is there.
I am guessing that the problem you have but wont mention isnt just that she has a new bf but I am guessing that she either cheated and left you or met the guy and dumped you so she could date him. Let me guess...she was either with another guy when you met or she was just out of a relationship. If so she is definitely the stepping stone type person. There are a lot of people, men and women that are like this.
You dont need to let her go as she is already GONE. You need to get over her. So stop contacting her. If she calls then you might talk to her but dont be the one to be calling her. Your other thread is about buying her a B'day present. DONT, she isnt your gf. She has moved on and you need to accept that. This isnt a videogame where you can play again. Its more like a firecracker. once it has gone boom you might wish for it to happen again but it cant because its done. You want to feel that love that you have in a relationship again? Get a new firecracker!
Life can suck, hearts can ache, but thats just temporary. You will get over it and you will find someone new. Dont drag this out or waste anymore time. Feel the pain and let it heal then move on. Good Luck! | |
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| Cut off contact?
Posted: 4/14/2006 7:52:26 PM |
Any experience or ideas on the best methods of getting her back? If you're missing someone but getting a little contact, would losing that contact make you miss them more/enough to go back, or just appear like they're trying to move on and don't want to be with you any more...?
Please don't take this as flippantly as it sounds, but it sounds like it's 4th down and 44 to go. Sure, you could do a Hail Mary pass and get a new set of downs-- but more than likely you just get a case of the downs even worse than you've already gotten.
I don't know the whole story, of course, and as I've said above, sometimes heroics work. But from my own painful experience, I'd like to offer just two words: forlorn hope. Because even if you do get her 'back', you'll always be looking for the other shoe drop every time the going gets rough. And it will, because nobody's perfect. Past experince usually being a reliable predictor of future performance, do you really want to be held hostage by this feeling every time there's a bump in the road?
-Kerry O., "Remember, I've been there and lived to tell about it." | |
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| Cut off contact?
Posted: 4/14/2006 10:25:30 PM | well, some of you have seen previous posts, she got really scared and married an ex before I could get to her. Thus, it involves breaking her word / getting divorced/annuled...
I haven't been making any contact, but she's been making it more regularly. He's got the security that she needs, but the rest isn't there. I guess there's always the possiblity she's not still in love with me, but she's not a good enough actor to respond to my touch the way she does. She's confident he won't ever leave her even to the point where they'd share nothing in the house but the laundry room, so there's no good reason to keep me as a "backup." She knows that I'd stick around without us getting "carried away" to the point that I have to try as hard as I can to keep from losing what morals I have left. Maybe she's just using me for the affection, only she can truly know...
Its not so much an ultimatum, but thinking if making one is the best thing.
Yeah, I've seen jarbarians post, it's such an f'd up situation that it's hard to fit it in, but I guess I'll keep trying. | |
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| Cut off contact?
Posted: 4/15/2006 4:06:31 AM | ^^^^^ Reminds me of that old C&W song:
"..and I'll hang around as long you will let me,
'cuz I never minded standing in the rain.
But you don't have to call me darling, Darling.
You never even called me by my name."
There are lots of other songs and stories about triangles, and it's not an accident that they all end badly.
Your mileage may vary.
-Kerry O. | |
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| Cut off contact?
Posted: 4/15/2006 7:55:26 AM | DUDE WAKE UP!!!!! She is SOOOO messing with ur head...
Tell her that right now you need to do what is best for YOU
You need to CEASE all contact!
If she ends up leavign that guy and DIVORCING him..... then tell her to give you a call...
Man If I was by NJ I'd kick u in the ARS!!!!!!!!! I can kick pretty high!!!!!!!
QUIT fricken trying to get her back! U need to ACTUALLY read what people are writing to you and quit posting threads about the same BS!!!!!!!!!! Pay ATTENTION!
I'm sorry for your situation.... but at this point... U ARE allowing this to happen to you
!!!!!!!!!!!!!  | |
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| Cut off contact?
Posted: 4/15/2006 8:17:52 AM | | Read my thread entitled "So you want a second chance." It will help. | |
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| Cut off contact?
Posted: 4/15/2006 8:49:01 AM | | One thing I've noticed about guys who ask and ask and ask for advice about someone they are no longer with and they want to get back with. Deep down they know darn well why they will never ever , be with this perosn again. They just feel that if they talk a lot about it, it is just like being there. That's why you get all sorts of different advice from people. They know what you're doing, but they want to look interested. If you had a truly fixable situation, you would be given the same type of advice CONSISTENTLY. | |
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| Cut off contact?
Posted: 4/15/2006 8:57:13 AM | | Okay, as hard and difficult as it may seem--and yes, we've all been through it--I have one word for you------>>>>>> "NEXT!" | |
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| Cut off contact?
Posted: 4/15/2006 9:00:51 AM | | Either you both want to make a commitment to each other or you dont. It has to be both of you that want this. If she cant decide or feel there is something she has to deal with first then let her. It wont work if you feel this strongly about her and she isnt ready to accept you. Either she commits or she doesnt, otherwise its healthier to just leave her be until she's ready to give it a shot with you. | |
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| Cut off contact?
Posted: 4/15/2006 9:35:53 AM | I feel for you OP. I have just been through something similar. The difference is it was long distance. It lasted over 3 years and we had only been together twice. In both of those times we could not even find time to be alone to get intimate. I mean, talk about a guy that was in love. I was half out of my mind over her. Yes, like you, I just knew I had found my soul mate. Turns out she had something more tangible at home. An old high school friend (shes 45) was more convenient for her. So from the " I love you with all my heart and then some and more", she used to always say, she turned into a woman I do not even know today. Bitter, hurtful and with no reason. Like you, I did everything to get her back. And everything I did was wrong. The more I tried, the more she pushed me away. Then it hit me...she is not worth it! What she did to me and the way she did it was cold, swift and it even got nasty on her part. It's like she changed over night. But probably been screwing around with this guy for some months before. I finally listened to all my friends and let her go. I would not take her back on a dare or a bet! She'd just do it again. The trust is now completely gone. She still has a place in my heart for what it was and what it could have been. But I can't survive on that. I am now glad that the 3 years of my life that I wasted with her is history.
Do yourself a big favor..I know it will be hard..but listen to all of us here and move on and get her out of your mind and find someone that is mature and will love you the way you want and need to be loved. That's why I'm here. I know I can do better. Make a wiser choice and I just know that the next time, the next woman in my life, it will be so much better.
The pain is still there. But the cure is another to love. I finally can say to hell with her. | |
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| Cut off contact?
Posted: 4/15/2006 12:34:28 PM | I guess it's just hard to give up all hope when it's so good, but according to everyone on here, I have to, so I guess that's that. Doesn't say I won't end up ****ing about it in replies, but I guess I'll stop coming up with new angles  | |
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| Cut off contact?
Posted: 4/15/2006 12:40:06 PM | | here's another story: I met a guy when I was much younger, who pursued me to no end . Even when I cheated on him. Well, he got me. We wound up spending many years together before he decided he'd "get me back" . It hurts to this day, and the pain doesn't go away. | |
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| Cut off contact?
Posted: 4/15/2006 12:43:59 PM | OMG!!!!..why do you continue to do this to yourself??
you are making yourself look pathetic and it is sooooo....unbecoming!!..
she doesnt want you!..she married someone else...
no it wasnt because you "didnt have time to get to her"..
you had her..and still she did this!! She is playing games with your heart and you are letting her!!..
allow yourself to be a victim for one day and one day only...then pick yourself up and move on!!..The longer that you do this to yourself..the worse it is going to get.. | |
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| Cut off contact?
Posted: 4/15/2006 12:49:00 PM | U have to let go of your attachment to her, and develop pure love for her.
And above all, have a sense of humour about this whole situation
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| Cut off contact?
Posted: 4/15/2006 1:01:21 PM | | When a person gives their word they should keep it but comes a time when a woman must make a decision. Either she really loves this guy and is committed to him or she is not. If she is not not withstanding how much you love this woman; better a bit of hurt now than a lifetime of hurt latter. | |
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| Cut off contact?
Posted: 4/15/2006 1:06:30 PM | | Amen! Sounds like you got this lady right. As long as she has a backup why should she make a decision? | |
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| Cut off contact?
Posted: 4/15/2006 7:23:45 PM | OMg listen to no soup he is extremely wise. And ive been what youve been though! You are being played! Stop it! Im so sorry its hard! Its hard for me. I just talked to my ex hes screwing everyone! I made a conscience effort Ive had him on im and deleted him and added him a million times. I love him! But hes not at the same place Im at!! IM tired of persacuting myself!! And u need to too! Hey we may not be totally happy but hell id rather be sad alone then with some loser maikng me feel even worst! We are young attractive I dont care that Im 43 i look like im 30 but hey thatss not hey or there. Im tired of being miserable! And u have to be too! Good bless girl aand keep in touch!! U can do it!
I hope I can too! Karen | |
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| Cut off contact?
Posted: 4/15/2006 7:23:45 PM | | If you guys had it soooo great... she would have done whatever in her power to be with you..... and not married someone out of desperation.... comfort or whatever her lame fricken excuses are! | |
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| Cut off contact?
Posted: 4/15/2006 7:29:13 PM | | coastergirl:youve been always such a wise woman! i RESPECT ANY ADVISE U GIVE! God Bless girl! LOve ya!! Karen | |
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| Cut off contact?
Posted: 4/15/2006 7:59:59 PM | | Yep, listen to coastergal, here. I can understand that you are looking for some great answer, but, when I read you love this person "more than life itself" you might want to take a look at yourself (I say this to you in kindness). You may need to love yourself more and look for a healthier relationship that doesn't involve a triangle. There is nothing worse than the ache of a broken heart. It will pass. But, sometimes we hate to anticipate that because that means letting go of the person. Sounds like this is the focus of your life - try taking care of you and gaining a little balance. It's not easy. I've been there. Good luck in meeting someone better equiped for a healthful relationship - when you are ready! | |
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| Cut off contact?
Posted: 4/15/2006 8:26:16 PM | A lot of things go through your head when it's a matter of your health. People I know who had similar issues said they wouldn't put it past themselves to consider doing something that extreme in a moment of desperstaion. She's been down the road of being debilitated by her disease and gotten better, I couldn't even imagine what the thought of possibly going back to that would make me do. If you look at the rate of divorce due to paralyzation of one partner, a lot of people don't take the in sickness and in health part to the limits. However good we had it, the small seed of doubt, cultivated by the other guy, that I would leave her at some point, and she'd end up in some home with absolutely no one, would probably push most people to what they thought was the more secure and safe choice for the long term...
Yes, I may well be making excuses for her, but sue me I haven't gotten over her yet. I'm new to the world, first job, semi sheltered, can't be fully sure what the rest of my life holds for me; he's got years of experience, a house, etc, he's sown his wild oats, had his crazy years, yada yada yada. She's pretty sure he won't go back to his younger self, but not so sure that I won't end up going through that in the future, no matter what I tell her, how I love her, how I treat her, how I was brought up, etc. Trust your life to a "family member" more than someone where your feelings may be clouded by the love and passion.
Ahh it sucks, I've gotta live with it no matter what, guess I should take the advice of those of you who have been through it before... | |
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