| right/curteous thing to do?
Posted: 4/18/2006 3:21:02 PM | Some months ago I met a guy online with whom I chatted, then spoke on the phone, which led to a meeting where he travelled (2.5 hours) to see me. He stayed in a B&B (as agreed previously) and we hung out for the weekend. Chemistry or Attraction or whatever you want to call it was not there on my part- I can find petty reasons to back it up but ultimately it doesn't matter why- I simply just cannot imagine hanging out cuddling with this man.
So I play it quiet and let him know I am not on fire but a friendship with him would be desirable. I explain that to him as best as I can --I was kind but I made the point clear over and over that pressure for more contact would make me uncomfortable - mostly in response to his-- "when are you going to come see me" requestS. (plural)
So the weekend ends in a hug and a goodbye which lasted much longer than I was comfortable with- not that it was creepy or sexual- just a little clingy for me- particularly since I feel like I am sending out every 'Cool It Buddy' vibe possible.
Between then and the next meeting we chat occasionally but I feel like conversation is stilted and I spend what feels like a lot of energy defining my boundaries and being clear that this is a Friendship.
Next meeting: I am in his town and so he picks me up- Still no fireworks- and takes me to dinner and a drive... now it seems that he is using the word friendship for something more close that i can imagine right now--- ie- he asks me wouldnt it be nice to do a motorcycle trip around the world together? I explain gently that that is not where i see this heading and he backpeddles saying that he is just 'kidding'. but He continues to ask for a 'when will i see you next' to which i restate- I do not know and you continuing to ask is bothering me.
So: next time we chat he tells me how he drives by the place we stopped to talk (NOTHING MORE HAPPENED) and how he thinks if it as Independently's place.
Jokingly with friends I am saying that maybe that is where he wishes to hide the body after the next time we hang out... but seriously, I am a little... disturbed by this?
He seems to think he has met his soul mate and will try to behave as if he can deal with friendship until more comes along. I tried to be nice, but I trust my gut which says you are uncomfortable with this: back off. I don't want to penalize a perfectly nice man for being honest or sincere but I also don't want to clarify 'friends only' more than twice in a date! how do other women deal with this?
Lately he sends me the occasional IM saying 'hi' and 'how is my friend doing'? More often than not- to my shame, I ignore him. Am one step from blocking and deleting him- I figure this is pretty disrespectful but have no other way to continue with a friendship here. Too bad since he is a nice person I think, who just doesnt get boundaries and maybe isnt terribly sensitive to other peoples' discomfort.- or maybe I was too gentle and just should have been brutally honest?
Looking for thoughts on this.
For the recond, I am seeing a man who I like OODLES and this man knows it. So it is sort of moot, but I want to know what I could have done perhaps differently?
btw- be kind- I met him from here, and while i think he is gone from the site- My intent is to learn, not to be hurtful. | |
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| right/curteous thing to do?
Posted: 4/18/2006 3:37:58 PM | I can understand where you are coming from. He just isn't getting it and that can be very frustrating.
I must add however, the biggest mistake you made after your first meeting was to travel to his town for the 2nd meeting. Why would you have done that? You had to have known it would only fuel his fire.
I would have left it alone after the first meeting and let the emails die a slow and natural death. | |
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| right/curteous thing to do?
Posted: 4/18/2006 3:45:47 PM | | Good point, puppyluv. I was in town anyways to see friends- they were my First priority, which he knew. Next time I will communicate what i need to on the phone and gauge how receptive he is at that point. I might have saved us both some confusion/frustration. | |
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| right/curteous thing to do?
Posted: 4/18/2006 4:10:06 PM | First, the right thing to do in this case is NOT to be courteous. There's a fine line between appreciation and obsession. This guy is very clearly on the wrong side of the line.
Women: Trust your instincts. If it feels creepy, then don't let yourself do it. This guy acts like the two of you have known each other for years, when you haven't. No man with any common sense or the slightest of social-skills would unilaterally declare that some place is "our place" after the first date or two. This guy could be dangerous. Flee. Run, don't walk, away. | |
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| right/curteous thing to do?
Posted: 4/18/2006 4:57:00 PM | 'Next time' refers not to him. just creating a new general guideline... I am blocking him now.
And to clarify- I gave him some credit by having a second meeting as friends. (clearly indicated) I felt that he had recieved my message about that loud and clearly, and figured he was able to take care of himself. kind person, clever, professional, independent: a lot of qualities I admire, but just no connection and he just seemed to be slow to realize it wasn't mutual... So I, as I said- gave him the benefit of the doubt and that is when things felt uncomfortable. Doesn't this ever happen to other people? | |
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| right/curteous thing to do?
Posted: 4/18/2006 5:28:22 PM | Yes I find men have a hard time accepting "no" or "just friends".(which is fine with me but just move along-don't try and force more) Maybe women do too but I don't date women so I don't know.(before I get my butt kicked for saying just men thought I'd better put that in)
Kinda sad because I am extremely cautious about men friends(or what I thought were friends)...they seem to always want more but they give it time(pretend they wanna just be friends) so they can get into your life(like he is trying to do)...learned not to discuss personal things or secrets...something they just hold over your head when they don't get what they want.
Oh and ps...Good move blocking him...again kind of sad ya gotta do that but he sounds like trouble ahead...
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| right/curteous thing to do?
Posted: 4/18/2006 5:43:57 PM | In addition to what everyone else said I'd like to say that I was in a similar situation where I wasn't getting the hints. She was uncomfortable and thought that she was making the boundaries clear when I was getting no sign of discomfort from her. Long story short things are a little akward between us now.
My point is that what you might percieve as obvious he may be missing altogether. Most guys I know especially myself don't get anything but the most blunt, and conspicuous messages. | |
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| right/curteous thing to do?
Posted: 4/18/2006 5:47:59 PM | Inde: I've had this problem a couple of times too. I agree with a previous poster that you made a mistake in seeing him while you were in his town. There was no need for him to even know you were going to be there.
I'm glad that you've found someone that you have actual chemistry with! | |
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| right/curteous thing to do?
Posted: 4/18/2006 6:26:15 PM | Ok- Thanks everyone for thier input: it is validating to hear that i was not simply being quick to judge. It is more than a month since this occurred and so time has given me some perspective and I again realize I can do what i need to do and that there is no need to make excuses to anyone. Good lesson. Again :P
Also- Thanks for replying, Ember- Would like to hear more about your experience with that: now what did she do initially and how did you figure it out? What would you have seen happen differently (not including an interest blooming)
And While I don't want to beat this point up- I want to clarify again- I thought this man had very worthwhile friendship potential, before the second meeting. Up to that point- the only problem was I found his cologne overpowering and I was not attracted and we had an awkward goodbye- no big deal- just not Appealing to me. I wanted to get to know him more as a person and friend but then that second meeting revealed discomfort which outweighed that desire by a large chunk. It could have been the other way--- he might have just been nervous and overbearing as a result? Strike two proved that not the case, and I am glad I walked.
I wanted to keep it as an adult interaction- with dialogue and whatnot. I am sad that it ended up being an 'explain my position over and over' and then 'ignore' and then finally 'block and delete' scenario. Not a possibility with this person, and while i understand that- and am actually much happier now that he is deleted... i find it sad that internet relationships - or even relationships in general... can seem so disposable? Does anyone understand that? (that sentiment is not just connected to this scenario- but this scenario seems to reflect it in a kind of extreme way?)
Anyways... Just thinking out loud. maybe i am hijacking my own thread?
have a good day, all.
I Enjoy hearing your thoughts. | |
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| right/curteous thing to do?
Posted: 4/22/2006 12:53:22 AM | Cry Wolf.
or maybe I was too gentle and just should have been brutally honest?
Just be Honest....
I would have left it alone after the first meeting and let the emails die a slow and natural death.
Just be honest on the first date....why leave some one wondering....emails dying a slow natural death???...why?....no need
right/courteous thing to do?
that would be making up your mind....and being up front... | |
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| right/curteous thing to do?
Posted: 4/22/2006 3:27:54 AM | You may want to save reaading this for when you have some free time, I didn't know whenI started, here, that I was going to write a book! But if you have that time right now, Go right ahead and go~! Wth all due respect, you should make sure he's REALLY listening first, by actually telling him to do so...and then tell him that beyond a casual friendship, by the correct use of the word. (and you may want to clarify the meaning of the word friendship to him, since he has used it differently in the past) That you have no romantic interest in him, and could point out that this is not a "friends with benefits" situation for you either.(I think this would describe the way he had used the word friend) That you do think he is nice and he DESERVES to find someone who is right for him. You might add that you are sorry, but that someone is not you. Maybe even telling him of your excitement of possibly finding someone you are now interested in, would be a stronger hint.
Mostly why I am even responding to your post, though, is that I COMMEND you for being so courteous, diplomatic, and caring about the feelings of this man. The mere fact that you state that you do not want to hurt him, you only want to not lead him on, boosts you up as a loving caring human individual. So many times when 'chemistry' is not present, people tend to discount the fact that chemistry or not, there is still a person who has feelings, and possibly fragile self esteem at stake. Even someone with a healthy self esteem can be hammered down to dirt, if they are treated unkindly. To break things off with him in an unkind way, would not only damage his self respect, but it also would not look good on you, either.
Sometimes, to "put yourself in their shoes", is the best way to realize just how you should carry out, not only the process of getting your point across but how to go about doing so without compromising the fact that they, also, have a 'picture' or idea of the situation, or scenerio, even if it is not in line with your own. To do so with respect for their personal needs or adgendas, (or the need for them to change theirs, in this case) is certainly not the simplest tasks for anyone! It truly is a fragile situation, that should be handled with care. I can only wish that I, in the past, had always been treated with such compassion, and with such careful consideration for my feelings. Actually, I have, only I took the hint much sooner than this guy is. But I will say that I did appreciate the gentleness in which I was shown ad it only strengthened the friendship we had only begun. Though, I should also point out that I know the meaning of friendship and do not attatch benefits with it unless it is mutually agreed upon.
There is one other way I know, of getting the hint across to him, especially since you said he is a nice guy, and ...with chemistry, you just never know, right? However this plan only works if you have a friend, who you think might actually like him,,,,shifting the chemistry issue to~>her turn to try!
Whatever you end up with doing, I would encourage you to continue having compassion and attempt to lay it all out there for him. If, however, he persists, and refuses to acknowledge your gentle discouragement, (read~dumping) you may be forced to just tell him bluntly that he is interpreting you incorrectly, to leave you alone, that his persistance is turning your friendship sour, and you no longer want anything to do with him. You might somehow, throw in there (ithout being cruel) that your new love interest is with you constanty! (In the case you are concerned for your safety.)
Good luck to you, and retain your compassion, no matter what happens! You then deserve to have a great life with Mr. Oodles! | |
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