| Why does it have to hurt so bad?
Posted: 2/12/2005 8:11:54 PM | | OK, so heres my sad lil story. I really need to get it out so here goes. I am 24 and I have been in and out of abusive relationships since i was 15. In that time I lost alot of my faith in men and the whole idea of a loving healthy relationship. For the past 2 years I have concentrated on myself, my career and my son and made a decision not to date. Finally after all this time I began talking to this guy and even though i fought it, I started to develop very strong feelings for him. It felt so good to feel that way again and i actually began to believe that he could be the "one", and that just maybe I would know happiness. after being skeptical of men for so long I decided to take a risk and just believe in him and take a chance. Well to make a long story short, he broke my heart. He told me everything I wanted to hear including that he would be "different" and would never hurt me physically, verbally or otherwise. But he lied, he wasnt the person I thought he was.. Im just feeling like after this I will never trust a man again and that it will never happen for me. I am hurting so bad. It took me so long just to be strong enough to take a chance after all the pain I have been through and now Im right where i started. Im feeling so empty and lonely and just want to pull myself out of this and move on, but this time it seems so much harder. Anyone have any advice for me? where do I go from here? Im scared I will never trust again. | |
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| Why does it have to hurt so bad?
Posted: 2/12/2005 8:32:59 PM | | flowers cant grow unless it rains.. and a seed must die to become a might tree.. I am sorry for your pain.. use the things you have leared to better yourself.. look at it this way.. your weeding out your garden to get to the flower.. I know it is difficult to trust again. but take it slow.. give your self time to heal, and listen to your gut feelings.. i pray about each one as i go in to it. . hang in there. he is coming. | |
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| Why does it have to hurt so bad?
Posted: 2/12/2005 10:31:06 PM | | Thanks..Im trying to stay positive and strong and what ur saying definitly makes sense, but i can't help but feel like theres something about me that just attracts guys like this. Im starting to wonder if there are truly any good guys left and if so why can I never find them?? | |
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| Why does it have to hurt so bad?
Posted: 2/13/2005 3:12:59 PM | Depending on how many times the same thing happens, it really could be something you are doing. For example, if you SUBCONSCIOUSLY believe (i.e. learned it as a young child) rudeness is a sign of strength, you will tend to be attracted to rude people. The list goes on and on, however, I imagine you probably get the idea.
As a personal example, when I was young, I believed women were most attracted to guys who could drink a lot. My uncle was an alcoholic, didn’t marry and always had some good-looking new girlfriend at family get-togethers. Go figure.
So, is it possible you might have some similar skeletons in your closets? Could be worth doing some spring-cleaning! | |
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| Why does it have to hurt so bad?
Posted: 2/13/2005 3:58:47 PM |
Im starting to wonder if there are truly any good guys left and if so why can I never find them??
Perhaps you aren't looking in the right places. Truthfully, I'm going through the same thoughts of finding any good girls.
So, tell you what, if either of us find any info about where, we'll swap it!
Good luck to you. | |
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| Why does it have to hurt so bad?
Posted: 2/13/2005 4:16:44 PM | Hi Killalipz....and you sure do have them...you are a beautiful young lady going through a very tough time. When I was your age I had just had my son, was married to a guy who started beating me on the head (no bruises) and eventually was cheating for about 2 years before I found out...I immediately divorced him. Like you, I went through a series of abusive relationships, one time I was still in the motel I had booked into after my final breakup with a 6 year abusive relationship and met a guy and started another one. After that I stopped dating, stopped looking, turned down any offers and felt exactly like you are feeling. So been there, done that. After taking 3 years off to examine my head and wondering why I picked the wrong person or stayed in an abusive relationship so long, I came to the conclusion that I was co-dependant...it was like I was trying to change the man and we know that doesn't work, we have to change ourselves. In a perverse way I was feeding on the abuse. You are so young to have such crappy luck so far, so I don't think you have much baggage or are intentionally picking the wrong man. As far as you attracting bad guys, with your looks honey, you can attract the good ones too. Don't give your heart away too fast, take a real long look at the person you want to be with and if you see any "red flag" behavior, run as fast as you can. I just know you will find the man of your dreams, but it does take some weeding out. Take things very slowly next time and be on guard, when the man has proved himself to be worthy of you, then you can let your guard down. Good luck, and hang in there....he's out there somewhere looking for you.  | |
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| Why does it have to hurt so bad?
Posted: 2/13/2005 4:17:07 PM | | hi my name is donald hodge iam a 36year old black man iam 5"9 200lbs black hair and brown eyes i been there before i been use and dump on because iam a very nice guy i too dont trust any women but there is people out there that well not hurt your feeling sometime i like killing myself because there is not any women out there would date me because of my looks i hope some where a wounderful person well come a lone and ask me out | |
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| Why does it have to hurt so bad?
Posted: 2/13/2005 4:51:29 PM | I feel so badly for you. To be hurt so much as such a young age. I think that it is a fact of life - getting hurt that is. Abusive relationships are not something one sees when they enter them. We always look on the bright side. Unfortunately that may not always be the smart way to go. But, what a dreary life we would lead if we did not have hope. When one loses hope, one dies - maybe not physically, but certainly mentally and physocologically. Why do we allow that power over us belong to someone else? When I got divorced I considered myself a failure. That was the most difficult thing to accept I think. I took this course through one of the local churches, called "Divorce Care". It is a non-denominational course. This program is a multi week program with a different topic covered each week. It helps us recognize and deal with all the common symptoms that surface, even though we don't think we suffer from them. And the minister said to stay out of a relationship for 5 years.
I always got fed up when people tell me that bad things happen to good people, and "it'll only make you stronger". I sure don't feel strong. I was in a relationship with a man a couple of years later, who, after getting to know me on line, on the phone, and then once we met - and it was fantastic - decided to try again with his ex wife. I said to go ahead - but honestly believed he would come back and things would be even better. Well, he did come back and we dated for another year. He broke my heart again. I felt I could never trust him again - and why would I? Anyway, I let him come back - I wanted him as a friend if nothing else. He dumped me again!
Anyway, the moral here is - it takes time to bring back the trust in another man and you will probably take even longer the next time. But .... don't lose hope. Without hope there is nothing. Just take your time. Don't rush things. You sound smart but hurt. But don't give up. He is out there somewhere. Be patient. Don't give up hope. | |
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| Why does it have to hurt so bad?
Posted: 2/13/2005 5:56:49 PM | | Thanks so Much for all the advice. Just knowing that there are ppl who actually care and can relate to what I am going through means ALOT and gives me hope. Just taking it one day at a time... | |
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| Why does it have to hurt so bad?
Posted: 2/26/2005 3:13:23 AM | | hi, i think you are an intelligent woman and i believe you can trust again if only you date for a longer time before sleeping with the guy he will respect you and will not abuse you. | |
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| Why does it have to hurt so bad?
Posted: 2/26/2005 2:59:49 PM | Dear Killalipz,
Im so sorry to hear of your broken heart dear. I just want you to know that there
is nice guys out there, I know because I am one. Just take your time, have hope and faith, and dont go too fast, too soon. I am where your at right now too. It hurts so much that it gives me pains in my heart and sometimes it affects my breathing with like a shortness of breath. But hang in there kid, and God Bless you and take care of your future.
dude | |
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| Why does it have to hurt so bad?
Posted: 9/11/2006 7:07:30 PM | honey....i know the feeling and what you must be going thru...give it time and take it slow...guys can usally pick up on a needy girl...and well you know what happens....you get dumped on...like the previous guy said....your life is like a garden...ya gotta pull the weeds out first....before you can grow.....never give up....remember you have to love yourself first before you can give it.....all the best to ya.....rockon | |
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| Why does it have to hurt so bad?
Posted: 9/11/2006 9:50:59 PM | It will at first, but the pain will only last as long as you continue to dwell on it.
I've had a few bad relationships. In one I was extremely mentally and verbally abused. (Physical abuse is NOT an option when it comes to me.)
But you can't let it affect how you feel about yourself.
If you're a good person, did your part the best you could, then know that the person was a jerk and not worth hurting over.
Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, keep moving, and don't look back.
I know that it's sometimes alot easier said than done. But keep at it. Don't give in to it.
And don't hang on to an abusive or bad relationship. When the signs start showing, start moving. Walk away. It saves alot of pain.
No one will love or want to be with, or care about, or respect, a person who doesn't love, care about, and respect themselves. | |
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| Why does it have to hurt so bad?
Posted: 9/11/2006 10:36:51 PM | You are indeed a stunning beauty, and I wonder what kind of men you CHOOSE! Maybe those that you are attracted to, have inherent bad qualities that result in disappointment.
You ARE on the right track, by questioning your choices. Take more control of your life!
I don't know what to say about the pain and the issue of trust. There is really no way to
sugar coat that. It's just about being human. Some of us, just seem to suffer worse then
others! There are a great many lessons to learn from such experiences. Try and learn, as best you can, otherwise the pain will have been experienced in vain!
Cheer up.
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| Why does it have to hurt so bad?
Posted: 9/11/2006 10:47:25 PM | | I know. The thing to do is focus on the good relationships - if your son is a good relationship, focus on that. Do the things that build good relationships. For me, it's shopping, buying the things that I need. It makes me feel more secure and loved and I don't need anyone's approval to do it. If I need a toaster, I get a toaster, if a TV, then a TV. It makes my mind more sound, and gives me more power and love and makes me feel better. Which makes me think that if it makes you feel good to get a dildo, get a dildo! A dildo tells you exactly what you want to hear, does exactly what you want it to do, and doesn't talk back. It is just subservient and obedient and is loyal and does whatever you say. Gotta love it! | |
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| Why does it have to hurt so bad?
Posted: 9/11/2006 10:54:42 PM | Metaphysicalman is right. Some of us just seem to suffer worse than others. You are a young, smart beautiful woman who deserves a happy and healthy life for you and your kid(s).
The only thing you can do is learn from your experiences. I do believe that it's in our power to make better choices the next time around and I believe that a man that's worthy of your trust will not force you anything, enjoy doing healthy activities while spending time getting to know one another.
When you are a kind, sensitive person, it's always easy to see the good qualities in people--even if these people do not give the same human empathy back.
There are good guys out there, just give all that love you wanted to give to him to yourself and kids. Treat yourself how you want to be treated--take a dance class or splurge on a massage. Do something you've always wanted to try. I know that might sound trite, but by doing something--anything (so long as it's healthy and legal)--that will put a smile back on your face can help.
It takes time and you do have to go through the hurt, yet by doing things that cheer your soul, you won't let him steal your beauty for too long. All that crying makes puffy eyes--I know all about that!
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| Why does it have to hurt so bad?
Posted: 9/11/2006 11:26:10 PM | I don't like that when people say "stop playing the victim". That actually casts the person into a victim role when they may be or may not be.
If one person is treated badly by another, it's natural to have feelings about it and it's natural to question your judgement. These feelings of vulnerablity, sadness, and hurt need to come out in order to work through the issues--that's the first step to healing and rebuilding trust in oneself and other people.
Please do not kick people when they are already down. | |
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| Why does it have to hurt so bad?
Posted: 9/11/2006 11:39:58 PM | Sometimes people do have a tendency to date certain kinds of people. You might attract those types of guys because for whatever reason you're attracted to them. There's a lot of books out there and information on the internet as well that can give you some insight into why you pick these kinds of guys and how you can resolve that within yourself.
As far as trusting men go... I don't think it's something you need to worry about. You can't trust everyone. It's okay to be a little skeptical at first--even a good thing. Trust is to be earned not given away.
Use your resources and get the help/advice you need to fine-tune your jerk detector. | |
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| Why does it have to hurt so bad?
Posted: 9/12/2006 2:59:26 AM | | Yeah...I am in that mode right now...can't trust any dude that walks and talks these days..what happened to the good old days when guys actually were monogamous? | |
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| Why does it have to hurt so bad?
Posted: 9/12/2006 3:58:51 AM | Just hold your head up high and walk proud.
Sometimes it just is not meant to be.
You are beginning to "dance" again, you took the chance and it is worth the "risk" of getting hurt again.
Learning to trust yourself is not easy.
After being in relationships that are not healthy that are "toxic", it takes time to realize you deserve better.
Give it time, don't give up on yourself hun.
Love will, I believe find it's way.
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| Why does it have to hurt so bad?
Posted: 9/12/2006 7:50:17 AM | | Hi hun, your story really touched me. When someone has abused you and has taken away your confidence, you can feel that there is no real genuine people around. My advise to you is dont even consider a relationship yet, just concentrate on yourself and love the person you are. Only when you love you, you will attract the right kind of people and move in the right direction to happiness. Work on your life, career and child. It will happen for you. Good luck and god bless x | |
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| Why does it have to hurt so bad?
Posted: 9/12/2006 8:07:01 AM | sezsweets99;
Funny. I was going to add your thoughts exactly. You saved me the typing. Thanks!
Why are we always in such a hurry to get involved again? This is a clear signal that we
have to work on ourselves, I guess.
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| Why does it have to hurt so bad?
Posted: 9/12/2006 11:25:00 AM | I`ve read all the posts and am now asking if these sorts of scenario`s are brought about by Self Fulfilled Prophecy ?? Eg .. If I was dating a man I truly liked , but he had been hurt in the past , It would soon wear me down to constantly have to reassure him , just like the OP said her last guy did with saying he wouldn`t hurt her etc . Sometimes its about the way we " market " ourselves as being needy and vunerable , we eventually become that way .
Keepa Keeping On ... Step lightly .. think Free xxx  | |
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| Why does it have to hurt so bad?
Posted: 9/12/2006 1:50:26 PM | | hang in there sweetie, it takes time and alot of tears (and a few boxs of haneks) and feeling very low. youll proberly start thinking ok is it me!!!! but it's not you i promise! but the best way to get over a guy i think is to start getting anfry about the things he done to u!...forget about all the good stuff yeh i know it will be hard but u need to do this for u and ur son! take expereince from this! dont trust them too easy! ur guy is out there someone. well i think there is someone for every1. its just finding him babe! but chin up yeh? good luck x x | |
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