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 AUTHOR
 GUMMLE
Joined: 10/15/2005
Msg: 1
Dating Widows/Widowers...Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Apparently some peeps are intimidated by...
The previous relationships of widows and widowers...
Are they afraid of personally being compared to the late spouse?
Or possibly afraid of having the new relationship compared to the previous one?
I don't see the difference between a widow/er and a divorcee (of an amicable split)...
Other than the obvious concern of whether or not the ex will ever turn up on your doorstep...
I would really appreciate some honest insight and input...
 tcvideo
Joined: 3/24/2006
Msg: 2
Dating Widows/Widowers...
Posted: 4/23/2006 5:04:39 PM
I see a difference between a widow and a divorcee.A widow has not failed in a relationship while a divorcee has.Give me a choice and i'll take the widow.
 pearl13
Joined: 3/12/2006
Msg: 3
Dating Widows/Widowers...
Posted: 4/23/2006 5:40:19 PM
@Gummle.... why would someone be intimidated by a previous relationship of a widow/er?..... my only guess would be that they have some insecurities within themselves that most likely relate to their own past relationships ..... as for the difference between a divorcee or widow/er.... I would expect that the divorcee has more healing to do than the widow/er.... and yes, even in an amicable split.... there is always some hard feelings, or they would not be getting divorced. I can only speak from what I have seen and experienced, but when divorced, the ex-spouse often causes complications more than could ever come from being compared to a late spouse. .... JMHO...
 fluflu
Joined: 9/25/2005
Msg: 4
Dating Widows/Widowers...
Posted: 4/23/2006 5:51:12 PM
I am a widower with a 2 year old and the only problem I have with relationships is that I'm scared to death to move on. I really feel like I want to but then I chicken out because I'm always wondering if this is the right person.
 chickiebabe
Joined: 3/4/2006
Msg: 5
Dating Widows/Widowers...
Posted: 4/23/2006 5:56:28 PM
I would date a widower.. in fact i have my eye on one right now ..

just dont wanna push ya know .. can be a difficult situation .. want to respect the late wife as much as possible in the process

Mistress
 spun in
Joined: 12/17/2005
Msg: 6
Dating Widows/Widowers...
Posted: 4/23/2006 6:25:07 PM

Are they afraid of personally being compared to the late spouse?


That would be my guess. No one likes to speak ill of the dead. It would be pretty tough to live up to someone that either didn't do anything wrong or someone that is never mentioned as doing something wrong.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 7
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History
Dating Widows/Widowers...
Posted: 4/23/2006 7:49:22 PM
If you take the time to get to know widow/widowers who are past grieving, you will find out that they have changed greatly after all they have gone through. Fear of any type is caused by lack of self esteem.
 GUMMLE
Joined: 10/15/2005
Msg: 8
Dating Widows/Widowers...
Posted: 4/24/2006 8:15:44 AM
Thank you all...
For your thoughts, insight and input...
It has been very helpful...
I will admit that I had hoped to hear more...
From those that have issues with dating widow/ers...
To get an even deeper understanding of the issue(s)...
But beggars can't be choosers...
Thanx again...
 Leeanne
Joined: 10/14/2005
Msg: 9
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Dating Widows/Widowers...
Posted: 4/24/2006 8:20:11 AM
I personaly would have no problems dating a widower - I would also respect his love for her as it must be very difficult to mask that love - I would not expect him to. I know I certainly love the people who passed in my life and had it been my spouse I would not loose my love for him.
 My_Island
Joined: 12/10/2005
Msg: 10
Dating Widows/Widowers...
Posted: 4/24/2006 8:38:13 AM

I would also respect his love for her as it must be very difficult to mask that love - I would not expect him to


^^^^^That way of thinking would be the best way to enrich the new relationship.... feelings of insecurity and jealousy would only prove a lack of maturity on your part and create resentment from the widow(er).
 roadapples
Joined: 1/13/2006
Msg: 11
Dating Widows/Widowers...
Posted: 4/24/2006 10:38:23 AM
Just to add my two cents.....

There is the thought that a widower/widow has experience at maintaining a successful relationship, which could be a definate plus

Alternately sometimes (I am generalizing, here, don't shoot me!) after a loved one has passed, it can be that only their positive and good traits are remembered, that could be a hard act to follow, sharing a heart with a memory....but if its a big generous heart, that wouldn't be a problem.

There is also the possibility that they have had extreme loss to deal with.....that could be a positive or a negative result depending on the person and the situation, but you would hope that the widow/widower would not be on a site like POF unless they were ready to move on (I know, I know, that is the optimistic outlook)

Add children to the mix and it becomes more complicated, but also workable with effort.

So after all that verbage.....there isn't any definative answer in my mind, once again it depends on the widow/widower, their experience and how they have dealt with the loss of their spouse.

Would it make a difference to me whether widowed or divorced.?.....no, not really, its the quality of person that matters not the hardships that life has handed them


p.s. the grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence, its greener where you water it!

thats it, I'm all out of philosophy for today



 kitkat45
Joined: 6/18/2005
Msg: 12
Dating Widows/Widowers...
Posted: 4/24/2006 10:52:15 AM
Right on Apples hun! Very well said indeed! I totally concur!
 Happily misunderstood
Joined: 2/20/2006
Msg: 13
Dating Widows/Widowers...
Posted: 4/24/2006 3:09:15 PM
I have a lot of respect for someone who is trying to start over after a loss.
 kitkat45
Joined: 6/18/2005
Msg: 14
Dating Widows/Widowers...
Posted: 4/24/2006 3:15:22 PM
Hey hey Happily? I have lost my virginity and I have tried to start over after such a devastating loss....just *sigh* no takers!

OT: I do not know if I get ticked at the comparison between widowed/widow and divorced because I am of the latter class, but truly, I do not think either one makes you a more "dateable" commodity! Some have said a divorced person has already "failed" once.....I don't look it at that way as how does one know the circumstances behind it????JMHO
 Happily misunderstood
Joined: 2/20/2006
Msg: 15
Dating Widows/Widowers...
Posted: 4/24/2006 6:36:05 PM
hmmm Kit you might want to look in your area for a suport group. I joined one after a long weekend that I lost my dignity from doing things I really don't recall.
 Caressa45
Joined: 3/26/2005
Msg: 16
Dating Widows/Widowers...
Posted: 4/24/2006 6:40:40 PM
I dont have a problem dating a widower or a divorcee. Each situation is different and every person is as well. Its all about starting over and treasuring the memories.

@happily: Where does one go when they lose their dignity AT a support group?
 Zoe_
Joined: 2/12/2005
Msg: 17
Dating Widows/Widowers...
Posted: 4/24/2006 7:53:18 PM
I would have no problem dating a widower. In fact in many ways I think that a widower who was ready to move on and had been in a happy marriage would maybe be a better potential partner than one who has been divorced. I seem to have met so many men who have been married far too many times for me to even go there with them ! Sorry but I do have to take a look at a persons track record.

I understand 1 marriage not working out, but 2,3 and 4...makes me wonder.

I have not dated a widow, but then I have not dated a lot. If the person had the qualities that I was looking for then it certainly wouldn't bother me and if they had chikdren that would be fine with me too!
 g1ggs
Joined: 4/23/2006
Msg: 18
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Dating Widows/Widowers...
Posted: 4/25/2006 12:10:46 AM
Dear Gummle,

I am a widow and being out in the dating world again is very different from when I first dated. I married my first date and we were together 25 years. I was very lucky to have someone in my life that enjoyed learning everyday. We learned so much together - we basically grew up together. He died suddenly of a massive coronary at his desk. That was it.

Now, when I look to my future, with the wonderful people I'm about to interact with and possibly grow fond of or love, I look to it as a new form of learning. I am ready to learn new things from someone new. LIfe is always changing - and never be afraid of the changes.

This is how I am dealing with the next phase of my life. On your part never be afraid of someone elses loss, you may be their new beginning - be brave!!!
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 19
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Dating Widows/Widowers...
Posted: 4/25/2006 6:54:12 AM
g1ggs..........well said.
 GUMMLE
Joined: 10/15/2005
Msg: 20
Dating Widows/Widowers...
Posted: 4/25/2006 7:48:35 AM
G1ggs...

Thank you for your kind words...
It's not myself that is afraid (anymore)...
It is others (a few)...
And I am not complaining (or fishing for dates)...
But rather, I am trying to understand...
As a widower confronted with this...

This attitude I have seen (in those fearful peeps)...
Was totally unexpected...
And so far unfathomable...


All posters...

Again, thank you for your input and insight...
 Dr_Malcolm
Joined: 8/14/2004
Msg: 21
Dating Widows/Widowers...
Posted: 4/25/2006 7:50:35 AM
Seeing as how there really aren't that many widows in my age range, I've never really thought about it.

I don't see a problem with it if she's really gotten over it, if she still hasn't really dealt with it then I'd forever live in the shadow of a dead man, and I would never settle for that.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 22
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Dating Widows/Widowers...
Posted: 4/25/2006 8:47:38 AM
People in general don't think about death until it happens to someone very close to them. People who haven't been through it, sometimes come up with some strange ideas, mostly caused by their fear of the subject of death. Best not the waist your precious time on people who don't get it - most of them don't want to get it. Save you engery for people who deserve you.
 walkinguy
Joined: 3/16/2006
Msg: 23
Dating Widows/Widowers...
Posted: 4/27/2006 8:54:43 PM
what a great forum. as a recent widower i'm really enjoying all you insights and comments. I was fortunate enough to spend 15 years with the love of my life and it wasn't easy. Hard times, money, trust, stuff every relationship has. At the end, though it came too quickly, we both depended on one another completley, I will always love her no matter what relationship I may or may not find to end my years in. I could begin a new one tommorrow, but it would honestly be purely physical, though respectful and honest. Sex is a small part of a relationship though human touch and comfort are essential. Sorry if I'm blabberin, this is the first place where I could speak frankly and freely. I wouldn't want my wife to mourn forever, i trust she would love me to the end as well...
 Firmbear8
Joined: 2/12/2006
Msg: 24
Dating Widows/Widowers...
Posted: 4/27/2006 9:13:14 PM
Well now first of all why do people decide if or not how someones past relationship ended is gonna react on anyone new in a relationship?
As sure they may say what happend in their last relationship and thats cool.
But I don't see the differences between a widow or just a lady who's devorsed or someone who's relationship just didn't work out in the past.
As what ever happened was thier past and I respect them for who they are and I move on to whats happening now between us . And I don't see their past relationship as a failure in them or there being anything wrong with them .And futhure more if your dating someone you respect them for who they are and don't use thier past to judge them in any way ! As every relationship is never the same as thier past or your last one so you learn from your past and build on the new relationships always.
As LOVE MEANS alot and if you know what the letters mean then you know how to show it and express it .
L is for learning
O is for observing
V is for values
E is for eternity
And all together these meanings are what love is !!
 GUMMLE
Joined: 10/15/2005
Msg: 25
Dating Widows/Widowers...
Posted: 4/27/2006 11:05:13 PM
@ Firmbear...
The difference is in the emotional ties...
That no longer exist after a divorce...
When your life mate passes away...
You know it wasn't a choice...
That they still loved you...
And you them...
And as Walkinguy said...
You never stop loving them...


@ Walkinguy...
I am so glad that this thread has helped...
More than just myself...
And that you feel comfortable sharing here...
Please don't consider it blabbering...
Your input is as valid and valued as any others'...
I too will always love my late wife...
But I believe it is possible to love again...
That there is room in my heart...
For another as well (I have a big heart)...
The problem is finding a woman...
That can share...
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