| Question about little girls
Posted: 4/25/2006 2:39:13 PM | Ok, short background...I am a single custodial dad of a soon to be 5 year old girl and soon to be 7 year old boy. That have lived with me exclusively for almost three years now and have seen their mom 5 times now. This last time was on a trip over spring break to grandma and grandpas.
Needless to say, she hasn't had much contact with the kids even on the phone. But each time she increases contact through phone calls or apparently the visit this time was longer than the normal three hours...she was with them for like 5 hours and layed down with them at their bed time...my daughter regresses and suddenly she has to be with me constantly if she is home from headstart to the point of having to sleep in my bed again. At least this time she stayed potty trained...last time (about a year and a half ago) she was suddenly no longer potty trained. Last time it went on for about 2 months and she refused to talk to her mother then as well on the phone. Last time it was just increased phone calls.
Any ideas on what might be going on? All she tells me is that she is afraid and scared to sleep in her own bed. I mean I am ready to take her to a family counselor here.
Kevin
The sleepless dad | |
|
| Question about little girls
Posted: 4/25/2006 3:12:16 PM | all i can think of is maybe she is afraid/ scared that when she wakes up in the morning in her own bed you too mighten be there like her mother.... thats just what came to my heart first.....
it might be a good idea to have family counselling... you will have to find a good one that she will be comfortable with... or else she wont talk....
good luck hun... you have done a great job over the years and you have plenty more to come.... | |
|
| Question about little girls
Posted: 4/25/2006 3:26:49 PM | I'm with nunthewiser. When we first got divorced, my daughter wanted to sleep with me all the time. The counselor said it was because she needed to know I wasn't going away.
Another thing to consider, do you have any idea what the Mom says to your daughter? She may inadvertently be saying something that upsets her.
If you go the counseling route, make sure it is one who deals regularly with children. They have special needs, those little angels of ours. And enjoy these days when your kids still want to be with you. You'll remember them fondly when they are teenagers!  | |
|
| Question about little girls
Posted: 4/25/2006 4:04:16 PM | Kevin,
Went through something similar myself as my kids transitioned from a loving home to two separate homes. The kids still want to sleep with me though they have come to accept that as normal since they sleep in their mom's bed at home. given the limited exposure the kids have with their mom, it could evry well just be the separation anxiety.
My Son went through a similar instance the other day that lasted for the better part of the day, many accidents and ultimately lit his mothers plant on fire. Was hard for me to repremand him with a straight face. It really made me stop and wonder what was bugging him and what the issue was. as a whole I find open dialogue works great with the kids (My daughter is 7 and son is 4). Let them talk to you as opposed to fishing for what might be there. As mentioned a good counselor can assist in this.
I wish you luck and I am sure you will get through it! | |
|
| Question about little girls
Posted: 4/25/2006 4:06:48 PM | Kevin
I am going to agree with the others. Stability is very important to a child and her mother comes and goes.
Give her a lot of hugs and enjoy the closeness. | |
|
| Question about little girls
Posted: 4/25/2006 4:43:14 PM | | Hi I read your problem and all the responses, I have a little girl too, everyone gave you great advise, and councling is great, helped my daughter and myself greatly. Also try and listen when your daughter plays with her dolls or barbies. I heard a lot from my daughter when she was playing when she didn't know I was listening. Seperation stress is difficult, they are also some great books on this, my councilor gave me some great stuff to read, check it out. Best of luck. | |
|
| Question about little girls
Posted: 4/25/2006 4:45:15 PM | Hi Kevin,
I just read your your posting. I would definitely seek the help of a professional here. There are a loth of issues at hand here and I know this because of my own experience. Counselors can work throught play therapy and other means of communication to determine the issues and them work through them. Expect to join in and maybe include your son as well.
Better now than when the teen years arrive....
Best of luck,
Kim | |
|
| Question about little girls
Posted: 4/25/2006 5:12:55 PM | I want to thank everyone for their advise and suggestions. I have spokent to a family counselor and my daughter and I are going next week. We will go from there and see what is happening. The counselor has suggested ceasing any contact with my daughter for the time being. That is of course the easy part since as soon as she knows it is her mother on the phone she tell me and her brother she doesn't want to talk to her. Although I am not so sure she needs the stress of knowing that she has called.
Thanks again everyone.
Kevin | |
|
| Question about little girls
Posted: 4/26/2006 4:17:42 AM | | I am going to be the devil's advocate here. But could it be mom or one of mom's boyfriends is messing with her. That is why she is afraid to sleep in her own bed. I say that, as a abused child I hated when my father wanted to "sleep" with me. | |
|
| Question about little girls
Posted: 4/26/2006 8:52:54 AM | | Once knew a man who point blank admitted that his last child was his LAST child, and he didn't want the kid to grow up. Wanted him to stay a baby forever. Kid couldn't even say his own name and wasn't even close to being potty trained at the age of 5!!! Maybe mommy is the same way, and that is causing the regression. Hard to say not being a fly on the wall during these visits. But, counseling is the best idea. At least FIND OUT what is happening. | |
|
| Question about little girls
Posted: 4/26/2006 9:47:38 AM | | i took my daughter to a counselor, we call her the 'talking doctor'. Not sure if it did much, but my daughter got a kick out of the fact that she has a 'talking doctor'... | |
|
| |
| Question about little girls
Posted: 4/26/2006 3:06:43 PM | When my daughter used to visit with her dad on weekends, I would go crazy for a few days after, her behaviour was terrible. I thought it was from being seperated from her dad. He lied to me, used to go to friends with her and get drunk, thank heaven the friends wives were reponsible enough to look after her because sometimes he wanted to drive her home while he was drunk and they wouldn't allow it, had him leave her behind for her own safety, or had him stay the night. She was too young to tell me what was going on and I only found out about it long after. Nobody would tell me for fear of me refusing to let her come for a visit. He told me he had quit drinking to prove he could be a good father. Found out after I ran into his friends ex g/f, she told me the truth. My ex denies all of it, he has selective memory, if he gets caught in a lie, he denies saying or doing whatever, even when I can prove different.
Who knows what your ex is saying to your daughter, get her to a councillor, depending where you live there could be a waiting list, so make arrangements as soon as possible. | |
|
| Question about little girls
Posted: 4/26/2006 5:18:12 PM | Thank you all for your input. My daughter and I have an appointment for next week and the counselor has suggested to cease all contact with their mother for the time being until we can figure out what is going on.
I definitely hope that it is not something all weird like her having been molested or somethig because I would probably go off the deep end and be wanting to kill some one. In the meantime I am just going to hope that it is more that she doesn't know how to handle or deal with her mother since she sees her so rarely.
Kevin | |
|
| Question about little girls
Posted: 4/26/2006 6:41:00 PM | Glad you're going to see a counselor...I wanted to mention something to you that maybe you could ask the counselor about if it sounds like something you might be interested in...
You might ask about a mentoring program, like Big Brothers & Big Sisters. If you aren't familiar with it, you sign up for a Big Sister for your daughter and they find a good match for you, close to your home and that woman becomes your daughters Big Sister (or Big Brother if the child is a boy). They agree to see the child on a regular basis and spend time together.
I was a Big Sister for several years to a little girl who lived with her father and had little/no contact with her mother who was a flake.
The little girl needed a female in her life so he sought help. We had the best time together and I beleive she truly benefited from it. Her dad did a wonderful job but sometimes she needed to be with a woman and I tried to fill that role. She could call me whenever she wanted and I tried to see her every other weekend.
According ot her father and the counselors that worked with the family, she did much better in school and other relationships after we got to know one another and started spending time together.
Anyway, jsut somethingto think about. Maybe not now as she's still pretty young but perhaps in the future? The little girl I was matched with was 7 when we first met but I do think she would have benefited from having a woman around much earlier.
Good Luck to you and let us know how it goes? | |
|
| Question about little girls
Posted: 4/26/2006 7:01:28 PM | I agree with those who mentioned separation anxiety. That's what would have made one of my four act like that. Plus, you should be aware that, no matter how cleverly you and your ex-wife Act nice together when the kids are around, kids know EXACTLY how you and your ex really feel about each other. I would go so far as to say even better than you or she realixe yourselves.
Kids are relationship experts. They pick up on who's genuine, who's not, even better thanv a counselor, trained in psycology i would suggest you and your ex have some REAL discussions from time to time. BEFORE visitations take place. The last thing either of you want is a little girl (teen ) looking for love in all the wrong places. Or a little boy who has trouble with closeness and commitment. | |
|
| Question about little girls
Posted: 4/26/2006 8:10:33 PM | Hi Kevin,
I am so glad you are seeking professional help. I'm sure you will be as well.
I just wanted to make a suggestion to you as far as any relationship you may be in or may begin in the near future; please make sure you thoroughly take care of your baby girl first. It sounds as if you are her sole parental role model in her world right now, and she needs you wholly.
I pray things will become happy and healthy for all of you!
Kim | |
|
| Question about little girls
Posted: 4/27/2006 7:21:06 AM | " I would probably go off the deep end and be wanting to kill some one."
I can completely relate to that, but, remember that if you go to jail your kids have no one left really. You have to be good or they deal with the consequences as well.
Also, I tried letting my daughter have one of those Big Sisters. Horrid experience. The Big Sister didn't really care what my kid wanted to do, just wanted to treat her like a dress up doll (this woman wore as much make up in a day as I go through in 5 years, which was the first clue this was a total mismatch). She was actually a very BAD influence, and my kid was freaked by all that Halloweenish makeup. IF you consider this program, be very careful who they match your kid up with. | |
|
| Question about little girls
Posted: 4/27/2006 7:51:20 AM | Yes delytful I have thought of that. That is why I would be thinking about it and would be letting the law handle it.
Not sure about the Big Sisters thing yet. I am thinking my daughter might be a bit young for it yet. She has good interactions with her Headstart teachers so I am not too worried yet about her needing a good female role model.
Right now I just want to get her through this first and then we go from there.
Kevin | |
|
Home
login 
