| | Views on Single ParentingPage 1 of 3 (1, 2, 3) | | Here is a topic for everyone. I was recently having a conversation with a friend of mine who is in her mid 30's. She is single and has not had good luck with men in the past. Well our conversation got onto the topic of single parenting. She told me that for the last few months, she has been thinking about having a child and raising it on her own. Right now she does not have any kids. During our conversation, she mentioned that she thinks that she is going through the stage of her clock ticking and she has been feeling that it is time to consider having children. My response was how are you going to do this without a man in your life? She said to me that with or without a man, she wants a child. I wasn't sure what to say to her at that moment. I guess after thinking about it, I thought that she had a point but also that every child should have both parents in their life if possible. Sometimes it is not possible due to unforeseen circumstances. Basically she wants to just get pregnant and raise a child on her own. She said that she would not do it without telling the other person. It would be someone that is willing to do this for her but not necessarily stay in the child's life unless my friend wanted them to. I personally have a lot of friends that have children and have said that they wouldn't know what to do if they had to do it on their own, without a partner. Needless to say, I told her what my friends have said but also that in the end it is her decision to make. She told me that she knows it is hard to raise a child, especially as a single parent, but she said that she wants to take the chance. She said that she just doesn't want to wait too long, only to find out that she is too old and can't have kids. My question is, what do you think? Single Parenting is a hard job but if your friend told you this or asked for your input, what would you tell them? | |
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| Views on Single Parenting
Posted: 4/25/2006 7:27:24 PM | AS a single custodial dad I can tell you it isn't the easiest thing in the world. I think your friend may have some romantic notions tied up there.
I would tell them to spend some time with some single moms, maybe even babysit someones kid/s for a weekend and see how she likes it. Once you have kids of your own you can't go to the store and return them.
If they had done that and still wanted to do it I would suggest they use artificial insemination because that way they do not know the father and there are no paternity issues or issues of child support. If she is wanting to raise a child on her own I hope she is in a position physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially to do so.
Kevin | |
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| Views on Single Parenting
Posted: 4/26/2006 4:54:24 AM | | u can tell her anything u want.. but in the end.. its her final decision that she`ll have 2 live with.. i`ve been a single parent now 4 about 5-6 yrs.. i wouldn`t change it 4 the world!.. love my kids!.. and i certainly don`t need a man in my life 2 help me raise my children.. think i`ve been doing a good enuff job on my own.. and if its something she wants 2 do.. then by being her friend.. u should stand right beside her & not be so judgemental of her decision.. | |
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| Views on Single Parenting
Posted: 4/26/2006 6:47:20 AM | I was a single parent most of my adult son's life... not a problem. Babysitters are available if you want to go out. Some single men even enjoy the rug rats.
Kids are fun to travel with (not everyone's kid maybe).
Kids are pleasant in restaurants (if you take something, toy, to keep them amused).
Kids are always on your side and rarely argue (at least mine).
It takes a strong woman and one who can manage with only two hands and one pea brain.
It takes creativity. It takes patience.
But, yes, It can be done and done well.
Tell her I did it mostly without child support. I created my own job to work hours around his early kindergarten and school years. I later used a live in babysitter as my job took me out of town. I used my Mom as a Sat nite babysitter.
You have to one who can get over the trials and tribulations of life with a bit of humor as you wipe the puke off your fav blouse. | |
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| Views on Single Parenting
Posted: 4/26/2006 10:43:50 AM | What's the problem?
A friend of mine did just that. She wanted to have a baby. She met a man whom she discussed this with and had said to him that he can be a part of the child's life or not (it's up to him) but he can't be there and not be there when he feels like it. She would never go after him for support as this is what she wanted to do.
Her daughter is now six years old Happy and it's just the two of them. Her father decided to not be a part of her life and I'm sure when she is older and has questions her mother will get in touch with him.
For some people it could work. For some it can't.
I don't understand telling your friend how hard it is to raise a child on your own.. etc.. etc..etc.. Do you have any idea how many children are or adults who have been raised in single parent households and are perfectly fine? I agree that every child deserves to be in a loving home with both parents but I find it is more destructive to the child to be in a hostile environment when the two parents are together rather than apart.
Life is about choices. Have no regrets. Children are a true blessing. Support your friend in their decision whether or not it is something you would do or not.
Oh I know Today's Parent had an article on this about single women with careers having children on their own and raising them. Check out their web site. It may be of some help. | |
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| Views on Single Parenting
Posted: 4/26/2006 7:15:39 PM | Thanks for your input but I would like to make something clear after reading some of your thoughts. In regards to what "~LQQKING4LOVE2~" wrote, I am standing behind my friend and I am not being judgemental. I told her that in the end it is her decision and no matter what she decides, I will support her 100% because that is what friends do. In regards to single parenting, I know it is hard because I was brought up split between my dad's place and my mom's place from the time I was 10 years old. Living with my mom was especially hard because there were times when there was little food in the house, but we survived. I totally agree with "diggy03" that it is more destructive to the child to be in a hostile environment when the two parents are together rather than apart. No child should have to witness any kind of violence or abuse even if it is verbal abuse. The only reason I mentioned to my friend that it is hard to be a single parent is because I have seen it first hand especially when the two parents don't get along even after they have split. One more thing about what "~LQQKING4LOVE2~" wrote, I agree with you about the fact that a woman does not need a man in her life to raise a child. Women are strong!
Anyways, thanks for all your input. I am sure that no matter what my friend decides, she will be happy and that is all I want for her...heck I will even babysit for her and be honored when she asks. | |
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| Views on Single Parenting
Posted: 4/26/2006 10:45:39 PM | | I sense a poor guy out there somwhere getting tricked into payind child support for 18 years. Also, take a look at statistics for how well children of single mothers do compaired to two parent households, it's not good. | |
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rip27
| | Joined: 3/27/2006
Msg: 8 | |
| Views on Single Parenting
Posted: 4/26/2006 11:29:04 PM | | are we forgetting about the man in the equation where do they get there male perspective on things? | |
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| Views on Single Parenting
Posted: 4/27/2006 6:51:43 AM | | Good parenting is the most interesting job in the world. Single parenting well will be the toughest job she ever signed on for (one person has to be the good guy and the bad guy, and usually it will be the bad guy who has the last word). Balancing career, your child, your finances, and the views of others will be the most challenging thing she has ever done. Me, I wouldn't trade it for anything in this world or th next. Not glad to be a single parent but Proud to be a parent of a wonderful miracle. He's the best thing I ever accomplished to date. Good luck with your choice and never regret whatever you choose. | |
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| Views on Single Parenting
Posted: 4/27/2006 6:58:56 AM | Perhaps there should be a legal issue resolved due to this... a Pre-baby like a pre-nuptal...
a "I don't expect any financial support from this donor" kind of thing. Maybe if that were the offer, she could have a designer baby... the father picked for his looks, brains, etc...
Other than that, she should have the rights of any other single mother out there. I think it's beautiful to want to be a mother and not worry the consequences of another person involved.
Every person on earth should have a small opportunity to raise a child, as it is an experience unlike any other. Even if they only do this as a temporary thing...
My step daughter is now 12. She lived in the home with me 5 years. I enjoyed that, even though her mother is now keeping her - I had the opportunity to have a daughter when otherwise I'd only had sons. These experiences are priceless. | |
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| Views on Single Parenting
Posted: 5/29/2006 7:56:20 AM | I think it's pretty messed up and very selfish.
I really do, whats she going to do get a bloke to have sex with her say she is on the pill and get pregnant with his child and not tell him ?
Maybe i am one of the good guys but if i got a lady pregnant I would defo want to be there for the child even though I have no plans for children.
Mind you having said that there are enough good looking macho men out there who dog-dick it everywhere she may get lucky.
Sorry to say, ya just don;t mess about when kids or other peoples lives are concerned. | |
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| Views on Single Parenting
Posted: 5/29/2006 7:58:21 AM | there is a difference between being a sinmgle parent circumstance than planning it that way.
Sure ya do not need a man but don't ya sometimes feel it would be easier if there were more hands on deck ?  | |
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| Views on Single Parenting
Posted: 6/1/2006 5:40:57 AM | I do not understand why anyone would plan on being a single parent. If it works out that way, you have to get through it somehow, but in a lot of ways it is just horrible. I was alone most of my children's growing up years, and was also exhausted the entire time.
Also what is with all of the women on here and the "I don't need a man" thing? Maybe I don't need a man in the same sense I need food, but I have no problem saying I want and Need a man in my life. Yes I am a whole person, but yet I feel there is something missing. | |
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| Views on Single Parenting
Posted: 6/1/2006 7:35:52 AM | | This gives a whole new meaning to selfish. Tell your friend to consider the BABY first and not her "need" to be a mommy. | |
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| Views on Single Parenting
Posted: 6/1/2006 8:36:15 AM | I'm a single parent by circumstance (I'm a widow).
While I do okay financially, it is only because my parents were willing to let me live at home so I could go back to school and make my way. I recently was able to purchase a new home after I was able to purchase the new car. I pay student loans, a mortgage, car payments, insurance, all the household expenses and ALL the childcare and child rearing expenses (such as new shoes every three months). It's been a long uphill battle but it is worth it.
The finance part is no big deal as I'd have to work anyways. I do wish I could have been at home when she was younger, but of course that wasn't an option.
The thing is, there is no replacement in her life for the lack of her father. Kids need moms AND dads. While my dad is a strong influence in her life (but he's grandpa -- the "good time" guy), there is never any replacement for a dad's influence in a child's life. I worry about how she is going to relate to men in the future since she doesn't have any perspective into
I would never ever choose this life for me or for her. I doubt any truly single parents out there would choose single-parenthood as a life choice. | |
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| Views on Single Parenting
Posted: 6/24/2006 5:07:08 PM | Please direct all hate mail directly to me as not to make yourself look foolish in the open forums.
"This gives a whole new meaning to selfishness," is an understatement, Jazz !
A list of adjectives are coming to my mind faster then I can type them. How about moronic, ridiculous, absurb, deranged, and just plain insane for starters.
When is raising a child in our society like picking out a coat or a car for chrips sake???? No, it's a contract for 18 and life to go.
I suggest your friend sign up for parenting classes, volunteer at a troubled youth center (and listen to the kids), an appointment for a Child Psychologist, and a long talk with a Preacher, before she hits the local sperm bank for a withdraw.
Not one Good loving Single parent can look me in the eye and say, " Oh. I wouldn't want a careing,loving, spouse for my child/ren, it's much better for the child and me, by myself"
Children are not just another item out of the Mail order catalog, with instructions."Insert sperm A into slot B, and C them off to college". They don't come here on the "Hey I'm here Bus". To some one that conjures up thoughts so selfish as " Oh I just want a child, the child's best interest can come second to mine"
I think I am one of the best (Single) Father's on the planet, and I am within a voice call of my daughter all but about 20 hours of the week. Financially, spiritually, emotionally, healthy, educated, and well supportive among others for my 4 y.o..
Might not be the sharpest fishing hook in the pond, and don't need to hear the repetitive request daily from my daughter to see that it would be healthier for daughter to have a happy, careing, loving mother figure in her life.
Biggest question I would pose. If your friend is at the final hours of her biological clock in life and is unable to cohabitant with a mature adult all these years(?), what on god's earth makes her think in her senior years she can play both roles?
Might another suggestion be that she participate in some local single parent and/or Christian dating functions, There are plenty of good single father's out there that would take a women with that much love to give a child, and bring along a little one for her to get a head start of the job responsibilities of a Mom.
I am so done with the forums for the day,
BDJ | |
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chinua
| | Joined: 9/30/2005
Msg: 17 | |
| Views on Single Parenting
Posted: 6/24/2006 7:04:23 PM | | everybody has their opinions............i had that one^^^^ when i was younger........i would prefer to be married..........the whole thing........and..I've seen young women who got pregnant deliberatley.....to stay on welfare.........talk about taking a chance on getting STD's....but.....I'm 39.........hard to stay calm about it...........and when you think about your options..........getting insulted; doesn't help.........at all.........especially when its from someone who already has kids. I getthe old......'you don't understand because you don't have kids'...on this thread I'm so tempted to say ' you don't understand because you do!' | |
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| Views on Single Parenting
Posted: 6/24/2006 9:03:13 PM | Well, a burning desire to do, to be, or to have is never easy to ignore. Therefore, if a woman seriously wants to become a parent but she cannot find a man, and the time available for her to become a biological mother is running out, then I can see why she would feel tempted to become a single mother.
In life everyone makes or should make their own decisions and in addition each must be able to accept the consequences. The financial and childcare responsibilities are obvious.
But if a woman waited so long until her mid-thirties with the hope of meeting her dream man before having children with him, then that fact indicates to me that she had traditional family values. And such values are not easy to erase.
Therefore, after acting in accordance with her burning desire to become a parent before time runs out, it is not improbable that she would feel an overwhelming sense of grief because the act of deliberately becoming a single parent would coincide with the death of an ideal she had cherished in her heart throughout her adult life.
Each woman knows what her individual goals and values mean to her. And she will make her own decision accordingly. But personally I would say do not give up on love. It could be closer than you think.
wiseone | |
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chinua
| | Joined: 9/30/2005
Msg: 19 | |
| Views on Single Parenting
Posted: 6/24/2006 11:10:11 PM | wiseone......thankyou......... for your understanding........for trying to see things the way we do...without insults...you're right, for some of us its not easy! | |
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| Views on Single Parenting
Posted: 6/25/2006 1:04:59 AM | chinua, thank you for acknowledging my post. I have read a number of your posts during my membership on plentyoffish.com and know that you are a good person.
Yes, I am sure that things will work out well for you chinua. Take good care of yourself in the meantime....
wiseone | |
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| Views on Single Parenting
Posted: 6/25/2006 2:13:37 AM |
To rip27: Male perspective? Not sure what that even means, but more than likely all women have male relatives and friends.
Child Support? If a woman for whatever reason wants to do this she can use a sperm bank. | |
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| Views on Single Parenting
Posted: 6/25/2006 10:25:58 AM | Thought I'd jump back in her before the litttle one and I are off to church , not that I'm a Bible thumper, but I'm always there on the weeks that she sings.
Thought maybe I could fill out one of those little cards before church that the Reverend takes time to answer during services for directional enlightenment..
"I'm a single women that hasn't been able to find a men, but I want to"....... take a chance at.....(at having a child)..... " (what OP states)
I digress, there is no sence in me taking up time , for I am pretty aware the church stands on this issue.
Chinua, Insulting?? Offensive as you may say??? Think not . Around my zip it's WOWby BDJ. In other words It's a Big Daddy Joe reality check. Yea, I will say the things that others will think, but won't.
Your post was one of the first I read. Read lots of them. I like your way of thinking pretty much I even read all 6 you posted in ONE night this week along with 3 other women posting 8 times each ,just to shut the thread down , you are all so onesided.
It just amazes me that people in this thread talk of a child as chattle. Or as a Lotto ticket, which we can take a "chance" at.
Has our society brainwashed us that much??
Human life is the most precious on the planet. It's sad when times have come that it is thought of as just another object to hurry up and acquire to put a check on my list of things to get.
Op's friend has so much love, and understanding in her character make-up that she can't find a man???? Well, that tells me there is a signal coming in from higher source.
You don't want to subscibe to that way of thinking...GREAT.
I'll play advocate for the child.
Is it not the right of a child to at least start a life off with 2 parents that want them here? Something happens to the mother early in the childs life, then what?? We already took the "chance" and in doing so cut ALL resorces by 50%.. Maybe we could then shove the child with the Grandmother? or better yet.... Let them be award of the Government?.... Is it not the right of the child to have the influence of both genders growing up?? Is if not the childs right to have two sides of the family tree to grow and experence with?, to have the knowledge of? etc,etc etc??
Yes, it truly is sad that we live in a world that it's all about "ME,ME, ME", and we are no longer happy with ourselves to boost. Hey look at my shiny SUV, look at my Doctorates Degree, look at my house... It's hey look I can't find a man,but Na-na-na, I got's a little baby anyway.
One step under that would be to voice your "Opinion" on a forum when forum is asking for advise ( not factual) and not want to except the opinions ofothers.
Am I harsh on the matter? Am I insultive???, or arrogant??? Maybe I have to be, at this narrow minded way of thinking. I'm speaking up for the child wherever they maybe, be it a tube of liquid nitrogen or on a bar stool 1/2 an hour before closing.
BDJ
Chinua feel free to email, I can't you. | |
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| Views on Single Parenting
Posted: 6/25/2006 4:52:54 PM | BDJ, you're hitting on all cylinders, bud.
To the OP, it's a shame, really, that a financially secure single person is all but prohibited from adopting a child. There are plenty of children already conceived and born that need a nurturing and loving household. Also, the financial burden of raisng a child cannot be understated. I heard recently where it has been projected that it will cost, on average, approximately $200,000 to raise a child to its 18th birthday. That's well over $10,000 per year of additional financial burden--a cost projection that is unlikely to decline. If the pregnancy results in a special needs child, the burden could be astronomical.
Also, any man contemplating impregnating a woman in similar circumstances on a voluntary basis (or involuntary for that matter--one night stands, etc.) should probably consult an attorney first and be very clear of the legal ramifications. Laws vary by jurisdiction and one cannot generally avoid consequences of the law even by written agreement between the parties. Also, it's always possible that once the child is born that the woman could move to a jurisdiction that would pursue child support from the father even though the jurisdiction of conception might not have pursued on behalf of the child. Again, everyone must be very careful. Marriage is a legal as well as a moral institution that society developed for the primary purpose of raising children in the best possible environment. Of course, consult your attorney for legal advice, etc. before participating in any biological clock madness.
Perhaps I am focusing too much on finances, but it's very difficult to do something right if you can't afford to do it right. | |
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| Views on Single Parenting
Posted: 6/25/2006 6:04:05 PM | women may not need men in their lives to have children but those children need those men in their lives to be their fathers.
i chose to be a single parent at the age of 19. my son is now 18. the only thing i would have done differently was pick a real man for a father. i was young and selfish and chose to be a single parent, not taking into consideration the feelings my child might have later on in life. i got lucky with my son... he knows the truth and doesn't resent the selfish reasons that brought him into this world. he does resent the fact that his father is a loser but i have always taken responsiblity for that choice.
i couldn't possibly recommend a woman go out have purposefully have a child on her own for no other reason than the child deserves to have a father in its life. | |
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| Views on Single Parenting
Posted: 6/26/2006 9:40:05 AM | First off, I'm back....hehehehe
secondly: "you are all so onesided."
heck yeah...did you think I would be open minded on such a subject...?
Let's speak about this whole one minded issue for a minute :)
let's first stick to the facts that the time period for a man to have have a child
exceeds the time period for a women, #1. Next, if your not a "women" you
will never ever and I mean EVER understand what it feels like in body, mind and
soul to long for a child. So yes, I agree they are the most precious gifts and can
you image hitting a point in your life where you could be told, "sorry you've pased
that time period", consider that. Yes it may seem selfesh and even beyond that
but single parent or not we all vocalize how happy we are and how lucky we are
and after that you can say "selfesh" ....? frig somebodies saying hey I wish I was
that lucky and sorry if that offends you but grow up, it's not new that everyone
longs for something. Maybe it sounds like an oject etc. to you but that's not what
I read from my point of view I read a person state that her friend is scared she might
never have a child if not now. Just stop for a second and think about yor child(ren)
for one second and image never being able to be a parent....? hmmmmm..............
Yes I think it's crazy that she would have one as a single parent etc. and yes that's
selfesh but who are we to judge, we all have kids.....so we really don't know how
she feels. I'm saying "hey I'm not in her shoes......"
I think if I wasn't able to have kids I might have some crazy thoughts myself because
nothing in my life has ever brought me more joy, happiness, love and a million
other wonderful feelings and experiences then being a parent.
Just for the record a child starting of with both parents isn't always the best thing,
keep that in mind.
"ME ME ME".......I don't hear that btw. Also we are listening to the friend of the
person so it isn't really all clear:) trying to be rude just point out the obvious.
"I'll play advocate for the child."
that's all fine and dandy, Then I'll play the hormones of a women
GPH
remember, she hasn't actually done it.....merely just thoughts, and we all have
those. | |
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