| Child Support - not paid or expected
Posted: 5/1/2006 11:09:01 PM | I have a quick question.
My ex is very involved in our kids lives. He doesn't pay an ounce of child support, what is your take on that? I have had so many people look down on him but he cares for them in the most important way....and isn't it more important the understanding that we have? I don't make more than him...and I don't demand anything of him..I think that just leads to a lot of hostility and it actually gives him a control card. It is easier for me to do it myself than deal with the headache of it all.
I just dno't know why I feel like I have to justify that to someone else (and I don't mean anyone here) | |
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| Child Support - not paid or expected
Posted: 5/2/2006 12:07:30 AM | hi
I have two teen daughters who live with me. Theyve only been with me for a little over a year. When they were with thier mother I paid child support. Now she pays support. I was very involved with my daughters as so is she. We both know it can get expensive raising kids these days. If he cares and loves his kid /kids (Idont know how good of friends you 2 are) and loves his kid /kids. he should have no problem paying. It doesnt have to be alot but he should pay something... I hope you resolve everything and wish you luck... D  | |
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| Child Support - not paid or expected
Posted: 5/2/2006 2:54:15 AM | What impresses me about your post is how independent and responsible you come across as. I suppose I could argue that the child support is not for you but, rather, for the kids, and its really their money, but, in the end this is your own personal choice.
I do pay child support and I don't begrudge her one penny of it. We have shared and equal custody but there is a large discrepency between how much I make and how much she makes, and in order for her to provide for them, she needs the money.
In some respects I am jealous of you. I don't have a very good relationship with my ex, and in all honesty, my children have suffered because of it. Healthy environments and loving parents are more important than any amount of cash. I can only tip my hat to you.
If it were me in his shoes, however, I would volunteer the child support by using the government formula to determine what the amount is that should be paid. Having said that, I am not in your shoes or his.
It sounds like your children have a lot going for them by having two exception parents. I won't criticize your personal choice, but I will pass on best wishes to both you and your family. | |
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| Child Support - not paid or expected
Posted: 5/2/2006 3:20:45 AM | there is nothing controling about child support. as a single parent i have learned to be independent of child support for different reasons other than what you have described. it is wonderful that you recognize that what is important are your children. however, his responsibility is not only to support them physicially and emotionally but also to support them financially. you should not have to bare this burden yourself.
i agree with victor, the money is for the children. in some instances the money is very important. the children deserve the same privledges and life style that they would have had if you were not a separated family.
it is very admireable that you do not want to persue child support.
is there a particular reason why he is not helping you financially? | |
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| Child Support - not paid or expected
Posted: 5/2/2006 6:31:22 AM | | I agree it is up to you to decide but it is in the kids best interest that he pay some (what he can afford) to pay to help give them what they need. I have 2 teenage boys and I know they are expensive (food alone costs a fortune!) HOWEVER, having said that my ex lives 3 miles up the road and in the nearly 4 years we've been divorced he has kept the boys overnight once each on separate nights (they are too much trouble together) yeah right. I ask him often if he would like to see them - take them to do something - even to his house to watch a rented movie (even offered to rent one and send the pizza), he has no interest. He is however anal about his credit and pays his child support exactly on time. Would I give up child support were he to become a DAD - in a new york minute, boys need their dad, however he sees paying his child support as doing his part and it's not even close. So go with what works for you and what is best for your kids and NO ONE else can tell you what that is. | |
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| Child Support - not paid or expected
Posted: 5/2/2006 6:45:57 AM | | It's funny how society at large looks at this. I am a single dad with sole custody of my son, but I have not, nor will I probably ever, seen a cent in child support. When there's a breakdown in the relationship between mom and dad, the kids usually stay with mom and the dad is expected to pay child support. I'm all for that. I think it's a responsability anhd a priveledge to look out for our kids in any way we can. But if dad gets the custody, there seems to be fewer women willing or able to pay this support. I'm not b*tching or anything, just stating something I've noticed and looking to see what anyone else thinks on the subject... | |
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| Child Support - not paid or expected
Posted: 5/2/2006 10:40:44 AM | If the father is very involved he should help out some, if he also buys and pays for extra curricular activities and takes them regularly then a huge monthly payment would be unnecessary, because he's already forking out half of everything daycare, new bike, etc...
I feel bad for the fathers out there that have no custody never see there kids was barely with the woman who got knocked up and have to painfully suffer huge amounts of custody every month that's just wrong, and most cases the woman has moved on and has a gawd dam other man in her life... :very mad: | |
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| Child Support - not paid or expected
Posted: 5/3/2006 12:32:50 AM | | my ex doesnt pay support for our child and i dont mind. i make enough to support him and i so i dont worry about it. if he wants to pay for something great if not im not worried about it. i have also been on the other end too though. i pay for my other child that is with her father but i dont mind its my responsibilty. so i find its up to the parents who make the decision on what to do. all that matters is the child is happy. | |
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| Child Support - not paid or expected
Posted: 5/3/2006 2:34:25 AM | | I am currently going through the divorce, my lawyer advised me it is law that he pay me support. It's been five years since our split and we have shared custody. Do I think it's right he has to pay me anything, NOT AT ALL! Do I have a choice? NOT AT ALL!! Because he makes so much more then I do the judicial system will force him to pay me something. It's a tough place to be in b/c we always got along fairly well until this. Now no communication and the games are starting. The name calling to the kids behind my back..etc. I asked if I could decline the support and because he makes more then I they will refuse my decline. I could have gone for back pay for the last five years as well as spousal support, but b/c I agreed to the support to be effective the month he filed for the divorce I didn't have to agree to the back support or spousal. The worse part about it now, is things are so bitter between us. I HATE IT!!!! Its hurting the kids. They are looking out for the best interest of the children, but when the adults(or one of them for sure) can't be mature about it then are the kids feelings being put in the best interest? He should be happy that I'm not going for the back pay. I even said I would put whatever he has to give in the kids bank accounts for their education....but I'm still the b*tch so go figure. | |
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| Child Support - not paid or expected
Posted: 5/3/2006 4:01:25 AM | | I agree with davie...if he loves them so much then he would want to see them well cared for financial wise.Like davie said if he loved them so much then he shouldnt mind to pay.Sure alot of dads are gonna be greats dads but see how fast they change once child support is asked for.He got it easy he can be in their lifes when he wants & play daddy but why wouldnt he want to offer it?Even if you don't ask for it shouldnt he at least offer to give you something? | |
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| Child Support - not paid or expected
Posted: 5/3/2006 4:07:49 AM | | Thats what my point is.They are great dads but once that big Child Support word comes up they change totally.Like you said lulu anymore the state will go after it & leaves you with no control over what happens.He shouldnt be name calling behind them kids back just because of child support.I think any parent that the kids are not living with should pay even if they are asked to or not.Because the custodial parent has alot to deal with finacial wise.You have to support the children & they can really run into expenses ,school clothes,dr's,etc You have to pay to keep the roof over their head food in their mouth so I feel that the non custodial parent should at least offer to throw something in even if it not alot they should at least care enough bout the kids well being to want to do it.But goodluck lulu with it all. | |
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| Child Support - not paid or expected
Posted: 5/3/2006 12:13:09 PM | If you and your children have what you need and you and your ex are both comfortable with the arrangement... then I say "who cares what anyone else thinks?"
Stereotypes exist and people probably think he's not doing his fair share. If you and he both agree that he is... then thats awesome that you can both be mature adults and put your children first! BRAVO! | |
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| Child Support - not paid or expected
Posted: 5/3/2006 4:47:26 PM | | You didnt say in your post if their father buys things for them while hes involved with them. It is much more important for children to have a father than a check in the mail and hopefully though he is helping out with some things like clothes, food, etc. If you dont have a problem with not getting a check in the mail but your kids have a father then dont worry about what others think and you dont have to explain anything to anyone else. You and your ex made those kids so it should only be between you two at this point what happens about the support issue. If you do feel you need some support then talk to him about it first before you involve lawyers or judges and see what happens. I would trade my support checks in a minute if my youngest just had a father that wanted to spend time with her without abusing her in any way. | |
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| Child Support - not paid or expected
Posted: 5/3/2006 5:28:56 PM | Yeh I agree, child support does not have to be a monthly additional pay cheque at all. You say he is very much involved, so I take it he actively takes part in their lives which is great. You two can obviously see the benfits for you children with regard to acting in a civil manner towards each other. Control Card, no way. If buys, shoes, clothes, sports gear, toys etc this can be considered as child support here in Australia.
My own situation is a complete disaster, I am a single dad with 2 beautiful daughters, one lives here with me and the other with her mother, yip different mums. The one not living with me works and gets reasonable money, however she is scamming the welfare so she revieves a "poor card" which entitles her to cheap before school and after school care as she works full-time. I am at home and exsist on a Parentling Pension and believe it or not I indeed have to pay HER child support because of her insistance that she is a "working single mum" despite the fact both her and her fella both earn good dollars. One the other hand my eldest whom lives with me, her mother currently has a debt ($3100.00+) because she refuses to pay a penny as its her belief I am on the "single mums pension". And here I was thinkin its suppose to be all about the kids... yeh we dont see eye to eye on anything at all.
So all in all, if you can continue the way you are and be happy with what each does and provides for you children, then good on the two of you. From the sound of it your children would not go without especially with both of you around. Well done. its like the old saying "if it aint broke, dont fix it." :) | |
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| Child Support - not paid or expected
Posted: 5/3/2006 5:35:39 PM | | I think that as long as someone is taking care of their children, and doing what they need to do for them (emotionally, developmentally, and financially) that there's no real need for child support as long as both parents are confident that this arrangement will continue and is working. :) | |
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| Child Support - not paid or expected
Posted: 5/3/2006 11:14:12 PM | See that is the problem, it wasn't broke and I wasn't trying to fix it but the justice system sticks their noses in and instead of keeping the peace and let bigones be bigones they need to rock the boat. I don't think I was clear on why this upsets me so much, we have shared custody which means we have equal time with the children...but basically what it boils down to is the fact that the justice system still is in the dark ages and feel that men make more money then women(and I suppose in some cases it's like that) but they are basing it as a whole. "It is their duty to pay child support." Direct quote from my lawyer.
I suppose if my ex didn't want to get remarried we would have never had open this can of worms, and just been seperated for the rest of the childrens days of under 18.
Maybe it's just a scam, they know there will be money paid to lawyers then court time, etc...maybe it's a ploy? | |
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| Child Support - not paid or expected
Posted: 5/4/2006 12:27:41 AM | I have sole custody and my ex pays $150 a month for the last 12 years towards his education fund as I don't need the money to raise him, but she never phones our son and she only sees him on his birthday and on christmas. Having said that ... I would "pay her" if she would make an effort to spent some time with our son and have somewhat of a relationship with him. Children suffer more than we think over being abandend by a parent.
To me ... you are very fortunate to have a caring father who is involved in his childrens live and no amount of money can replace that.
I am suer that he would pay for things that the children need without hesitation if you would ask him and maybe explain that you can't afford this at the time.
Good luck and I hope everything works out. | |
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| Child Support - not paid or expected
Posted: 5/5/2006 10:55:05 AM | ooohhlala....hey there no need to fret to much about this. i to am a single father whom has been raising a daughter now for the past 11 years, she is now 13. anyhow she dosnt see her mother that often though we live in the same town. i dont get and have never ask for child support. me and her had an understanding when we divorced. i knew she couldnt afford child support thats why i didnt ask. i know that some say im selfish for not getting the money to help. but i dont need it. money isnt going to make your child happy. only you and the father can do this. it dont matter that your no longer together. ive spoken to many women over the years allmost everyone of them have used the "child support system". either to the advantage of or cop out or a fall back crutch. ive heard many of them say "hahaha ive got him by the balls now and i get every last penny out of him im intitled too".....then i would say "whoa hit the brakes your not intitled to anything that money is for the child"....
basicly if the kids are happy and the father helps out if need be. then dont force cause your correct it will be hostile. some men are happy to pay and some just dont make enough to pay and then wonders how he will survive with handing that moneys away.
Seph | |
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| Child Support - not paid or expected
Posted: 5/12/2006 6:04:22 PM | | No one else has to like the arrangements that you and your ex have made. My ex and I have the same arrangements. We have no court arrangements and he pays no child support and i don't care what other people think, cause I couldn't find a better dad for my son. Yes people tend to look down on that, but oh well. I don't ask for child support but he pays for everything my son needs clothes, haircuts, shoes, etc. | |
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| Child Support - not paid or expected
Posted: 5/12/2006 7:35:02 PM | | It is unfortunate that the lack of contribution to supporting children is even a factor in so many single parents lives. I don't understand why a father/mother would not want to help financially, it should be an unspoken action/responsibility. I have 2 little girls that I am solely supporting, and to be honest it is very tough at times, I use to say I rather my girls just have a good relationship with their father but now it bothers me that I work my butt off to provide all the necessities in their lives while he gets to be the fun parent, having the time to do the fun things with our girls and having the money to do those things, it really bugs me now. There is an agreement for child support between my ex and I, however, he keeps quitting his jobs or hiding that he even has one. Paying for child care, sports and college/university funds is all coming out of my pay check. It should be up to both parents to want the best for their children for the future. That god that if that isn't the case there is at least one parent that really truly puts their children before themselves. I think you are amazing independent women, and I am sure a great mother. Great Job! By the way, I know what you mean about justifying yourself, I can't give you an answer for that but I feel the same way. My ex owes a lot of money in child support right now, not sure if he will ever pay but he doesn't control me or my finances. He does try to control other aspects of my life and our childrens life but if it comes to anything financially I tell him he does not have a say in that department. It may sound harsh but i try to give my girls what I can, I don't want them to be stereotyped by society because I am a single mom. | |
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| Child Support - not paid or expected
Posted: 5/12/2006 9:12:47 PM | | I think if you are both ok with the arrangement and the kids aren't going without anything, WHO CARES?? I have a 5 1/2 year old son and I have been his only provider since he was 2 weeks old. We have never seen a cent from his father (positive we never will) and my son wouldn't know his father if he were standing next to him. I say if he's a stand up father in every way other than financially, good for him. Your kids are lucky to have someone so involved with them. | |
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| Child Support - not paid or expected
Posted: 5/13/2006 6:49:43 AM | | To the OP. Kids are expensive so I am very suprised you don't get any support. He should be paying for costs and be a devoted Dad, that is what being a good parent is. However you have the choice to run your house as you see fit, but curious, why doesn't he ever pay support? | |
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| Child Support - not paid or expected
Posted: 5/13/2006 6:54:36 AM | | SweetnSassy, not all men run or change their tone when support is mentioned. When my son was about to be born and she was about to go on Mat. leave, I asked how much support did she want? She told me $400.00 per month and I paid. Then when my son was 14 months old he came to live with me full time and support is an ongoing battle for her to pay me. | |
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| Child Support - not paid or expected
Posted: 5/13/2006 8:54:51 AM | Lulu --- Just because the court says he has to pay support... doesn't mean that it has to happen... You can sign some contract whereby you release him from that obligation if you see fit to do so...
I have a friend who's husband got screwed over this way.. which is why I say sign a contract... His ex said as long as he paid to have their kids fly from out east to Ontario twice a year, she wouldn't make him pay support... WELL one day she got mad at him.. called the Family Responsiblity Office... and now $18,000 later, he's decided that a contract stating what they agreed upon 10 years ago might be the way to go! | |
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| Child Support - not paid or expected
Posted: 5/25/2006 1:22:15 PM | Good afternoon,
I was reading your ad. This is what I can share with you. I am a single mom and have been for the last 10 years, my daughter dad has never paid child support and has been ordered to by the courts. However he does not work a reg job, he works under the take so it is hard for them to collect. The courts can order child support and if he does not pay then the courts can put him in jail or take away his license. Now the part is this, its been 8 years for me since the court ordered him to pay me an amount each month. He has not paid and probly never will. he has been in and out of jail and still does not pay. So it shows you that the courts can really not control someone to pay.
I have full legal and sole custody, with no visitation. However it does not mean he doesnt have to pay support. he would have to give up all rights but still have to pay. | |
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