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 Little Lady 57
Joined: 3/4/2006
Msg: 1
Dating a paraplegicPage 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Two years ago I suffered a spinal cord injury. I was on several dating sites prior to this and do not want to sound too full of myself when I say I was "overwhelmed" with responses. I did meet and fall in love through this avenue. Ironically, I had a marriage proposal the night before I broke my back. So much for his being in love. Once I had licked my wounds and felt ready to try this again, I posted my profile. The popular gal is not so popular anymore. I am tiring of hearing how I really do not need to meet anyone who is so low in character, not worthy of,,,,,,,etc, etc. I am having a very hard time of going from one end of the desirable scale to the other virtually overnight. My ego is shot to bits as I am constantly passed over worse. Imagine having someone hounding you to get together but they have failed to read the profile. When they finally learn I am in a wheelchair they suddenly do a fast reverse as they run for the hills. The reality of the situation is I am still able to do most everything I did before. I downhill ski, I enjoy my water access only cottage, I drive my car, I work.......I still crave all the emotional and physical needs we all want. Why am I considered such a comprimise now? I am still the same person I was before.
 4thStreetKid
Joined: 2/24/2006
Msg: 2
Dating a paraplegic
Posted: 5/3/2006 1:28:20 AM
What are your capabilities in the sex department? As far as, what is your range of motion, level of active participation, ability to feel and have orgasms, etc?

I don't mean to be rude, but hey. That's sort of a main crux of the issue, I think.

What are the extents of your condition at this point? Is there paralysis? I admit to being completely ignorant as far as physical injuries and paraplegics, and such. So I'm sorry if I ask stupid questions. But if you're in a wheelchair, I'm presuming that there is some level of paralysis, from the waist down or whatnot. So how can you drive, or ski?

You mentioned that you drive your car, and ski. And that's fantastic. It truly is. My hat is off to you, with all respect. You should seriously be proud of yourself, for your strength and your bravery. To overcome an injury like that is a wonderful thing. And very inspirational.

But as far as dating, one reason guys might tend to get freaked out, and "run for the hills", could be because they have cncerns that they are about to get involved in a no-sex-possible relationship. Or at best, sex with someone who can't move at all, and can't feel anything. Is that f*cked up? And shallow? Perhaps. But a healthy sex life is an important part of a relationship, and for some people more than others, it can be even more important to them.

Another possibility that just came to me... perhaps it scares guys away for the same reason that women with kids have a hard time attracting men and getting dates. The guys just want a 50/50 even relationship. But when they see that you are in a wheelchair, they think it means they are signing up as a nursemaid, and a chairpusher, and a caretaker/babysitter type of thing. Visions of wheeling you everywhere, helping you up and down, and into vehicles, tending to your needs, etc. Now hey, I KNOW that you are a strong and independent woman. That is very clear by your profile. But maybe some of these guys don't. And I don't mean to sound harsh, either. I'm just a very honest person, who doesn't BS people or sugarcoat stuff. I'm just speculating, and I hope you know that I know better. Just saying that maybe some guys don't. Hell, if I were faced with a similar situation, I might think things like that myself, not knowing anything about the woman. It's like the guy who finds out that "She's got a kid!" (Oh no!) and thinks, "Hell, I'm looking to become a boyfriend. Not become a father overnight". Having the responsibility for someone else's life, (someone you didn't even know yesterday), dropped into your lap overnight... scary.

Anyway, like I said, I am just tossing out ideas here, as they pop into my head. Take 'em for what they're worth (if anything) and please don't be offended. Like I said, I read your profile and looked at your pictures, and wow... you are a VERY beautiful and sexy woman, and you're clearly intelligent and well spoken. The ONLY reason that I wouldn't want to date you is because you live all the way in Canada. Slight age difference too, but hell... you look 15 years younger than your profile says you are, so not even that. If you lived in NYC, I'd be buying you drinks.

Anyway, just some thoughts and speculations.

-- Will
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 3
view profile
History
Dating a paraplegic
Posted: 5/3/2006 1:31:23 AM
Hi Little Lady 57. I read your profile and the part that jumped out was,
Great relationships happen, they are not work.


I couldn't agree more. If I was dating I'd be sending you an email!

Many people do not understand disability. All you can do is stress what you are able to do and hope you will cross paths with an intelligent individual.

I understand when you write,
I am having a very hard time of going from one end of the desirable scale to the other virtually overnight.
By looking at your pictures I'm sure you never had a problem attracting members of the opposite sex.

No doubt you've spoken with psychologists/therapists. It never hurts to schedule an occasional visit. Maintaining a good attitude, which it appears you have, is half the battle.

Best wishes
 PamelaRae
Joined: 8/14/2005
Msg: 4
Dating a paraplegic
Posted: 5/3/2006 1:42:41 AM
Many people will still find you attractive. Many people are looking for someone in your situation.
The problem is, that you have not yet adapted to it. That is your goal, imo. To adapt to the new person in the new circumstances that you are in.

When you are successful at adapting yourself and accepting yourself; then, you will be able to find someone.


Problem is, will you find that someone acceptable to you???

Love stinks!
 eira30
Joined: 1/19/2004
Msg: 5
Dating a paraplegic
Posted: 5/3/2006 2:29:40 AM
The one who will love you will not see you in a chair. The one who will love you will only see the beauty within you.

My brother is in a wheelchair after a motorcycle accident, and people treat him differently then before. But, it is because they are only looking with their eyes.

An enlightened soul looks at people with their heart, their soul, and their eyes. We see so much more when we open ourselves up to it. And most never will, but, I am sure you will meet that one person that sees into you. Peace and love be with you.

Take care,
Eira30
 PamelaRae
Joined: 8/14/2005
Msg: 6
Dating a paraplegic
Posted: 5/3/2006 2:31:54 AM
Bah; no!! They have to accept you in your chair. They have to like that about you. C'mon. They have to live with you. Let's be real.
 CrAzY.LoCa
Joined: 4/13/2006
Msg: 7
Dating a paraplegic
Posted: 5/3/2006 3:00:26 AM
I would have no problem dating someone in a wheelchair, But to be honest I have no clue what your going threw..But I can tell it must be very hard..I can add this, there is a nice man iv talked with the other day in my area who' looking for friends (i think?) and is in a wheelchair..Maybe he would be up to talking to you and give you some ideas how he got/getting threw what you are? I could send him a link to this thread and see what happens..Friends are always nice, even more if they understand what your going threw...Im sorry if I didnt help much.. Just let me know if you would like me to send him a link..I dont know if he will pop up in here, but it couldnt hurt?
 Gallivanting1
Joined: 1/28/2005
Msg: 8
Dating a paraplegic
Posted: 5/3/2006 7:00:32 AM
I understand the lack of response but come on, this is a dating site. All it is meant to do is to give you greater exposure to people you may not have met otherwise. Who cares if they find you "popular". That's like saying that the people with lots of "Favorites" are better than the rest of us. Give me a break. Be strong in knowing who you are and what you have to offer in a relationship.

You are in a position of being able to see people for what they truly are. If they find your wheelchair an obstacle to a relationship then you are better off without them. No one said you would find your one in a million in a month. Give it some time. Eventually you will find a guy who accepts you for who you are. Just remember, you may not find him here.
 wolfskshuntress
Joined: 1/3/2006
Msg: 9
Dating a paraplegic
Posted: 5/3/2006 7:17:00 AM
Msg 1, is a woman defined by her wheelchair? .. is a woman defined by her good looks? .. perhaps your main picture is not doing a good job in screening those with whom you wish to speak? ..
 Al_Bear
Joined: 2/12/2006
Msg: 10
Dating a paraplegic
Posted: 5/3/2006 7:19:41 AM
Msg4,

What a bunch of crap. What a narrow minded person.

It appears to me that OP has accepted herself and has adjusted to the changes in her life. We all have to adjust and adapted as our lives change.

She is asking why is it so hard for people to except her as she is. My reponse to her is as follows:

OP some people are jerks and they don't realize that we all have handicaps in one form or another. Some of them are just more visible than others. I have looked at your pictures and read your profile. If I wasn't married I for one would ask you out on a first date. Maybe we could even go skiing or horseback riding. If nothing else we may end up as friends.

I would e-mail you but I don't fit you requirements.
 Bandito
Joined: 11/9/2005
Msg: 11
Dating a paraplegic
Posted: 5/3/2006 7:25:03 AM
I am so sorry and touched by your post and threads about dating disabled people in general. I think it takes a lot of courage to put yourself out here as well as taolk about your feelings and difficulties in finding someone suitably accepting of your handicap.

You are totally right, you are the same beautiful person you were before your tragic accident. It is societies intolerance of the imperfect that is wrong. You can't blame everything on society, we are genetically programmed to seek out the strongest, the fitest for procreation.

I am not here though to make excuses. I am here to try and keep your hopes up, to
tell you not to sacrifice or settle down on your expectations, that there are accepting
people out there that would desperately choose love over some lessor issues with mobility. I can honestly say I wouldn't run away...there would have to be a lot for me to learn and consider...but I wouldn't run.

I think on-line dating is a bad place for the short-of-perfect people to find love, romance and acceptance. This is a catalog date shopping service as you know and asre experienced with. People shop for top end, picture perfect, total deal packages. Honestly, I think you would do better in a activity based group of mixed singles. There are such groups around for people that enjoy the sports and activities that you do. Try mixing things up...put yourself out there where real people exist, just not arm chair date shoppers.

I sincerely wish you the best

Bandito
 kmhstx
Joined: 8/23/2005
Msg: 12
Dating a paraplegic
Posted: 5/3/2006 7:44:48 AM
Little lady.....I am going to say something that may sound funny, but be thankful that they run.
Obviously they aren't good enough for you. If they are too ignorant, and small minded not to want to get to know you just because you are in a wheelchair...then do you want to be with that person anyway?
YOu sound full of life, and are obviously beautiful and intelligent, you deserve better. Its hard I can only imagine. I myself have never been a highly desired woman...but I only want one man to think I am amazing and the perfect one for him..so I don't mind that hundreds aren't banging on my door lol or emailing me in this case. So keep up the hope, keep being honest, and you know what I bet that someone who is amazing will one day say, so what I still want to know about you when you tell him about your accident. Good luck! Happy Fishing!
 outdoorsman55
Joined: 1/18/2005
Msg: 13
Dating a paraplegic
Posted: 5/3/2006 11:59:51 AM
Well just let me start by saying if you aren't in a wheelchair you could never understand what the OP is going thru. Its sometimes very tough to get people to see past the wheelchair but the ones that do are worth spending sometime to get to know but then there are the normal things we have to deal with that anyone one of us would have to go thru to get to know someone. So saying that we have to remain patient and sort thru the good and bad in people trying to find out which ones are truly interested or just feel sorry for people with limitations like us. I have met some great people on here some that have took the time to get to know me beyond the chair but there are those who do not and will not take the time to learn who I am, all they see is the chair. But those that are ignorant or unwilling to learn about my limitations are adults and can do as they please and are better off without me and me without them. ANyway I wish you good luck and hope you can find that one special guy that deserves the great gal you are.

Little lady if you would like to talk or would ever need someone to listen feel free to email anytime. I can not email you because the limitations you put on your profile. But maybe we could give each other ideas or advice on how to deal with our situations better.
 SuiteMadameBlue
Joined: 3/10/2006
Msg: 14
Dating a paraplegic
Posted: 5/3/2006 12:27:53 PM
Just a ray of hope for you:

I have a very dear friend named Amy. Years ago she suffered a spinal cord injury while giving birth to her daughter Alexa...Did this slow her down? NO WAY! This girl has more men in love with her and willing to die for her than any other person I know! She is now married and has a 2nd daughter (and is still in her wheelchair). IT DOES HAPPEN! IT WILL HAPPEN FOR YOU!
 2_steps_sideways
Joined: 11/26/2005
Msg: 15
Dating a paraplegic
Posted: 5/3/2006 12:32:00 PM
LittleLady...

I was going to post directly to your inbox but was unable to due to restrictions. Oh well. I'll just write here...


I would like to tell you how much it SUCKS that people are so stupid and close minded. I have worked with people in wheelchairs for years. The only difference between those in chairs and those not is the matter of 4 wheels. However, so many people fail to see this.

I have been conversing with this amazing guy who's in a wheelchair. Sadly, he lives in Australia and I live in Canada, which makes meeting difficult to say the least. We've discussed his injury (he's paralyzed from T6 down) and he has pretty much said the same thing that you have. Girls will chat with him and such but when they found out that he's in a chair they take off running. I really don't get it. He has such a GREAT personality and he's HOT as well. Yeah, yeah..he can't run but this guy drives a car (like you), flies planes, jetskis, rides a dirt bike etc etc. (He's waaaaay more active and daring then I am!) I've seen his pictures and he's extremely cute (like I've said) and has a great upper body!

I've read your profile and seen your pictures. You are extremely pretty (and I bet your upper bod is kickin' as well.)

I can't give you any advice regarding this situation. I can't even really, truly relate, since I've never been in a chair. However, I can empathize.

I think that most people are concerned with how active a person can be in a chair and of course, SEX. (aren't we all?) I think that MANY people forget that the BRAIN is the biggest sex organ and so of course, paraplegics crave sex. (and many of them have fully functioning lower anatomy!!) Our society can be so stupid sometimes... I'll admit that my first thoughts when I started conversing with this guy were about sex. But, he's been very open with me and I fully understand his situation. When you chat with a man are you open and honest about your situation? Do the men understand that you CAN participate in sex? That you think about it, desire it, want it?


I guess I just want to tell you that there are many able bodied folks out there that would date someone in a wheel chair. It's just a matter of finding someone who is OPEN MINDED enough to contemplate the possibility.

I wish you nothing but the best of luck. You're a beautiful woman. I believe that you will meet someone who will see you for all you are and not just the fact that you've got four wheels!

Good luck.
2-steps
 jumper3000
Joined: 10/20/2005
Msg: 16
Dating a paraplegic
Posted: 5/3/2006 12:57:18 PM
You are widowed and a paraplegic?
 Summer Teeth
Joined: 3/9/2006
Msg: 17
Dating a paraplegic
Posted: 5/3/2006 1:10:09 PM
Someone will eventually fall for your personality and not care a bit about you being in a wheelchair. He'll probably have a sense of humor about it--maybe even decorate your wheelchair or place a poker card in the spokes just to make you laugh.

Have faith and be patient. There's really not much else you can do, but what you are doing--which is living your life and accepting your situation with grace.

Good luck!
 Despistada
Joined: 3/8/2006
Msg: 18
Dating a paraplegic
Posted: 5/3/2006 1:47:19 PM
I've dated someone in a wheelchair before. His SCI was actually more severe than yours. But all the things that go along with paralysis can be daunting. The fact that you can do lots of things is a plus, and of course being pretty doesn't hurt either :D

I have to echo everyone else and say be patient...the right person will accept and love you as you are.
 Fry Lock
Joined: 10/4/2005
Msg: 19
view profile
History
Dating a paraplegic
Posted: 5/3/2006 1:52:26 PM
I got dumped one time by a guy in a chair; he pulled more chicks than some of the hot walkin guys I know; it was his attitude, I think..I'd go out wiht him again, he was such a nice guy...
 nicenfriendly
Joined: 1/5/2006
Msg: 20
Dating a paraplegic
Posted: 5/3/2006 1:54:24 PM
its the feelings of the heart that matter not of the legs
 Digitalnights
Joined: 4/4/2006
Msg: 21
Dating a paraplegic
Posted: 5/3/2006 1:54:29 PM
Ok Personally, if people are passing you over, they aren't worth your time. In all honesty, it's not a "compromise" that you're disabled like you are, and I personally don't see it as a problem. It's something to get used to for sure, but at the same time too if guys haveto be that stupid and shallow to be like that.... Screw em. You gotta have patience hun. Other than that I am not going to say anything more about what you need or want. It's not your fault that these guys can't see past their**** and see who you really are. :)


You're not any less of a person than I am, just because I am able to walk.... In all honesty, I think that you have way more opportunities to experience things the way you are than I will ever. You can take the time out now to see things I can only dream of. I admore you and am proud of you.
 Athletic_funny1
Joined: 4/7/2006
Msg: 22
Dating a paraplegic
Posted: 5/3/2006 2:25:21 PM
Is it possible that you are blaming lack of interest by certain people on the fact that you are a paraplegic because you are sensitive about being rejected for that reason. Much in the same way that minorities cry racism the moment they do not get their way. Just a thought.

I think it's easy to dissmiss someone over the internet for shallow reasons. If the same people met you in person and sampled your personality they would likely be more interested. I know if I had a meeting of the mind with someone I found attractive I wouldn't be discouraged by the paralisis.

Some neanderthal mentioned something about your sexual ability. Not to worry. You said are able to participate and that is all that is necessary. The weaker the mind (and I do mean stupid here) the more important basic needs are.

Don't get down on yourself if you are rejected by someone. I'm sure everyone on here is getting their share of rejection. Your rejection is likely for the same reasons we are getting rejected and not the wheel chair.

Stay healthy and attractive and you will find a mate.

Cheers baby.
 jim9660
Joined: 10/21/2005
Msg: 23
Dating a paraplegic
Posted: 5/3/2006 7:41:54 PM
For one thing, you have too many restrictions. Not the physical ones, but on your profile.
 knight rider
Joined: 4/16/2006
Msg: 24
Dating a paraplegic
Posted: 5/3/2006 7:52:44 PM
I'm not in no wheel chair, but I sure do know how it feels to be a minority when
it comes to relationships.I get judged by my looks and this makes me sick.


I look for the heart and soul of a woman, if she's in a wheel chair, it is no big deal
to me.If I would have been in love with someone, then one day an accident happened,
I would not leave her.

If I were e-mailing to a woman every day, and she finally had the nerve to tell me she's
in a wheel chair for life, I would keep on writting to her and showing her the same interest
I had in her before she told me.

I once wrote to a woman for 3 months, when we finally exchanged pictures, I never heard from her again!!!!!

That pissed me off so much, after her saying she didn't judge and crap like that. I was major hurt,so now I don't bother anymore,what's the point.

I may not know how it feels to be in a wheel chair, but I sure do know how it feels to be
rejected...

Knight Rider!
 Little Lady 57
Joined: 3/4/2006
Msg: 25
Dating a paraplegic
Posted: 5/4/2006 10:35:42 AM
Too many restrictions? It might initially appear that way but what I am looking for is a man who is somewhat local, somewhat within my age group and looking for a relationship as am I. I don't want a "young pup" , a clandestine relationship or a new "buddy". I don't want a "cyber boyfriend" who merely wants to exchange photos and have an online relationship. I don't think my restrictions are out of line. Perhaps I should remove some of them as I certainly am willing to chat and exchange photos etc but not if that is all that person is interested in doing. Do you see where I am going here?
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