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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/4/2006 5:07:28 AM | This one i heard this mornig from a fellow worker.
Two sperms are swimming. One looks over at the other and says, "I'm exhausted! Are we almost there?" The other sperm looks back at him and says, "Are you kidding? We just passed the esophagus!"
Any good one's you have heard lately.  | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/4/2006 5:47:26 AM | | LMAO now that is fuuny, and here i was told when i was a teenager that I couldnt get pregnant if i did things "That Way"??? hmmmmm Guess the guy who told me was wrong (lol) | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/4/2006 5:53:44 AM | I got one - a friend of mine actually thought I was sending something real. Guess that goes to show what kind of government we have...
New Study
A local scientist, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with very low intelligence read their emails with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now. It's too late.  | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/4/2006 5:57:41 AM | A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.
Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!" The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says...................
"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk!" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/4/2006 1:43:26 PM | Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom! I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences." | |
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Hezron
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Joined: 12/15/2005
Msg: 7 | |
| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/4/2006 2:01:52 PM | There is a flood in the Southern United States. The water is rising and rising and people are evacuating. At the Church, the local man of god refuses to leave. As the water rises to the steps some townsfolk paddle up in a boat
Father...Father...Please get in the boat the water is rising"
"Ye of little faith...I have father in our lord and savior jesus Christ and he shall deliver me...AMEN!!!!!!!! Seeing he is not goingto budge they leave.
Soon the water rises and he is forced to take refuge on the roof. The water os so high now a navy coast guard cutter comes to pick him in
"Father...get in the boat...the water is still rising...if you do not come with us you are going to drown"
"Ye of little faith...I have father in our lord and savior jesus Christ and he shall deliver me...AMEN!!!!!!!! Seeing he is not going to budge they leave
The water rises and rises and soon he is at the very top of the steeple...the water lapping at his feet. In a final effort a helicopter comes and lowers a ladder
"Father...this is your last chance...take the rope...you are going to drown"
"Ye of little faith...I have father in our lord and savior jesus Christ and he shall deliver me...AMEN!!!!!!!! He is steadfast in his faith and the helicopter is forced to leave. The water rises and rises and he dies. He awakes on the other side quite angry and marches up to St. Peter filled with fire and brimstone. St. Peter looks up from his book and seems surprised to see him
"What in the lords name is going on. I put my faith in the lord...i put my life on the line forthe lord...and this is what I get. This is my thnaks...the reward for my faith...
St. Peter checks his book confused and after a moment looks back at him and says
""We sent two boats and a helicopter" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/4/2006 2:12:08 PM | | A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the ladies' bowling league, honey," he says. "We share lanes with them." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says, "Hi, Davey! Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book. The cabbie turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real b**ch tonight, Dave." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/4/2006 2:58:56 PM | A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."
The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband is obviously very depressed.
"You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.
"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.
The pastor asked him what happened.
"Well, the first week was difficult. However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible... anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.
"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"We know." said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome at Home Depot, either." | |
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Kiaa
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Joined: 4/2/2006
Msg: 10 | |
| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/4/2006 5:39:27 PM | a ham sandwich walks in to a bar and says to the abr tender "give me a beer"
the bar tender says to the ham sandwich "i'm sorry we dont serve food here" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/5/2006 5:18:31 AM | | ok here it goes, a blonde, brunette and a red head are in an elevator. well like most people they are just staring at the walls keeping quiet, when they notice some white stuff on the wall. they all look at each other and say no!! cant be. they get a little closer and then the brunette touches it and and says it feels like it. then the red head touches it kind of smells like it 2. up steps the blonde takes it and tastes it, she says no one in this building. | |
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Jag64
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Joined: 2/2/2005
Msg: 12 | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/5/2006 9:44:43 AM | Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/5/2006 4:56:19 PM | Sorry for the long post...I thought these jokes were HILARIOUS had to share!!
::3 WISHES::
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island.
One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.
The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."
The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home."
POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.
Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too."
POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.
The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.
The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?"
The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."
::Adam 'n' Eve::
Q: Who made the first soft drink?
A: Adam -- he made Eve's cherry pop
::Beer Consumption::
The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an ***hole.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Thor.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an disruption in the space-time continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to "disappear."
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
::Blonde Mating Call::
Q: What is the mating call of a blonde?
A: "I'm soooo drunk."
::Elmo's Redesign::
A blonde is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45AM, there’s a knock at the personnel manager’s door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she’s incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo’s legs. The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, “I’m sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.”
::Energizer Bunny::
What happens when you put the Energizer Bunny batteries in backward?
He keeps coming and coming and coming... | |
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Ryan20
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Joined: 10/24/2005
Msg: 15 | |
| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/5/2006 5:18:39 PM | this ones gonna disgust alot of ladies but I gotta say it,
...a vampire walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender and asks for a shot of blood, so the bartender gives it to him, he takes the shot and then leaves, the next night the vampire comes back and again he orders a shot of blood he takes it and takes it and leaves, then the third night he comes in and asks for a some water, this being out of the ordinary he asked the vampire why the change, the vampire then pulls out a tampon and says its tea time | |
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Joy.
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Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 16 | |
| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/5/2006 11:32:29 PM | An oldie but still funny, I think....
What do you get when you cross a penis with a potato?
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A d.icktater!
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/5/2006 11:47:55 PM | | This guy goes into a sandwich bar and they have a sign on the window that reads "IF YOU CAN ORDER ANY SANDWICH FILLING WE HAVEN'T GOT WE'LL GIVE YOU $50" So he goes up to the guy behind the counter and says "That's interesting, has anybody won the $50 yet?" The guy behind the counter says "Yeah somebody came in here the other day wanting elephant's balls on toast but we ran out of bread | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/6/2006 10:10:48 AM | here is my favorite for the girls...somehow guys dont find the humor in it lol
why do guys like thier penis tattooed
they are forever trying to put words in a woman's mouth | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/6/2006 10:16:16 AM | ^^^ sounds perfectly funny to me! although it's much easier to simply unroll a condom
with writing on it -- such as the new Viagra Blue Condom, which has printed on it...
"This is medicated to the one I love" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/6/2006 3:46:58 PM | A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: "Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning,
sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, Set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, Drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners And stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, Then drove home to put away the groceries, Paid the bills and balanced the checkbook.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, Then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/7/2006 4:59:51 PM | Prison joke
I have already sent this one out to several here on this 'fish pond' and had favorable responses. To everyone else now, I hope you enjoy.......
THE ESCAPEE
A man escapes from a prison where he has been kept for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction, now matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you". To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. I told him where to find it. Be strong, honey. I love you too". | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/7/2006 9:49:27 PM | Should children witness child birth?
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The
house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a
3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he
helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was
asked.
Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The
paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.
Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help
and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just
witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in
there
in the first place......... smack his ass again!"
If you didn't laugh at this one, there's no hope for you... | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/7/2006 9:51:48 PM | Well it happened this way.
One day I was riding a horse and the buckle on the
saddle loosened on me. As I was riding the saddle
started to slip. The saddle was eventually on the
horses side.
I hung on for dear life.
Before I knew it I was upside down.
I could not get the horse to stop. I was now under the
horse hanging on for dear life. As the horse galloped
on, I almost got one of the hooves in the head.
Their was only one thing that saved my life that day.
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Guess what it was.
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The guy from Wallmart unplugged the machine. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/7/2006 9:56:37 PM | A father and his three beautiful, blonde, daughters
went into a hotel to stay for the night.
When the daughters went to check in, they saw a
really good-looking bellboy. The father caught the
three girls looking at him and he threatened to kill
the bellboy if he did anything at all with them.
So the bellboy minded his own business and
ignored the girls.
While he was working ever so diligently, the eldest
daughter goes up to
him and says "If you don't do it with me in bed, I
will pour red juice
on the sheets of my bed and tell my father that you
popped my cherry."
Fearing for his life, he did it with her. Then he saw
the beautiful
middle daughter in the hallway and she too walked over
to him and said
"If you don't do it with me, I'll pour red juice on my
bed and tell my
father that you popped my cherry."
Again fearing for his life, he agreed. Later that
evening the youngest
blonde daughter saw him. She walked up to him and
said "If you don't
have sex with me, I'll pour green juice all over the
bed and tell my
father that you popped my cherry."
"Green juice?" He asked. "Why Green?"
She replied, "Because my cherry is not ripe yet, duh." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/8/2006 12:00:39 PM | | i just have to tell you guys and gals that every time im feeling low, i read these tings and it brightens my day. thanks for the laughs! | |
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Sorry I am cheesy like that!)
