| Adult children. Are parents allowing their kids to be "young".
Posted: 5/5/2006 10:14:24 AM | | too long? I was chatting with my best friend the other day (a woman) and she was saying her son had found a good job and she was so proud of him as he was settling down ... she thinks. I have no children so I tend to shy away from saying anything about them. But this blew me away. She has been helping him out of scrapes\trouble for years and she doesn't see anything wrong in her helping\paying the way for a 26 year old! WTF!!! I pointed out that I thought most people would have "grown up" long before now. She said that in speaking to her coworkers that 26-28 is when most of their kids have finally grown up. Is that normal these days?!? Hell, I got married at 26 and people thought I was weird for waiting so long. Sign of the times? | |
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yna6
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Joined: 5/2/2004
Msg: 3 | |
| Adult children. Are parents allowing their kids to be young.
Posted: 5/5/2006 12:51:16 PM | Too many "baby-boomers" are becoming "fully mature adults" now, and see youth as making all kinds of mistakes, etc, just as they did, and want to have an excuse for the young. They use age as this excuse. The idea of having "ideals" is becoming weakened as a majority of people finally get them knocked out of their heads, and concentrate on the real problems in life, such as simple survival in a modern society. (I do not say there is not room for ideals, but I do say that they are taking a back-seat to actually living...which is where they should be.)
We do not think as earlier generations did. People were responsible for themselves at an early age. The family was always there to help them through their troubles. Now, with the destruction of the nuclear family, we depend on society and laws to protect the young from their follies and punish those who would lead them astray, rather than allow society to straighten them out with the usual ostracism and disapproval of actions deemed unworthy.
Kids are allowed to get away with murder today (literally!) without getting the punishment we would have given them in earlier times. Criminals were held up as examples as to what would happen if kids got themselves into trouble. Today, we don't have that warning for us. We have prisons where 3 meals a day, plus snacks, plus cable TV with pay channels, and pool tables, library, etc is the norm. Many poor folks can't afford all that, and more, yet the criminal who has been caught is being given these things, as an example of how he could live outside, if he worked for it. Easier to commit some crime and get all that than wind up in some of the homes that are currently established.
The average kid knows an education is the key, but wants to experience life instead. Maybe education should not even be offered until they can appreciate the importance of it. Currently, school is just day-care for working parents. Perhaps it should be an actual place of learning, rather than that.
there is no place we can go to raise our kids in an environment we want, unless we move far out there from most civilization,. and most of us cannot afford that. No place to just go, and claim some land and work it for yourself and your family. We all are forced into "city living", and it is considered uncivilized to live otherwise, if not outright against the laws. | |
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| Adult children. Are parents allowing their kids to be young.
Posted: 6/11/2008 5:55:44 PM | such as simple survival in a modern society.
I know this is an antique thread, but I am feeling low because my now ex-bf decided he needs to spend more time with his kids etc. , daughter 23 and son 21! He has been paying their cell phone bills and when he got upset about all the minutes being gone he cut the cell phones. A couple days later he found out the son went to rehab! The son couldn't get in touch with dealers etc. so he had to do something. Yeah, lay the guilt trip on the dad...
Took a trip to Gettysburg on a date and the next week the ex bf had to take his daughter! She seemed to need a run down on everything we did and if she hadn't done it with him, she had to do it too.
The daughter has taken the wife roll and I am sure felt pushed away by my filling those shoes and the son getting out rehab all just broke the camel's (father's) back. Kids come first, but shouldn't adult children be taught that their parents need lives and happiness too? Yes, he is a good dad, but obviously parents need to draw a line and make their kids grow up.
I know it was his decision and yeah, could be just a good excuse that he just isn't that into me too, but really still think that parents need to take a look at their lives and see if they really are making sure their kids know to stand on their own two feet and not to always use mom and dad for their everything. | |
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| Adult children. Are parents allowing their kids to be young.
Posted: 6/11/2008 6:55:10 PM | | After my parents got divorced, which was in their mid 20s, they still weren't grown up. I got to suffer as a child who was brought up by adults that deluded themselves into thinking they were actually adult enough to have children. | |
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| Adult children. Are parents allowing their kids to be young.
Posted: 6/12/2008 8:15:36 AM | | Twas listening to a talk show one day on the radio. A woman called in to talk about how when her 15 year old son brings candy or etc home from school to sell for band or sports or whatever, that she, mom, takes them to work to sell because she won't allow her son to do it himself. Says at 15 he doesn't need that responsibility. Called on the opinion by the host she got extremely aggitated, told the host that to ask a teenager to, the example was if the teens wanted to say sell their wares by the doors at WalMart as commonly happens, that it should be considered child abuse to let them do it. The host ended up hanging up on her, and I'm sitting here thinking WTF, how is a teen going to learn some responsibility to cope with the real world if the parents constantly do every, EVERYthing for them. Yes a child should hold onto that. Have fun, enjoy your childhood. But by the time they reach the teen years there has to be some balance, some learning how to be a responsible adult. It's no wonder we have such a society today. | |
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| Adult children. Are parents allowing their kids to be young.
Posted: 6/12/2008 8:55:04 AM | >>>After my parents got divorced, which was in their mid 20s, they still weren't grown up. I got to suffer as a child who was brought up by adults that deluded themselves into thinking they were actually adult enough to have children.
Ditto, minus the resentment.
I don't hate my parents for getting married or having kids- they stumbled along the way, but they turned out fine. | |
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| Adult children. Are parents allowing their kids to be young.
Posted: 6/12/2008 10:49:06 AM | | Thank you for saying what you did Vancer, if more people would admit that they came from bad situations, instead of making excuses, the situations wouldn't repeat so often. It is a scientific fact that you are still an adolecent(sp?) until the age of 25 when your brain becomes fully matured and is done growing. The last part of the brain to mature is the frontal lobe which ironically is the most important part, as it controls reason & good decision making skills, one reason why teens & young 20's seem to just be "not thinking" it is in fact due to lack of brain ability. Tell your kids they can't do anything "adult" (sex,drinking, marriage,kids,etc.) til they are 25, instead of do whatever you want at 18 & there will be alot less problems for them in life. | |
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| Adult children. Are parents allowing their kids to be young.
Posted: 6/12/2008 12:14:33 PM | This is a strange time........I have been working since the age of 12...my daughter worked 2 jobs when she was still in HS now she works 3....1 full time 2 part time.... her husband 1. Different parenting...different values.I cant say much but she has a very debiltating disease with no cure so it really pi$$es me off. Both of their sons have jobs...17 and 19 one in HS one in college. Where do they learn values and work ethic if not in the home. My grandsons both know how to cook , clean, and do their own wash.............It isnt just about what you DONT let your kids do...its also about what you HAVE them do to contribute to the home,starting when they are little by making their bed, clearing the table, helping in the yard, etc etc etc..........
PEACE | |
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| Adult children. Are parents allowing their kids to be young.
Posted: 6/12/2008 3:25:59 PM | Tell your kids they can't do anything "adult" (sex,drinking, marriage,kids,etc.) til they are 25
My one-word response to this is: BULLSH*T!
I started working when I was 13. By the time I was 16 I was paying all my own expenses except rent and food. This includes the purchase, maintenance, and insurance on a car. I moved into my own apartment when I was 19, and to this day think I stuck around way too long at my parents' house. I could have and should have moved out the day I turned 18.
My brother entered what turned out to be a 23-year marriage when he was 19. By the time he was 21, he was the youngest art director in the country, and he owned his own company by the time he was 25.
It isnt just about what you DONT let your kids do...its also about what you HAVE them do to contribute to the home,starting when they are little by making their bed, clearing the table, helping in the yard, etc etc etc..........
^^^ She gets it.  | |
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| Adult children. Are parents allowing their kids to be young.
Posted: 6/12/2008 5:41:24 PM |
^^^ She gets it.
Seconded! 
Being part of a family means just that...being part of a family. I think all life skills begin in the home so I started mine really early. It was harder with my first and I caught on a lil late (single parent guilt!) but I quickly learned with the second to allow her to do things herself, vs. copping out and taking over just cause it'd make things easier on me. She always was a very "I can do it myself" type, and now she's stubbornly independent. It's a shame, tho, that she's so much like her Dad...stubbornly lazy when it comes to chores, but quite active and on the go otherwise. She just might be the one to break me, lol. But there's still hope for her cause she's only 11...right?!
I didn't let my son work through school because he had lots of extra stuff on him with honors courses and his music, plus he has health issues. I think as long as kids are in school, they have only one role and one focus...student, and they should invest everything they have in that.
But in order to make up for the experience he would've gained through working, I put him to work in lots of other ways. Cooking, cleaning, doing his own laundry, as well as daily and weekly chores, and anything else I need of him in addition to that, such as watering the plants, helping me with my stuff, making tea, etc. Shoot, we make 3 gallons every other day.  And if I ask him to do something, it's to happen right then. Lickity split....no questions. I do not dik around with explaining myself to kids.
And I have lots of rules, lol. The kids have specific times set aside for the computer and video games, (they have timers and are locked when outside those times) and only certain hours for TV, too...it's password protected. My number 1 rule is "work before play", and my number 2 rules is "if you don't tell me what you need and allow me the ability to provide it for you by telling me in a timely manner, you go without". It didn't take long. Number 3 rule..."if you can do the crime, you can do the time". Don't come crying to Mama.
Once he turned 15 or 16, I stopped giving him an allowance. These things were expected of him as a member of the family...we all have roles and responsibilities. I didn't take it away completely; if he needed pocket money, I provided the opportunity for him to earn it.
It's our job to prepare them in every way and we can. They won't catch a single break outside our doors; pansies won't survive it.
If either of my kids are still home with me past the ages o f 20-22, it best be because they're still in school, or they're very sick. Otherwise, shoo!
(Yes, I know I'm a hard one...but it's working so dang well!) | |
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| Adult children. Are parents allowing their kids to be young.
Posted: 6/13/2008 2:29:45 PM | Dang right...chores in the home are a great way to start your kids off to being individual, independant people. They learn early that work brings their rewards...even it is just a simple thing like actually having a bed or toys or whatever.
I started when I was 11 to work out of the home. I was paying full room and board then too, which continued until I was 17, when I was able to leave home.
Then, due to force of circumstance, I was encouraged to go back home to look after my ailing father while mom left to go have a life.
Hmm....that worked ok...except I never liked the idea of supporting all the bills for a household that was not mine in name. Never gain...so I thought....then a series of "exes"...dang, some lessons need to be relearned all the time huh?
Anyhow's....sounds like some good parenting going on out there, even when it over-rides the "politically correct" bs that is slung around out there willy-nilly.
Why "admit" you came from a bad upbringing? What? You are the ONLY one responsible for your actions...you KNOW the difference between right and wrong...stop blaming YOUR upbringing for YOUR bad behaviour. Start taking responsibility for YOUR actions...like some of the young people here have shown.
It goes a long ways towards making a sucessfull well adjusted adult! | |
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| Adult children. Are parents allowing their kids to be young.
Posted: 6/13/2008 3:04:54 PM |
Tell your kids they can't do anything "adult" (sex,drinking, marriage,kids,etc.) til they are 25, instead of do whatever you want at 18 & there will be alot less problems for them in life.
That's exactly what I tell my daughter. I didn't know that little bit of info. But now that I do I'll keep it.
I also tell her she can make her own life after she graduates college. Until then her butt is mine. | |
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