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| Any other widows out there with advice to share?
Posted: 5/5/2006 8:16:09 PM | I'm 34 with two fantastic kids and (I can finally say it now) I'm a "widow". I'm terrified to start "dating" again, especially where I live... I can just hear the judgements already. My husband died 6 and a half months ago. My interest in looking is BECAUSE I loved him so much, BECAUSE I loved that closeness and togetherness, and BECAUSE I miss it. People around here (meaning my home) wouldn't understand that.
Do any of you have advice to offer? What in the hell do you tell the kids when you start dating? My kids are great, terrific, well-behaved children but, I think it would still be a shocker for Mom to go out on a date and I don't believe in lying to anyone, least of all my kids. How did you all tackle that discussion? What do you say to your well-meaning friends who try to set you up on a "disaster date"? My friends have been trying to hook me up with three recent widowers and I'm sorry but tragic baggage + tragic baggage does not necessarily equal happiness. At what point in a relationship do you let them meet your children? I'm 99% sure it would have to be a proven, committed relationship before I took that step.
I don't know for sure what I'm asking, but any advice you can give me would be helpful and most appreciated. | |
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| Any other widows out there with advice to share?
Posted: 6/7/2006 5:41:28 AM | I have no children, so I can help there. Many on pof are in your position, and will be happy to help - just listen can mean so much.
Congradulation for being so logical about your sitution.
My late husband was only 39 when he died. It is not where we expect our lives to go. Hang in here, I promise it will be better, but it has been my experience that it will take a few years before you are ready to date. Please, please save yourself the heartache of dating to soon.
I know that you have so much love to give, and your husband isn't here for you to give your love to. Love yourself for all you are worth, until you are ready to move on. | |
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| Any other widows out there with advice to share?
Posted: 6/7/2006 5:53:57 AM | whoaminow...yes...another widow here also...you have to listen to your heart...it will tell you when you are ready...it took me a long time, but my son convinced me to go out again...he said I had too much love in my heart not to...and going out with other widowers doesn't have to be a bad thing either...you have things in common..and also someone else to talk with that know what you are going thru... if you feel you want to go out with someone who is single...or divorced...that is totally up to you... if you feel you are ready to go out, then listen to your heart and do it...remember...it is NOT anyone else except yourself...who is the person who is going thru what you are...listen to yourself first...and take what everyone else says second...they are NOT you...everyone moves at a different pace concering grieving...we all do it differently and handle it accordingily...and there is nothing wrong with that!! The kids and family and friends aren't you...they will learn what you want for yourself in a relationship will just have to be accepted because it is YOU who makes that choice...Good Luck!!
~Micheline'~ | |
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| Any other widows out there with advice to share?
Posted: 6/7/2006 6:27:18 AM | First let me say that I am very sorry for your loss. We who have lost someone like this are in a different position than most that you will find on this site or other personal sites. To have someone taken from us that we truely loved and was our world, if you will, is different in so many ways than being divorced or being separated-we will never physically see or hear from that person again. The lonliness can be unbearable. The fact that you probably, in so many ways, still see your husband in all the things and memories around you, especially with your children can be unbearable. But, we both know that our lost ones don't want us to feel that way.
I think we all do not give children enough credit for understanding and I think if you talk to them and tell them what you are feeling-you will be fine. This is about you and your mental survival. Take care of yourself. Do not worry about what others will think-they are not in your position.
As far as dating-what an experience. I have dated divorced, widowed and single women and I personally believe that a widowed person has a better understanding of what you have been and are now going through. But trying to come together, even superficially, will be really tough. Throw in all the "crazy's" that you will meet, and you will be in for a tough emotional time. (That is why my profile is hidden now-I had to take a break)
But it will come together, for both you and your children. Your loss will give you new strength and insight in a future relationship that most will never have. I do wish you the best. | |
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| Any other widows out there with advice to share?
Posted: 6/7/2006 6:39:26 AM | I was 32 when i lost my husband. My kids were 8 and 11. I did not want to date for about 8 months, so you seem pretty normal to me. I am still single 8 years later, because i want to be as sure of the next one as i was of the first one. But i have dated many men since then, and i was very surprised at my children's reaction. Not only were they okay with it, but quite enthusiastic; they wanted me to be happy. My mother lost her mother at a very early age also, and she remembers her father coming to her and telling her he was going to remarry. She said he explained it much like you have, that he had been happy with her Mom and wanted that again. She said that she totally understood that, and that she too was able to better outgrow her grief when she saw that her father was doing so. Never underestimate your kids' desire for your happiness, or their ability to cope. Both my kids (19 and 16 now) have developed strong relationships throughout their lives, and have constantly amazed me through the whole thing. The very best thing that you can give them is a happy mother, because it allows you to really be there for them.
As for everyone else, i don't think you will be judged as harshly as you fear, and if you are, who cares? Yours and your children's happiness are priority, not other people's opinions. | |
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| Any other widows out there with advice to share?
Posted: 6/7/2006 6:43:03 AM | Hi, My husband also died 6 months ago and I have felt so alone. We didn't have any children together so it's just me and my chihuahua "Elvis". Yes, the lonliness is extremely difficult. Don't listen to the negative people in your life. You can tell the kids the Mommy needs to have an adult freind to talk to because she misses Daddy so much and Daddy would want her to make new friends. There are alot of nice people on this site when you have problems or need advice. They made me feel better with their kind words even though I didn't know them. They will be able to give you different ways to look at things. I'm not dating yet because I'm just not ready. Yea, my friend did try to set me up but it just wasn't happening for me. I figured it might take maybe another 6 months. Anyway, Good Luck and I hope you meet someone that you can be comfortable around!!~~
Gail  | |
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| Any other widows out there with advice to share?
Posted: 6/7/2006 6:51:16 AM | | Iam a widow too, however I do not like to share that with men I meet, it seems to evoke the meaning that Iam desperate, which Iam not, it will be 2 yrs for me in August, I have been dating, even if I hate to do that, which I do, but its good to socialize with others, just try to follow your head, not your heart, as you will fall for the losers, players,mr.needys as I have in the past, I have a profile that says exactly what I want and dont want, I get few emails which is ok, because it is my way of weeding out the BS, take your time and learn to enjoy your time alone somehow, its not easy, but time heals all, the best to you... | |
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| Any other widows out there with advice to share?
Posted: 6/7/2006 8:49:11 AM | Sorry-I just wanted to share something else...In this set of circumstances that you are in, and certainly you may or may not realize it now, you have been given a gift. This is not something you wanted or certainly wished for, but for your children and yourself you will come to realize what is really important in this life. It will make your "search" difficult, but in the end-you will be at peace with what has happened.
One of the things I will ask a person, that weeds them out very quickly, at least for me, is this... In those final moments of your life, what will be the most important to you. All the extraneous things that we think will make us happy or will it be that person holding your hand. 99 percent of the time I get that little clueless pupply dog look. But that is good for me-I go on.
Take this alone time to nurture what you want for an answer.
My prayers are with you. | |
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| Any other widows out there with advice to share?
Posted: 6/7/2006 9:29:34 AM | Just wanted to say that I am sorry for everyone's losses here...I can feel the love and caring all of you are going thru just by reading your posts...we all know what it feels like to our Hearts and lives losing someone so close in our Hearts that have been in our lives and Hearts...and I think rdmolan kind of sized it up pretty well with the question he would ask about the final moments in your life...What would be the most important to you...mine would be...the person that holds my Heart and hand in their Heart and hand...it's all about Love...all the other things are just material to me...
~Micheline~ | |
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| Any other widows out there with advice to share?
Posted: 6/7/2006 3:22:34 PM | That this experience is a "gift" in someway is so true. 10 years from now, you will realize alll that you have gained from it. What a person you will become!
I so relate to what rdmolan is saying about the clueless puppy dog look. We have been blessed that we are no longer clueless. | |
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| Any other widows out there with advice to share?
Posted: 6/7/2006 3:55:10 PM | I don't have a similar experience to share but I did want to say as bad as my heart aches right now I wish I had 1/10th the strength you all have to move on with your lives.
How are you doing it?
How are you coping?
This has to be the hardest thing in life to face. I know when my mom died 7 months ago I got through it through my faith.
I am definitely learning about coping through your experiences. Thank you for sharing and God Bless you all.... | |
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| Any other widows out there with advice to share?
Posted: 6/7/2006 4:05:24 PM | whoaminow,,,your nick says it all,,
Take the time to find that out. Ask yourself the "basic" questions, What is my fav color, food, sytle of dress. Define who you are, without the other half of yourself.
Jarbarian, you are a compasionate human being
To all my "sistas", we are indeed different and unique | |
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| Any other widows out there with advice to share?
Posted: 6/7/2006 5:28:28 PM | Hi,
i was widowed 5 years ago after my husband had a long term illness. Everyone finds theirown way of adjusting. For the first year I never knew which end was up which caused me to find a relationship that really held nothing for me but hurt. you could find someone who is right for you around any corner or it may take time, but which ever one it is, give it time to grow and so that you can see that person for who they really are. It is too easy for you to see them for the things that remind you of the one that you lost. time does help and so does gettting help in what ever form you choose. you can't just get over it like some friends and family members would like you too. Being a young widow was hard for me, but luckily I had a great mother-in-law who had lost a husband an another long term relationship. I found my strength in her and so you might find it helpful to connect with a person that has gone through the greiving period and just talk. Don't let anyone tell you each and every move that you should make, but don't jump into things the moment that they come up. talk with friends, family, church members or a proffesional and listen to their words, but use your own mind to filter out what doesn't fit for you.
I was left with no children and very little blood relation, but I found strenght in a few close people. If you feel like you need to go out soon after a loss, just don't take it past a point where you will regret it. there is no standard morning time, everyone needs to find what is right for their own life. i can't imagine that finding someone that is right for children would make a happy and loving home if you can't connect with that person in some heart felt manner and it would be hard on the kids later. | |
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| Any other widows out there with advice to share?
Posted: 6/7/2006 6:20:23 PM | jarbarian...yes, it is hard...probably as hard as the loss of your Mom...I'm so sorry to hear this of your Mom...No one can measure which is the most or least in a loss...please know I will add her and you to my prayer's...you DO have the strength tho...you have proven this already...thru what you are going thru right now with your own loss and how you are coping with it...I think that was very sweet of you to come on here and share your loss with all of us...thank you for sharing...you are most welcome to come on here and post anything you feel you need to post...any loss is just that...A LOSS...be it Husband,Mother,Brother,Sister or Friend...Thank you for being here and for your Blessings to us...the same to you always also...
~Micheline~ | |
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| Any other widows out there with advice to share?
Posted: 6/7/2006 8:22:58 PM | Hi, whoaminow,
Don't worry about anybody judging you. You alone have to decide when you're ready to start dating again. It's different for everyone, and those who judge aren't worth worrying about.
But I'll suggest that you think very carefully about rushing into something because you miss the closeness and togetherness you had with your husband. Your longing, aching for that is all part of the hand your were dealt, but I think for most people six months is still "shock" territory. Hard for you, but also hard for any man who might fall for you during this time.
Wish I had something to say to make you feel better, but we both know there are no words that will do that. So I'll just send you my best wishes.
Good luck | |
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| Any other widows out there with advice to share?
Posted: 7/6/2006 1:01:56 PM | hi
i am a widow and have been one for six years i was only 30 when i lost my husband suddenly and nine months pregnant with our third child all i can say is when you are ready to date you are ready and it is your own personal choice i have only just started to realise that i am now ready for a relationship but i feel i have left it too late my children would love me to meet someone but it has took them a long time to say it i dont really know what i am trying to say except we are all different nobody can tell you when its right but you
good luck | |
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| Any other widows out there with advice to share?
Posted: 7/6/2006 9:37:39 PM | | Wow I just opened my own thread on this topic because I hadn't seen this one.So I will ask my question again, I was "widowed" 6 months before our wedding. It will be 3 years in Augest and he was my life, Nothing ever seems to be right anymore. At the encouragement of friends I have come here to look around and have seen a couple of gentleman who I think i would enjoy chatting with. But I don't know how to get around the enourmous feeling of guilt that I am cheating on him. How can you all manage in a few months ? I know the sense of lonliness is overwhelming at times but so is the feeling that it will never be him. I can't figure out how to get it into my head that I'm not, I think I am, but my friends and family say Im not. what did all you ladies do? | |
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| Any other widows out there with advice to share?
Posted: 7/6/2006 9:59:10 PM | Hi whoaminow,
I am considerably older than you are and have been widowed twice. My best advice to you is to take it easy, date when you are ready, forget about any timelines and above all don't be afraid to ask for help! I made this mistake, thinking I could do everything on my own and it was brutal. Lean on your friends and family--they'll be happy to support you. Be true to yourself. The old saying what doesn't kill you makes you stronger is true, BUT if you don't have a good support network, it can drag you waaaaay down before you start to make your way to the surface. My heart goes out to you. You have strength and courage and you will make it through this. Take each day and enjoy your kids--they are what will pull you through. Best of luck. | |
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| Any other widows out there with advice to share?
Posted: 7/7/2006 4:32:18 PM | hi alikat
you are right i met my husband when i was 16 married him when i was 17 and he was most definatly my life and when he died i was a mess and it has been 6 years since my husband died and i still feel guilty if i think that i might want to meet somebody else all i can say is that you will know when you are ready! good luck | |
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kame
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Joined: 4/7/2006
Msg: 20 | |
| Any other widows out there with advice to share?
Posted: 7/7/2006 4:56:06 PM | Sorry for your loss:
When your ready to start dating rather your community excepts it or not is there problem, everyone deserves happyness,they shouldnt be such busy bodys anyways,and as far as your friends setting you up just tell them thanks but you would rather decide who it is you want to see,its more likley going to feel rather awkward for you at first, just remember Im sure your husband would want you to have a partner and someone to spend time with your children ,as far as the kids just tell them your friends and let them slowly get use to him being around,good luck to you | |
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| Any other widows out there with advice to share?
Posted: 7/30/2006 11:20:55 AM | I am sorry to hear about your loss.
My late husband was 30 when he passed away suddenly 2.5 yrs ago. We did not have children, but I lived close to his family and it was difficult knowing anything (re: what to do ... what to feel ... how to go on) right away.
It took me a while to make solid decisions and even after I believed I had sorted it out and was ready, I ended up making poor ones in terms of 'relationships'. I didn't realise it at the time, but I was vulnerable and what I thought were two steps forward took me a few steps back in my struggle to 'go on with my life'.
The only advice I have to offer, from my own experience, is that you allow yourself to feel what you feel and to allow yourself to grieve without feeling like you need to make life-changing decisions yet. Try taking time for yourself to heal; I know what it's like to feel that empty space in the bed so acutely ... the void and the zombie-like motions you must go through everyday trying to understand what the hell happened. But please try and give yourself time because more likely than not, at this stage you probably will make choices that aren't the best ones. I finally picked up a book and read it (2 years later) and I wish I had done so sooner or at least known about sites like this one where I could gain more insight from people in the same position as myself ...
I know when the time is right for you everything will fall into place, with relationships, your children, your family and most of all with yourself. Well-meaning friends and family offer advice along the lines of 'you're young, you've got your whole life ahead of you, etc etc' ... all true BUT you'll know when the time is right for you. Take the time you need and try not to share it right away ... it's so hard but in my experience, it's best.
My heart goes out to all of you. | |
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| Any other widows out there with advice to share?
Posted: 7/30/2006 12:33:15 PM | The best advice I got was that "It doesn't get better, it gets different".
I tried dating about 6 months after my husband died. I wasn't ready emotionally at all. I'm sure I creeped a few dates out about talking about him. I quit dating and spent some time on going through my grieving process as well as to figure out who I was without him. I was so busy with making changes to my life and with raising my daughter that I took a 7-year break from dating.
While your friends and family mean well, but only you will know when you are ready. My advice is to grieve and maybe see a grief counsellor (which is what I ended up doing). Work on you. Spend time with your kids.
As for what to tell the kids -- I don't have a clue. Mine was an infant when her father died. She knows I date, but she never meets any of them as none have gotten that far into my life yet.
Good luck to all the fellow widows and widowers out there...and...*HUGS* | |
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| Any other widows out there with advice to share?
Posted: 7/30/2006 1:05:24 PM | Hi All,
I have been a widow for six months. I am an older lady (67), and my husband went through a long, slowly deteriorating illness. About 3 days before he died, he made me promise him that l would go on with my life, and have some enjoyment while I was still able. I went to a Christian Singles dance last night, my first social outing as a "single" person. It was a good way to begin to communicate with others in a "non-threatening" way. Much to my surprise, I met several people like me whose spouses had been gone for a short while....all of them felt as I do....that it is time FOR THEM to interact again in this type of setting. We all agreed that we weren't yet ready to actually date or have a one-on-one relationship, but this is a way for us to have something to look forward to on the weekend. I find that my whole attitude has been uplifted.
This may not be right for everyone, but it does seem right for me at this point in my life. My children are 100% behind me, but many of my extended family and friends may think I am not "respecting my husband's memory"....my answer to that is "Give me advice when you have walked in my shoes!" I have heard it said on grief forums that you are paying your late spouse a compliment when you seek to find the same kind of relationship that you had with him/her.
Best of luck to all in our shoes, no matter what you choose, or feel is right for you. "Right for you" is the key phrase!!
Hugs to all,
Swamp*Angel | |
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| Any other widows out there with advice to share?
Posted: 7/30/2006 7:38:55 PM | | I am a widow too. Twice for me. I was widowed at age 35 my husband was 36. I got married again and married a man eight years younger than me thinking he would live forever. He passed away a little over a year ago. Lost both to cancer. Different kinds but cancer all the same. I had four kids with my first husband. The youngest wasnt even two when his daddy died. I would love to chat with you. You can email me at sandy50@bright.net | |
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| Any other widows out there with advice to share?
Posted: 7/31/2006 12:10:53 PM | hi there,,I lost my partner four years ago ,,suddenly,,my kids were 12/8/4 it nearly broke me,,,my world was turned upside down,,and if it wasnt for my kids,,I wouldnt be here now,,and thats the truth.
As for dating,,,I would say to you,,,its way too soon,,I know because I did it,,and it was the worst mistake of my life,,you need time to heal, and mend. For me the pain doesnt ever go away just gets more bearable.
If and when you do decide to date again,,,just be honest with your kids,,,I do date now,,and Im seeing a wonderful guy,,who I introduced to my kids,,pretty much straight away,,,,Im just honest with them,,,I do get a lot of grief from them,,,but at the end of the day,,its my life,,and I deserve to be happy,,,,,not that I dont take their feelings into consideration,,I do,,but kids can be kinda selfish,,,,when it comes to their mum,,also they are very protective over you,,which is a lovely thing.
I wish you well in all you do,,but please dont rush into anything,,thats my advice but its entirely up to you at the end of the day.
I know your days must be very difficult,,,thinking of you,,,,x | |
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