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| Rape victim can't heal
Posted: 2/15/2005 11:10:45 PM | When I was growing up, my father disapproved of everything associated with girls. Girls were dumb, illogical, irrational and overly dramatic.
When I was about nine or ten, my grandmother sexually molested me. I told my parents and nothing was done.
When I was 13, my 17 year old next-door neighbor raped me anally. I didn't tell anyone for two years.
Last October, I met a guy and took him back to my place. After an hour of him making me feel bad for not having sex with him, I finally "gave in" (meaning I spread my legs and let him get off.)
How is a girl who has only known emotional, sexual and physical pain from men supposed to trust them? How am I supposed to trust a man enough to be open to loving/marrying one?
I do have feelings for women but because of my religious beliefs, I don't practice them. Why would God put me through all this suffering from men and still expect me to date them? I'm so confused and pretty much hopeless.
Think I could be a nun, even though I'm not a virgin? | |
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| Rape victim can't heal
Posted: 2/15/2005 11:21:26 PM | that is horrible
you are unfortunate that you have met all the bad people in the world already, trust me it does get better and there are millions of guys that will treat you the way you deserve | |
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| Rape victim can't heal
Posted: 2/16/2005 12:56:10 AM | As a survivor of family rape, sodomy and incest from both my mother and her ex boyfriend as well as some men i have dated and an uncle, I can tell you it never gets easier. EVER!. You will always be slow to trust and leery of others who want to share in your life. The hope that we have though, is finding people who may not know what we have been through, but care enough to learn about it and to be sympathetic and go slow with us. I was fortunate enough to have friends that were patient with me and understanding enough for me to open up with, so now they truly understand who I am and why I do and say the things that I do.
Hang in there hun, that which doesn't kill us, only makes us stronger.
If you ever need anything, my inbox is always there and I will get back to you ASAP. | |
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| Rape victim can't heal
Posted: 2/16/2005 1:13:05 AM | "I can tell you it never gets easier. EVER."
This is so true. I get so worried when people tell girls that have recently been raped that time will heal them. It won't. Not when our society promotes a man's overly sexual nature as a good thing. Not when men that are respectful of sex and women are insulted as "pansies" or have their sexuality questioned.
It has been over 12 years since my first negative experience with a man (verbal, led to slight physical contact) and I still cannot trust them. It used to be fear, and now it is anger and indifference.
I went to a performance of The Vagina Monologues and they talked about women in Kosovo being raped all over the country as a systematic tactic of war. Over 70,000 women were raped during this war. What is MORE astounding is that over 500,000 women are raped in the United States EVERY SINGLE YEAR and we are not at war. People need to realize that it is FAR FAR TOO COMMON. It does not happen to the few. It happens to the majority. One in three women are raped or otherwise sexually assaulted/molested by the time they reach the age of twenty-five. These are only REPORTED cases. Nevermind the girls and women that never come forward.
People think the damage ends when the rape is over and the body heals. This is not true. The damage, hurt, doubt, anger, helplessness lasts a lifetime. What do most rapists get when they ARE actually charged, convicted and sentenced? A few years at max. They pay a few years out of their lives for robbing a woman of her entire life. This doesn't take into account the fact that only ten percent of REPORTED sexual assaults are ever prosecuted and sent to trial. A fraction of a fraction of these offenders are being punished for a crime so instinctively heinous.
If I ever do get married or fall in love, I want to find all the men that ever hurt me and say "This is how much you meant to me. You tried to hurt me so badly and still I've won." | |
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| Rape victim can't heal
Posted: 2/16/2005 1:23:26 AM | only other thing i can offer is this
"She who forgets her past is doomed to repeat it, but she who lives in the past will stay there forever" | |
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| Rape victim can't heal
Posted: 2/17/2005 4:53:57 PM | you know I might come off as the bad guy here, , and get boo'd but let me see ok I understand you have had a bad past, growing up, things have happened, that can never be changed, but if your really all that hurt and bothered by it,, WHY IN THE HELL WOULD YOU TAKE A GUY BACK TO YOUR PLACE AND SPREAD YOUR LEGS, BECAUSE HE MADE YOU FEEL BAD??,,
YOUR an adult, and you did that willingly, so are you all that troubled if you just spread them to spread them???, how about im not up to it,, better yet, if you didnt want to why did you put yourself in the position for it to happen??, | |
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w8in4u
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Joined: 12/26/2004
Msg: 7 | |
| Rape victim can't heal
Posted: 2/17/2005 5:21:36 PM | Retro,
In my case it did get better. It took me 33 years of doing all the wrong things and ending up in the same place before I finally forgave myself. I allowed this person (more than one) to screw me up by what had happened for far too long. Eventually, I just said "F**K YOU" and I took my life back.
Trusting anyone is extremely difficult and in the back of my mind I'm always waiting to be disappointed. I've learned to accept that. And the man I'm with knows me and about being with a rape victim to understand me.
It was also very difficult to believe that anyone could care for me. No matter what anyone said, i always thought they had an alterior (sp?) motive.
I don't think that it ever goes away, not completely - and it probably shouldn't cause I know that I don't want to go back there again.
I did a lot of counseling, journaling, reading but it wasn't until I had had enough of the pain that I just decided to go on.
You can be a winner - what was done to you was the actions of sick people - how you continue on is the action of a strong person. | |
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| Rape victim can't heal
Posted: 2/17/2005 5:55:00 PM | | I'm a rape victim too. a year ago. I haven't really competely healed from it. I know that there are SOME nice guys out there. Granted I'm still angry and upset and hurt because of taht ONE night that my life got changed. I gradually came through a year of dealing iwth it to find out that I'm almost at peace with it and accepting it. It is forever a part of who I am now, and any guy who dates me, will have to deal with thatt and accept that. I'm grateful to all of my friends who helped me out during that rough time and pulled me through. I do go out with guys now and still have difficulty of trusting them competely, tis always in back of my mind- are you going to turn around and be mean.. or bad, or hurt me? So, its just like life is a game you play with the cards you have and that are "dealt".... | |
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| Rape victim can't heal
Posted: 2/17/2005 6:15:03 PM | | HEY, I AM SO SORRY FOR YOUR PAIN. I HAVE NEVER BEEN RAPED BUT I HAVE EXPERIENCED HURT AND PAIN THAT MADE ME QUESTION GOD AS WELL AT ONE POINT. I THINK THAT THIS IS NOT THE TIME FOR YOU TO BE THINKING ABOUT A MAN. THEY'LL ALWAYS BE THERE. IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO HEAL S E L F! YOU DONT DESERVE ANYTHING THAT HAPPENED TO YOU AND YOU ARE NOT A LESSER PERSON BECAUSE IT DID. THINGS HAPPEN THAT WE CAN'T BEGIN TO EXPLAIN BUT THE POINT IS IT DIDN'T BREAK YOU! DON'T LET IT BREAK YOU. YOU ARE A UNIQUE BEING CREATED BY GOD. ONCE YOU GET YOU STRAIGHT, MR RIGHT WILL COME AROUND. | |
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| Rape victim can't heal
Posted: 2/17/2005 6:18:58 PM | | SO, true SO true.. but I'm a better person for having gone through it.. and Still trying to talk to people and trust them? u know.. Not exactly sure. I think every person has their own timetable as to how they want to deal with situations and every person reacts to situations differently.. I however, bawled for It, felt like months... I still tear up when people ask about that, or the baby that died. I'm exicted about the life in the future because there is a life. and a life that needs to be lived, its not all about the past, it just makes YOU be who you are. | |
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| Rape victim can't heal
Posted: 2/17/2005 6:55:39 PM | | Some things you can't get over, but you can get past them. Sorry | |
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| Rape victim can't heal
Posted: 2/17/2005 6:58:53 PM | | Rape victims can't heal if they won't let themselves. I was inappropriately touched by relatives when I was still in diapers, I was inappropriately touched by a relative when I was 11, I was "date-raped" when I was 19, again (by a different man) when I was 21, and again (yet still a different person) at age 23. How did I deal with it? I got fat as a defense mechanism. It didn't work. No, I didn't get raped again, but my weight didn't stop guys from still wanting to have sex with me. Sure, the number of guys has diminished quite a bit, but the guys that I do turn on get very hot for me. I have thought about the things that would have been much worse for me than getting raped. Losing an arm or a leg, getting a breast lopped off because of cancer, having a hysterectomy before I could have my kids, losing my vision, all sorts of things. Yeah, sure it's bad, nobody's stupid enough to say it isn't. But there are a lot of things worse. Admittedly, my life was only seriously in danger once. I definitely still feel the repercussions - I'm still fat - but I am (slowly) losing weight and working on refusing to let those guys still have any kind of control over me. As an adult, you're only a victim if you choose to be. No matter what happens to your body, no one can take your mind and spirit. | |
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| Rape victim can't heal
Posted: 2/17/2005 7:01:26 PM |
Think I could be a nun, even though I'm not a virgin?
RMG, whether that's tongue-in-cheek or serious, I'd like you to think that nothing gets resolved by just entering a convent because you're tired of being hurt. Not that it's a bad thing (I have an older sister who's a contemplative nun. Contemplative nuns are the type that never go out of the convent) but it might aggravate your conflicted feelings.
Having said that, I think they accept virgins or non-virgins, depending on the order ("order" is the term for religious organizations).
I've never had the experience you had but I've done counselling for those who have. The pain recedes over time, but it leaves scars. Scarred people are beautiful.  | |
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| Rape victim can't heal
Posted: 2/18/2005 12:23:42 AM | | A book I once read and did the worksheets on is called "The Courage to Heal". You might find this as a useful tool to help you learn how to heal yourself. I wish you the best on this. | |
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| Rape victim can't heal
Posted: 2/18/2005 10:54:27 AM | Hello lovelies....
I wish I could take away your pain but all I can say is your stronger than it and for those that say how could you ALLOW something like that to happen,I just pray you don't have daughters.... You can call RAINN ( Rape Abuse Incest National Network) at 1-800-656-HOPE and find some help in your local area and my ears are always available to anyone who needs to talk.
Halley | |
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| Rape victim can't heal
Posted: 2/18/2005 11:20:44 AM | | i was systematically sexually abused by several relatives for 14 years, and have suffered from disturbing flashbacks for the last 10 years.The one thing i did was try to run away from it all, both physically and emotionally, however, believe me you have to meet these demons face to face. I know its hard but nothing will be as difficult or painful as the original abuse. I have struggled to maintain relationships due to flashbacks proceeding love making.I have felt all the typical feelings of an abuse survivor, BUT, not any more!!!! I have reentered counseling and have been given medication to take the edge off the flashbacks and i am working hard to live the life that we as survivors are entitled to. You need to search deep inside to find the strength needed, but, believe me you have it, you got this far.Once you put your own emotional house in order then you will be ready to look for a partner, and as for trust, i cant answer that cos of all the traits i cant lose is one of cynicisml Good luck | |
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| Rape victim can't heal
Posted: 2/18/2005 12:40:13 PM | I am a rape victim as of Nov. 04. My boyfriend raped my anally. Thats the first time I said that out right.
Its been hard to trust people... I dont think it ever totally goes away...
but I am new to this | |
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| Rape victim can't heal
Posted: 2/18/2005 12:48:19 PM | | that fooking sucks, i'd like to kick each and every one of them in the nuts. there is plenty of dirties out in the world who will let you do anything you want to them. why do it to the good one's. sorry to hear your stories and i don't really know what to say, other than i'd like to castrate the mofo's! | |
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| Rape victim can't heal
Posted: 2/18/2005 1:44:00 PM | | Everybody has a story.....They say if we could all hang our problems out on a line, and pick our problems, we would pick exactly what it is we went through, because in comparison to others problems, ours look small. Whenever I start to feel sorry for myself, I go the a hospital, and visit the cancer ward with children...It is there I learned about courage, hope and forgiveness. Never pray for an easy life...pray for the courage to handle a difficult one....God`s speed.....redneckgirl133: | |
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| Rape victim can't heal
Posted: 2/18/2005 5:04:15 PM | | that is so true, redneck girl and so well said............when we focus on our pain, it is big in our eyes, but when we focus on anothers pain, we cant help but reach out to them...............there are alot of books out there, there are all types of counseling.....but they only help when you utilize them........... | |
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| Rape victim can't heal
Posted: 2/18/2005 7:17:29 PM | | when the right person comes along, they'll help you learn to trust them and will be there even when you think you don't need help or are too untrusting to ask for it...trust me...I know ((((HUGS)))) | |
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| Rape victim can't heal
Posted: 2/18/2005 8:24:37 PM | Hi Marilyn, i am so sorry to hear about your misfortune, but i have a story for you that will make yours sound a little better,i hope,well anyways, i am fully recovered and am now a crossing Guard here in my hometown of Revere,MA......
NO CHILD IS A NUMBER
Now I am going to tell you a story that will put you on the edge of your seat - sit right back and listen. It happened in September of 1974, when I was a tender 9-year-old. One fall day I was with a bunch of friends down at Suffolk Downs Race Track in East Boston, MA when all of a sudden a man pulled up in a big white car asking if any of us would like to wash his car and earn ten dollars. Naturally, one of my 9-year-old friends and I bucked up. Well I won. So I thought – but right then, I thought “A fast way to make $10 bucks! Cool! I entered the man’s car and he drove off, we ending up near the waterfront in the Orient Heights section of East Boston. Then this man, 22-yrs-old at the time, lured me into the tall brush and made sexual advances toward me. I refused and it was either do or die - and you know I didn't want to die – and he hit me. And my world went black for the next six weeks. He then dragged me along the rocks by my arm –further onto Massport property, right where the planes land. To this day I retain scars on my back from it - and he took me further into the tall brush. He next picked up a 2X4 and started to bash my little body up, smashing me - like Gallagher would a watermelon - then picked up another one after leaving the first stuck through my forehead with nails sticking into my nine year old skull - God knows how rusty or dirty - and next picked up another to further bludgeon me, this second being left buried through my shoulder. He then leaves and abandons me there to die. Overnight I lay there slipping in and out of consciousness in a pool of my own blood a few feet from the waterline until the next morning, when a Mr. Frank Contrada had come to walk his dog, Shaggy. The dog smelled my blood and Frank let him go. Into the tall reeds he ran, stopping at my nearly lifeless body and laying next to me. Frank went to investigate and found his dog lying next to what he thought was a rag-doll that the kids had set fire to (picture all the dried blood made me look that way). He noticed only when I moaned that I was a human being, then, Frank had gone to nearby cottages to summon help. The second home he tried, there were people home who summoned all the necessary agencies and they responded rather quickly. Off they whisked me by ambulance to the Massachusetts General Hospital where the doctors had the task of putting me back together as I lay in a coma for the next six weeks, my eyes looking like tennis balls their being so swollen. My mother had told me, as my parents lay vigil at my bedside, 24-hours-a-day, seven days a week, my father worked and after work would come to visit his 9-year-old me, all hooked up to all manner of machines – various tubes going in and out of my body. But I would not give up. Because I was very close to passing on, they didn't think I would make it. Well I disproved all their fears in that I was a little fighter and was not going out like that… As the sixth week came I started to wake from my coma, and shocked all as I opened my eyes. When I was OK enough to start rehabilitation I was then whisked away to another hospital in Brighton, MA - The Kennedy Hospital - where the grueling task of rehabbing began. As they taught me how to walk all over again, talk all over again, I basically had to start life over at nine years old, but was determined to become as whole as I could again. I progressed dramatically, as people were coming to visit - my classmates in the 4th-grade and parents, and just about everyone (I retain all the get-well cards that I had received while recovering). Some months later, they released me when I was well enough to go home. Wearing a football helmet, off I went into the world again – affected today by only those scars, oh, and a seizure disorder for which I take medication and have taken since that frightful event. I then went back to school, having some - but not much - difficulty getting back into the swing of things with my peers. I graduated high school in 1983 and managed still to gain employment at such places as Gillette Razor Company, Hood Milk and many other companies.
Mr. Magnasco’s 9-year-old assault victim lived on to have two beautiful sons of his own, who are now 15 and 17½ - ?. We live in the same house I lived in as a child.
I have, since the late 1990’s, opened up about my story after reading in the paper about a little 10-year-old child who was murdered after being offered a bike. His name is Jeffery Curley. I have since increasingly become very close friends with Jeffrey’s father and family members and like them have been advocating at the State House in Boston for tighter sexual assault legislation. Our laws are getting tougher everyday. I also gave testimony on a bill back in 1999 so as to bolster up the sex offender bill, which unanimously passed into law, and then I watched at a “press only” bill signing as then Governor Paul Cellucci signed it into law. I have amassed photos and news clippings and retain even a couple of interviews on videotape, one being of a Fox 25 interview of myself and the gentleman who acted to save my life, Frank – who, himself, was only a 19-year-old adult male at the time and who today is now 48 or 49-years-old; an interview about what he discovered, along with his dog, Shaggy, following the near fatal events of that tragic day. I also enjoyed an interview with Emily Rooney for her local issue-oriented PBS program, Greater Boston about my story and its fortunate, happy ending. And I would like to and intend to continue speaking outwardly and openly, through interview and all available means, all channels, all media in order to inform, to make children so completely aware that we no longer all read yet another after another tragic American story – with more often far less fortunate endings than my own - I know I am sick of reading that stuff, how it sickens me to see what these villains have done and continue to do and how they continue to thrive in this world, preying upon the most vulnerable of us – because, mind you: the man that did this to me was caught a week later, but he got out when I was only sixteen years old, whereas I am now going on having served my 30-th year, as a result of a crime from which, though I lived to tell, I well never see a chance of parole. I, along with all my co-victims – yesterday’s, today’s, and - tragically - tomorrow’s; we straightly receive a life sentence.
Well this story has a twist – nearly interrupting my happy ending, but I am present and available to assist you all in keeping fortunate outcomes such as mine secured for today and tomorrows tender victims. You see, it seems this other little boy, one also in his tender years, a mere10-year-old, was abducted in April of 1974. He was not so lucky - he never made it home. They never found his body. The State Police homicide detectives approached me during the summer of 2001, asking me questions about my personal assailant. I told them everything I knew. They have also interviewed Frank, who found me in that field all those years ago. Seems they had reopened that missing person’s folder on that little 10-year-old boy (as I was to learn a few weeks later upon opening my local paper, being confronted with “DA's Office Reopens Missing Persons Case from 1974”) in 2001. Can be made available at the request of any and everyone who similarly is striving to strengthen and ensure the protections around our children until they are no longer selected all too fearlessly as berries on the vine plucked from their lives to service and to sate ravenous birds that nearly liberally flock to, prey upon and thrive upon them; until the papers are quieted from the noise of their suffering, their shock, and their many silenced cries.
I have come a long way, have jumped often to overcome many hurdles in my life. God was watching me and kept me through the night, each night. Realize, I am here for a reason - I know there is a Higher Power that has had a hand in my being alive to speak out today. Taking it all in over the years and now speaking out feels great! I am doing this for the common good and invite you, if you are not on board, to get on board or otherwise encourage you to renew your commitment. And if you agree this sounds like a relevant issue and would care to avail yourselves of one of the public in bringing this issue to the fore, not just as a hot topic, but as a means to a positive and final end, then count me at your service and to that end will I always remain at their service to tell my story and prevent these situations from happening.
tter, and i hope it does...:-)... | |
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| Rape victim can't heal
Posted: 2/18/2005 9:51:53 PM | | God bless you guys March of 1973 I ranaway from home and while hitching got picked up by a child molester who would not let me go until I had sex with him while trying to get away, I took his life...Acouple years later I was brutally raped and slashed near Chicago..I held it in for many years and was very angry a few years ago I went to a rape crisis center and got therapy for several years..I have given myself to the lord and surrendered my anger..I too became an advocate aganist male molestion and rape but wasn't ready at the time to deal with what happened to me I dropped out now many years later I am a survivor of what I went through and I'm here for anyone who wants to talk..You never forget what happened to you but with time and help life gets acceptable.... | |
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| Rape victim can't heal
Posted: 2/19/2005 8:15:29 AM | The best advice I can give (as a former survivor myself):
1-it was never your fault (the criminal is your grandmother, neighbor, boyfriend, people
you were suppose to trust)
2-develop an appreciation of faith in God's supernatural powers-you will be the victor in
the end.
3- a crime against child and specifically, a sexual crime is unforgiveable and unforgetable.
And the crime is punishable by the law.
4-Don't waste your precious time dwelling on the past. Have nothing to do with those who
treat you in a way that makes you feel bad about yourself.
5- You can, will and must overcome your sadness at being violated. It is counter-productive to your future life, which can be awesome.
6- They say the best revenge is a life well lived. Find joy in the simple things, give thanks to God for samll blessings (health) and get yourself educated and financially solvent.
7- Don't hang out with guys (or girls either) that disrespect, undermine, play around with or sabotage your faith in yourself.
8- Read the book, "He's Just Not That Into You" by Greg Behrendt fo some sage advice on men who are into you only for the sex, no matter what he may say to you-actions always speak louder than words.
9- Know that are you a child of God and he's is waiting to help. Believe that. And be very good to any children you may have in this lifetime. | |
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| Rape victim can't heal
Posted: 2/19/2005 10:03:21 AM | | RETRO,shut up,quit sulking...this is what i think...bad stuff happens,get over it.starting today,dont talk about it ,dont think about it.but allways be carefull, a can of mace in your purse,so on and so forth.if you dont follow my advice,this topic of yours will define the rest of your life.focus on being you ,and positive things that life has to offer | |
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