| why do I (+ most women) love assholes??
Posted: 5/17/2006 7:59:23 AM | Ok so this is a general question for all men and women to answer.
I broke up with my ex 7 months ago and I am still having a very hard time getting used to the single life. we dated for 1.5 years, he was the only real relationship ive had. when i was taken, everyone wanted a piece, but now that i am single and looking, nobody cares.
since my ex, I have had a handful of bad dating experences with people who weren't right for me. everytime something goes wrong, all i can think of is running to the nearest phone and dialing his number. Its like a crazy compulsion that i cant get past. 
To make matters worse, he has pretty much given up on me and moved on, and i am still harassing him like a loser. I just cant help myself, even though he always made me extremely unhappy. He wont pick up his phone or reply to anything i say and i still just keep trying. My entire circle of friends and my whole family all hate his guts and think he is an ***hole.... and they know whats going on so they are rapidly losing respect for me..  The only real thing we had with eachother was love.. but he is so tainted he obviously doesnt really care, atleast not like i do. i feel as if i am being split in half. I know we must stay apart, I myself have told him many times. but i don't want to lose contact with him forever and just never speak again. the thought haunts me daily. I dream of him every night, that we are back together and happy (yea right).. and welll.. this whole thing is just starting to weigh me down. I've never had to deal with rejection to this extent before. I know I am a loser for harassing and loving an ***hole, but I also know I am not the only one. So thats my story Whats my problem? | |
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| why do I (+ most women) love assholes??
Posted: 5/17/2006 10:05:40 AM | | You are scared of nice guys.........Why don't you go to bars....There will be plenty of your types in those places.....I am sure in time you will find another one just like your EX...Just give it time...There are plenty of jerks to go around.... | |
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| why do I (+ most women) love assholes??
Posted: 5/17/2006 10:28:24 AM | Do you think you are gravitating back to your ex because you haven't found another person that holds your interest or expectations? You are only 19 years old, give it some time. Be happy with yourself, do things with your friends, spend time with your family and this will turn around. In my past, I put way too much into physical appearance and I always ended up with guys that cheat and lie (aka: a$$hole). Now, I am seeing a guy that is still a good looking guy, but out of the norm of what I would really go for and I've never been treated better by anyone. I say just give yourself some time, follow your heart, but listen to your head and think about what your family says
Good Luck....I do know how you feel. | |
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| why do I (+ most women) love assholes??
Posted: 5/17/2006 10:31:33 AM | Yes I would have to agree with tarheelman, plenty of jerks all over the place...to just chase one that won't give you the time of day will make you feel even more horrible. Why torture yourself, you know what happens when guys like that realize YOU have moved on (or at least think you have, if only you would stop contacting him)? They come crawling back like the dogs that they are.
It sounds like you are in critical ultra-desperation mode, we have all been there sister, including myself. This road will bring you nowhere, you need to get the hell off it and spend more time with your friends and pampering yourself.
Don't let this guy make you feel like less of a person than he is just because he has a new girlfriend. He's probably just as desperate if not more. In fact, most jerks are. Self-confidence comes from within, find other ways to feel good about yourself than attention from guys. Who cares how many guys flirt with or ask you out? Most guys would give EVERY girl with at least one nipple and a leg a chance in the sack. Yes it's sad, I know. Chances are he doesn't even like this new girl and even if he does you need to start letting go. Crying pathetically begging someone back and semi-stalking them is NOT going to make them come back, guarenteed, and it's not very attractive either. If you have to convince someone to be with you, it is not meant to be you need to accept it. | |
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| why do I (+ most women) love assholes??
Posted: 5/17/2006 11:08:41 AM |
Ok so this is a general question for all men and women to answer.
I broke up with my ex 7 months ago and I am still having a very hard time getting used to the single life. we dated for 1.5 years, he was the only real relationship ive had. when i was taken, everyone wanted a piece, but now that i am single and looking, nobody cares.
Everybody wants something they can not have. Most "taken" people get asked out often because they are unavailable and it's a challenge.
since my ex, I have had a handful of bad dating experences with people who weren't right for me. everytime something goes wrong, all i can think of is running to the nearest phone and dialing his number. Its like a crazy compulsion that i cant get past.
You can't get into anyone else because you haven't completely let go of your ex. You need to let him go before you can date anyone else successfully.
To make matters worse, he has pretty much given up on me and moved on, and i am still harassing him like a loser. I just cant help myself, even though he always made me extremely unhappy. He wont pick up his phone or reply to anything i say and i still just keep trying. My entire circle of friends and my whole family all hate his guts and think he is an ***hole.... and they know whats going on so they are rapidly losing respect for me..
Read my thread entitled "So you want a second chance?" In that guide I explain what you must do to get over someone and move on. Even if you never have a second chance you must let go of the ex before you can date anyone else.
You are being clingy/needy with him and that is unattractive to anyone, not just your ex. You need to be independent, have a life and not contact him anymore. Rebuild your confident and self-esteem. You're very young and attractive so you have a lot of time and a lot of things going for you. Forgive him, forget him and move on as best you can. He is not meeting any of your emotional needs so if you continue to cling to him the only person that is going to be hurt is you. You will NEVER heal as long as you cling to him.
The only real thing we had with eachother was love.. but he is so tainted he obviously doesnt really care, atleast not like i do. i feel as if i am being split in half. I know we must stay apart, I myself have told him many times. but i don't want to lose contact with him forever and just never speak again. the thought haunts me daily. I dream of him every night, that we are back together and happy (yea right).. and welll.. this whole thing is just starting to weigh me down. I've never had to deal with rejection to this extent before. I know I am a loser for harassing and loving an ***hole, but I also know I am not the only one. So thats my story Whats my problem?
Again, as long as you cling to hope with him you will never heal NOR will you be able to find anyone else.
Read my guide to second chances. It will show you how to heal and move on. | |
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| why do I (+ most women) love assholes??
Posted: 5/17/2006 5:16:48 PM | OP, some of the other folks ^^^ have hit on it, and they're right. Most women love jerks because jerks are seemingly immune to their beauty. The jerk instantly becomes a challenge. And most women love a challenge, right?
This fantasy soon becomes a nightmare (for some, quicker than others) when you realize that the jerk is just that -- a jerk. He wasn't playing games to get your interest. He really doesn't care about you, or can turn his emotions on or off like a lightswitch. Yet, you still want him, because you thought you got him somehow in the past. Guess again.
The jerk has been playing you all along and uses his overconfidence to create a need to be validated in you. The secret? You are worth more than any man. Don't depend on him or anyone else to validate you. Nothing you can do will convince the jerk or bad boy to treat you right.
Take time to heal and instead look for someone who doesn't mistreat you from square one.
Peace.
~Aurora | |
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| why do I (+ most women) love assholes??
Posted: 5/17/2006 6:38:24 PM | | I agree^^^^^^^^^^^This is why you see most women complain about jerks they will more than likely to chase them...Yes it is a cycle.....Personally after i find out she is in this cycle i have nothing to do with them...If your opinion is different and want to become the savior..Then go for it...In my experence most women that dig these types of guys love them to death...There is nothing you are going to change that...That is why most of the time they go from one jerk to another jerk...Most of the time it gets worse....So i rather not waste my time with these types...I got better things to do than play games. | |
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| why do I (+ most women) love assholes??
Posted: 5/17/2006 8:31:58 PM | | Probably cuz they turn on the charm and you fall for it. Only once you've slept together that you find out that their cham and sincerity is as fake as a $3 Note | |
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| why do I (+ most women) love assholes??
Posted: 5/17/2006 8:45:10 PM | some people will go through their entire lives without making a very bad relationship choice.
others will continue to make the bad choices over & over & over again,
nobody else forces them to be attracted to ***holes,
why do they always whine to everybody else about the ***holes they're attracted too? | |
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| why do I (+ most women) love assholes??
Posted: 5/17/2006 9:26:08 PM | ^^^ I think that's the most bizzare post I've ever seen
huh
oh, OP.. once you figure out what YOU want, you'll be able to figure out how to date someone like minded.
Give the boys a rest for a while and have a life that doesn't include bars for a month. You'd be amazed at how big the world actually is. Seriously.
-- I'm not sayin yer a bar fly etc, I'm just saying that Insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and hoping for a different result. It's YOU that needs to change yer habits.. it's the assholes that need to change theirs.
So do things you'd not nomally do. Read, go see plays, go to different restaurants with the gals.
You'll be surprised to find you have far more depth than you think you do, that life doesn't hinge around asshole or the Ex, and of course this will let your self respect grow and reject the assholes naturally. | |
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| why do I (+ most women) love assholes??
Posted: 5/17/2006 9:41:31 PM | Quote {most women are slightly submissive and masochist}
Maybe in your age group in your neck of the woods but I certainly don't know any submissive or masochist women. This is 2006.....not 1906. | |
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| why do I (+ most women) love assholes??
Posted: 5/17/2006 10:01:00 PM | You are 19 years old
Totally normal to feel this way at that age... Once you get older (aka >25 or so) you begin to realize that the challenge and the game becomes tiring and you focus your "challenges" elsewhere ( such as career, personal goals, etc.)
However , be careful with this. No wonder why there is so much abuse and violence towards women. Most of this CAN be prevented but changing the type of guys you date and decide to have relationships with. Unfortunately, lots of women (through lack of maturity ) have to learn the hard way...
Trust me , if a girl would treat me like crap , she would be gone within 24 hours. End of story.. | |
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| why do I (+ most women) love assholes??
Posted: 5/17/2006 11:47:28 PM | Women with trauma issues as children act out their broken template. It is only in understanding yourself what happened to you in your past and working on this BAD HABIT will you overcome the need to punish yourself. Years of self exploring and reading up on co-dependent behaviors did I understand myself.      | |
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exxess
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Joined: 1/31/2006
Msg: 15 | |
| You have an obsession with guys who are a challenge
Posted: 5/18/2006 12:48:23 AM | It pretty obvious that you are attracted to men who present themselves as a challenge because it keeps you on your toes and its exciting for you. In all honesty, if a good guy talked to you, in my oppinion you would turn him away because that guy would seem to easy hence no challenge. This sound screwed up but look into yourself and look into what you really need instead what you think you want because they are two different things.
I really hope that helps you. | |
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| why do I (+ most women) love assholes??
Posted: 5/18/2006 6:44:18 AM | | At 19 you are only beginning to fall in love with assh*les - there are going to be plenty more ahead of you - develop a thick skin now you will need it. | |
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| why do I (+ most women) love assholes??
Posted: 5/18/2006 7:55:36 AM | So why do girls like a$$holes? The debate of nice guys vs a$$holes is one of the oldest of relationships and seduction issues. The essence of being a "nice guy" however is widely misunderstood. It is believed, that being polite, considerate, friendly, tender, romantic etc is what being a "nice guy" is all about and thus should be avoided, as it is the "a$$hole", the rude, the inconsiderate, he impolite, the rough guy who always gets to shag the girl while the "nice guy" is waiting outside in the pouring rain with flowers in his hand... and waiting... and waiting...
It doesn't however mean, that women prefer rude over polite, inconsiderate over considerate etc. It all becomes clear when we look at a very important issue often overlooked when trying to define, what makes the "a$$holes" beat the "nice guys" when it comes to getting the girls. One reason is sexuality - the "a$$holes" are not afraid to show that they are sexual beings, while for the "nice guys" hiding their sexuality is part of their agenda of being friendly, polite and courteous towards women. Big mistake…
Women fall for **stards because they don't turn off the sexuality. "Nice guys” think women will be terrified of their sexuality, so they turn it off and all they get is women responding to their androgyny - sending all nice guys to Let’s Just Be Friends-land"
Confidence. Another reason why women prefer a$$holes to nice guys is because a$$holes, in all their smug superiority, display more confidence than nice guys, who actually worry about what impression they make. “Nice guys” appear weak/lack confidence when they place a woman on a pedestal, showering her with gifts and flowers, agreeing with every opinion she has, being submissive. Woman like men who have a spine! Who have the confidence to stand by their own opinions. | |
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| why do I (+ most women) love assholes??
Posted: 5/18/2006 9:55:37 AM | | ^^^i agree with oslo.... there must be other forces at work here, like maybe evil ones? I mean people meet and marry people in bars and restaurants or at their work, and over look the fact that they probably stepped on people at the job to get ahead, and yet when their marriage falls apart down the road, adding another single mom/dad to our already stressed society, I have to ask, why these people wont consider meeting a future mate in a church, where family and marriage is highly regarded? I mean my whole family if full of single parents, as far as i can see aunts, uncles, moms, dads, grandmothers, cousins, sisters, and none of them considering marrying someone at a church, Why? because it is UNCOOL. Evil forces blinding the hearts of our people is what it is, Ill tell you what! | |
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| why do I (+ most women) love assholes??
Posted: 5/18/2006 3:16:22 PM | One does not need to be an a$$hole to attract girls. It is a matter of blending the best attributes of both "nice guy" and "a$$hole", which few guys do - for two reasons I can think of:
1) The guy's definition of "nice guy" differs from the girl's definition of "nice guy". And don't ask a girl's definition of "nice guy", cause in all actuality, many girls don't know what attracts them to guys, at least not at a deep, subconcious level. Yeah, you will get the usual I want honesty, ambition, humor, blah blah. But what do they want? That leads me to point 2...
2) What are the attributes that girls find attractive. Two as I discussed earlier are overt sexuality. Don't repress it, express it.  The other is confidence. However there are many attributes which ALL girls find attractive at a deep, level. These attractions to certain attributes are hard wired into the brain. Now discovering what these attributes are is a different story.
Here is an interesting thread posted by a "niceguy" on here about why girls like jerks...
http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts2253522.aspx | |
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Mule
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Joined: 1/7/2005
Msg: 20 | |
| why do I (+ most women) love assholes??
Posted: 5/18/2006 3:23:11 PM | You'd get along great with my daughter.
She's the friggin' Sphincter Queen.
Got it from her mother, I'm sure.
(Me? I was just an aberration, an interruption of an otherwise graceful downward trajectory of self-absorption and cupidity) | |
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| why do I (+ most women) love assholes??
Posted: 5/24/2006 5:56:06 AM | | Thanks to everyone who offered their support and advice, it was comforting and I feel at ease now. also, jarbarian's post 'so you want a second chance?' helped a lot. you are all wise beyond your years. | |
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| why do I (+ most women) love assholes??
Posted: 5/24/2006 11:08:00 AM |
Thanks to everyone who offered their support and advice, it was comforting and I feel at ease now. also, jarbarian's post 'so you want a second chance?' helped a lot. you are all wise beyond your years.
Thanks. I can't stand Limp Bizkit but I will give Fred Durst for one very cognative quote:
"Life's a lesson, you learn it when you're through."
Amen. | |
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| why do I (+ most women) love assholes??
Posted: 5/24/2006 12:31:50 PM | I totally agree there dude...Im the nicest guy around. ***holes, stalkers, and murderers give me a bad name. Youve seen how ***holes are ladies. Jerks dont give a shit about anybody but themselves. Ive got a good sense of humour, im a sweetheart, and im good looking but that doesnt help any because woman wont go for that. They want guys who will take advantage of them. To me, that doesnt make any sense..Give me a chance..
The problem is, possibly you need to get out more because there are so many different unique types of people around that are just waiting to meet you. | |
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