| Was it loosing your s/o or the habit that was upsetting
Posted: 5/17/2006 11:21:23 PM | I walked into the bedroom one day to find my hubby packing a suitcase . . . He was about to leave me, and I was left in our family home with all the memories - I lost weight and didn't realise at the time that it was just the habit of the routine of my life that had been disturbed and that was what upset me.
Good, bad, or indifferent - it was my life and I'd suddenly lost control of it - and when he wanted to come back a couple of years later, I realised I didn't want him back, I had a new life in place and there was no room for him.
Anyone else, who's ex left them, discovered it was the habit and not the s/o they missed? | |
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| Was it loosing your s/o or the habit that was upsetting
Posted: 5/18/2006 4:39:32 AM | Yes. We weren't married, but I've been coming out of a 4 yr. relationship basically for the past year. (And yes, we were even engaged for a while.) He just didn't have time for me anymore and I finally gave up "trying".
Now I am looking to the future for myself and he wants to keep sniffing around. I DON'T THINK SO.
And yeah, I've found that it was more of a habit having him around then actually WANTING him around because of all our troubles. Now I don't even WANT him here. He threw ME away!! | |
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| Was it loosing your s/o or the habit that was upsetting
Posted: 5/18/2006 8:20:25 AM | | I missed having someone to mow the lawn. That big power mower was scary. Then I found some kid down the street that would come over and mow for me. So no. Don't need him. Don't want him. Good riddance. Freedom is a great thing and the next one won't walk all over mine. | |
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| Was it loosing your s/o or the habit that was upsetting
Posted: 5/18/2006 9:02:58 AM | This topic has a very good message to it.
My being alone in this house came right out of the blue (at 17 years) at one point early on she said “you are just use to me” - she was right I was use to her. I was use to her - I was use to this house - I was use to my dog - I was use to the sofa - I was use to the bedroom - I was use to my office my office equipment - I was use to everything about my environment at home.
She and her family (dad one daughter her husband my ex) came over in a HUGE truck - I stayed out in my office - when they left - I went into the house and it was almost totally EMPTY. The sofa and everything was gone. I found a little 10 inch TV and sat in an empty front room (they did leave my recliner she did not have room for it in her apartment).
Well after a few months (more like a year) I bought a few things and used my creativity to make several things and presto - this was MY HOUSE again. I made everyone come over and remove their crap. The ex came over to get a few more things and I had about 20 boxes of her chit to get out of here. With only spending about 1,000 bucks (and tons of creativity and hours of making things” I gave this place a real cool face lift - I changed every room. I did things like make cool planters out of very large culvert.
I even ripped out every wire - every computer - every TV and replaced all my office (home office)”stuff” (this was 13,000 bucks)
The “being use to her” and the being use to what was around me was replaced with MY STUFF and it fit me even better than our stuff.
My lingering problem came from the fact she STILL FIT - what I was looking for in a female. Even if I had not been married to her for all those years she STILL FITS “my type”
I kept viewing her as my ex wife for about a year - then for about another year I was viewing her as a potential girl friend. It did not help matters that she would come by every few months to “see the dog” and we would end up in bed.
Being use to someone that causes you to be use to your environment is bad enough - but when they remain YOUR TYPE it makes it tuffer to “move on”.
So finally after three years - she is no longer my wife - no longer a potential girl friend and I am in the early stages of killing off the friends part. The friends part is the hardest to justify killing off. It is against all logic to force yourself to kill off a 20 year friendship - but in my case it has to be done. Simply because she is still "my type" - she is a friend - I keep viewing her as girl friend material ......... ugg that don't work.
My suggestion is to - call everyone - exes - kids force them to come and remove their junk or toss it out - get rid of things that remind you of your life before (before right now) and make the place YOUR PLACE. | |
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| Was it loosing your s/o or the habit that was upsetting
Posted: 5/18/2006 9:32:22 AM | | Excellent advice Ron - took me years to find that out tho . . . We eventually sold our house and I moved into an absolutely fabulous wee apartment - I had the happiest time of my life in that apartment. Very basic and minimalist - but the freedom was all I needed to pump life back into my soul. | |
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| Was it loosing your s/o or the habit that was upsetting
Posted: 5/18/2006 9:37:56 AM | | By the time I had decided to "give up the ghost" so to speak...it was because I was afraid to lose the security of the familiarity! But I knew in my heart of hearts, that it was a move for my own safety and well being and that of my two children....Once I made the split and spent some time healing and adjusting, OMG....My only regret is that I did not do it sooner! A lot of us to not care for change...but sometimes, change can in fact be the best thing that ever happens to a person! Use me as an example! I now look so forward to going home at the end of my work day, being with my kids, having fun, laughing again...all is good! | |
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| Was it loosing your s/o or the habit that was upsetting
Posted: 5/18/2006 9:40:49 AM | Wow, great thread for this age group! I was in a three year long distance relationship after my divorce. Full of longing, angst, pain, unfulfilled promises. But I held on like a life raft. Took over a year to get over that break even though I KNEW it was more the fear of not having SOMEone, even the wrong someone, to feel emotional about. We didn’t even co-exist in the physical sense and I was terrified of losing that bond. Same with my Ex Husband. We slept in separate beds last few years of our marriage and even shared the house for almost five years after the divorce (no sex, no interest) because we didn’t want to shake our routine. He recently moved because he has a serious someone and I was devastated . . . for about two days, lol. Now I am finding out all kinds of things about myself. Yes, I can keep a house clean and yes if needed I can figure out how to use a cordless drill and YES, if I really try I can remember to change the cat litter. Daaaaaaang, I think I am growing up!
But I see whatcha mean. It is so easy to cling to the known. This is sad because it is precisely at this time in our lives when we should be fearless, plus we have more means to be so, right?
Rap
P.S. I am still terrified of change, have been since I was little. But I am trying to get better! Hearing these stories helps! | |
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| Was it loosing your s/o or the habit that was upsetting
Posted: 5/18/2006 10:17:38 AM | | In hindsight I realise that my ex was very mean and controlling - once I moved into my very own apartment and found the joy of freedom - all I could say was: "What was I thinken, what was thinken, all those years of misery, when the single uncomplicated life is soooooooooo wuuuuuuuunderful . . . " | |
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| Was it loosing your s/o or the habit that was upsetting
Posted: 5/18/2006 10:30:47 AM | | For me it was the fear of having to say I have failed. But now in hindsight I realize that it wasn't a failure at all. His purpose in my life had been served and it was time for both of us to move foward and apart. This is sad to admit but I don't even miss him anymore. | |
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| Was it loosing your s/o or the habit that was upsetting
Posted: 5/18/2006 10:47:14 AM | | For me it was habit. My family situation disintegrated and instead of four people in my house there is just my son and I. After 5 months on my own I have rediscovered my sense of humour and I want to socialize again because it feels like I'm not dragging dead weight around. We basically were going in opposite directions in life. I think I stayed because of my Catholic upbringing and she stayed for the security. My only regrets are that the divorce process can't move fast enough. I would like to date but most women say to contact them after everything is final. It is such a waste of good weather and the fun we could be having. I will have to weather the storm and just do things with my large Catholic family till then. | |
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| Was it loosing your s/o or the habit that was upsetting
Posted: 5/18/2006 11:10:48 AM | | Isn't it truly amazing what we find out about ourselves after we "give up the security blanket" or what we thought the security blanket was! Now, life is fun again and we are free to examine ourselves, our wants, our needs.....woohoo! | |
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| Was it loosing your s/o or the habit that was upsetting
Posted: 5/26/2006 10:41:14 PM | | Ok. I did not tell the truth, yeah, it bothered me. It was not just the yard work. 5 years gone that I thought were well spent. I hope the next one will be the last, as that is what I am looking for. | |
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| Was it loosing your s/o or the habit that was upsetting
Posted: 5/26/2006 11:18:58 PM | I was married to my first husband for 15 years when he up and decided that life was passing
him by and he wanted out of our marriage. Wow, that threw me for a loop, did not see that
coming. I knew something wasn't right, just vibes I was picking up. He had been doing a lot
of travelling and I kinda chalked things up to that awkwardness one gets when there are
long periods of separation, like when you haven't seen friends for a long time, you know
that feeling. But anyway, the marriage ended and it took me a really long time to heal, to move forward. I knew the exact moment when I realized everything was going to be ok. The
kids were gone, it was raining outside, that soft kinda rain thats so relaxing, anyway I was
reading a book and I stopped to rest my eyes, laid my book on my chest and just laid there
listening to the sound of the rain. I jolted upright, my book falling to the floor and shouted
to no one, " I am a free independant woman, yes , yes ,yes ". Thats a true story. I started
dating shortly after. The funny thing is, my husband who wanted someting more out of life,
now wanted me back. No way, I found what I had been missing. | |
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| Was it loosing your s/o or the habit that was upsetting
Posted: 5/27/2006 1:17:01 AM | | I think for me it was loosing the habit.... I lived with him for 5+ years and had taken care of him, his house, his children and even helped his folks out.... then HE decided he couldn't be what I wanted..... (meaning in a relationship with me).... he wanted me to still live there and take care of things.... he could date and, OH, so could I....... and I told him to kiss my , um yeah..... and I moved out...but I MISS the kids (he won't let me even see them now), the house , the neighborhood.... the routine...... now I live alone and miss everything but him..... | |
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| Was it loosing your s/o or the habit that was upsetting
Posted: 5/27/2006 6:29:29 AM | When I left my ex I took only MY things (MY books, childhood keepsakes, tools, equipment, etc.). Almost everything that we'd accumulated together was left behind. I started fresh, and made my new place the way I wanted it. It was a very good decision, and totally broke the habit of thinking in terms of my ex. Very liberating!
When my SO and I decided to live together, we combined our things and made something unique. After a couple of years, we had to move, and sold off virtually all of that, again keeping only the most precious and memorable items. We started off fresh once again, and did things in a totally different and rather minimalist style, using color and shape that expresses OUR taste and stage in life. | |
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| Was it loosing your s/o or the habit that was upsetting
Posted: 5/27/2006 12:47:39 PM | Oh yes Poly - yes.
I spent 17 years - hoping/dreaming about “our turn”. I help raise her two daughters (from 5&7 up) - thinking when they get raised. Then she started college - I started thinking “when she finished college” - WRONG - kids got raised - she got her college and I got ....
“I need to find out who I am” pOOf she was gone - right out of the blue.
NOW - it all makes sense - that was her plan all along and she pulled it off with prefection. A mom has to do what a mom has to do - I must say I have to admire her for being such a great mom and now a fantastic grandma. She is now 46 - buying a house and all set for the rest of her grandma/daughter/sister/corporate employee life. She removed wife from her “resume of life” and added CFO. | |
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| Was it loosing your s/o or the habit that was upsetting
Posted: 5/27/2006 12:53:07 PM | Well, when I finally woke up after a long slumber ( 17 years of marriage)  , I have to admit the first few months were tough. I had a lot to do, and had pretty much moved out with a few weeks of preparation. The delay was only caused by my inability to find an inexpensive and proper apartment. Once that was done, it took three days.
Luckily, I was also working a lot of overtime at that point ( to help cover the cost of transition) , and the volume of work and ensuing fatigue made things easier - in a rather strange way.
Within three months, most of the healing was done. I was already starting to date, and rediscovering myself daily. I became a much stronger person, and far more understanding of my needs and desires. I'd realized how little I'd settled for in the past, after dating a few women. Being with them, being appreciated by them, was a welcome change in my life.
Although I had retained limited contact with my ex, the time came when he actions finally provided me with a perfect reason to ask her never to contact me again. I'd been pushed far past the line in the sand I had drawn, and now had a much stronger and focused personality to deal with it. I am a man with incredible patience and understanding - but even I have my limits. She discovered that when I sent her that last e-mail on Easter Monday 2004.
She tried three times to e-mail me after that , and all were bounced and trashed without reading them - and then she was blocked. She created a new email address to get around that block, and got the same result with that.
Whatever she had to say, it no longer mattered anymore.
Even then about eighteen months later, she tried calling me. She was met with a polite but firm response from me, and the call lasted seventeen seconds. I'm pretty sure that "blew her mind" , but it had to be done. I'd taken back the control of my life that I had let slide, and found out how great that was.
Looking back now, the only regret is how long it took me to really see her as the person she was - and to see myself in the same way. It should have been done years earlier.
When I said "buh-bye" in that last call last year, it was psychologically like lifting a 1000 pound weight off my back. We are both free now to take our individual paths to our happiness, and to enjoy life again.
I have no malice towards her, and wish her nothing but happiness. In that regard, she's like any person I see as I walk down the street.
I'd say in the last ten tears ( at least) of our marriage I was just existing, and not living. Today, as a single man, I enjoy life much more passionately than I ever did back then. To be appreciated, and to be with an affectionate woman is a wonderful thing, and I had let myself become accustomed to far less than I ( or anyone else) deserved. | |
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| Was it loosing your s/o or the habit that was upsetting
Posted: 5/27/2006 1:01:43 PM | Add about 80% of what Montreal Guy just said to my last post.
But ............... I ............. duh .......... after sending her a “so long my friend” and assuming she understood - I fr**king picked up the phone when she called me two days ago.
Seventeen years was not enough to - get it thur my thick skull - I’ve let it go on for three years AFTER she dumped me right out of the blue.
Would someone just SHOOT ME ................. PLEASE  | |
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| Was it loosing your s/o or the habit that was upsetting
Posted: 5/27/2006 2:28:30 PM | As far as my marriage goes.....not worth discussing other than to say the dreams had long died by the time it did.
As to my last s/o....yeah losing him has been tough. He was my best friend as well as my lover, so it was mostly the shock of losing both at the same time that made it so difficult for me. I found it so gut-wrenching that the one person on earth I wanted to talk to about the pain and confusion, was the person that had caused it in the first place. It really has been a tough row to hoe but I'm getting there.
Was he a habit in my life....no, I don't think so.....he was my partner in life and we enjoyed every day together, right up until he didn't. Was I a habit in his life.....maybe.....
I try to find out what the lesson I'm being taught is and learn from it....this year's lesson has been.....I don't need but I do want.
Thanks Scotchlassie for posting a thread that has been quite insightful for me.....it really does help to know one is not alone in this world of ours.
Tig.... | |
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