| Would you forgive your EX when they've committed Adultry?
Posted: 5/21/2006 1:17:02 PM | Hello there,Yep that's my question. Looking for reasonable,judgemental feedback!
Let me first supply some background information. Unforseen by me, my marriage was dissolving and fadeing away. I took the vows with a woman who had been married four prior times. I suppose that Fact didn't enter my mind before saying "I Do". Anyway, my wife started jogging with a long time lady friend of hers. This was a one or two times a week thing for her. (A weight loss idea) Shortly after she started this arrangement,(maybe two weeks into), I phoned her friend looking for my wife, in order to let her know of my where-a-bouts. Her friend answered the phone and told me that they had NOT made any plans to run that day! (Of course, I questioned her later as to what happened). Answer was she had decided to run all alone. As time progressed on, her time gone each day was longer and longer! Then she mentioned that she was going to visit a old friend, who lives quite a distance away. (Of course, I was given a phone number as to where to call if the need be). Still sounded innocent enough for me. After her return home, she let on some talk about this man whom she had met. He was staying with her lady friend. Then came the overnight stays. Just to visit, go shopping with, catch up on old days, help out with,(You name IT)! Again, still innocent enough for me. Probably because I tended to enjoy my 'Free Time' at home! (Guys you know what I mean by that!). Then came the ALL Weekend stays! After a month, she packed up and moved in with this man! To draw this to a close; That encounter turned out Seriously BAD! I'm talking about cops, drugs, a hand gun, mental abuse and physical abuse as well. We kept in close contact throughout all that time. We worked at the same place, and she would call me in tears a lot. She had fallen for and in love with a **$#%%^*! I waited several months before I filed for divorce. You see, I still loved her and understood what had happened. Remember, I didn't see this coming! She got bored, he told her everything that she wanted to hear, and took her anywhere she wanted. (AT FIRST anyway). You know the sayin'....... Grass is always greener? Should I forgive? | |
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| Would you forgive your EX when they've committed Adultry?
Posted: 5/21/2006 1:39:42 PM | | well its not really for us to say, one thing I will say is, she was quick to go untill it got bad for her, if he turned out to be a decent man she would still be there, without a thought for you, ask yourself a question, after what is now five and could have been six times married, do you think she will stay loyal if you forgive her, bordem is no excuse, she could have said she was getting bored before she started to see someone else, I get the impression that she is now stuck and you will do until something better comes along, Love is a funny thing, once we have it it is so hard to let go, you decide, just to let you know it happened to me, I forgave her with regrets, so I am not the ideal person to give you advice. | |
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| Would you forgive your EX when they've committed Adultry?
Posted: 5/21/2006 7:46:52 PM | | Greydragon, I thank you very much for your words of experience! Believe it or not, they helped me out. True,her loyality SHOULD be questioned. She had told me there was a prior 'stepping -out' incident, with a previous husband. He drove semi, and was OTR quite a bit, and when he was home, she said that he didn't pay much attention to her. I didn't see the connection then,but of course do now! Plus being in wedlock as many times, as she had been. Should have sounded an "Thought" alarm, as to [Why is this so?] Must be a restless spirit. On this I do pity her, for she may never know 'Long Lasting Love' with just one man. Has anyone else suffered this pain, as I have? | |
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| Would you forgive your EX when they've committed Adultry?
Posted: 5/22/2006 9:04:36 AM | would I? I thought I forgave many times, only to find out after she had more affairs that if I had forgave the first one, I never would have brought it up again.
Answer is NO. As much as I care for the woman and love her to an extent, the trust needed for the true love I need will never be there again. NO NO NO! | |
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| Would you forgive your EX when they've committed Adultry?
Posted: 5/22/2006 5:46:56 PM | | Thanx fellas. Operation 'Ditch' was an interesting suggestion! I totally agree on the TRUST factor. I can no longer trust in her words to me. To this day, she can't understand this! I already told her she MUST earn back my trust, before we can even remain friends. By the way, there's no kids involved here. C~ya | |
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| Would you forgive your EX when they've committed Adultry?
Posted: 5/23/2006 6:28:00 PM | | Your ex can rot in hell for all I care and for all you should care. You should forgive for yourself, not for her. It is better for you that you forgive. Hate is emotionally expensive and she seems to cheap to waste it on. | |
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| Would you forgive your EX when they've committed Adultry?
Posted: 5/24/2006 2:39:40 AM | I'd say it would be healthy for you to forgive, but know that you can't just say I forgive you and move on. In that kind of situation, where your heart and trust were so blatantly violated, you need time to work to that point. The other thing, is that just because you forgive her, it doesn't mean you have to be friends. There is nothing wrong with keeping your guard up if thats what you have to do to not get lulled back into any deep feelings, or worse, another relationship with her.
You need to think of your last sentences there. If you didn't see this coming, what makes you think it won't happen again? Just because you understand, can you really expect yourself to understand if it happens again? Also, the grass may always be greener on the other side, but sometimes thats just on the surface, perhaps the better looking grass is itchy, or hypersensitive to allergies, then the first grass looks greener.
Find someone who thinks your grass is nice, and while the other side's may be greener, they know that it's not worth giving up the privalege of laying on your grass. (That was weak I know, but it felt clever in my head.)
m. | |
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| Would you forgive your EX when they've committed Adultry?
Posted: 5/24/2006 6:34:16 PM | Thanks mchat2k6! Your words were most excellent! Spoken like a scholar. There's plenty of truth to be found.  Boy! This is turnin' out to be better than a trip to a theripist! Thanx again fellas. I'll be Back......................... | |
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choey
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Joined: 3/14/2006
Msg: 11 | |
| Would you forgive your EX when they've committed Adultry?
Posted: 5/26/2006 8:22:26 PM | i think you can forgive anyone for their trespasses against you...
moving on is sometimes difficult, and i know this.
i would NOT trust the person ever again! forgiving them would never mean we'd get back together, because that would be impossible...
i think that, if a person is cheating, and makes PLANS to do so, it's not like it was spontaneous or a one-time thing, etc. and there is no reason to trust them again, ever.
take care of YOU! i hope things work out well in your life!
~~carolynn | |
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| Would you forgive your EX when they've committed Adultry?
Posted: 5/26/2006 9:56:57 PM | I thank you for your kind words Carolynn! Tis tough to move on, but I'm very determined to do so. I must! Are there any other women who have words of advice? Hearing from both sexes, gives me more of a balanced out thought process.  | |
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| Would you forgive your EX when they've committed Adultry?
Posted: 5/27/2006 1:21:34 AM | well from someone who was cheated on by thier girlfriend with 5 yes 5 other guys. it took awhile for me to forgive but i wil never ever forget what she did. i dont wish anything bad towards her but there is no way in hell am i going to be with her now. forgive but dont EVER forget. | |
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| Would you forgive your EX when they've committed Adultry?
Posted: 6/11/2006 8:29:29 PM | No I wouldn't and I didn't, my ex cheated and the minute I found out he was out of my house. He knew from day one of meeting me that there was one thing unforgivable to me and that was it, he tested me on that one and threw away a 7 year marriage, his family everything.
I am sorry to hear about what your wife did. I am usually a forgiving person except in that area. It has been less that a year since our divorce and he is remarried already with a baby on the way, I wish them luck but know that it will probably be shorter than my marriage was to him becasue he has already tried to cheat on the new wife with a mutual friend who has enough sense to tell him to get lost. | |
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| Would you forgive your EX when they've committed Adultry?
Posted: 7/6/2006 11:53:39 AM | | You don't have to forgive in order not to hate, you are right about hatred, it is like taking rat poison and waiting for the other person to die. I don't think I had the emotions to forgive nor the desire after mine did it, I just got the hell away from him. | |
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| Would you forgive your EX when they've committed Adultry?
Posted: 7/6/2006 4:14:34 PM | | once a cheat, always a cheat. now, with that said, i've been through a very similiar situation, and i'll tell you, if you don't have trust, you have nothing. even if you do forgive her, as i did my wife, she's probably gonna do it again, only because if the opportunity comes up, she knows you'll forgive her again. love sucks, it really does blind you, no matter what she does, there'll always be fair reasoning in your head as to why she does those things, and in some wierd way, that makes it ok. but it really doesn't. you need to look deep inside yourself, and do what is going to make you happy in the long run. but i'll tell you, it's a tough road to take as long as you still love her. so be ready...D | |
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| Would you forgive your EX when they've committed Adultry?
Posted: 7/6/2006 8:12:52 PM | | Sometimes.....we put up with less than honorable behavior because we subconsciously believe that we ar truly "not worthy" ourselves. When you wake up one morning and realize that you are being treated like garbage and trash, you will suddenly have an overwhelming sense of anger and dispair. It hurts to cut loose the one you love.......but it will hurt much more to accept her back into your life! Grab a copy of "The Rest of your Life is the Best of Your Life" by David Brown. It's short, insightful, and lays it out. No rocket science here.....just some random thoughts......All the Best. Vince | |
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| Would you forgive your EX when they've committed Adultry?
Posted: 7/6/2006 8:35:05 PM | | yea i know all about it every time i said i forgive you. three times for me! once a cheater all ways a cheater there is the way we want things to be then there is the way things are. you nead to remember this or end up like me 48 years old and alone. i wasted my life on a dream. oh yea and then she will say i am so sorry i did this to you and here is the best part you want to beleave it so bad you will. and - well you will see. or be smart and walk away oh it will tear you apart but do you want to do this over and over again. i know i sound so cold but dont be a fool like me! | |
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| Would you forgive your EX when they've committed Adultry?
Posted: 7/6/2006 9:25:30 PM | Similar enough thing happened with me and my ex-wife.
I went out of town for three weeks before we were married. During that time, she cheated on me with the father of her first daughter. I didn't learn of it until two years later, shortly before Valentine's Day, when I found out she'd also cheated on me more recently with a sex offender. I took her back, even so. In all this time, she'd break up with me about three months of being back together, get together with someone else, then break up with them about three months later and come back to me. The last time she cheated on me, she left me for a DIFFERENT sex offender. The reason I kept going back to her is that I kept trying to analyze what it was that *I* was doing wrong, and the simple truth was that I wasn't doing anything wrong. I was a good husband.
To make a long story short, she didn't learn her lesson. She never apologized, and she never stopped. I don't know - I can't say that all women are faithless, nor can I say that someone who cheats once will or will not cheat again. It really depends on the circumstances. The best thing I can recommend, from my experience, is to pick up the pieces of your heart and do your best to move on.
The bible says that the only reason to "put your wife away" is for adultery - if you don't find the answer you're looking for here, that's certainly the best place to look for wisdom. Best of luck, man. :) | |
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| Would you forgive your EX when they've committed Adultry?
Posted: 7/6/2006 11:18:38 PM | | i know i'm not hte one who started this post, but i just wanna thank everyone for contributing. i'm junst going throught this (for the third time) and finally getting a divorce. i't a tremendous moral booster! i've got plenty of friends, but to hear from people who have actually been there, it really helps. it's good to know that i'm not the only one it's ever happened to. thank you. | |
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