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| when does the pain end......
Posted: 5/25/2006 4:03:07 PM | Long story short, was married for 5 years, had 2 children together. She suffered post-partum after the second child, and decided to treat it with alcohol. It got to the point where she was walking out the door, dressed to a "T" as I was coming home from work, and stumbling in as I was leaving for work the next morning.
After 2 months of this, I put her and the children on a bus and sent them to live with her parents. I couldn't deal with it anymore, and she wasn't being receptive. She finally admitted to cheating on me 4 months later, but swore that she wanted the marriage to work, and wanted to get things straight with me. I opened myself up to getting hurt again, which she recently did by telling me that she was no longer attracted to me, and wanted to move on with her life.
I never hit her, never raised my voice at her, didn't, and still don't drink (except when i'm using the bbq), didn't gamble, and never, NEVER, placed myself in a situation where I would even be tempted to cheat on her. I worked, I came home. I loved my life, and loved being a father and husband.
I've had very bad thoughts lately, I've never in my life considered ending it all until recently, and that's almost an every night thing now. I'm moving back home to be near my family, hoping that will help, with some professional help too. Talking to some people on this site has helped some too.
It's been over a year now since I put her on that bus, I miss my kids like crazy, I miss my wife like crazy, and it HURTS knowing that it's all over, and that there's nothing that I can do about it. Over a year.....how much longer will I feel like this..... | |
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Kayza
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Joined: 5/23/2006
Msg: 2 | |
| when does the pain end......
Posted: 5/25/2006 4:07:08 PM | well.. I have never been married.. my I am dating a guy who I feel still loves his ex wife after 11 years of marriage.. I dont think it ever goes away. just the pain lessens and u begin to deal with the pain.. take it day by day and I am sure u wont feel so hurt..
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| when does the pain end......
Posted: 5/25/2006 4:11:12 PM | Hi!
I was with my partner for 6years, we had our ups and downs, he had kids/I had kids, I didn't know we had any major problems till he came home one day and told me he didn't love me anymore and it was over!!!
Tried talking, tried being reasonable, tried everything I could think of but he still left couple months later....I was determined to cope....put on a brave face but fell apart in private...I thought about ending it, but then I thought how my daughter would feel, thinking she wasn't enough to make me stay around/keep on living...all that was 4/5years ago and I still get down days/still miss him sometimes....but life is precious, the pain eases and you have to hang on to the hope that there is something/someone better/different out there for you.
Take care | |
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| when does the pain end......
Posted: 5/25/2006 4:28:19 PM | I trusted this woman, loved this woman, and gave everything I had into our relationship...I've been afraid of dating or even talking to anyone since, because I feel that I no longer have anything to give, and know that I can't take anymore hurt in....
I appreciate the comments, at least I know there are others out there who know people or have been in the same kind of situation and made it through. Thank you..... | |
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| when does the pain end......
Posted: 5/25/2006 5:18:20 PM | | I cannot even imagine the hurt you must feel. But if it's any solice to you I'd like to say that from what I've read you seem to be the type of guy that many women hope to find. Of course you must deal with the issue at hand, and it's great that you recognize that and are getting help. The healing process is different for each, though in time you will find yourself ready to go out there and find a woman who will appreciate and love you. | |
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| when does the pain end......
Posted: 5/25/2006 5:19:12 PM | | i was in like that for 5 yrs as well the pain goes away slowly best thing u can do is find something to focus ur mind on other than her, are u allowed to see ur kids? have u sued for custody? sure in her mental state u mayt have an edge on gettin em,that would at least help u out that way, iiits gonna b tuff to trust a woman again after that s it took me yrs to finally stop seeing em as predators and manipulators ,just dont jump into another relationship to fast ,may seem like a good idea but in the end youll destroy it even if u dont notice u have these feelings of mistrust they are there and thye will surface again as soon as u feel u have let someone else in,take ur time n restore an old car or something lol that helped me alot or learn to do a hobby u nvr thought u could do | |
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| when does the pain end......
Posted: 5/25/2006 5:24:39 PM | I have not sued for custody yet.....my mind is not in any kind of condition to take on a 4 year old and 1 year old. They are surrounded by family and love where they are at. Once I get my head back on straight, if she has not stopped her dangerous lifestyle, then I will sue, but I need to fix myself first.
thanks for the help all.... | |
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| when does the pain end......
Posted: 5/25/2006 5:34:13 PM | | well the courts will look more kindly on u if u do it fast , sure they are surrounded now but when shes off dating later down the rod at least u will know your kids are with u and not out there in the world with her, myself id jump on that boat right from the start, it was her emotions that took her from u not yours,why should u b the one losing everything in the end,your the one that tried to keep things together u are the one that supported and stayed loving towards your family, why should u get the shitty end of the stick and not only lose a wife but the kids as well,after she has em settled and dug in where she is now no judge on earth would give u custody, and in her mental state do u really think she could give em a better upbringing? | |
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| when does the pain end......
Posted: 5/25/2006 5:42:23 PM | true to your name, you are a trouble maker. it is a battle I have fought with myself for a while now. truth is, I think it is just the fear of causing more chaos in their young lives. You're right though, I planned on doing it later on, and there's no question that i'm the more responsible one right now, so I might as well start getting things set up for them. Moving back to my hometown where I have family to help will probably make the case a little easier too...
if anything, having them with me will quickly put an end to that whole "end it all" thought...and I will know that they are safe... | |
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| when does the pain end......
Posted: 5/25/2006 5:45:14 PM | It seems that you put everything you are on this commitment, something commendable, and perhaps never consider that there will be a need of placing any attention in anything else.
If that is the case, considering things the way they are now, I believe you need to consider the possibility to take SOME of that attention out of it, and place it on yourself, you are a human being, you are a valuable human being, and as such you have your rights like everyone else does, such as the right to live, and by placing some attention on yourself you'll be able to find things that interest you, and give you a reason to wake up every morning.
Sometimes things don't go the way we plan, this is not a perfect world, regardless of what we were told as kids.
I believe -for what you wrote- that you are a fine human being, I'm sure that there are many people who would like to have you around.
And I believe that what happened to you was an unfortunate disgrace, rather than a premeditated plan to hurt you.
I believe that you need to make peace within yourself right now, and try to get the needed support from friends you may have, that’s what friends are for, so don't isolate yourself.
And remember that after EVERY storm, the sun comes out.
Good luck to you my friend. | |
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| when does the pain end......
Posted: 5/25/2006 6:01:31 PM | well it in ur best interests nico, like i said when them kids are all settled in schools with her and she has em signed up for swimmin lessons etc there will b no way in hell youll get em, ive seen it b4 with some buddies of mine n they just keep saying if only id jumped on it sooner rther than later, they coulda got custody. you have lost a family already , if u get ur kids back then youll have at least only lost an unfaithful wife and that is something alot easier to give up than your flesh n blood children, u did nothing wrong , why should u suffer for the next 18 yrs while she who has her freedom can go after u for support n go out dating n etc and u sit home wishing u had what u had to begin with, cut ur losses n get what u deserve, u seem like a decent guy and u at least show the ability to b responsible for your life and your childrens lives s well, the only chaos these kids will habve is later on when shes dating god knows who and theyre callin him a step dad .an ounce of prevention saves u a lifetime of agony.you arent doing it out of hatred or negativity your doin it out of love and how can that create chaos?
best of luck to you and i hope u get ur kids and replace what u lost with a great woman when u are ready to take that step
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| when does the pain end......
Posted: 5/25/2006 6:16:04 PM | Sorry Trubbl, but he will not get custody,period. Unless he has about a quarter mill to spend, he is the father, he has no rights, the longer he waits to go to court for access, the worse it will be for him, and the children. Judges don't care about fathers, no matter what kind of a screw-up she is, accept this, it is truth  and it pisses me off, as it should everybody else too. | |
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| when does the pain end......
Posted: 5/25/2006 6:20:48 PM | Ud know as a man I have never become pregnant, carried a baby to term or be charged with feeding an infant with my breast. You mean to tell the board that you have come out swinging ever since she decided to get her physical needs met elsewhere and you havent stopped swinging yet? My opinion may not have popular sway, but perhaps marriage counselling and reconcilaition might be worthy of your time for consideration. Lifes a long haul, Im 37, I can only imagine the type of pain you are left to assauge on your own. Are you sure you cant make an effort to salvage the relationship? You dont need to answer me or POF on that, just your self, your ex and your children. Are you ready to play the role of embittered man the rest of your life? Have you not a forgiving bone in your entire body?
Have you thought about the type of image your childern might have of what a loving Father truly is?
Dont mean to sound trite, but I hope your situaiton works out well for all. We kinda enjoy fairy tale and happy endings but the unfortunate down side is the ultimate clash with a sad reality for many people. | |
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| when does the pain end......
Posted: 5/25/2006 6:24:03 PM | seems like it's time to start a new thread, "how do I get my kids back, and where are the best lawyers...."
all in all, trouble has given me something to focus on, other than my own pain....thank you... | |
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| when does the pain end......
Posted: 5/25/2006 6:29:38 PM | | You don't really forget the pain, but you learn to live with it. Your kids will always be a part of you and maybe when they get older, they will find you and everything will be ok. | |
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| when does the pain end......
Posted: 5/25/2006 6:35:28 PM | | I haven't swung once. I, to this day, have remained faithful to her, though I know that it is over and beyond saving. Not my choice, hers. She admitted to having an affair, and while it hurt, I knew that it was something that in time i could look past. To this day, I still have not raised my voice to her, or de-meaned her, except to post here that she was unfaithful. And this, I swear, is merely an act of desperation, hoping to find some kind of answer to when the pain will end. I think I understand now that the pain will never truly go away, I will just learn to deal with it, in time. I just don't see myself chasing something that doesn't want me to catch it anymore... | |
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| when does the pain end......
Posted: 5/25/2006 6:37:38 PM | I don't believe the women always get to keep the kids...I have friends that have gotten custody...almost full!!!
But you want to be healthy to raise them too, with the pain and thoughts like you mentioned...be careful and treat yourself as well as you do those children! Best of luck!!  | |
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| when does the pain end......
Posted: 5/25/2006 6:40:22 PM | | Full custody is what I am talking about, and sorry, but your wrong stang, men lose, period. | |
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| when does the pain end......
Posted: 5/25/2006 6:41:57 PM | | Not always TRUTH....I have friends that have won custody...so I can't believe that! Not all men end up losing..it's the good ones that can end up on top!!! | |
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| when does the pain end......
Posted: 5/25/2006 6:46:19 PM | | i know a few guys that got full custody, lotsa them women arent fit to b in public nvr mind to bring up kids and with the family support nico has i think hes got a better chance then most and surely he would b the better parent , he hasnt said 1 bad thing about her which is odd cause if it was me id have lots to say so go get em nico u deserve to b happy and the kids need to b with the parent who is the best role model for them, u have nothing to lose anymore just alot more to gain and truth stop being so negative | |
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| when does the pain end......
Posted: 5/25/2006 6:50:32 PM |
seems like it's time to start a new thread, "how do I get my kids back, and where are the best lawyers...."
all in all, trouble has given me something to focus on, other than my own pain....thank you...
Good! Go for it, unfortunately I have no info regarding that matter, but there are lots of people who does, Trouble may be one of them.
Good luck to you and wish the best to you and your kids! | |
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| when does the pain end......
Posted: 5/25/2006 6:53:45 PM | I know exactly how you feel. My husband left me after 29 years of marriage, it was 6 months ago and for about 4 years before that our marriage was falling apart. I don't
want to get into reasons now, it's too long and too private but it still hurts badly.
This pain can be unbearable, I cried daily, felt empty and my life seemed meaningless.
I too was thinking about ending it sometimes but decided that life is too precious.
It will get better for you and when you feel stronger emotionally, get your kids back.
They deserve better than being with mother who drinks, you sound like you were a good father and you can have your kids back. It will be purpose in your life. Good luck! | |
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| when does the pain end......
Posted: 5/25/2006 6:59:09 PM | | I have been active in Father's groups for years, both here in B.C.,and throughout Canada, I've seen it, been there, done that, and have already sent nico some site info...... | |
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| when does the pain end......
Posted: 5/25/2006 7:43:52 PM | raspberries n cream,
you mention a few very valid points: reconciliation, and forgiveness.
they have nothing, however to do with my man pain getting back together with his wife; even for the sake of the children. guarantied!!!!!
forgiveness is letting go of what the other person has done to you, and what ever the reason(s) may be. letting go of any rights you may think u have at getting back for any pain they have caused you. this allows you (key) to let go of the bitterness, pain, the darkness, so you have a chance to heal, to recover. its like a poisonous snack bite. you can go after the snake and rip it to screeds, but if you don't deal with the bite and the poison your getting sick and probably going to die. for get going after the snake, get ride of the poison and treat the injury of the bite. then it will heal and be healthy again.
reconciliation has to do with the place your heart is, and how you respond (to your ex). if you are forgiving, you will be able to respond to her out of a healthy place and not one of pain and bitterness. you will be able to be yourself, healthy, strong, better than you were before all this crap happened. reconcile is to restore harmony within yourself first. then if the other person is able to do the same, and you both choose to get back together, then that is a different story.
let go of the pain, and darkness you feel, forgive.
reconcile, restore harmony, health in you first.
the children didn't ask for this hell. however as our man pain gets healthier, he will be in a much better place to love and nurture his children. the best place for his children now could be with him, amoung his family and friends. a place they all can heal, and get better together. that should be his primary focus
i came home 1 night after work to an empty house. months later the truth came out, my children returned home; we spent the next months and years working through all the pain,a nd healing by doing healthy things for each, and with the support and love of family and friends. there are also many community programs there to fit many of the needs our man pain and his children would have.
i worked as a heavy truck tech 50+ hours week 5-6 days a week, and took care of my 3 yr old daughter, and my 5 yr old son in the mist of all this hell. now they are 6 and 8 and we have gotten more healthy than when all the crap began.
there are ways to work out what you need and what is best for you and children. the support never ends. just look at all the support out here. plus family, plus friends, plus community supports................................
our man pain needs to get his children, move back to his home town, and get to it.......he will never regret it , never. what he might regret is not trying
more and more the courts are giving custody to fathers because they realise that is truly best for the children. i have met a lawyer(s) who deals mostly (85%) with dads wanting custody of their children, and winning. lets face it fellas, as dads we love our children just as much as any good mother, or for that matter good PARENT. if the the children are best with their dad, more and more courts all over are realising this and making it happen. if not the courts then believe in your own miracle for your children's sake and it will happen. | |
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| when does the pain end......
Posted: 5/25/2006 7:49:13 PM | let her go.
you are drowning with her. let her go. she is an adult and must face her choices.
you hav eto start thinking about getting you and your children well.
the pain will go away, if you properly address it.
then when you think of her you will not be overcome by pain any longer. don't give into it, let it go along with her.
it will take courage and time with the proper steps/medicine you will heal. | |
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