| Is it just me...or was that ignorant?
Posted: 5/26/2006 8:35:40 PM | So I dated this guy for awhile...off and on for a year. Got along great...but never got too serious as he had a lot going on his life. We had a great relationship in that we could talk openly about anything, a strong physical and mental attraction....chemistry ..you name it. Due to some issues with him fighting for more time with his son etc...I decided to just let him have his space...never pushed too much, and always told him, that no matter what happened between him and me...we could always be friends etc. As time went on though...I could feel myself getting more and more attached to him. I was good if he wanted to just be friends...but was deep down hoping for more. So I opened up to him..told him how I felt. He admitted that he wasnt quite ready to go any further then what we had, just yet...but he really liked me...enjoyed my company etc...
I explained to him that I can't just be casual with someone...just not my nature and that we should in fact just stick with a friendship. He agreed. This lasted for about a month. He then started wanting to go out again, and do things together...so I went along with it for a few more dates to see where his head was at etc. Didn't take long though, before I came out with the conversation again, as his actions, his words, the way he looked at me; all told me that he genuinely cared for me, yet in the back of my mind, I knew that I couldn't keep going if his heart wasnt in it. When we talked about it...I got the same lines as before...thus I decided to end it once and for all. He clearly wasnt ready to go beyond what we had.
I was a little hurt...but heck..I'm old...I got over it quick. No biggie...not everyone is going to be what/who you want them to be...is right for you etc...and what we want and what is meant to be, aren't always the same thing.
This was about a month ago. We have talked on the phone here and there since. Just to keep in touch, as we do have a mutual respect for each other and both were there for/ supportive for each other over the past years trials and tribulations. I was good to go...even went out on a couple dates with a new potential etc. I was careful not to mention this to him though, as I did not want to hurt his feelings, and felt that while we were in friend mode now...not really appropriate to start talking about who we are now dating...a few months from now maybe...but not yet.
Then, the other night he called me. Small talked for abit....then ticked me righhhht off..lol! Bearing in mind, before I go on to tell you what irked me...that I had only a few weeks earlier, poured out my feelings to him about how I felt, and bearing in mind, that it was me who ultimately decided that we had should end...(for my sanity...lol)...annnnd bearing in mind, that he had been very empathetic and understanding of my feelings.
So...while talking...he just comes right out and says to me...that a buddy at work...set him up with some girl that had liked him for quite some time...and that they had gone out on a few dates. He went onnn to tell me that she seemed really nice and was probably going to go out with her again. ( After telling me a month previous...he did not want anyone in his life etc). Why did this irk me??....Not because he is seeing someone...not because he was obviously feeding me lines of crap...lol....but out of the sheer disrespect. I could understand if I was still making him feel I "liked" him...but I hadnt...I completely backed away. I could understand...if he was the one that had wanted more with us....and I ended it.
I cannnnnot comprehend why on earth the man would be so ignorant as to tell me that after all we went through together and him knowing how I had felt about him! All I could think was "You b#%sta*d! How rude and disrespectful can you be? We agree to be friends...go about that way for a month..all is good ..then you make a point of telling me about some new girl after telling me you didn't want anyone???" I thought..."What are you trying to brag or something?...did it kill you that I was the one that ended it...so you had to try and find a way to get back at me?"
So, anyway...lol.. here I am folks...wondering what your takes are on this...prepared for all that you throw at me...hehe...and mostly just to vent and get this off my chest! Would love to hear others takes on this though...am I just over- reacting?...or do I have a right to be pissed off?
Peace all!  | |
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| Is it just me...or was that ignorant?
Posted: 5/26/2006 9:22:50 PM | Hi, Onehellufawoman,
It's not a matter of having a right to be pissed off or not. If you are, you are; no need to apologize for it, but it's best not to dwell on it. It doesn't mean that he was being disrespectful on purpose, either. He could actually have moved more quickly and comfortably into the friend zone than you have, and didn't realize it would hurt you to hear about this other woman.
I'd give him the benefit of the doubt about why he told you. He sounds like a good guy who wants to have you as a friend (some people will go berserk at this - no such thing as men and women just being friends, blah, blah, blah - but I know for a fact that's not true for everybody). But that also means you can also tell him that you were a little hurt. A good friend will understand, and be a more considerate about what he shares with you until you've moved on a little more.
Good luck. | |
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| Is it just me...or was that ignorant?
Posted: 5/26/2006 9:30:02 PM | You said you had totally backed away so he probly figured you were in total friends mode and guys just don't think that way. If they're in friends mode with you yer gonna hear all the details you dont wanna know. Friends mode is a sucky place to be unless its really all you want.
And honey, most gals have been there...nothing new...the part about him telling you a month ago he wasnt looking for anyone....all it ever means is that they still havent found what theyre looking for. But a lot can chage in a month.
So is it ignorant what he did? Hmmm, well if by ignorant you mean careless....perhaps. Either way, let it go....  | |
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| Is it just me...or was that ignorant?
Posted: 5/26/2006 9:35:37 PM | | Thanks Dawn and Smiles...you're both right...I don't really care about him seeing someone etc...but it did rub me the wrong way. It was careless on his part ...but Dawn...you're right...I should just make him aware of how he made me feel and be done with it...and Smiles ..I'm smiling...and moving on for sure. Like I said...this was more just to vent out my frustration. | |
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| Is it just me...or was that ignorant?
Posted: 5/26/2006 9:39:22 PM | I explained to him that I can't just be casual with someone...just not my nature and that we should in fact just stick with a friendship. He agreed.
OP....he sounds like he just wants "casual", and you have told him that you can't do that with him. I think you were smart to tell him...you know what you are comfortable with. I think it takes a bit of time to get comfortable with a switch from romantic to being just friends, and it sounds like you are not quite there yet. It's hard, I know from my own experience. I have had a man do something similar, and he went on to find someone who WAS comfortable with casual....
I don't know what his intent was, when he decided to share that bit of info about "new girl" with you, but he may not have meant to be insensitive. If it makes you feel any better..it stung when it happened to me too, but life goes on. There is always the possibility that he just didn't have the nerve to come out with it, that he just didn't feel what you felt....you could analyze it till doomsday, and still not come up with an answer. I have never understood why some people sugarcoat things...most of us are not gonna crumble if someone tells us we are just not "it" for them. Time will tell if he is really a friend. Good luck | |
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| Is it just me...or was that ignorant?
Posted: 5/27/2006 3:30:37 AM | You don't need a "right" to feel as you will----"logic" never overpowers emotion so don't sweat your internal reaction---you're just human!!
It sounds to me like he's behaving as a friend would---sharing experiences and happenings with one another for a variety of reasons. That he told you about his recent date just follows that. You chose to not discuss you dating for your own reasons---all understandable. I doubt very, very seriously he was trying to disrespect or be rude to you.
As to why you're stressing a bit about this it could be just a minor hint of jealousy or hurt feelings because he's somewhat moved on from being involved with you on your desired level. If that's even partially true it's also understandable but you admit you decided to move on yourself because he couldn't or wouldn't return your same feelings. That being said it still has to hurt just a bit knowing what your heart wants will never be---again, "logic" cannot overpower emotion.
If this sort of thing is going to be an ongoing source of aggravation for you maybe it's time to reduce your amount of close contact with him? Perhaps for a brief time or longer depending on your state of mind about it all. In a gentle way you are over reacting a bit but that's just human and "normal"!! Wish him the best and reserve that for yourself as well!! | |
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| Is it just me...or was that ignorant?
Posted: 5/27/2006 9:52:13 AM | | Sorry, but he just didn't have the same type of feelings that you had for him. As friends, he felt he could tell you about a female that he does have those feelings for. | |
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| Is it just me...or was that ignorant?
Posted: 5/27/2006 11:09:10 AM | The majority of guys on this site and the paid sites are JUST LIKE THIS...they want a casual, sexual relationship until someone else comes along..then they want a HAREM..and you HAVE to accept the fact that other women are in the picture..accept it and everything will be fine..but if you squawk about it..they dump you fast and furious.
This means..he is making up the rules in the beginning...tell you all the sweet things you want him to say to have sex with you and then....he is online with ALL personals setting up some fresh action..his friends are not setting him up....he is on ALL the personals he can get on..emailing/calling/meeting other women behind your back..and when he has hooked up another woman ..likes her.....had sex with her and it was DYNOMITE...he is telling you that he thinks it's time you knew about her..and you just have to accept the fact that you have to SHARE him or say Bah Bye..
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| Is it just me...or was that ignorant?
Posted: 5/27/2006 11:09:43 AM | | Galfriend you had the right to be pissed of,some men are just morons and the word respect does not apply anywhere in their lives.In this era of AIDS and all that.....you got be careful and avoid one nightstands.Maybe he has never been dumped before and you might have made him realise he aint a hotcake......am sure he felt it and had to find a way to get back at you. | |
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| Is it just me...or was that ignorant?
Posted: 5/27/2006 11:12:50 AM | GORGIE: What stung you today? I want to avoid that bug!!
ONEHELL: You kept mentioning how you ended it, and said you wanted to be friends...maybe you weren't quite over him then if that bothered you. You will be able to accept that kind of talk much better once you are completely over him. But I do understand the bitter taste left after he said he wasn't ready...but maybe things changed for him in the meantime, or he found someone he just didn't want to take the chance of losing out on. You'll be fine, and best of luck to you!
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| Is it just me...or was that ignorant?
Posted: 5/27/2006 11:33:47 AM | | I dunno Helluva, would it have made you feel any better for him not to have told you for a few months ("not really appropriate to start talking about who we are now dating...a few months from now maybe...but not yet.") -- and then tell he's been dating her for months? | |
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| Is it just me...or was that ignorant?
Posted: 5/27/2006 11:35:40 AM | | Yeah Scientist, I was reading Gorgie's thread, and thought about replying, but y'know, just not worth my time (her, or the thread). | |
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| Is it just me...or was that ignorant?
Posted: 5/27/2006 11:45:15 AM | | Sounds to me like you pretended very well. Meaning that once the friendship thing was decided you hid how you truly felt very well and then ended up transferring your feelings onto him. He stated very clearly that he wanted only casual, you are the one who wanted more, once you turned it into friendship and went into that mode he just plain and simply thought you were over him. It sucks to have to be in that position but unfortunately it is no ones fault at all. Chances are he was completely unaware, (or in denial) that you still thought that way about him after you were "friends" for a month and didn't fall back into any old routines with him. You have a right to be hurt that the feelings weren't mutual but lost the right to be mad the day you decided to continue to have contact with him and just be friends. I almost get the impression that you felt if you gave him enough time that there was a glimmer of hope that he might come around (maybe your true reasons for keeping your own dates under wraps?) But that is just an impression I am getting not an assumption I promise. Being relegated to friends is never a pleasant situation when you feel more for that person but it is you and only you who can make the decision about what you do about it after. | |
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| Is it just me...or was that ignorant?
Posted: 5/27/2006 12:04:28 PM | I was good if he wanted to just be friends...but was deep down hoping for more. So I opened up to him..told him how I felt. He admitted that he wasnt quite ready to go any further then what we had, just yet...but he really liked me...enjoyed my company etc..
ok..so you BOTH agree that it was friends only!!
Then you go on about..just sticking with a friendship!!
Didn't take long though, before I came out with the conversation again, as his actions, his words, the way he looked at me; all told me that he genuinely cared for me, yet in the back of my mind, I knew that I couldn't keep going if his heart wasnt in it.
all his ACTIONS told you??...but did HE actually tell you?? probubly not huh.." to assume only makes an ASS out of U and ME"..( great quote)
so again..you decide to end it all with him, and you got over it quick!!...good for you girl!!
you went out on a couple dates with people!! no biggie..right?..You didnt tell him. for what ever reason!
but then!!.......you get pissed..cause this guy you are over..this guy who you just wanted to maintain a friendship with...WENT OUT ON A DATE!!...EEK!!,..so it is ok for you to go out on dates..but this FRIEND of yours isnt??...interesting!!
I cannnnnot comprehend why on earth the man would be so ignorant as to tell me that after all we went through together and him knowing how I had felt about him! All I could think was "You b#%sta*d! How rude and disrespectful can you be?
go look up ignorant in the dictionary....while you are at it..look up CONTRIDICTION and FRIENDSHIP!!
you dont know the meaning to any one of those words, not from what you have typed in this post anyway!
YES!! you are over reacting...and if he was really a friend..then you as a friend..should be happy for him!!..just like you would if one of your girlfriends called you and told you about a guy she had met!!
get over yourself!! | |
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| Is it just me...or was that ignorant?
Posted: 5/27/2006 2:02:56 PM | ^^^^Msg's 10 & 13: It always hits me as "interesting" that PEOPLE who are bitter about past relationships move at light speed when they see an opportunity to bash the gender who "done 'em wrong"! Good Gawd-----could there be ANY more sad, pathetic, "poor, poor pitiful ME......." expressions than this? The mystery guy mentioned is now a loser and is only trying to assemble a harem "well, because, ya know----ALL men are like that"!! The guy mentioned here only acted and reacted according to OP's own doings but yet HE's the responsible one?? C'mon Ladies-----get a grip!!
Let go of your past anger and hurt from something that probably happened eons ago. Is it doing you any good or making you feel better when you lash out at someone you don't know---or even know the full story? I pity those who must stoop to this level----maybe they just need a hug? Hope they get one soon!!!
Geeesh!! | |
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| Is it just me...or was that ignorant?
Posted: 5/27/2006 2:06:11 PM | Sorry that your feelings are hurt. Do not apologize for being hurt. I think you need to buy some sassy sandles and watch Anderson Cooper on Monday. You will feel better.
Best of luck to you.
~Carrie B. | |
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| Is it just me...or was that ignorant?
Posted: 5/27/2006 2:47:25 PM | | I understand why you were hurt to a degree....... You just told him how you felt about him not long before right ? Do people man or woman think that our feelings turn off that fast ? It was insensitive of him but dont think he really took the time to think about your feelings. Like someone said time will tell what kind of friend he will be. But if i were you i would drop him because lets face it you feel one way he feels another and your feelings will never change so why punish yourself. | |
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| Is it just me...or was that ignorant?
Posted: 6/10/2006 9:49:58 AM | | Something very similar happened to me. In the beginning he was so committed and in love, and I was very hesitant, so as soon as I let my guard down, and let him in my heart,,,he suddenly changed. He was going thru so tough times, we were BEST friends, but he wasnt ready to be serious. I gave him his space and even dated others, but was now, in love with him. He knew this, and would tell me to give him time, and that he wasnt ready for anything serious. I had told him about having lunch or dinner with others, and even though he encouraged it, he also seemed jealous. Then one day, he tells me he had been dating someone for 3 months, but was afraid to tell me, he didnt want to hurt me. After a few months of no contact, only a drunk dial or two from him, we finally got to a point where we could talk. He said his girlfriend understood that we were good friends and had no problem with us talking and hanging out. If she only knew some of the conversations we have had, she might not be so open to this. We are at the point now, that I don't even return his calls, texts or emails. I think what hurt me more than him seeing someone else, was the fact that he lied and decieved me. That hurt more. But I am a firm believer in Karma, and what goes around comes around. His perfect woman will fall off her pediatal, and this time, I wont be there for him, and it feels damn good to know he is finally out of my heart. Good luck to you, and remember, we reap what we sow, and they will get theirs,,,tenfold!! | |
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im very dissapointed
