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Show ALL Forums  > Broken Hearts  > Having Him as a "Friend" or Not At All, which pain is worse??      Home login  
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 Goddess_Moonlight
Joined: 5/11/2006
Msg: 1
Having Him as a "Friend" or Not At All, which pain is worse??Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
My boyfriend of one year broke up with me three weeks ago. He still Loves me by his own admission, but he says he can't continue with the relationship anymore, it just doesn't feel right to him, and he feels we have too many problems/we fight a lot. I love him to death, more than I've ever Loved anyone and don't want to lose him. We broke up in January as well, but i stuck around and we were "friends." "Friends" meaning we still pretty much had the same relationship, it was just called 'friends'. Although i did technically move out (we lived together) i still had my clothes there, i slept over almost every night and the nights i didn't, he was sleeping at my mom's with me (where i technically lived). Eventually half way through February we offically got back together. Now, we have had our problems, but i Love him despite all our differences, we've been through so much together, and it hurts soooo much knowing we won't be sharing our life together anymore.
We broke up May 8th, and since May 10th we've pretty much seen each other every day / every other day, doing the same things as we did in our relationship / last time we broke up. He's adamant (bad speller) that we won't get back together (like he was last time) but i don't want to go through another month and a half waiting for him to maybe change his mind. I think i deserve to be with someone who wants me. So, on Wednesday May 24th i had him over and said Goodbye. I told him I didn't want to see or talk to him anymore, i Love him to death, but i can't continue to hang on like this. However, i said if he had one doubt in his mind about not wanting to be with me, about not wanting to take me back and try, then that was enough for me to stick around and waite, i Love him so much i would wait forever for him as long as there was hope. He said he only had a nagging voice in his head that says to take me back, but he just can't do it. We made Love that night and i drove him home the next morning and said Goodbye. We haven't had any communication since. This is the hardest thing i've ever had to do, i want to talk / see him sooo bad. i miss being "friends" and feel i made the wrong decision, i don't know whats more painful, being "friends" and having only part of him and acheing for all of him or not having him at all. My heart is secretly hoping this absence will make him realize how much he misses me, what he gave up, and hopfully come back to me, but my brian knows that's foolish.


So, here's my question: Have I made the right decision to let him go. Do i continue to be "friends" with him and have part of him (and trick my heart into secretly hoping), or do i have non of him. I can't tell which pain is worse.....
 AnalyzerDude
Joined: 5/3/2006
Msg: 2
Having Him as a Friend or Not At All, which pain is worse??
Posted: 5/28/2006 9:55:40 AM
You made the right choice! Choosing to hang on to a screwed up relationship is the most painfull. As a matter of fact (and I don't know for the life of me, why people do this) but hanging on like you did was foolish, if ever there was a chance you blew by sticking around and conferming his doubt in the relationship, you don't f*ck your freinds. For him that makes you look bad... He really needed his space to address his issues and you should ahve done the same, thats why your not together now, you didn't make the needed changes...You probly can't even see whats wrong. You said you fight and argue...What else? as if thats not bad enough...

When I end a relationship, it's freinds or nothing, I DO NOT sleep with my freinds!!!
Get over shallow lust and foolish tingles and get on with your choices in life and love.

Here is a good point: If you LOVE GOD, is it just a magical tingle that says he/she is your greatest love or is it a choice? If you just magicly loved God you would be worthless to him, like an atomitom.
You make a choice and work towards making your self worthy of that choice. If it wasn't a choice would it make a fly'n flip of any differance at all??????????????????????????????

I can't figure out why nobody in this dumbas* wourld will GROW UP........

Oh and sorry for being so blunt but somebody has to be honest.
 Cin4U
Joined: 1/31/2006
Msg: 3
Having Him as a Friend or Not At All, which pain is worse??
Posted: 5/28/2006 10:03:59 AM
Its a fine line...sometimes depending on your heart you just cant be friends. I tired with my ex Bf who i was deeply in love with. But it hurt so bad to hear him enjoying life without me that it was like stabbing myself in the heart. With him, out of sight out of mind and eventually heart was what worked for me. I couldnt get over him while he was still very much in my life. I talk to him occasionally, but only when I want to. I dont call him, he calls me and most of the time I let it go to voicemail. You have to look deep inside yourself, think about what you can accept and deal with and im sorry to say dont concern yourself with how hes feeling. When you see him having a happy life without you, you will understand why I say dont worry about him becuase he wont be worrying too much about you. When you feel you can handle a friendship then do it if not then walk away and move on
 terminallycute
Joined: 8/3/2005
Msg: 4
Having Him as a Friend or Not At All, which pain is worse??
Posted: 5/28/2006 10:12:13 AM
yes..let him go!! (I know..easier said then done)

He wants his freedom yet he still wants to keep you on a leash just in case!..He is using love as an excuse, I say this..because if he was still in love with you, then he wouldnt be doing this to you. The two of you have fallin into a "habit relationship" Like all habits..its is very hard to break out of.

Also..this isnt a friendship....it takes a long time and soul searching...not to mention moving on, before a serious relationship can end with a platonic friendship.

You have to go do your own thing...stay busy with your girlfriends to keep your mind off the two of you not being together..and what he could be doing without you...

trust me...thats the hardest thing and It will eat you up inside. Especially when you find out he has been spending time with other women friends...I have always thought of that feeling as" like a kick in the stomach". Do your best to try to stay strong.

You have a very hard tear filled road ahead of you hun....but in the long run..and it maybe a very very long run....you will realize that all this was for the best..
 Dahliakitten
Joined: 10/14/2005
Msg: 5
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Having Him as a Friend or Not At All, which pain is worse??
Posted: 5/28/2006 10:22:10 AM
Dear, if his friendship has anything to do with your livelyhood, your finances, then I can see your dilemma. If not, then drop kick him to the curb. He cares nothing for your personal feelings, his knowing how badly you ache for him. Seems to me that the torture you are doing to yourself is self inflicted and masochistic in nature.
Since it doesn't feel right to him, as he states, back off totally. The hardest thing in a relationship is letting go. If a couple doesn't grow together, they grow apart, in different directions. You hanging on to him, emotionally and mentally, not physically must be an awful
place to be. So, I've been there too. Let him go. Entirely. For your own good and well being. And get some therapy to. You are emmeshed with him. You need boundaries. For yourself. You gave too much of yourself and to let go is torture to you. So, you basically have to go cold turkey and kick it like a bad habit. And relplace that bad habit with learning to respect and love yourself first. You can do this. Try a 12 step meeting and get a sponsor and tell her you want to admit you are addicted to your bf. Same principle dear. Be strong and courageous. A pal, Dahliah.
 Goddess_Moonlight
Joined: 5/11/2006
Msg: 6
Having Him as a Friend or Not At All, which pain is worse??
Posted: 5/28/2006 10:39:51 AM
Thanks KillerDog, i actually read that a week ago, was very en-lightening, but may have given me hope where there may not be any.
 ginibin
Joined: 5/14/2006
Msg: 7
Having Him as a Friend or Not At All, which pain is worse??
Posted: 5/28/2006 10:52:14 AM
The reason why I am good friends with my two ex bfs now is the fairly long time we took not talking to each other, healing, getting over the BS.

DO that first, for as long as it takes. If the friendship was meant to be, you'll find your way back to each other and be better people for it.

Gini
 Goddess_Moonlight
Joined: 5/11/2006
Msg: 8
Having Him as a Friend or Not At All, which pain is worse??
Posted: 5/28/2006 10:52:14 AM
i hope it's not such a long run, i don't know if i could handle much more of this pain. It's as if a piece of me is missing, it's horrible!
 Splinter
Joined: 1/6/2006
Msg: 9
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Having Him as a Friend or Not At All, which pain is worse??
Posted: 5/28/2006 10:56:04 AM
I think that you made the right choice. It was the hard choice to make but it was the right one. If it is meant to be you will get back together. Keep yourself as busy as possible. Start dating other guys, work more, go back to school, take up hobbies just anything to get him out of your mind and more importantly out of your heart. Some advise if you end up getting back together go to couples theraphy to make sure it works the next time around. Hope everthing works out for you.
 CuteNPerky2
Joined: 1/29/2006
Msg: 10
Having Him as a Friend or Not At All, which pain is worse??
Posted: 5/28/2006 11:42:08 AM
Thats a no brainer you cant be friends with someone you love and want to be more with you will have to much pain. Find someone who loves you back and have a happy life . I can only imagine what this back and forth relationship has done to your nervous system you must be a wreck. I have and never would or could be friends with someone I slept with . THey always still want to sleep with you . I Think this guy gave you a very rough time and I wouldnt feel bad about cutting him lose for good. Trust me if you love him you could also easily love someone else people are sometimes hard to find and you got to be patient. Also try to resist the temptation of being with someone because you feel lonely and are used to being alone. TRy spending more time with friends and family . Good luck to you and I feel your pain from you post
 hoosierhottie
Joined: 3/22/2006
Msg: 11
Having Him as a Friend or Not At All, which pain is worse??
Posted: 5/28/2006 12:17:47 PM
HI THERE!
Just wanted to share my story with you it sounds familiar. To answer your question, I think not having them a a friend is worse. This is my situation, i was with a guy for 6 1/2 years we broke up and remained BEST friends 4 years after. We did so much together, although we did only have intimate relation one time after we broke up. I stayed at his house all the time, he came to family get togethers, he was there when my boyfriends were asses to me, even was even there when the father of my baby didn't want anything to do with me after I became pregnant. So, he was going to be in the delivery room with me, (but unfortunately wasn't able to be). Everyone around me said I was meant to be with him, I didn't feel it because I was way comfortable around him like he was a brother to me. So, in other words I had true LOVE right in front of me and I didn't grab onto it. He never had a girlfriend the 4 years after we broke up, until now. The old saying "Don't know what you got till it's gone" is sooooooo true. My friends and family said I was going to regret it and realize what I had when someone else grabs ahold of it and sure enuf that has happened! The girlfriend doesn't want him talking to me and he has done just that. We haven't spoke in almost a year. I've tried texting him but no response. I want him happy, but I would rather be single the rest of my life if it meant having him as my friend forever! I wouldn't have given up the friendship! So, I just wanna say, "Listen to Your Heart"...what does it say?
Good luck!!
 BethNHouston
Joined: 5/21/2006
Msg: 12
Having Him as a Friend or Not At All, which pain is worse??
Posted: 5/28/2006 12:24:42 PM
" i Love him to death, but i can't continue to hang on like this. However, i said if he had one doubt in his mind about not wanting to be with me, about not wanting to take me back and try, then that was enough for me to stick around and waite, i Love him so much i would wait forever for him as long as there was hope."

Do you know what it is that you would be waiting on? As hard as it is you need to seperate from him and then take a look back, things are more then likely going to look a little different then. I just went through the same ordeal but my relationship lasted 8 years, then all the sudden he needs to move on to better things...But wanted to be friends. I am not to the point that I can be his friend totally (this was 3 weeks ago that I moved out) but after 3 weeks of nonsense from this man I lived with and gave my life to for 8 years I am finally seeing that if I met him today he is not a person I would want to be friends with or even attracted to his personality. So I thank him nightly for doing what he did and look forward to new things everyday. And hun, there is going to be someone out there for you that will fit like a shoe and it will click. Dont ever put your life on hold for someone else to decide if they love you enough to make a real effort at a relationship, the old saying.... If tomorrow never comes, Live for today!!

Good luck to you, it is hard to move on, but it will get better with every day that passes!
 michchick
Joined: 11/9/2005
Msg: 13
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Having Him as a Friend or Not At All, which pain is worse??
Posted: 5/28/2006 12:32:22 PM
I feel so bad for you! Im going through a simialr situation. Ive got a guy Ive been best freinds with for 8 months. Well we eventually crossed the line. Now Im not sure Ive done the right thing. Dont get me wrong we are so compatible and I enjoy every moment with him but...he lives with someone downstate and comes up state 3 days a week. I feel like Im going out with a married man. MY g/fs tell me to just ride the wave that when we are together they can tell he really likes me. But last night I got drunk at his bar I left my car there and he drove me home we got in a fight and omg he pulled a gun on me it was something outta a movie. This is to crazy drama drama drama I wish u well girl!!
 sunnid
Joined: 3/27/2006
Msg: 14
Having Him as a Friend or Not At All, which pain is worse??
Posted: 5/28/2006 12:37:52 PM
You definitely made the right choice- I went thru a similar situation a few months ago. We dated 9 months, got along great, but he moved out of state for a job and he decided a LDR wasn't going to work. We are friends, and chat on phone, but it's hard because there are still feelings there. He wants to see me next month when he comes in for a brief visit, so I guess he misses me a little I'm trying to only see him as a "friend", though...

Let this guy realize what he's missing...do NOT contact him at all! GOOD LUCK
 Wisman
Joined: 1/9/2005
Msg: 15
Having Him as a Friend or Not At All, which pain is worse??
Posted: 5/28/2006 12:43:48 PM
It's not only women who have that problem. Men too, have women who were best friends and then....they are gone. I was going to get married, when all of a sudden she tells me that she can't do it and moves out. Next thing, she is married about 9 months later. I am widowed and she was my wife's best friend, then awhile after my wife died, we were together alot and then became closer. I have known her for 16 years. Now she is afraid to talk to me because her husband won't let her. I haven't even tried to get her back. It is easy to say let it go, but it is HARD to do it. I wish you luck and remember, there are other people in your situation. You are not alone.


Paul
 tberry49
Joined: 4/11/2006
Msg: 16
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Having Him as a Friend or Not At All, which pain is worse??
Posted: 5/28/2006 8:02:16 PM
A little advice from someone who's been thru a similar situation. You need to be the one to call it quits, cause he never will. It will keep going on until you decide you've had enough. There are some men who will tell you its not working or over for numerous reasons and say they want to be friends. What they really are after is friends with fringe benfits. You will suffer but they will reap the benefits of such a relationship. I foolishly clung to a relationship like that for many years. I finally put an end to it and cut all contact, even moved away and began a new relationship. It took him 5 years, but he tracked me down thru the internet, even retrieved my phone number and had the nerve to call me!! Still talking the same cr*p!
I realized that he could never make me happy, but that he would still be there waiting to be my friend! (ha!)
 dingedarmor
Joined: 5/8/2005
Msg: 17
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Having Him as a Friend or Not At All, which pain is worse??
Posted: 5/28/2006 8:10:06 PM
The relationship is dead. Bury it. Keeping him around as a friend is sort of like turning him into a zombie--he's still dead, smells bad, shuffles around and will try to bite.
 CuteNPerky2
Joined: 1/29/2006
Msg: 18
Having Him as a Friend or Not At All, which pain is worse??
Posted: 5/28/2006 8:47:32 PM
Your telling me guys can be friends without having sex with you ??? Thats a new one for me never heard of it or saw it happen but I guess its possible
 always a dreamer
Joined: 5/6/2006
Msg: 19
Having Him as a Friend or Not At All, which pain is worse??
Posted: 5/28/2006 9:10:10 PM
It's been just over a month for me. I can't say I was holding on. We broke up over a year ago and were seperated for 3 months before getting back together. During that time, we remained amazing friends. We didn't sleep together once - we were just friends. This time around, it lasted 9 months before it was over again.

There was no preparing for him leaving me. Things were great one day and he was gone the next. For me, there was just such a difference though in him leaving vs. the last time we broke up. Last year, I held hope we'd get over this hurdle. This time, I just know it's truly, completely over.

I've never loved anyone like I love him. This has truly been the most excrutiating experience of my life. I wanted to hold on to a friendship, like the last time, but I don't think this time it's possible.

It's really hard because, while all the advice that's been given so far is truly bang on, while you are IN the moment, it all seems wrong. Time doesn't heal your wounds. Time is only time. My friends were amazing, and have been amazing, but sometimes their well intentions of getting me out isn't met with much appreciation. Sometimes I do just want to be alone. I guess what I'm trying to say is, there is no "method" for getting over the love of your life. It's what works best for you.

There's one thing I want to point out to you though...as my advice...and what I've learned this last 5 weeks.

We made Love that night and i drove him home the next morning and said Goodbye.

If you feel horrible now, you will sink yourself into the ground if you become a "friend with benefits" type girl.

You need to, as I've learned, stop all contact with him. My ex and I had a LDR so we don't see each other or there's no fear of bumping into each other BUT just last Friday I read in his blog that he "met a girl". He talked about the girl that is out of guys league. He met her in Jamba Juice and they exchanged "that glance" and ended up exchanging business cards. She phoned him within the hour. Apparantly she's "hot" and some excutive and has the bod of all bods.

He knows I read the blog so at this point, I don't know what's real and what's written words that he's just trying to hurt me with. It was then, that I realized, that there will be NO good to come from me continuing to read his blog or try and attempt to keep in touch with him at all.

It's all about you hun. It really is. You need to keep yourself strong. Don't make the mistakes I have this last month. Grieve - you ARE in mourning - just be smart about it.

All my best to you.
 AslanC
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 20
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Having Him as a Friend or Not At All, which pain is worse??
Posted: 5/28/2006 9:17:58 PM
I feel your pain, in ways.

I went through a similar thing this very weekend. The love of my life decided we shouldn't be together as lovers or in a relationship anylonger, we should just be friends.

It started with the "it's not you, it's me" line and eventually we got down to the brass tacks of where we were not compatible. I won't go into those details now, since they are private, but in the end the question becomes can you be just friends with someone you have been intimate with and who you love?

I want to believe so, but it takes avery large heart and a strong sense of self I think. I am going to try myself (one of my first steps was to come here at a friend's advice and post a profile) and see if it can. The bitter and cynical will always say no, the romantics will always say yes... What does reality say?

That remains to be seen.
 dfwdave
Joined: 5/18/2006
Msg: 21
Having Him as a Friend or Not At All, which pain is worse??
Posted: 5/28/2006 9:23:07 PM
I have been through that before...It is tough to "be friends" after a relationship. At first it hurt more that the break up, because I wanted more.....It took a long time to go back to friends, and it is still not the same.....It really depends on you if you can handle seeing him date other women and not be the one.....Hope it all works out for you.....

ps...you have a beautiful smile!
 Jarbarian
Joined: 2/9/2006
Msg: 22
Having Him as a Friend or Not At All, which pain is worse??
Posted: 5/29/2006 12:33:04 AM
Great advice here.

The question you need to ask yourself is "How much "pain" is this friendship causing me?"

If he doesn't want to be with you then the longer you remain friends with him (while hanging on to hope he will return) the longer you will suffer. He isn't pining around for you. He's moving on with his life.

You should do the same.

The old adage "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they are yours. If not, they were never meant to be..." applies.

Wouldn't you rather invest your time in someone who loves and cares about you as much as you do them?

...I know I do.....
 APaladin
Joined: 2/26/2006
Msg: 23
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Having Him as a Friend or Not At All, which pain is worse??
Posted: 5/29/2006 7:10:42 AM
As most people seem to have agreed, friendship is going to be a long while coming if at all. I had to break up a 10 year relationship 4 months ago and I can tell you some days I feel the pain is getting worse instead of better. My main point is, you have to respect yourself and set your own boundaries. I want to be with someone who WANTS to be with me. Not feel like I'm having to constantly prove myself to someone and accept crumbs in a relationship. If you all just can't make it, and it looks like that is the case, I would forget friendship, grieve, and put what energy you can muster into creating a better you. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it didn't work because of something wrong with you, but we can all try to be better equipped emotionally every day and that is what I am working on at this point. It may be you held on so long because you are addicted to being in ANY relationship and therapy might help if that is the case. I wish us both luck. We have a lot of company, don't we?
 Dahliakitten
Joined: 10/14/2005
Msg: 24
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Having Him as a Friend or Not At All, which pain is worse??
Posted: 5/29/2006 4:08:23 PM
right on. I agree with mess 23: "My main point is, you have to respect yourself and set your own boundaries. I want to be with someone who WANTS to be with me. Not feel like I'm having to constantly prove myself to someone and accept crumbs in a relationship. If you all just can't make it, and it looks like that is the case, I would forget friendship, grieve, and put what energy you can muster into creating a better you. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it didn't work because of something wrong with you, but we can all try to be better equipped emotionally every day and that is what I am working on at this point. It may be you held on so long because you are addicted to being in ANY relationship and therapy might help if that is the case. I wish us both luck. We have a lot of company, don't we?"

We settle for the comfortable crumbs of any excuse "of being in a relationship" to say we belong to a "couple" mode. Is this what I want? We either both flow together at the same time or wait to see if the other one catches up, or makes the move and gets out of the "relationship".
 ThatsAmore
Joined: 11/29/2005
Msg: 25
Having Him as a Friend or Not At All, which pain is worse??
Posted: 5/29/2006 7:28:20 PM
Hmmmm I ponder this and think "Not at all". That would cause me more pain. I would be lost without him as a friend. Especially when you share so much.
Show ALL Forums  > Broken Hearts  > Having Him as a "Friend" or Not At All, which pain is worse??