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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > How do deal with a woman who has commitment issues?      Home login  
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 TooNiceMan
Joined: 5/6/2006
Msg: 1
How do deal with a woman who has commitment issues?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I'm seeing this beautiful, sweet woman. She's 21 and I'm 23, so we're pretty much on the same mental level. We both think highly of each other. She has told me that she cares about me alot and I feel the same way about her.

I want to be her boyfriend. But, she says she likes the arrangement we have now. Where we go out together to eat or to hang out or whatever, sleep together, talk to each other about life, etc. To me, this sounds like we're already together. But, we're really not.

I don't want to be with anybody but her. But I'm getting the feeling she wants her cake and eat it too. She's told me she hasn't been with anybody else. And I trust her because she's never lied to me before.

I'm just looking for some general advice or tips for my problem.

Thanks guys...
 Lady_Kay
Joined: 4/13/2006
Msg: 2
How do deal with a woman who has commitment issues?
Posted: 6/4/2006 3:47:50 PM
At 21 she would be a fool to settle down so early. Let her enjoy this courting period where she is the belle of the ball and the center of your universe. This is an important time for women as they leave their youth behind and begin to really embrace the woman that they are. She is going to change a great deal over the next 4 years (this is normal). If you really want the best for her continue being the wonderful man that you are. In the end she may grow in a different direction but then again she may discover that what you offer is everything she needs.

With every relationship we run the risk of getting hurt - but I wouldn't have avoided one heartbreak for the amazing experiences I have lived. I am thankful for everyone who has touched my life as it has made me the person that I am today.
 flsoldier
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 3
How do deal with a woman who has commitment issues?
Posted: 6/4/2006 3:51:15 PM
FWB Sir.

You can't force someone into a relationship that doesn't want to be there.
It might hurt, but that's the truth.

You could try the 'ol reverse psychology bit and step back entirely.
It could work, or it could backfire. It's a crap shoot.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 4
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How do deal with a woman who has commitment issues?
Posted: 6/4/2006 3:54:31 PM
You don't say how you're getting the feeling she wants her cake and eat it too. If you've asked her about being exclusive and she isn't ready, there's not much you can do. You would want her to do it only because she wants to, I would hope.
So don't pressure her, let her come to want that herself. If you're not on the same page and you're not willing to wait for her to want the same thing, then it's probably not something that will work out.
 libra chic
Joined: 5/2/2006
Msg: 5
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How do deal with a woman who has commitment issues?
Posted: 6/4/2006 4:03:43 PM
i think she knows what she wants and is nice of her to be upfront with you instead of accepting and not being ready or not fully comitting to the bf gf relationship ,give her time and respect her decision but also look out for yourself too.......i know it's hard i recently started seeing someone too and so far what i know about him i like...he seems to be straight out and so am i so we will see what happens but i understand where you are coming from because i wouldn't mind trying out the bf/gf relationship with him either although i have not told him how i feel....good luck with that
 AREALANGEL
Joined: 2/5/2006
Msg: 6
How do deal with a woman who has commitment issues?
Posted: 6/4/2006 4:07:32 PM
Sounds like you guys are in college and need to hit the books and think about graduating and getting a good job and getting it all together..THAN you can play house..k?
 carrie bradshaw
Joined: 2/21/2006
Msg: 7
How do deal with a woman who has commitment issues?
Posted: 6/4/2006 5:52:29 PM
I think that you really need to sit her down and talk to her. Tell her how you feel. Maybe she does want her cake and to it too. BUT, maybe she is trying the best that she can. Maybe she really does like you but is frozen in fear. Talk to her....go to therapy if you have to with her. Do not give up on her if you love her. Do not give up if you care.
I wish you all the best and every happiness.
~Carrie B.
 digitalsanity
Joined: 5/1/2006
Msg: 8
How do deal with a woman who has commitment issues?
Posted: 6/4/2006 6:59:57 PM
Least she is honest enough not to rush into something she does not want.
Your young, be young and have fun.
 AMOFO
Joined: 5/22/2006
Msg: 9
How do deal with a woman who has commitment issues?
Posted: 6/4/2006 7:22:27 PM
For me anyways this is a rather simple, no brainer of a problem. I already know what I want and what I can live with and not live with, if what she brings to the table fits within that criteria, then we are cool. If not, time to move on. I do not want my time wasted, nor do I want her's to be wasted. To date it has worked well for me.

You are in a different place than her. Decide what you can live with and not live with, and then make a grown up decision. The last thing you want to do is, force her into a relationship. The relationship should just happen in its own due course.
 AMOFO
Joined: 5/22/2006
Msg: 10
How do deal with a woman who has commitment issues?
Posted: 6/4/2006 7:29:26 PM
I'll take two scoops of DIGITALSANITY.
 justmeinnc05
Joined: 8/12/2005
Msg: 11
How do deal with a woman who has commitment issues?
Posted: 6/4/2006 7:54:25 PM
I am sorry but it sounds like even though she isn't seeing anyone else now, she wants to leave the door open to that possiblity. I wish I had some real advice to give you as I know it is hard. I wouldn't wait forever. She is plenty old enough to make up her mind, and not keep you hanging.
 Halfevl333
Joined: 3/26/2006
Msg: 12
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How do deal with a woman who has commitment issues?
Posted: 6/4/2006 7:57:19 PM
Heck that sounds like the perfect relationship to me...

"we go out together to eat or to hang out or whatever, SLEEP together, talk to each other about life, etc."

Go with the flow...

 keepingit
Joined: 3/10/2006
Msg: 13
How do deal with a woman who has commitment issues?
Posted: 6/4/2006 8:03:34 PM
Have you ever thought about WHY you want her? She doesn't really have commitment issues.
How would she be acting if she thought that she could never have you? She would be posting here with the same rhetoric.
I think you want her that bad because you can't have her like that.

She can act that way or be that way because she owns you.
 kotorisun
Joined: 5/21/2006
Msg: 14
How do deal with a woman who has commitment issues?
Posted: 6/4/2006 8:05:57 PM
Is it the label that is bothering you? Or the feeling that you don't have "exclusive rights" to this person?
 Dustinjames
Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 15
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How do deal with a woman who has commitment issues?
Posted: 6/4/2006 8:08:47 PM
Sounds like the two of you are on the same page, but youre turning to the next one. Maybe give it some time... for her to catch up, or you simply go on.
 hapeenurse
Joined: 5/5/2006
Msg: 16
How do deal with a woman who has commitment issues?
Posted: 6/4/2006 8:30:09 PM
gotta talk to her about it , just tell her what you said here. That you want to be exclusive and aren't sure what exactly she wants from whatever it is you have right now.
Maybe she isn't ready yet, or maybe she doesn't want a serious boyfriend right now.You won't know until you ask her!
 arri
Joined: 10/5/2005
Msg: 17
How do deal with a woman who has commitment issues?
Posted: 6/4/2006 8:34:02 PM
If i were her dad .. I'd tell her to have her cake and eat it too. She still has school, career and her own way to find ... not get pinned down into a relationship.
 ktodd1969
Joined: 3/17/2006
Msg: 18
How do deal with a woman who has commitment issues?
Posted: 6/4/2006 8:43:17 PM
Sounds like something that happened to me a couple of years ago...........She basically does want to have her cake and eat it too.........and/or she wants the old "friends with benefits" thing........If you can trust her then I guess that is fine. Personally I can't trust anyone like that and if she isn't willing to do the "boyfriend/girlfriend" thing then there is a reason, in my opinion, and that is because she is probably wanting to date/sleep with other guys. I would dump her. I cannot trust someone like that. The only way I would get into a situation like that is if the boundaries were laid out beforehand, in other words, if you both are comfortable with such a situation then fine. My situation that I spoke of was that basically she strung me along making me believe that she wanted the real deal but she didn't. I don't know why women can't be honest. If all they want is a "F.W.B." thing or a "F-buddy" thing, then be UP FRONT ABOUT IT! At least then I won't develop any real feelings for her and waste my emotions on her.
 Perplexed2
Joined: 6/1/2006
Msg: 19
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How do deal with a woman who has commitment issues?
Posted: 6/4/2006 9:33:49 PM
Figure out what you want from the relationship, but make sure its fair. Tell what you want from the relationship. If she's unable or unwilling to do that, then why would you want to stay with her?
 My_Island
Joined: 12/10/2005
Msg: 20
How do deal with a woman who has commitment issues?
Posted: 6/4/2006 9:52:34 PM
Personally, I'd leave her and see if "absence does make the heart grow fonder."

If she wants things as it is, how long do you feel you would wait for her to come around? Don't turn a blind eye as to the (negative) impact her wishes can have on the relationship and most importantly, on you.

As she is doing for herself, you need to decide what is best for you. Reverse the situation and you would be called a "player."
 DickBoston
Joined: 9/2/2005
Msg: 21
How do deal with a woman who has commitment issues?
Posted: 6/4/2006 9:54:19 PM
To suggest she wants her cake and eat it too..suggests she wants something that's not fair.
She wants what she has now - she likes it - it works for her - she is enjoying life and time with you and the level of commitment you have now.
There is nothing unfair about wanting that.

You may be at the same mental level but my hunch is you are not at the same emotional level.
It's fair for you to want a verbally agreed upon committed relationship.
It's fair of her to want to keep things the way they are.

Can you keep it fair while negotiating the middle ground - the relationship with respect for each others wants?
 FishBait81
Joined: 8/7/2005
Msg: 22
How do deal with a woman who has commitment issues?
Posted: 6/5/2006 4:58:09 PM
your 23, whats the rush? just give her some time i guess. take things slow and enjoy what you have now already. why do you need a label? is she only dating you, if so i think thats all that matters.
 rainbowfishh
Joined: 4/20/2006
Msg: 23
How do deal with a woman who has commitment issues?
Posted: 6/5/2006 5:06:49 PM
at 21... its too young to say someone has commitment issues.


but its kinda funny you did.

 ATLShorty21
Joined: 5/16/2005
Msg: 24
How do deal with a woman who has commitment issues?
Posted: 6/5/2006 6:07:43 PM
I have SO been where your girlfriend is. Unfortunately for the guys in my life, "I like this arrangement" meant "I like dating different people and don't want to give up my freedom by entering anything committed - too much liability." And I think that's the normal 21 year old's thought process. I have done a lot of growing up since then and am more relationship minded, but at 20...21, the last thing I was thinking about was a serious committment.
 Funnybiker_guy
Joined: 4/17/2005
Msg: 25
How do deal with a woman who has commitment issues?
Posted: 6/5/2006 6:08:41 PM
just a few weeks ago this could almost have been my post....(with edits)


I'm seeing this beautiful, sweet woman. She's 21 and I'm 23, so we're pretty much on the same mental level.
( ok, so she is 30 and I'm 44, not on the same level at all)
We both think highly of each other. She has told me that she cares about me alot and I feel the same way about her.

I want to be her boyfriend. But, she says she likes the arrangement we have now. Where we go out together to eat or to hang out or whatever, sleep together, talk to each other about life, etc. To me, this sounds like we're already together. But, we're really not.

I don't want to be with anybody but her. But I'm getting the feeling she wants her cake and eat it too. She's told me she hasn't been with anybody else. And I trust her because she's never lied to me before.

I'm just looking for some general advice or tips for my problem.


I found that it is better to let what is NOT there, go. and look at what is really there.
In my case, I moved on and we are working at being just friends, good luck, and remember friends last longer than lovers when the commitment is not there
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