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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > okay so you *are* friends with you ex.....      Home login  
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 hapeenurse
Joined: 5/5/2006
Msg: 1
okay so you *are* friends with you ex.....Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
did a thread search , didn't see any based on what I'm wondering.
Okay a lot of people have said that you can be friends with your ex and I *thought* I was a big believer in that. Fast forward to last night , Went out with the ex boyfriend (of a few months now) and his friends (who I like a lot!) for drinks. All was cool , I wasn't feeling anything akward , conversation flowed as always. And then his new girlfriend called him. Okay cue the weirdness! He got that sweet boyfriend tone of voice with her and promised to call her asap in the morning - all the things that I had at one time! I wasn't jealous because life goes on and although I Don't have a boyfriend right now , I hope to at *some* point. I just felt , well it's hard to explain really. Then , because people tend to talk (and over talk!) to me about things he proceeded to talk about her. Part of me is very happy , the other part was like "LA LA LA" I can't hear you "LA LA LA" so how do you strike a balance? it seems like it would suck to censor what you talk about but some things are hard to hear from someone you had a past with!
 terry44030
Joined: 12/4/2005
Msg: 2
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okay so you *are* friends with you ex.....
Posted: 6/9/2006 2:19:35 AM
I was engaged to someone back in the early 80's, and became friends with several members of her family (in fact about 8 years ago, I dated one of her sisters). They have a family picnic every year, and since I'm invited, I have attended several times. I have met her hubby - they've been together for almost 20 years now - he knows there are no "issues". I have shared Thanksgivings and Christmases with her other sister and her family. In fact, there are several couples that I visit regularly, where I have known the wife for several years before they got married. 99% of them, I wouldn't go to their home unless the hubby was there....that's a basic respect thing, tho.

So, YES you can actually be friends (or at least honestly cordial) with exes
 secrtluvr
Joined: 5/12/2006
Msg: 3
okay so you *are* friends with you ex.....
Posted: 6/9/2006 2:22:34 AM
Simple solution--only go out with ugly guys that you will never have to compete for.
 browneyedcornflakekiller
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 4
okay so you *are* friends with you ex.....
Posted: 6/9/2006 2:24:06 AM
Sounds like jealousy to me. But that's normal and I think most anyone would feel what you felt. Give it some time and trudge on through and it will get better.

However, I will say that your X showed a complete lack of class by not excusing himself and he made it worse by talking about her afterward. That's called ego and it's not overly attractive. If the old gf wants to hear about the new gf then she will probably ask. No need to rub it in her face.
 Chocolategirl73
Joined: 4/24/2006
Msg: 5
okay so you *are* friends with you ex.....
Posted: 6/9/2006 2:38:04 AM
I have always found it possible to remain friends with most of my exes, in fact one of my best friends is a guy I was with for two and a half years when I was sixteen.
There are a couple it has not been possible to keep as mates but there were other factors in play with them.
As for being uncomfortable when they talk about new girlfriends, that just takes time to get use to, in my experience anyway.
XXX
 LexFonteyne
Joined: 5/18/2006
Msg: 6
okay so you *are* friends with you ex.....
Posted: 6/9/2006 4:54:46 AM
One of my best friends is a former girlfriend I was involved with a few years back. Somehow, we decided we liked each other enough that we could still hang out and talk even if we weren't technically "together." She's married now, has two kids, and she recently admitted to me that she's having an affair with one of the guys where she works. Of course, the husband knows nothing about this. I'm torn in a way, because her husband is the sweetest guy in the world, and she'll never find anybody who will treat her as good as he does, but she's been a friend forever, practically, so I haven't said anything to anybody about her office romance.

But it did hit me, one day, that if I was still involved with her today, I would be the one she was cheating on. That (and the fact that she has kids) helps keep me from ever thinking about the possibility of getting back together with her.
 hapeenurse
Joined: 5/5/2006
Msg: 7
okay so you *are* friends with you ex.....
Posted: 6/9/2006 5:40:57 AM
okay you all make oodles of sense (where were you when I was sitting at the bar during this? hah) there was probably a twinge of jealously but more like I felt it was uneccesarily hurtful to take the call right infront of me and then proceed to talk about the new gf. I do want him to be happy , and if she makes him happy thats great, But there was a history between the two of us (and it hasn't been *that* long) so hearing the details just spooked me a little.
I probably do just need more time to chill with the idea.
 Funny_Girl
Joined: 10/27/2005
Msg: 8
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okay so you *are* friends with you ex.....
Posted: 6/9/2006 6:15:22 AM
My daughter has lots and lots of toys. Whether they're broken or not, she still doesn't want anyone else playing with her toys, much less "having" her toys.

I think it's like that.;) And that's OK and it's normal. It'll pass.
 *buzz*
Joined: 6/1/2006
Msg: 9
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okay so you *are* friends with you ex.....
Posted: 6/9/2006 7:15:25 AM
I've got the same vibes like ^^^^^, the wound has not healed completely and memories didn't get those grey colours yet.
With my ex - I've made myself a promise long time ago, not to want to know anything about him, nor hear from him about his life. My circle of friends know how I feel in this direction and respect it. He walked out - full stop. His new life is his, not mine, no interest what sort ever.
Because of our child, we are just civil.
 rainbowfishh
Joined: 4/20/2006
Msg: 10
okay so you *are* friends with you ex.....
Posted: 6/9/2006 7:28:16 AM
You need to think about why you feel jealousy and not
happy for him that he has found someone else.

Instead of worrying about being friends with your ex...
consider what kind of friend you are when you
cant even be happy for him
that he found someone.

It maybe YOU and not him...

maybe its best you dont go around him
until you can work out your feelings and
put your and his relationship behind you...
which is now...
in the past.

Apperently your not over it and him...
 trustandfaith
Joined: 6/9/2006
Msg: 11
okay so you *are* friends with you ex.....
Posted: 6/9/2006 7:33:54 AM
lmao, sing in your head...just keep swimming,swimming,swimming....lol
 hapeenurse
Joined: 5/5/2006
Msg: 12
okay so you *are* friends with you ex.....
Posted: 6/9/2006 8:14:35 AM

title of this thread should be friends with YOUR ex not you , it was late and I had been drinking , oops!

I *Am* happy for him which is why he probably felt so comfortable talking to me about his new girlfriend. I found it hard to hear some of the things he was saying. It caught me off gaurd is all and I wanted a way to still be his friend but not hear quite so many details about new girl. (like the fact that she's a virgin and he's worried about sex for the first time with her - yes he told me that too).
I know the two of us wouldn't work , we wanted different things out of a relationship , why wouldn't I want him to find someone more on the same track as him? That doesn't mean it's easy! I just didn't expect to hear so many details during the first time we hung out since our breakup. I've dated other people since, I didn't find it really appropriate to go into detail about it while hanging out with him and a bunch of his friends! I think that what you have said is right , in time it does get easier, I think I was just surprised at the conversation and felt a little under pressure to be overly cool with it being that I was surrounded by a bunch of people at the time.

 TheAwesomeGirl
Joined: 9/27/2004
Msg: 13
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okay so you *are* friends with you ex.....
Posted: 6/9/2006 8:31:06 AM
^^^ lol, I luv that ditty!

Y'know (okay this is kinda tarded, so bear with me) my shrink tells me (toldja, lol!) that part of why I've had such a hard time with ending my marriage hasn't been because I fear his possible abusive reaction, nor is it that I still harbor affection for him -- It's been because I want so badly NOT to hurt him, and to somehow remain friendly or at least cordial afterwards, and I fear that there's no way to realistically do so. And this concern is for the man who has been verbally and emotionally abusive to me for years (sing it with me: DUHHHH! can you say Stockholm Syndrome? yeesh).

Problem is, while I am painfully familiar with his bad side, I also know -- not just remember -- that there are places where we our minds still meet, and that he is a damaged human being -- insecure, beset with abandonment and mommy issues -- not some demonized creature, and that my leaving, with our kids, is going to be a massive blow to him. Things have gone okay so far with our preliminary discussions of splitting, but I fear that when it moves from theoretical to real (for example, the next step, soon-a-comin', when I hand him the financial analyses and custody proposals I'm nearing completion on, and say "okay, your turn, let's commence negotiations")(since he is of the "ignore it and it'll go away" philosophy)(or maybe just plain passive-aggressive), he may well bug-out and get ugly. Tho he may just roll-over and play martyr -- gad, it's maddening!

And it's not that I fear his being scary or mean or violent: I've seen that, done that, and I am pretty well over it: that barking dog has no real bite, never will. To quote the Bard: it is a tale told by an idiot, all sound and fury, and signifying nothing. In fact, that'd be easy, cuz I know now how to deal with it.

No, what I fear is that he'll break down, blubber, beg, do all those things that so work to turn my heart. And that when I stand firm and follow-thru, it'll generate a hate in him beyond the vague misogyny and insecurity that drives him now: it'll be focused on me, the biatch who left him "for no reason" (because he does not accept or own his abusive behavior) and worse, took his kids (tho it is my full and clearly communicated intent to remain as geographically close as possible for their sakes, and to facilitate and encourage their ongoing relationship: it's primarily he and I who have the problems, not he and the kids). And as a result, we'll lose any opportunity to have a cordial relationship, which will further strain the kids.

The shrink says I have a great imagination, but I'm no fortune-teller and so should get over my worst-case scenario's and get on with it: que sera sera, what will be will be. And you know, I think she's right. And frankly regardless of my fears, I am still proceeding, because realistically it's the only way remaining that'll give any of us some peace and sanity.

As for his hooking-up with someone else after it all goes down? One of the great things that's come about thru all this is that I no longer am that emotionally attached to him: I don't love him anymore, I don't hate him, I am just done with him and want out. So as far as I'm concerned, if he finds himself someone else who's a better fit, then super, god bless'em (tho it'll be her lookout to deal with him after the charm wears off and he slips back into his abusive behaviors). But that'll be their lives and I will be blessedly out of the loop and prolly not see much of it.

But as such, I can TOTALLY get the whole strain of interacting with an ex -- especially if you still harbor any sort of positive feelings for them. But I also know it can work: my first semester of college I met a fella and we dated, got intimate, up, down, sideways and so on, til after several months/almost the whole academic year of this we both realized we weren't a good match as lovers. It was a little hinky at first, mostly due to my own foolish jealousy because I was still smitten with the idea of him, but in the end, we became good friends -- I'd daresay even best friends -- and we still are, 20-some years later. He actually invited me to be one of his "groomsmen," (lol tux and all, what a hoot that would have been!) but of course the fiance put the kabosh on that, LOL, and I just did a reading. So it can be done. Just gotta get over that green-eyed monster, which is something that not everyone can do -- for myself, there's only him and one other guy, of all the guys I dated over however-many years, with whom I was able to have a friendly relationship afterwards. The rest were strictly "buh-bye."

Hey if it didn't cause some sorta pain, they'd call it something other than breaking up!
 ducksquat
Joined: 10/26/2005
Msg: 14
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okay so you *are* friends with you ex.....
Posted: 6/9/2006 8:39:59 AM
It was akward hearing my ex talk about her new boyfriend and his children but I sat and listened at lunch and didn't want to give her the satisfaction of knowing that it bothered me to hear about it. I was happy that she's happier and we're friends, but I think it's human nature to feel unease about it at some level. It didn't linger with me afterwards at all so I knew I was truly over the 10 year relationship. It's not like we hang out at all, we've met the one time for lunch because she was moving to Phoenix with her new boyfriend and wanted to say goodbye.
 athletic_funny3
Joined: 5/31/2006
Msg: 15
okay so you *are* friends with you ex.....
Posted: 6/9/2006 8:50:01 AM
He does lack compassion and tact. He should not have discussed her in front of you.

Yourgirl.... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
 GoldenĀ©
Joined: 4/24/2006
Msg: 16
okay so you *are* friends with you ex.....
Posted: 6/9/2006 8:58:27 AM
I agree with Athletic on this one. Lacked tact.............should have walked away with the phone, instead of doing it right in front of you.
 TheAwesomeGirl
Joined: 9/27/2004
Msg: 17
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okay so you *are* friends with you ex.....
Posted: 6/9/2006 9:13:36 AM

Yourgirl.... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz


LOL, sorry man. Just the way I am... But hey, thanks for sharing!
 Wanderlust Angel
Joined: 6/7/2006
Msg: 18
okay so you *are* friends with you ex.....
Posted: 6/9/2006 10:00:18 AM
I have tried with any man who I've had a relationship with and right now, I'm not in touch with any of them. With one exception, the relationships ended without anger and hatred but there was hurt. One guy I ended with I worked with and while it was tough, we managed to have a good working relationship for 3 years after that, and I even went to his good-bye party to celebrate when he moved on to a new job. But I don't keep in touch with him now. We just grew in different ways so there was no reason to stay in touch once we weren't working together.

I always try but it never works. And maybe it isn't supposed to. Like you said, it was kind of strange to hear him talk to his new girlfriend.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 19
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okay so you *are* friends with you ex.....
Posted: 6/9/2006 11:04:02 AM
~OP~ He lacked tact. That conversation should have been kept private on his end. Even ignoring the call, leaving the table, and returning her call would have been much more acceptable in my eyes. Yesterday I heard my ex tell his new g/f that he loves her ~ that made me smile...I guess that's when you know it's really over and you now have two best friends. She sent me an email thanking me for sending her profile to him ~~ that's a wonderful woman. She accepts that I'm still part of his world and she includes me, much like I have done with him. Some people just take a little longer to get to the point and some people never get to that point. It will get easier for you ~ especially when you have someone that calls you when you're in his company!!
 Nyte2008
Joined: 12/29/2009
Msg: 20
okay so you *are* friends with you ex.....
Posted: 11/21/2011 8:09:34 PM
So all the women are gonna pounce on me and tear me to shreds for saying this but...

Yes, it's POSSIBLE to be friends with an EX but if you had bedded him/her, then it makes it infinitely more awkward.

Hanging out with an EX in front of your current guy/girl is gonna rattle those emotional security walls they have up. The current guy/girl KNOWING that you bedded your EX in all those mmm-so-nasty-ways is gonna do more than just rattle those walls, it's gonna make 'em collapse and oh-look-insecurity-comes-knocking.

So sure, friends with EX is fine and all. Just be considerate to the current girl/guy you are with and don't be hanging out 1-on-1 with the EX or taking them out in outings together.

There was a psyche article I read back in the day that described being friends with an ex is primarily because it provides a sub-conscious safety blanket in case the current relationship fails. The women are gonna flat out deny this is the case but note the keyword "sub-conscious". I'd rather trust psychology professors than women on this matter.

One more thing, if you simply "dated" someone in the past, that's fine. Be super-friends if you want. I'm only referring to those minimum 1-2 year exclusive relationships.

Ok I lied, ONE more thing. This doesn't apply to super liberal hipster/hippies. They're just too free-spirited and carefree to... well... care about this.
 TraveliciousGuy
Joined: 9/17/2011
Msg: 21
okay so you *are* friends with you ex.....
Posted: 11/21/2011 8:14:29 PM
I have never understood the whole being friends (actual hang out friends) with an ex.

Being civil with an ex for the kids' sake (if kids are involved), then I get that.

Ex's are ex's for a reason.
If the ex is wonderful enough to hang out with, why are they an ex?
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 22
okay so you *are* friends with you ex.....
Posted: 11/21/2011 8:17:04 PM

so how do you strike a balance?

Cut ties with the ex and kill two birds with one stone - no aggravation from him talking about the new you and more time to spend finding someone for yourself. What are trying to do, waste the time you could spend on someone you could date, trying figure out how to hang around someone you can't date?
 cutenperky2
Joined: 8/2/2011
Msg: 23
okay so you *are* friends with you ex.....
Posted: 11/21/2011 8:26:31 PM
Never friends with any of my exs never would want to be over is over with me
 basicallybc
Joined: 1/25/2011
Msg: 24
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okay so you *are* friends with you ex.....
Posted: 11/21/2011 9:05:35 PM
I am friends with my ex. He's completely gay and it doesn't even phase me when we talk about the guys he's been with. I think it makes a difference that he was a friend before he was anything more.

The weird feeling will go away in time if you continue to hang out with him. However, be prepared to back off if the current girlfriend has an issue with it. After all, you would want somebody to do the same for you, wouldn't you?
 Becoming_Me
Joined: 1/4/2007
Msg: 25
okay so you *are* friends with you ex.....
Posted: 11/21/2011 9:30:01 PM
I am currently really good friends with one of my ex in fact we live together currently we are roommates now, but it has also been 3 years sense we broke up. The first girlfriend he had after me was a little uncomfortable when he talk with me about her, but I was comfortable enough to tell him that I did not want to talk with him about his relationship with other women. He respected that. Now I am good friends with his current girlfriend as well, and where there is still some weirdness at times for the most part things are going really well.
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