| Fell in LOVE TOO FAST - now peddling backwards?
Posted: 6/9/2006 2:42:55 PM | I have been dating this girl for about 6 months now. She has 2 kids (4 and 6 years old) from a previous marriage
that ended about 2 years ago. The ex-husband cheated on her and was extremely controlling - did not show her love and is a dead-beat dad as well.
When her and I first met, we both evaluated our true intentions and came to the conclusion that we wanted to spend quality time together and get to
know each other. After only 2 months we had become intimate and weere starting to spend ever day/night together. I would drive over to her house to visit her and the kids, we would spontaneously go on trips, go biking, play tennis, watch movies, cook together...lots of fun stuff!
Now, it all seemed to be going wonderfully until I brought up the topic 'relationship'. The reason I brought it up during a discussion was to find out if she was 'exclusively' seeing me and considered me to be her 'boyfriend'. Needless to say I should have taken our being together as proof of such exclusivity, however, I wanted to hear it from her. She did not like that topic at all. In fact she has said to me how she never wanted a serious relationship from the beginning and things went WAY too fast. She said that she allowed me to get close to the kids too fast and though they love being around me she feels that things need to slow down.
I felt that our communication was open and honest. Perhaps I didn't want to HEAR that she never wanted a serious relationship? She asked me what 'more' I wanted out of all of this. I responded telling her that everything was great the way it was and that I have no intention of moving together with her or marrying, however, I wanted confirmation from her that we were an exclusive couple. She said that obviously I'm the only guy she hangs out with so we're exclusive. She says that relationships come with drama and she doesn't want that in her life.
Currently, I find myself in a situation where I go to visit her, spend time with her kids, cook for them etc - I'm showing her how much I love and care for her, I've verbally expressed this as well...but nothing is coming back. I guess part of me wants to feel loved by her and I'm not feeling it. The kids however seem to absorb and send back the love I give to them.
I'm so confused ..Is she keeping me around for 'her' convenience? Her most recent words were that she feels relationships are DOOMED from the get-go.
HELP! Any input is greatly appreciated! | |
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| Fell in LOVE TOO FAST - now peddling backwards?
Posted: 6/9/2006 2:59:11 PM | Well... considering her marriage... it's not really surprising.
These things can truly scar someone for a long time.
She may love you... may be truly happy with you...
But the thought of a "relationship" makes her think of what she's gone through... and she may simply be afraid of you turning into her ex if you two make things "official".
I've know lots of people who have been like that.
Just take it slow... and do what you can to let her see that you won't change, no matter what. | |
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| Fell in LOVE TOO FAST - now peddling backwards?
Posted: 6/9/2006 2:59:26 PM | I think that she is scared of the serious relationship because of her failed marriage. She might be afraid that you will eventually start treating her the way her ex did. If she was totally rational she would treat you as an individual and would not let herself be effected by the past but she was probably so hurt that she has a hard time trusting again. back off a little and be patient.
show her that you are serious and treat her the way you have been so far, just don;t bring up the subject. she will slowly develop trust for you and will see that you are different. don;t give up, if she didn;t like you and didn;t want to be with you, she wouldn;t be with you this whole time. You sound like a very responsible young man and she will see it with time. she is is just learning to love again and needs time. good luck! | |
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| Fell in LOVE TOO FAST - now peddling backwards?
Posted: 6/9/2006 3:03:36 PM | Well Knight,
This lady wasn't ready for the kind of relationship you wanted. Plus the fact that she is changing how she is viewing the relationship, should be proof of that fact.
I know this is not what you want to hear, but you need to move on because you are just a go-be-tween still she ready for a real relationship,Sorry and Good Luck.
Redhead | |
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| Fell in LOVE TOO FAST - now peddling backwards?
Posted: 6/9/2006 3:07:20 PM | | Destiny, I'm definitely feeling your pain. I was in a situation like that around 8 years ago and it's tough. In my case the woman's ex did a lot of abusing in addition to the cheating. Made her terrified to be in a relationship. It took us 3 months to become intimate and I did everything I could to make her at ease. She also resisted but eventually agreed to be in a relationship (I also bonded with her children and she also had 2 kids) We spent 4 years together and I spent most of that time attempting to knock down walls that she had put up. Regardless of whether she knows it you guys are a couple and you merely wanted her to say it. The woman I was with wanted to be told "I love you" all the time but had a hard time saying it. We eventually broke up (a very painful breakup) because I got tired of life being a 1 way street. I don't think there is a time limit on falling in love. I do think, however, that 2 great people can not be a great couple. And what is more than frustrating is when it has to do with events that occurred before you even met. The antithesis of love is not hate, it's fear. Your lady is allowing fear to run her life and her actions don't mesh with the situation that you described. Seeing her every day and being involved in the life of her kids is some serious stuff. It is those signals that gave you the greenlight to feel love. For whatever reason you needed some validation from her re: your status. The exclusive thing is a touchy thing. Some people have major problems with it. I don't think it's unreasonable to want to know where you stand. What she feels etc. For her to hang with you every day and let you so deeply into your life but then get bent out of shape because you asked for some clarification shows the mark of a person who is terrified of being hurt. However, in spite of her protests she needs and wants to be loved. She's just afraid of going that route again and being devastated. Tough call on your part. All I can suggest is to keep those lines of communication open with her. I wish you better luck in your situation than I had in mine, although, to be honest it was the best thing that ever happened to me when we broke up because it was mentally exhausting to attempt to break down one set of walls only to find there were more where the others came from. You can't makeup because her ex was a jerk and if she can't get beyond it then she is probably right about avoiding relationships. | |
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| Fell in LOVE TOO FAST - now peddling backwards?
Posted: 6/9/2006 3:16:16 PM | msg 1...
usally the signs are there...
and
we choose not to see/ hear and know them.
She is telling you something
and your not wanting to hear it I guess.
Take a look deep down and see why
you are trying to fit this woman into
your life.
You cannot make someone love
you ... you know thaT.. RIGHT?
I think you fell in lust, not love...
what you have there does not sound like love...
and
love does not peddle backwords.
Would be smart for you to get out while you had
some dignity and your heart although shaken... able
to recover...
but I doubt its gonna work like that. | |
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| Fell in LOVE TOO FAST - now peddling backwards?
Posted: 6/9/2006 4:01:31 PM | | Umm ok...you're each only seeing each other, you see each other all the time. What exactly are you, if not in a relationship? I think she has some issues and you may need to move on... | |
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| Fell in LOVE TOO FAST - now peddling backwards?
Posted: 6/9/2006 5:16:24 PM | Without reading anyone elses posts ... here is what I think.
Tough situation. You obviously seem to care, and one would like to think that she does as well, but how can you be sure that you are both in this for the same reason? I would like to believe that she is just a little scarred and afraid to put words to her feelings, which is in a way understandable if everything you say about her is true. But your "relationship" is a little onesided. And eventually if she is either unable to or unwilling to say that she feels the same as you ... then any normal person would begin to think that they aren't cared for - at least not in the same way. | |
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| Fell in LOVE TOO FAST - now peddling backwards?
Posted: 6/9/2006 8:17:21 PM | She is afraid to "label" what you two have as a relationship because of her past experience. In her mind it will ruin what you two have.
She is still getting over a bad marriage, takes a long time for most people.
I would just relax and enjoy the great times you are having together. If it is meant to be, it will be.....Give it time | |
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| Fell in LOVE TOO FAST - now peddling backwards?
Posted: 6/9/2006 8:38:04 PM | Hi, without knowing her it is hard to understand her side. But I myself have come out of a four year relationship with someone who cheated and I have a 4 year old. I read your letter and can tell you that I do and say some of the things to guys that she is telling you. I know I do it because I am afraid.. one afraid of getting attached to a guy again who is going to rip my heart out and afraid my son will get attached again. THe drama thing.. yeah sounds like she is going to have in the back of her mind that there is a good posibilty you will cheat on her too and it is easier to not get attached or serious with someone, than it is to worry about it.
Maybe she is keeping you for convience, I don't know, only she does..
I keep telling people around me that love sucks, relationships are crap BUT that is only because i am truely hurt on the inside.. same may go for her.
Sounds like she is having a hard time getting over being screwed over... If you really like her...and you feel the feelings are mutual.. be her friend.. be there for her.. don't kill yourself trying to do the world for her..Hope this helps.. good luck | |
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| Fell in LOVE TOO FAST - now peddling backwards?
Posted: 6/9/2006 9:24:57 PM | Well One way to find out how she feels might be that you back off a little and then have her call you and this might be the only love that she has to offer right now, but accept it for what its worth. Its hard after there is intimacy that has evolved, but it will come back around because I have been in the same situation before and let her call you and make plans, dont be so willing to make the first move, she may feel smothered or scared and lrt it move at her pace for a while and thenm when she all of a sudden see's that you dont call so much, she wuill ask you why and just tell her that you are trying to give her space. Remember one thing my friend, You cant change a womans mind and just go with the flow and believe me it might give you the sense that you yourself migh become scared but.... BElieve me it will come back around and then you are more wanted.
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| Fell in LOVE TOO FAST - now peddling backwards?
Posted: 6/10/2006 2:56:22 AM | Hey DK---Ouch, Ouch and Ouch. Similar story. Fell in love fast, we spent hours/days together. I took time off to be with him. I drove 2 hrs from PA to NY to do this. We had amazing times together with lots of great conversation, intense belly laughing at stupid things and exchanges of what the future would hold--those, by the way were mutual exchanges, not one sided. I told him I loved him. He had some preconceived time schedule in his mind about that. He had been apparently emotionally brutalized by a previous woman. So I went ahead and asked for the "exclusive" thing too. I got comments like "It'll be exclusive when I say its exclusive" and "I'm dating ONLY you, for now". Why did he throw in the 'for now' part every time. Then throughout the "relationship" , he kept leaving evidence of looking for others. The fly-by web cam i.m. person who just happened to know that he cammed, the fly-by dirty instant messages from people who were supposedly just randomly im'ing. All the signs were there. He was NOT in the relationship to be exclusive. I was his temporary woman until the next one came along. What hurt more was that he lied about it all and then accused me of being paranoid. I think he got his jollies off that I was a "one man woman". The irony was that his byline was "honest guy looking for an honest gal".
Now the flipside of this was that I too had been in an abusive relationship. I too had built up the walls to protect myself from this kind of person. From the beginning he told me to trust him and then bombarded me with the great conversation, lending a strong shoulder to cry on, taking me places I had never been, spending amazing times with him. So I actually let the wall tumble slowly and I let him in; heart mind and body.
But here I was again, wondering why I should bother when all it does is bite you in the butt again. So when the mind games of "for now" kept repeatedly showing up, and him making me feel crazy for being jealous and wondering what was going on started and finally, he gave me the ultimatum of " taking a break from the relationship and sitting back and really deciding if I could ever trust him; but don't call me back unless you can" came over the phone, I decided to do just that. I LEFT HIM. It hurt. But I knew I'd get over it; albeit with a hole in my heart. And, frankly, if that guy decided to come back because he realized I was possibly the best thing to happen to him (which I believe I was), well then we'll talk, but this random back and forth crap and the crazy making games will not be a part of the equation. Have I gotten stronger as a result? Nope, just more wary of the flim flam man. Will I allow myself to get involved with another person--you bet. I deserve a good person; because I'M a good person and not everyone is dishonest.
I wish you luck and will warn you--it'll make you nuts. But if you love her and she's not seeing anyone else or attempting to see anyone else; then I'd hang in there. Its hard to find someone that you feel wonderful with. They are far and few between. If her kids love you,you've got a better chance. But remember too, now there are more hearts to be broken if she rejects you. Or worse, she may stay in it BECAUSE of the kids--that doesn't only happen in marriages. I don't envy you your position in life. Unfortunately, I doubt that anything I just wrote will help you. It's just random rambling.....good luck. | |
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| Fell in LOVE TOO FAST - now peddling backwards?
Posted: 6/10/2006 3:00:57 AM | | if the lady has been hurt in the past,she is worried she'll get hurt by the sounds of things. just go with the flow and let things progress.If she didn't want to spend time with you then 'd worrie,it is hard having kids as they can be hurt too especially if they've lost there dad.it is very difficult for a woman who has kids to start another relatioship,i speak from experience as im going through this at present.the guy ive met said i keep putting up brick walls when he gets close to me,i do it unintentinal and i didn't know i was doing it.let her build the trust herself,let her know your there for her,your'e there also as a friend and if she needs you as a friend you will listen,if you rush things at such early days which it is shr will continually back away......go with the flow and i hope it works out for you........need anymore advice im here......good luck.... | |
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| Fell in LOVE TOO FAST - now peddling backwards?
Posted: 6/10/2006 3:24:10 AM | Just went through something very similar. She gave me every signal that she wanted a committed relationship but the more confirmations that I gave her the more she pulled away.
She ended up breaking off the relationship to "spend more time with just her and the kids".
This was not the complete truth, another guy a friend she known for a year and a half suddenly both started having feelings towards each other.
Getting to your question, when she says relationships are doomed from the get go that may be a clue as to how she handles relationships. Think back as to what she has told you about all of her previous relationships and how they ended. In my case the history showed very quick transitions and always was the guys fault with various reasons. Now in thinking clearly with my big head the pattern started to show. Look at what she has done not just what she says she wants.
The part that will hurt the most if it does end will be the relationship that you have built with the kids. Been there twice left pieces of my heart behind both times.
I hope it does work out for you but she seems to be sending you signals that this is not what she wants. Good luck. | |
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| Fell in LOVE TOO FAST - now peddling backwards?
Posted: 6/10/2006 4:18:58 AM | Your needs are not being met and you cannot change her...period! She is carrying baggage that she appears to have no interest in letting go of. Stop wasting your time and find the mutual love that your heart deserves...and desires. You are not responsible for her pain...you are responsible for "growing through this" and making the very best of the rest of YOUR life! GET OUT! OH! And remember...If you love something set if free...you know the rest!
Good luck to you. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger...
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| Fell in LOVE TOO FAST - now peddling backwards?
Posted: 6/10/2006 8:15:09 AM | First off I need to thank you all for responding. It seems like the more I analyze the situation, the more I get confused about what the next step should be. Reading your perspectives gives me alot to think about.
I was not looking for a serious relationship either, and didn't want to get married or speed things up anymore...however I went with the flow. I felt like neither one of us was applying the brakes so to speak.
I respected her boundaries and continued to show her how I felt about her. Multiple times I would ask her if she needed some time alone, that was my way of testing the waters so things don't go too fast. She would respond by saying "Do you?" .This should have been a sign for me but, I was enjoying being around her so much that I didn't want to 'force' myself not to see her. Does that make sense? Maybe spending time away from her was a bitter necessity that I had ignored.
HOW I got to this point of the relationship doesn't matter as much to me right now as HOW do I continue? People are telling me RUN FOR THE HILLS, there are PLENTY OF FISH (pun intented) IN THE SEA. etc. etc.
Yet, I can't just throw in the towel quite yet. I'm not ready.
All who read this, I ask for your words of wisdom - why is it that we build this world of hopes and dreams around the happiness of being with someone, and allow ourselves to become emotionally dependent?
I love myself and I know that everything will be ok in my life either way.
However, before things were open-ended, I saw this as a potential relationship that could perhaps one day turn into something alot more serious. Now, I don't have these visualizations anymore. Am I losing hope?
Seems like I'm pushing this car (no more fuel) that I call a relationship down a bumpy, curvy road. And I can't see what's ahead because it's night-time. | |
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| Fell in LOVE TOO FAST - now peddling backwards?
Posted: 6/10/2006 8:50:01 AM | OP
you sound like a very articulate guy with a lovely heart.
i find there are so many just terrified of true intimacy and so they sabotage it many different ways.
i don't have any great advice, just know from experience that when the desire is not mutual, the balance is too screwed up and the persuer in the relationship always ends up feeling like cr*p.
distance yourself while still being loving towards her and get your head back into the space of seeing others because you sound like quite a nice catch really.
i agree with some of the other posters, give it space. it's hard to have perspective when you're in deep.
but the truth is always there to see. | |
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| Fell in LOVE TOO FAST - now peddling backwards?
Posted: 7/20/2006 11:35:36 AM | | Amen Claypot.... I learned a hard painful lesson about involving kids in a relationship. I dated someone from POF and had no intention of falling so hard and fast. My kids were involved on the 3rd day and they became very attached to the man. They fell in love with him as I did. The relationship didn't last and I think the kids got hurt even worse than I did, especially my 10 year old. I will not bring my kids into it again until I have been in the relationship for a long time. I agree that Knight and the lady he was seeing need to both decide quick for the sake of the children's feelings. I think children can be very vunerable especially if their real father is not in the picture and it also takes their hearts longer to heal than adults. That is just my opinion. | |
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| Fell in LOVE TOO FAST - now peddling backwards?
Posted: 7/20/2006 2:54:34 PM | Sounds like you said you didn't want a serious relationship because you knew that she probably wasn't up for one from the jump. Sounds like you ARE wanting to be in a productive long-term relationship. And the only reason you are still lingering around her, or have become dependant, is because she's keeping you around to feed off your positive energy. She's not ready to reciprocate. Sometimes suspecting something leaves a little more room for hope. But, if she verbalized that she doesn't want to go anywhere with you two's dealings, you gotta split. It is hopeless, believe what she says and act accordingly.
You'll just become more and more emotional from putting all your energy into showing her that you are worth the risk. And more and more bitter as you start to realize that she does not appreciate how much of yourself you are putting on the line. Get away while you can. Unhealed people have a way of turning you into them. Not that she's a bad person.........just not a good investment when it comes to a mate, not yet.
I love when I can sense a good person, I can bet you are as sincere as the day is long. Prediction: I can bet she'll drop you like a bad habit if you do one thing that rubs her the wrong way. Nonverbally, the terms were, as long as you didn't bring any drama, and you two ALWAYS have FUN, you can stay. Too bad for you that no one's perfect, so you're probably walking on eggshells trying to be perfect so she doen't become stressed. You are getting no fulfillment out of this. And since you probably don't have a degree in Psychology, you can't come anywhere near healing her broken heart. For your own good make a good clean break. Smooches xoxox | |
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| Fell in LOVE TOO FAST - now peddling backwards?
Posted: 7/20/2006 3:09:29 PM | reguarding message 1, destinyknight,
been there a hundred times..
those are the signs to walk man, noo dont do that RUNN..
in some sense, she dosn't know what she want's.
she think's she does, but when it comes down to it,
she wants the companionship yes, granted. but at the same time
she dosnt want anything full time. I know it fu&^'s your head up at times,
but keep moving on, and find someone that does.
a shot in the dark man.
in the long run you will feel much better about it. | |
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| Fell in LOVE TOO FAST - now peddling backwards?
Posted: 7/20/2006 3:19:58 PM | DK ...
I too am in the postion you are in and well had to learn the hard way however I am able to post this to you. You are going to have to grieve that loss you have with spending time with a person you really enjoyed being with. It is ok yes it is painful but it will clear your head a little bit. Also nothing says you cant continue to keep in contact to see if she would like to go out. Hey at least you tried and shows you are still there. I have been told one needs to let the person k now that they are not able to give me what I need at this time which is someone to do things with, watch a movie with .. you know all of those fun things BUT you will check in each week to see how she is doing and would like to still see her. See how that goes.
You say that you were not looking for a serious relationship but it happened. Find out what you really want to do and what makes YOU happy. Then go on from there.
Good luck | |
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