| everytime hes mad....he says get out....but later.......
Posted: 6/16/2006 1:01:37 PM | | he is sorry, he was drunk, he dont remember saying it, it dont mean nothin cuz everybody says things they dont mean when theyre mad................youve heard all tha excuses an ya know its gonna be tha same thing tha next time he gets mad or has tooo much ta drink.......tell me how ya handle it and when do ya go ahead and get out for good? | |
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| everytime hes mad....he says get out....but later.......
Posted: 6/16/2006 1:04:51 PM | | I can agree that in anger things are said that aen't meant. We spend so much time with that other person we know exactly how to cut them off at the knees. However, apology is not enough...not by far. Anyone can talk the talk, but how many walk the walk. I don't know what the time limit is, or when people should leave. Eventually it just becomes apparent the apology is the closest thing to change you are ever going to get. When that comes it is time to walk your own walk. | |
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| everytime hes mad....he says get out....but later.......
Posted: 6/16/2006 1:07:55 PM | dogs get mad...
people get angry.
If you meet a people who gets angry like a dog...
and acts like a wild dog...
you have problems... so instead... if you are someone like
this... who gets these kinda wild dog people... its a good idea to
pace a relationships start slowly and avoid people who
tend to cross your boudries and not respect them...
even better is to look for someone who does not have a drinking
problem.. perhaps a non drinker
or just get used to it. | |
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| everytime hes mad....he says get out....but later.......
Posted: 6/16/2006 1:08:37 PM | maybe get out and make it seam your out for good just to teach him a leason but then go back onces hes learned it
lots of ppl on here would probly tell u to just leave him but i would not say to do that
but anyways goodluck | |
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| everytime hes mad....he says get out....but later.......
Posted: 6/16/2006 1:10:05 PM | Really depends how much you're willing to put up with?? I can't think this is a happy life for you, living this way... I suppose you have to weigh the alternatives and do what's best for you and your life so that you can have some peace and be happy. Wish you Luck.
Oops, sorry Di, I thought this was about you. | |
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| everytime hes mad....he says get out....but later.......
Posted: 6/16/2006 1:10:39 PM | | i see that some one is thinking this is a pity thread....but tha reason i came up with this thread was because i was talking to a girlfreind who is going thru this and she asked me for advice.....i told her i have no idea what she should do...its something she needs to discover herself....but i was thinking about some of tha things she is saying she is putting up with and i wondered if anybody else ever had these questions......i am actually very happy in my relationship so i quess i wasnt tha best person to ask about this.... | |
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| everytime hes mad....he says get out....but later.......
Posted: 6/16/2006 1:18:26 PM | My ex did that plenty, whenever we had an argument.
I asked and pleaded him not to do that. Finally I took him up on his "advice" and left.
He cried all the way when I walked to my car and for months kept begging me to come back. I divorced his ass once and for all.
My advice is he does not respect you if he keeps saying that to you. For some reason he feels he has power over you. No relationship is good with no respect. You should leave. | |
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| everytime hes mad....he says get out....but later.......
Posted: 6/16/2006 1:20:19 PM | yeah crash, i have heard tha same thing...so which is more likely to be a true statement.....is he drunk, angry and saying things he dont mean to her, or is tha way he really feels coming out........
gsd...that just seems like game playing...i dont think i want to give her that kind of advice....
note: i am going to print this thread out tomarrow and go by to see her, i told her i was going to do this and that she would get alot of different viewpoints from here but who knows.....these forums have helped me alot and maybe she will find what she needs....they arent too well off financially and dont have a computer or else i would get her on her.....thanx everybody | |
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| everytime hes mad....he says get out....but later.......
Posted: 6/16/2006 1:22:00 PM | If I were with some man who got drunk and
did that.. he would only do it once...
because I would take his drunk ass
and drop him off in a part of town he would not
come home from...
of course I would help him and spray some fancy cologne
on him so others may think he was a man of "means"
and be sure to check him over good when they robbed and beat him...
but if he did... manage to make it out... alive at that...
he would be a new man.
ps... your friend needs therapy... not one liner advice if
she is in this situation... its beyond ridiculous and pathetic...
not to mention dangerous as he could end up
getting drunk and killing her, not meaning it... like a drunk
jerk might do. | |
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| everytime hes mad....he says get out....but later.......
Posted: 6/16/2006 1:31:50 PM | It's verbal abuse... meant to control and demean the other person. Sometimes it's not much different than just beating the person physically... and can hurt much deeper and last much longer than if they did! And not EVERYONE says damaging things when they are angry. Some people do know how to discuss the subject that is causing the anger without being nasty or saying things just for the purpose of hurting the other person.
Drinking is never an excuse! When someone doesn't control the amount they drink and won't control what they say... to me it's just a sign that they don't have self control in other important areas of their life. They try to replace their lack of self control and self esteem with controlling the other people in their lives. That's not someone I would want to be with! | |
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| everytime hes mad....he says get out....but later.......
Posted: 6/16/2006 1:33:04 PM | | no problem kaos.... i think everybody thinks its me....actually i am thinking about starting a thread about me being an enabler....i have been slipping her groceries, being a transportation service and a sounding board..........sigh..........but that, folks i am gonna work on myself..............just as soon as i take her the printout ....i love her dearly but i dont want to advise anyone on how much to take from someone or when to leave....i can only make self adjustments on me! | |
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| everytime hes mad....he says get out....but later.......
Posted: 6/16/2006 1:53:25 PM | Hey Lady
You're friend is definitely in an abusive relationship. She needs to realize she can't change him. Doing things you don't mean when you're drunk is no excuse. If he's not in control when he drinks then he has a drinking problem and needs professional help. Some women give the ultimatum that "you get help or I'm leaving". Unfortunately that is usually short lived. He needs to realize he has a problem, want to get the help to make himself better (not to please her), and actually seek help. Can I also suggest your friend get help for herself. There are a lot of crisis lines and shelters for abused women (verbally/mentally abused women are also welcomes) if she doesn't have much money and needs help. She needs to put her safety first.
The problem is that in the beginning it's great then starts going south. There is a theory of the cycle of violence with 3 steps, honeymoon phase, stress phase and them the assault phase. Eventually the honeymoon phases get shorter and shorter and the assault phases get worse. This is not to scare her but to point out a reality of many women in violent situations. No one deserves this. | |
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| everytime hes mad....he says get out....but later.......
Posted: 6/16/2006 1:55:09 PM | .
A long, long time ago there was this woman who liked me a lot but also liked to drink a lot. Problem was, anytime she had too much to drink her attitude went to hell and her personality got mean and obnoxious.
I put up with that for a little while, but it was unpleasant. So, one day when she was happy and not drinking, I sat her down for a little talk. And, as soon as I mentioned alcohol, she knew what was coming because she knows that I do not like angry mouthed people.
Simply put, I very politely gave her a choice: Getting drunk and obnoxious, or me. She picked me for quite some time before the alcoholism reared it’s ugly head again. And, as she expected, I kept my word.
More recently, a woman I know became a widow and an empty-nester in the same year. She always liked her wine but covered up that aspect of her life quite well. I went to her home one evening for something and saw a few empty gallon wine bottles and so checked the refrigerator and noticed one and a half gallons in there. I remember this was a Wednesday night because of what happened next.
She gave me the sheepish look some women get when they are caught in a little something that they don’t wish to get out. I said nothing, just looked at her for about 30 seconds, waiting for her response. That worked. She opened up.
At first, she tried to make an excuse and I said, “stop, that’s not what I want to hear.” Then she admitted there was a problem and indicated that she was thinking of going to AA but was afraid to go alone. I simply said, “get your purse and let’s go.”
My favorite little friend (recently deceased) and her husband are alcoholics who have been sober over 25 years and run an AA meeting Wednesday evenings. That’s where we went. My friend, and the other ladies there, took her under their wing and told me that I can leave cause they will be taking her out for coffee after the meeting and will drive her home. Months later, she is still doing fine.
What would I do? I would help them, if they allow it. I can be very helpful and supportive. The ultimate decision is theirs, though. But, there is no way that I would be their enabler. So, either they stop drinking, or one of us is walking away. Nothing else is acceptable. Obnoxious people do not a good relationship make.
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| everytime hes mad....he says get out....but later.......
Posted: 6/16/2006 1:56:34 PM | By staying, isnt she empowering him to never change?
I think that the only people who deserves that kind of treatment are those that continue to accept it. Your friend needs to walk away and find someone who treats her well...Easier said than done??Not Really!! | |
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| everytime hes mad....he says get out....but later.......
Posted: 6/16/2006 1:59:29 PM | ladydi8 -
Please tell your friend that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Rainbowfishh is right, your friend needs to seek professional counseling to help her see what her contributions to this dysfunctional relationship have been and to help her see avenues out of the insanity. Only she can decide if she wants to take the paths, once they are offered. Good luck.
PS - you aren't enabling her as long as you have set reasonable boundaries and have maintained them... | |
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| everytime hes mad....he says get out....but later.......
Posted: 6/16/2006 2:06:49 PM | Only we know our individual bottoms
If he is drinking and she is accepting he is an addict and she is an enabler. Some of us can take more abuse than others. But its still a downward spiral. When you walk away, take a breath and you begin to understand with perspective. Staying in the viscious circle gets you squat.
To your friend:
I know what emotional abuse can do to you. Defeat you each and every day, make you hold your breath for the "next time". You think your goin crazy, you think its you. Trying to be a better person so he will respect and love you the way he should. Pacing, your mind racing, how and when did it all go wrong. For me, there was a bottom. Hurting someone I loved more than him. I gave him a half hour to get out of my house. That was after 3 years. I never looked back, but moving forward was torture. It was still better than the unsettle in my core I had with him.
You know what you need to do,,,
Ladydi,,you are the BEST friend!!!! | |
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| everytime hes mad....he says get out....but later.......
Posted: 6/16/2006 2:07:07 PM | my ex was a drunk....he never told me to get out but he sure as hell treated me like trash. His drinking made it easier to get over him. I kept reminding myself of what a loser he was when he was drunk. I think people who are with alcoholics need to realize that its not normal to be mean, disrespectful, hurtful when you are drunk. If he can't control how much he drinks then he wont be able to control how he treats you. Walk away hun, its in your best interest.
K | |
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| everytime hes mad....he says get out....but later.......
Posted: 6/16/2006 2:07:26 PM | | Letting it continue just makes him think that its ok for him to treat her like that . I would think eventually it would get worse , unless there is some sort of intervention . But myself , I would run for it . Who needs that shit . | |
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| everytime hes mad....he says get out....but later.......
Posted: 6/16/2006 2:20:59 PM | | I know things get said in the heat of anger, but whether they mean it or not, you can only hear something so many times before it sounds like a good idea. When my wife got angry, she told me to get the f*ck out, take my stupid kid with me and give her a divorce. The first few times I heard this, I shrugged it off as just something she said in the heat of the moment. But I'd heard it one time too many, and I gave her just what she asked for. 9 months later, and I still haven't looked back. She was quite adamant that it was never what she really wanted, but you've heard the old sying...Careful what you wish for, you might just get it... | |
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| everytime hes mad....he says get out....but later.......
Posted: 6/16/2006 3:16:15 PM | Sounds like all the biggies got asked, and lots of time has been had to think about it. No better time for an answer than when the question's asked. Be brave. Walk straight and tall ... and don't look back. He might just see you're crying.
Steve | |
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