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c note
| | Joined: 12/24/2005
Msg: 3 | |
| How to gently and respectfullly decline a date...
Posted: 6/24/2006 4:38:50 PM | Persistency, if not dealt with properly, will evolve into stalking. Why be gentle? Tell him what's what, and to back the hell off.
Tried and proven to be successful...
Send him a message saying, "Pull my finger" then block him.
Or were you meaning in a real-life situation? | |
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| How to gently and respectfullly decline a date...
Posted: 6/24/2006 4:40:04 PM | I'll answer you, since it doesn't appear anyone else is talking about this (which is strange because I think it's a good topic).
I think you have to be honest, as painful as it is, and tell the person that while you like them as a person, you just don't see this developing into a relationship. Some people click and some don't - that's the breaks of dating.
I think that's a bit nicer than playing games with the person. | |
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| How to gently and respectfullly decline a date...
Posted: 6/24/2006 4:40:30 PM | | well it a good question actually, the only way to decline a date if you not intrested in some one in any way is to simply say you too busy or you not ready to get into anything serious. | |
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| How to gently and respectfullly decline a date...
Posted: 6/24/2006 4:43:25 PM | | Just tell them outright, if your busy, your busy, if your not interested, your not, you can't change that! More people need to be a little more honest on here, maybe if they were people wouldn't be wondering about what to say and how to say it!! | |
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| How to gently and respectfullly decline a date...
Posted: 6/24/2006 5:02:59 PM | It's tough. I recently dated a guy in Chicago, we started talking on the phone daily from the first (not recommended) by the time I got up to see him for our first date, we had been talking about 4 weeks...we had a nice long weekend together, no flaming hot connection or anything, then when I got home, he continued to call...this went on a few weeks as I worried and pondered on how to let him down easy...let me tell ya, I was stressin on it...over the time we spoke on the phone, we had developed a pattern and a friendship. I was hesitant to break the news to him because in all of his past experiences, his ex-girlfriends had told him they just wanted to be friends...which was the case with me! I finally worked up the nerve and sent him a thoughtful email (was too chicken to do it on the phone) and he responded alot more positively than I thought he would. He agreed that we just didn't have what it takes to make it long term.
It's rough when you have to reject someone when you like them or have established a friendship. I recommend don't getting into a regular pattern when you meet someone online, it's hard to break the pattern when you realize there isn't anything of substance there. I say, just be honest in the nicest way possible. They will either appreciate and respect that, or they'll be heartbroken and stalk you...one of the two! lol! | |
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| How to gently and respectfullly decline a date...
Posted: 6/24/2006 5:10:40 PM | | With me, it depends on what they say, and how they say it. If they say something like "hey baby Wanna meet?" (especially as the first thing they say to me) I'll just say "No." and then stop talking to them. But if I had already been talking to them for a while and just was not feeling it, I tend to just say things like "Well, I'm not quite sure." I'll try to just explain to them that I'm not interested in anything more. | |
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*Tee*
| | Joined: 9/4/2005
Msg: 9 | |
| How to gently and respectfullly decline a date...
Posted: 6/24/2006 5:10:44 PM | | I always find it extremely difficult to just be honest and say...no thanx, I'm just not interested. I swear I've tried, but I make myself sick thinking I'm going to hurt somebody's feelings. I've gotten to the point where I just let them know nicely I want friendship and nothing else, they usually get the hint after a little while, and move on... | |
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| How to gently and respectfullly decline a date...
Posted: 6/24/2006 5:39:43 PM | I recently went through this and I think I handled it wrong. Although, it seems to have worked out anyway.
We had been e-mailing a while and I was pretty sure that we weren't meant to be. I asked her out just to make sure and she accepted. We went out and had an OK time, but no sparks. Right after our date, I out of town for an extended period with work. I dropped her the occasional e-mail (which she always responded to) and it was clear (to me anyway) that there was no substance between us. She went on vacation the day before I got home and I haven't heard from her since.
Did it end properly? No. But, I don't have the right answer. It's not exactly easy saying "Hey, you're a great person, but I'm no longer interested." It just doesn't make sense. But, I think it needs to be said. The not knowing part really sucks. While the truth may hurt, it should be said. | |
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| How to gently and respectfullly decline a date...
Posted: 6/24/2006 5:57:55 PM | aims- i'm soooo sorry dear. i thought you enjoyed those 456 emails i sent you
but seriously now, if you have declined multiple times and he still persists then i'd simply ignore him. "thanks, but no thanks" is sufficient....end of story...cut off all contact.
in regard to being mean to someone, as some have suggested, i think that is totally unnecessary 99.9 % of the time and represents one of the differences between a lady with class and one without. it's just too easy to walk away. | |
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| How to gently and respectfullly decline a date...
Posted: 6/24/2006 6:16:04 PM | Having been on the receiving end of this kind of thing, I know I prefer to actually be told "hey, I appreciate the attention, but I'm really not interested" (or words to that effect). A lot of women try to use euphemisms and hints -- let me tell you, this is asking for a hassle. Some guys (like... uh... me...) have a tin ear for them. If there's any ambiguity at all, we tend to assume, "hey, she hasn't said 'no,' I must still have a chance!" And it's not that we're pigs or don't respect your decision -- in my case at least, it's just that I'm lousy at reading between the lines. Drawing a diagram with clearly labelled parts is the best approach, because it can't be misinterpretted.
Hope this helps. | |
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| How to gently and respectfullly decline a date...
Posted: 6/24/2006 6:36:08 PM | I think if it's someone who wouldn't know any better, just tell them you have a boyfriend. People may say its lying and it's wrong, but I think its a white lie which is better than telling them you're not attracted or something. If they persist past this, well then you really need to be firm and avoid them.
This probably should be its own topic, but I think this "lets be friends" thing needs to end. While its generally a lie no worse than saying you have a boyfriend, I think it causes too much confusion for guys that are still novices in the dating world. (And for some of us that novice stage can last a long time lol). If you have a guy that's pursuing you and he's pretending to be friends but you know he wants more, I would just say be firm. "No I don't want to hang out this Saturday," thanks anyways. Over and done.
In the case where you really thought the guy wanted to be friends, well this isn't your fault, and its up to you where to go from there. I think in this case honesty is the best course, just say "Wow, I'm sorry I didn't know your interest in me was like that, I'd love to stay friends but I'm not interested in a relationship." Clear, simple, and as far as I can see non-hurtful.
As a man I've mostly been the one told "let's be friends", but the shoe has been on the other foot a few times. I admit its not a comfortable situation, but my main concern was always making sure I didn't lead them on, and without being rude firmly showed them I wasn't interested. Perhaps it's a character flaw, but I never wanted to be friends with these people, and thus didn't offer friendship.
I'm not going to lie and claim to be one of these people who say only what's on the inside is what's important. That said, I'm fairly open to dating (perhaps by necessity lol) women of different looks who aren't considered greatly attractive by others. Personality isn't a 100% of the equation with me, but its a far higher percentage than looks. So if someone is so disgusting to me that I wouldn't want to date them, then maybe this makes me shallow, but I don't want to be friends either. | |
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| How to gently and respectfullly decline a date...
Posted: 6/24/2006 8:36:51 PM | | Everyone knows the "let's be friends' line is a crock! 99.9% of the time we think we are letting people down easy but in all reality people that have been on the receiving end of this line constantly know that its someone blowing smoke | |
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| How to gently and respectfullly decline a date...
Posted: 6/24/2006 9:10:22 PM | I think honesty is the best policy here both in real life and in on line dating.
Recently I met a man who was very persistent, but was not a good match for me. He kept chasing me until I kept ignoring him to talk with my friend and the others around the room. Sometimes the circumstances are right for that kind of thing but being honest and upfront is better.
Hopefully the next time a guy is chasing after me, he's someone who IS a good match
DW | |
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| How to gently and respectfullly decline a date...
Posted: 6/24/2006 9:24:43 PM | Okay, I've been on the receiving end of this breakup line recently but the girl really does want to remain friends. I still have feelings for her, but obviously her mind is made up - it sucks, but we deal with it and move on...hopefully.
The thing that makes it hard is every time she calls me up or we hang out together, I'm right back hoping it will go somewhere even though in my head I know that's not what she wants - you can't help what your heart feels. It would've been easier if she'd broken it off clean, but we were best friends for years before we started dating so in the interest of salvaging that at least - we can be just friends. It's tough being on the receiving end, but it's not always that they don't want to hang out and don't like you, sometimes that chemistry just isn't there for them, just as sometimes it's not there for you.
Take it from me though, I'd rather be told straight every time - "you know, this just isn't doing it for me, I think you're a great guy and would like to be friends with you, but I'm just not feeling the chemistry we need to pursue a relationship together." or "I gave it a try and we're just not connecting, I think we should call it a day before we both get too attached."
If you do want to remain friends, don't be scared to say it but be clear why it's not working for you, don't p.ussy foot around it. If you don't want to be friends, then say that too. Obviously be a little diplomatic, but don't sugar coat it too much, we're guys, we don't understand hints or ploys to get us on your wavelength - we understand what is put in front of our face and more often than not, even though we try, if you need us to read between the lines we're going to get it wrong. | |
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| How to gently and respectfullly decline a date...
Posted: 6/24/2006 9:31:26 PM |
I say, just be honest in the nicest way possible. They will either appreciate and respect that, or they'll be heartbroken and stalk you...one of the two! lol!
haha! :D Or they'll be heartbroken but they'll understand. | |
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| How to gently and respectfullly decline a date...
Posted: 6/24/2006 11:09:03 PM | | Just tell us straight out. We can handle that. Much better than us continuing to pursue you and only getting noncommital replies back for weeks and wondering, "is she not interested?" Sure, my feelings might get hurt for about 5 seconds, especially if you aren't very nice about it ("Sorry, but I don't date fatties, ya fatty!") but I'd rather spend my energies pursuing a girl who I might have a chance with, so I'd get over it quickly. | |
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| How to gently and respectfullly decline a date...
Posted: 6/24/2006 11:19:19 PM | I tell them why. If you say it nicely you can get away with it. FOR EXAMPLE, this nice lady was so-o amazingly sweet and told me via email that I was the one for her and that I was handsome cookie etc, and really wanted an answer from me.
I SAID, THE WORST THING I COULD IMAGINE, I said, "I am sorry but I got this weird obsession of dating scrawny chicks and your profile says you are a few kilos over weight.". She came back with, "well shorty I was looking for someone taller but who is comparing, and maybe we could chat and be friends.". Next thing you know we became chatty people (but I knew underneath she will always be hurt by me rejecting her) | |
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| How to gently and respectfullly decline a date...
Posted: 6/24/2006 11:30:40 PM | The one thing to understand is that there is no catch-all panacea for refusing a second date. Some guys will take it well. Some won't. Your primary goal cannot be "I want to avoid hurting his feelings" because getting turned down sucks. Period. You can't change that. You can back up a dumptuck and empty a metric ton of sugar on it, but it still sucks.
Despite the other advice here, I do NOT recommend full honesty. That may surprise some, because I am normally very blunt in my postings. But I am not recommending dishonesty. I am simply recommending generality.
"I enjoyed our date, but I am not interested in going out with you again."
"Why?"
"You're a good person. You're just not right for me."
"Did I do something wrong?"
If they ask that question, it's up to you. Sometimes, people benefit from genuine advice:
You come on too strong. You should calm down, be relaxed, and not be so aggressive.
Or you need to be MORE aggressive. Show a girl you're interested.
Don't pick your nose with a deep finger while sitting at the dinner table.
Etc. etc.
In any case, I prefer generalities unless I feel the person honestly needs to hear what I have to say. I will tell a person, hey, you're a good person. But I just don't feel it. I'm not trying to be rude, but I'm not interested in going out again, and I don't want to waste your time.
If the person continues to argue, cut it short, and say look. I gave you my reason. And I'm not interested in arguing about it. Goodbye. | |
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| How to gently and respectfullly decline a date...
Posted: 6/25/2006 12:55:39 AM | I think it's best just to be open about it. If you are not clicking, or the chemistry is not right. Say so. I agree with the others if you are not clear about "no I am not interested", then they will hang around, phone, email and do whatever thinking there may still be a chance.
I have told a few guys online that I didn't feel they were a match, and yes, some of them do get nasty even when you tell them politely. But, I look at it this way. If they get nasty because I tell them no, then perhaps my first instinct of us not being a match was right.
You shouldn't waste your time with someone you feel is not right for you. That's my two cents. | |
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| How to gently and respectfullly decline a date...
Posted: 6/25/2006 1:18:47 AM | | Just tell him that you are not interested in pursuing any type of relationship with him. It's point blank and simple. If he asks why, just respectfully reply " Because I said so ! "......then move on. | |
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